Pecos Valley
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Ridin' for the Brand"Ride the trail with Wyatt and the Bar JS Wranglers
17 total reviews
Comment from Dan Diego
Western fiction is tough, but a real pleasure to read when it's done right. So far, you are off to a very fine start. This is top-shelf writing. I read your notes. Rather than gush about your prose, I wanted to offer editorial comments from my research and experience.
I'm not sure if you meant the first eight paragraphs to be a prologue, so ignore this if not. But editors see prologues in a negative light. The see it as an unnecessary warmup or a flashback before the story even starts. Many will ask a writer to delete the prologue or write it into the story after the inciting incident. Just note, that when I read your first eight paragraphs, I heard "voice-over" the opening credits. It almost seemed like the words spoken over a John Huston trailer for one of his westerns. And that's cool. I just don't know how you intend to use it.
In the cast of characters, you alert us of an "unspoken bond" between Shelton and Alexander. I'm not sure where you're going with that. I can wait but it better be special.
In the same cast of characters, you tell your readers there's a victim - Eleanor - I'm expecting her death to be the inciting incident that throws your MC Wyatt into action.
And then the story starts.
L.J. Martin is a selling writer for the western genre. He penned a reference guide titled "Write Compelling Fiction." He uses western themes, plots, and settings in this examples.
I only mention that because he recommends third person omniscient point of view for the genre. When I read your first part, I saw first-person POV (Wyatt and the horse) and third-person POV (Verne and the snake). Wyatt was breaking the horse when Verne was in the mud house. How can Wyatt tell Verne's story if he wasn't there. This break in POV doesn't bother me, but word is, most editors can only handle so much head-hopping before you go to the slush pile. My recommendation if a big ask - you might have to start writing Wyatt in the third-person.
Well, you be the judge. You can proceed as you are and might get a sale, but somebody might bring it up.
I did not find your use of dialect or cowboy-talk to be a burden.
The story part of your post is about 722 words (or about 3 pages). That means the reader is turning towards page 4 and there's been some character building and scene setting. As a reader, I'm expecting something to happen soon. I'm not sure how quick other western writer's get to the story goal, but if something doesn't happen in yours very quick, I'll get suspicious.
And finally, I am not a selling writer. So, you get to decide which of my comments to consider and which to toss. I mean well. I can already see you're a gifted storyteller and this is well-written. I'm just trying to help.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Western fiction is tough, but a real pleasure to read when it's done right. So far, you are off to a very fine start. This is top-shelf writing. I read your notes. Rather than gush about your prose, I wanted to offer editorial comments from my research and experience.
I'm not sure if you meant the first eight paragraphs to be a prologue, so ignore this if not. But editors see prologues in a negative light. The see it as an unnecessary warmup or a flashback before the story even starts. Many will ask a writer to delete the prologue or write it into the story after the inciting incident. Just note, that when I read your first eight paragraphs, I heard "voice-over" the opening credits. It almost seemed like the words spoken over a John Huston trailer for one of his westerns. And that's cool. I just don't know how you intend to use it.
In the cast of characters, you alert us of an "unspoken bond" between Shelton and Alexander. I'm not sure where you're going with that. I can wait but it better be special.
In the same cast of characters, you tell your readers there's a victim - Eleanor - I'm expecting her death to be the inciting incident that throws your MC Wyatt into action.
And then the story starts.
L.J. Martin is a selling writer for the western genre. He penned a reference guide titled "Write Compelling Fiction." He uses western themes, plots, and settings in this examples.
I only mention that because he recommends third person omniscient point of view for the genre. When I read your first part, I saw first-person POV (Wyatt and the horse) and third-person POV (Verne and the snake). Wyatt was breaking the horse when Verne was in the mud house. How can Wyatt tell Verne's story if he wasn't there. This break in POV doesn't bother me, but word is, most editors can only handle so much head-hopping before you go to the slush pile. My recommendation if a big ask - you might have to start writing Wyatt in the third-person.
Well, you be the judge. You can proceed as you are and might get a sale, but somebody might bring it up.
I did not find your use of dialect or cowboy-talk to be a burden.
The story part of your post is about 722 words (or about 3 pages). That means the reader is turning towards page 4 and there's been some character building and scene setting. As a reader, I'm expecting something to happen soon. I'm not sure how quick other western writer's get to the story goal, but if something doesn't happen in yours very quick, I'll get suspicious.
And finally, I am not a selling writer. So, you get to decide which of my comments to consider and which to toss. I mean well. I can already see you're a gifted storyteller and this is well-written. I'm just trying to help.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Dan, you may not yet be a "selling writer" but you are different from most members of this site and I appreciate that.
From having seen other projects you have presented on FanStory, I have always considered the possibility you have some sort of writing, or entertainment, background.
Westerns are a new genre for me. So, I am kind of learning as I go.
I have observed your detailed, and dare I say unique, contests. Very thought-provoking.
When I have the time, and I will find it that is for sure, I will reconsider once again your suggestions.
Comment from Ricky1024
Hi Brad I like this it was well written rich in the seam of sea Lucas who's the number one country western novelist writer here and almost went when you listed the characters and everything almost felt like I was reading something or reviewing something that he had done but thanks for this talk to Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Hi Brad I like this it was well written rich in the seam of sea Lucas who's the number one country western novelist writer here and almost went when you listed the characters and everything almost felt like I was reading something or reviewing something that he had done but thanks for this talk to Ricky 1024
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Ricky, seems you are a fan of this "Lucas". I am not familiar with his work. Appreciate the review and perhaps you would consider the possibility of perchance reading more than one Western writer's creations?
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
This sounds like an interesting beginning to a new story-line. I am a big fan of westerns and I think/hope there are lots of other fans out there, too. Good luck!
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Brett,
This sounds like an interesting beginning to a new story-line. I am a big fan of westerns and I think/hope there are lots of other fans out there, too. Good luck!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Robyn, thank you for your generous review. Although I have never written much about them, I have always been fascinated by stories of the Old West, cowboys, and that whole scene. This is a tale I believe I am going to enjoy penning.
Comment from Owais Khan
Hello Brett!
I enjoyed reading this short piece of Western fiction. You've created a vivid, if not somewhat shocking, world of flamboyance and rustic machismo that reminds me of the old Westerns i read as a child. The rugged bravado of the quintessential cowboy is vicariously experienced through your words, an admirable achievement in so short a piece!
While i truly enjoyed the almost lyrical musings of your protagonist, there were certain bits i found a bit out of place ("lady of the evening" for prostitute is a bit archaic, right?). However, on the whole, i found this piece an entertaining read!
Hope to read more of your work!
Love and regards,
Owais
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2018
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Hello Brett!
I enjoyed reading this short piece of Western fiction. You've created a vivid, if not somewhat shocking, world of flamboyance and rustic machismo that reminds me of the old Westerns i read as a child. The rugged bravado of the quintessential cowboy is vicariously experienced through your words, an admirable achievement in so short a piece!
While i truly enjoyed the almost lyrical musings of your protagonist, there were certain bits i found a bit out of place ("lady of the evening" for prostitute is a bit archaic, right?). However, on the whole, i found this piece an entertaining read!
Hope to read more of your work!
Love and regards,
Owais
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2018
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Owais, thanks for the review. The Western genre is one I have always wanted to attempt. This is my first effort along those lines. The reason I used "lady of the evening" is because that is what they were known as back them. I invite you to follow along as the tale progresses.
Comment from Debbie Pope
I like your story a lot. Love the setting and the characters. I like your colloquial approach, but you seem to go in and out of it. It might be easier to confine it to dialogue. You seem to be using it with thoughts of the characters, which is fine. Just needs to be consistent. I took the liberty to help with commas. (English teacher here) and I would switch a few lines at the beginning. Hope I can attach it here. Good luck with your story. Great potential. I Capitalized my word suggestions, but did not emphasize my comma changes.
THE STRAWBERRY SORREL HAD NOT BEEN BROKE. WITH A WHITE STAR THAT BURST ACROSS HIS FOREHEAD AND A FLAXEN MANE AND TAIL, HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FINER HORSE IN ALL THE ARIZONA TERRITORY. I spoke gently to him as I eased the lasso over his head. Before the day was over, he would be mine.
John Shelton said so, and what Mr. Shelton said goes. Least ways 'round these parts it does. If a cowboy don't like that, he's free to draw his wages, mount up, and ride off seeking his fortunes elsewhere. Funny thing, since I've been here, no cowboy's ever rode off.
'Bout the time I climbed on the sorrel's broad back, Vernon Alexander strolled out on the porch. A boar feasted on a rattler--mind you, not a very big one. Reckon the reptile slithered around seeking shade when it runned into the shoat.
"Git! Go eat that snake some place else," Verne said, as he kicked the pig in the rump with the toe of his boot.
The porker waddled down the steps as I and the sorrel bounced around the corral. He throwed me high in the sky. I plummeted head over heels and landed flat on my back with a thud. Stars swirled around my eyeballs. Quickly, I scurried to my feet, snagged the rope that dangled around the horse's neck, and remounted. We was off again.
It weren't the snake Verne begrudged the pig. Temperatures scorched and the boar crowding the porch made them hotter. Verne stepped down into the sandy yard. His jug awaited him in the springhouse. He paid little mind to the snorting sorrel I straddled. That was my battle. To Verne's eye, the long light from the western sun took on an encouraging slant.
Nightfall came slowly to Pecos Valley. However, when darkness arrived it offered a welcome comfort. Most days, the sun trapped the valley in thick dust. Abundant roadrunners, stinging lizards, and rattlesnakes found a haven in the chaparral flats.
A roofless barn and three mended corrals were the offices of the Bar JS ranch, half of which Verne owned. John Shelton, his stubborn partner, owned the other half. Weak-willed people was a thorn in his side. Most things was.
The adobe springhouse was so cool Verne often considered living in it, except yellow jackets, black widows, and scorpions called the lumpy building home. When Verne slid the latch and opened the door, he heared the unmistakable buzz of a nervous rattler. The serpent was coiled in the far corner, prepared to strike. Verne decided not to shoot it. On a quiet day in Pecos Valley, gunfire would create unnecessary complications.
The townsfolk would hear the shot ring out. They would assume the Apaches or Mexicans was in an uproar. If any of the drunks in the Silver Cent saloon heared the shot, they'd most likely run out into the street, guns ablazin', and shoot whoever they saw just to be on the safe side. Worst of all, Mr. Shelton would stomp up from the feed lot only to be more annoyed THAT it had only been a snake Verne killed.
Mr. Shelton held no fondness for snakes, or anyone who abided them. He exterminated the creepy crawlies with whatever instrument of destruction close by. Verne's philosophy was a mite more leisurely. He gave living critters time to ponder the possibilities and TO REMAIN in the heat of the noonday sun. The rattler seized the opportunity and slithered out a hole. Thereafter, Verne extracted his jug out of the mud.
Verne made sure no fire ants, scorpions, red-legged centipedes, or other variety of insects had crawled inside the damp burlap his jug was wrapped in. He uncorked the bottle and drank more than a modest swig.
I recalled a story he told me once about a gaucho with low morals. The good citizens of Pecos Valley was ready to string the hombre up at the first excuse they found. After a two-bit poke of Eleanor, the town's resident lady of the evening, the gaucho failed to shake his pants out before putting them back on. He got stung by a scorpion. This angered the gaucho, and he shot the madam. The incensed townspeople, most of whom was down below Eleanor's boudoir in the Silver Cent saloon, lynched the gaucho immediately.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2018
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I like your story a lot. Love the setting and the characters. I like your colloquial approach, but you seem to go in and out of it. It might be easier to confine it to dialogue. You seem to be using it with thoughts of the characters, which is fine. Just needs to be consistent. I took the liberty to help with commas. (English teacher here) and I would switch a few lines at the beginning. Hope I can attach it here. Good luck with your story. Great potential. I Capitalized my word suggestions, but did not emphasize my comma changes.
THE STRAWBERRY SORREL HAD NOT BEEN BROKE. WITH A WHITE STAR THAT BURST ACROSS HIS FOREHEAD AND A FLAXEN MANE AND TAIL, HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FINER HORSE IN ALL THE ARIZONA TERRITORY. I spoke gently to him as I eased the lasso over his head. Before the day was over, he would be mine.
John Shelton said so, and what Mr. Shelton said goes. Least ways 'round these parts it does. If a cowboy don't like that, he's free to draw his wages, mount up, and ride off seeking his fortunes elsewhere. Funny thing, since I've been here, no cowboy's ever rode off.
'Bout the time I climbed on the sorrel's broad back, Vernon Alexander strolled out on the porch. A boar feasted on a rattler--mind you, not a very big one. Reckon the reptile slithered around seeking shade when it runned into the shoat.
"Git! Go eat that snake some place else," Verne said, as he kicked the pig in the rump with the toe of his boot.
The porker waddled down the steps as I and the sorrel bounced around the corral. He throwed me high in the sky. I plummeted head over heels and landed flat on my back with a thud. Stars swirled around my eyeballs. Quickly, I scurried to my feet, snagged the rope that dangled around the horse's neck, and remounted. We was off again.
It weren't the snake Verne begrudged the pig. Temperatures scorched and the boar crowding the porch made them hotter. Verne stepped down into the sandy yard. His jug awaited him in the springhouse. He paid little mind to the snorting sorrel I straddled. That was my battle. To Verne's eye, the long light from the western sun took on an encouraging slant.
Nightfall came slowly to Pecos Valley. However, when darkness arrived it offered a welcome comfort. Most days, the sun trapped the valley in thick dust. Abundant roadrunners, stinging lizards, and rattlesnakes found a haven in the chaparral flats.
A roofless barn and three mended corrals were the offices of the Bar JS ranch, half of which Verne owned. John Shelton, his stubborn partner, owned the other half. Weak-willed people was a thorn in his side. Most things was.
The adobe springhouse was so cool Verne often considered living in it, except yellow jackets, black widows, and scorpions called the lumpy building home. When Verne slid the latch and opened the door, he heared the unmistakable buzz of a nervous rattler. The serpent was coiled in the far corner, prepared to strike. Verne decided not to shoot it. On a quiet day in Pecos Valley, gunfire would create unnecessary complications.
The townsfolk would hear the shot ring out. They would assume the Apaches or Mexicans was in an uproar. If any of the drunks in the Silver Cent saloon heared the shot, they'd most likely run out into the street, guns ablazin', and shoot whoever they saw just to be on the safe side. Worst of all, Mr. Shelton would stomp up from the feed lot only to be more annoyed THAT it had only been a snake Verne killed.
Mr. Shelton held no fondness for snakes, or anyone who abided them. He exterminated the creepy crawlies with whatever instrument of destruction close by. Verne's philosophy was a mite more leisurely. He gave living critters time to ponder the possibilities and TO REMAIN in the heat of the noonday sun. The rattler seized the opportunity and slithered out a hole. Thereafter, Verne extracted his jug out of the mud.
Verne made sure no fire ants, scorpions, red-legged centipedes, or other variety of insects had crawled inside the damp burlap his jug was wrapped in. He uncorked the bottle and drank more than a modest swig.
I recalled a story he told me once about a gaucho with low morals. The good citizens of Pecos Valley was ready to string the hombre up at the first excuse they found. After a two-bit poke of Eleanor, the town's resident lady of the evening, the gaucho failed to shake his pants out before putting them back on. He got stung by a scorpion. This angered the gaucho, and he shot the madam. The incensed townspeople, most of whom was down below Eleanor's boudoir in the Silver Cent saloon, lynched the gaucho immediately.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2018
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Debbie, thank you very much for the in-depth review. I have added suggestions. They were very helpful. As I said in my notes, some times it takes me a while to respond to a review, so that is why a little time has passed. I will be posting the next portion of this tale later today. If you would want to, I invite you to check it out at your convenience. Thanks again.
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I look forward to the read.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Nicely done. I like the Old West style of jargon.
This is starting out to be a good story.
Your characters are well set up.
I'm looking forward to more.
Sharon
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Nicely done. I like the Old West style of jargon.
This is starting out to be a good story.
Your characters are well set up.
I'm looking forward to more.
Sharon
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Appreciate your comments and support, Sharon. The Old West has always fascinated me and this is a topic I have wanted to pursue but never have. I invite you to follow along as you have time to do.
Comment from Rasmine
Brett,
What about the other stories you started? You are leaving your readers in the dark. Are you going to finish this one or not? I don't know if I should read it. I want to hear more about the young man in college with supernatural powers.
Don't do what I do -- I start a story and don't finish. Just push it -- never know what you can come up with, even if you don't like the story or think it's crap. Art is flexible!!
Nome
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Brett,
What about the other stories you started? You are leaving your readers in the dark. Are you going to finish this one or not? I don't know if I should read it. I want to hear more about the young man in college with supernatural powers.
Don't do what I do -- I start a story and don't finish. Just push it -- never know what you can come up with, even if you don't like the story or think it's crap. Art is flexible!!
Nome
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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These are good questions. As stated, I have moved most of my writings to another site. However, I do not have a story about a young man in college with supernatural powers? So, not sure I follow that comment. Always appreciate hearing your input.
