Black Blizzard, White
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part 1, The 13th of Summer"A 2-part story of a young girl named Betty
2 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it may be an idea to look at the formatting here. Inserting a clear line between all paragraphs makes for a cleaner write.
There is quite a lot of passivity and telling over showing in this instalment. I think if you read through and noted down the usages of was/were/had/that I think you'd be surprised how prevalent they are. (I used to do this all the time).
Possibly consider reworking your opening sentence/paragraph to create more of a hook for the reader. At present it's really only description.
It is more common now to put the end punctuation inside the speech marks.
It's also more common to spell out lower numbers rather than use numerals.
Betty was a slight girl with dishwater blond hair - generally blonde for female, blond for male.
always in a bowl cut her father gave her using a kitchen bowl placed on her head cutting her hair off around the edge of the bowl. - probably too much explanation here.
If the epilepsy was so severe, it probably wouldn't be safe to cook.
In the last third, you change your dialogue punctuation with the punctuation coming inside. It's best to stick to one form or the other.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2018
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Hi there,
it may be an idea to look at the formatting here. Inserting a clear line between all paragraphs makes for a cleaner write.
There is quite a lot of passivity and telling over showing in this instalment. I think if you read through and noted down the usages of was/were/had/that I think you'd be surprised how prevalent they are. (I used to do this all the time).
Possibly consider reworking your opening sentence/paragraph to create more of a hook for the reader. At present it's really only description.
It is more common now to put the end punctuation inside the speech marks.
It's also more common to spell out lower numbers rather than use numerals.
Betty was a slight girl with dishwater blond hair - generally blonde for female, blond for male.
always in a bowl cut her father gave her using a kitchen bowl placed on her head cutting her hair off around the edge of the bowl. - probably too much explanation here.
If the epilepsy was so severe, it probably wouldn't be safe to cook.
In the last third, you change your dialogue punctuation with the punctuation coming inside. It's best to stick to one form or the other.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2018
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Will redo these. Thank you!!! I am so pleased you took the time to critique this. It is written for my grandchildren because they need to know what life really was like. I am not a writer, I am more a storyteller but I am honored that you would find it interesting enough to read it. I will definitely work on the problems you pointed but I must admit I'm a bit lazy so it will take a bit. Thank you again.
Comment from LIJ Red
Steinbeck made a killing with this theme in Grapes Of Wrath. You are on a good track here, but you need to organize discrete paragraphs, and some places are calling for commas. Also, and this is merely opinion, you need to streamline this, it begins to sound overstated through repetition of ideas, if not of words. I think you can make a great book of those memories. Go for it.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2018
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Steinbeck made a killing with this theme in Grapes Of Wrath. You are on a good track here, but you need to organize discrete paragraphs, and some places are calling for commas. Also, and this is merely opinion, you need to streamline this, it begins to sound overstated through repetition of ideas, if not of words. I think you can make a great book of those memories. Go for it.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2018
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Thank you, I appreciate your review. I was using too many commas (according to someone else) so I've tried to limit them but I would agree with you. This is my first really non edited version and I really want some constructive advice.
