Black Blizzard, White
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Travelers"A 2-part story of a young girl named Betty
2 total reviews
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Oh Lord" cried Ethel, "not yet, I ain't ready for the baby". The sky took on an ugly, ominous color, the color of dried earth on the move. They were getting a storm and another mouth to feed. But come hell or high water, both were on the way. '
OMG what an amazing and exciting story emotion packed I loved this well done I really enjoyed the tension and the way it mounted with fantastic characters thankyou so much for sharing love and regards Meia x
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Oh Lord" cried Ethel, "not yet, I ain't ready for the baby". The sky took on an ugly, ominous color, the color of dried earth on the move. They were getting a storm and another mouth to feed. But come hell or high water, both were on the way. '
OMG what an amazing and exciting story emotion packed I loved this well done I really enjoyed the tension and the way it mounted with fantastic characters thankyou so much for sharing love and regards Meia x
Comment Written 25-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you Meia, I am going to continue posting more chapters and really need some feedback so I appreciate any and all. Even though this is fiction, there is much truth in this book and I originally wrote it for my grandchildren. Hope you try to follow it.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Watch out for the passivity again.
Betty enjoyed school but did not go very often - this is a little contradictory to the first chapter where it says she doesn't go at all.
come on in and set a spell - sit?
coffeepot can be a single word.
Fred did not like the looks of the sky this morning.- this is repetitive from the first chapter.
a deep breath and said "they got our house Fred- need a comma before the dialogue and the dialogue should start with a capital letter.
Phyllis said in a quiet voice "they would love a little milk- same as above.
Then there's always the black blizzards" - need end punctuation before the closing speech marks.
running over everything in its' path. - no apostrophe needed for its.
His face was weathered and dark, his hair thinning, his dirty, ragged clothes rather hung on his tall, lanky frame. - you covered the description in the first chapter. trust the reader to retain your facts.
Again sometimes you punctuate inside the speech marks and other times not. Be consistent.
There is a fair bit of repetition from the previous chapter.
"Oh Lord" cried Ethel, - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2018
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Hi there,
Watch out for the passivity again.
Betty enjoyed school but did not go very often - this is a little contradictory to the first chapter where it says she doesn't go at all.
come on in and set a spell - sit?
coffeepot can be a single word.
Fred did not like the looks of the sky this morning.- this is repetitive from the first chapter.
a deep breath and said "they got our house Fred- need a comma before the dialogue and the dialogue should start with a capital letter.
Phyllis said in a quiet voice "they would love a little milk- same as above.
Then there's always the black blizzards" - need end punctuation before the closing speech marks.
running over everything in its' path. - no apostrophe needed for its.
His face was weathered and dark, his hair thinning, his dirty, ragged clothes rather hung on his tall, lanky frame. - you covered the description in the first chapter. trust the reader to retain your facts.
Again sometimes you punctuate inside the speech marks and other times not. Be consistent.
There is a fair bit of repetition from the previous chapter.
"Oh Lord" cried Ethel, - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2018
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Thank you. I will correct these. This is my first draft and need lots of advice.
