This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Sir John Confronts Joe"Veronica is sent back again
32 total reviews
Comment from Zue65
The ending gave away strong clues on how the next post will read and it intensified the curiosity of the readers. The story flowed and progressed smoothly from beginning to the end. I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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The ending gave away strong clues on how the next post will read and it intensified the curiosity of the readers. The story flowed and progressed smoothly from beginning to the end. I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much, my friend, for your lovely review. I'm really pleased you enjoyed this part. xx Sandra x
Comment from frogbook
Well, I was not ready for this chapter to end. I needed more now!-ha. You know in my evil way, I loved the poker scene. Could use a little of that kind of mischief if I were a ghost-type. Oh the plans I would have-tee hee. Great chapter so full of action it seemed to fly by.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Well, I was not ready for this chapter to end. I needed more now!-ha. You know in my evil way, I loved the poker scene. Could use a little of that kind of mischief if I were a ghost-type. Oh the plans I would have-tee hee. Great chapter so full of action it seemed to fly by.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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You really know how to make an old girls day, JoAnn! Thank you so much for this lovely review. I would love to be able to back for a little while as a ghost. I wonder if you have to have permission from the top! LOL. Thanks, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from wordsfromsue
Wow, poor Joe. :-(
I'm glad to see his family got free, but sorry they got ahold of him.
I hope Veronica and Gwendolyn terrorize the poop out of the bad guys. Seriously, what comic, great justice if their bottom halves lost a bit of control!!
Okay, two very minor corrections, maybe:
His (2 'his' in this sentence. Change first 'his' to 'the') relief was so evident in his eyes, I couldn't begin to imagine the fear his little sister and aunt must be feeling.
The kitchen was devoid of staff; I presume(d) to make sure there wouldn't be any witnesses if Joe had been
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Wow, poor Joe. :-(
I'm glad to see his family got free, but sorry they got ahold of him.
I hope Veronica and Gwendolyn terrorize the poop out of the bad guys. Seriously, what comic, great justice if their bottom halves lost a bit of control!!
Okay, two very minor corrections, maybe:
His (2 'his' in this sentence. Change first 'his' to 'the') relief was so evident in his eyes, I couldn't begin to imagine the fear his little sister and aunt must be feeling.
The kitchen was devoid of staff; I presume(d) to make sure there wouldn't be any witnesses if Joe had been
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for pointing those nits out, Sue! I've just gone in and stomped on them, lol. I'm so pleased you spotted them. Also a big hugs for the lovely 6 stars, they look so nice up there! I'm delighted you enjoyed this part! Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra x
Comment from Rasmine
Hello,
I didn't find any nits. Loved the scene where Veronica was poking the flunky with the fire poker. :P
I will wait for the next chapter with bells on. :P
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Hello,
I didn't find any nits. Loved the scene where Veronica was poking the flunky with the fire poker. :P
I will wait for the next chapter with bells on. :P
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much, Rasmine. It was fun writing that part, lol, how much fun we could have if we were able to become invisible at will. lol!! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
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Yeah!! :)
Comment from alexisleech
Another terrific chapter, Sandra. Serious though the situation was, it was lovely to have some humour injected into your delightful book, and Veronica rose to the challenge beautifully. Now to find out what is in store for poor Joe - I can't wait!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Another terrific chapter, Sandra. Serious though the situation was, it was lovely to have some humour injected into your delightful book, and Veronica rose to the challenge beautifully. Now to find out what is in store for poor Joe - I can't wait!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you my dear Scot/French friend!! lol. I'm delighted you enjoyed this part. Sending you a big hug for the very shiny 6 stars!! :) Sandra xxxx
Comment from D.F. Wood
Oh gosh, those dang cliffhangers. You left your readers on the edge. Good job. You write the Irish accent in their voices very well. It is a pleasure to read your story. Very nice. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Oh gosh, those dang cliffhangers. You left your readers on the edge. Good job. You write the Irish accent in their voices very well. It is a pleasure to read your story. Very nice. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you so very much for this lovely review, Daniel, I really appreciate it. The cliffhangers really do seen to come at the most inopportune times, LOL. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Joy Graham
This is a fascinating story, Sandra :) I'm enjoying it. Your writing is fine, no nits or spag issues that I noticed. I enjoyed the bit about the poker flying through the room while she was invisible. The possibilities of having fun while being invisible is endless. Looking forward to more.
Joy xx
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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This is a fascinating story, Sandra :) I'm enjoying it. Your writing is fine, no nits or spag issues that I noticed. I enjoyed the bit about the poker flying through the room while she was invisible. The possibilities of having fun while being invisible is endless. Looking forward to more.
Joy xx
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much, Joy, for continuing to read my story. I did have some fun writing this part, so I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Solrac1
I like the story. The intensity grows as the reader engage in each situation. The characters are well designed, and the location is vivid.
Below, I wrote a couple of suggestions that you might like to read.
That'll do nicely. With it grasped firmly in my hand, I marched back into the bedroom. Seeing a poker floating through the air would obviously startle Gladys and Elowen, but it couldn't be helped. The man was still dozing, and with my grin growing wider by the second, I poked him in the chest.
REVIEW: " , but it couldn't be helped." PASSIVE VOICE .
SUGGESTION: Use Active Voice - Passive voice is not a grammatical error, but a style choice. In general, active voice is the preferred style of most readers. With the active voice, the subject performs the action. This style can provide more clarity, brevity, responsibility, or certainty than passive voice. BUT If the active voice makes sense, use it.
The immediate effect was magnificent. His eyes flew open and his head jerked this way and that as he tried to take in what was happening. I waved the poker in front of his face and laughed as he and the chair toppled back in his effort to get away from it. I couldn't have asked for a better response.
REVIEW: "... effect was magnificent." (Is magnificent the proper word in this phrase?)
SUGGESTION: Consider changing.
Magnificent , gorgeous, splendid, superb are terms of high admiration and all are used informally in weak exaggeration.
REVIEW: " ... open and his head jerked ... "
SUGGESTION: " , and " Missing coma in compound sentence.
'What the hell's goin' on?' he shrieked as I lifted the poker to prod him again. Scrambling to his feet, he made a grab for his jacket and tried to get to the door. I could hear Daveth laughing, and when I glanced over my shoulder, I could see Gladys had pulled Elowen as close to her as she could with just the use of one arm. Both stared in wide-eyed disbelief as the poker appeared to float through the air on its own.
REVIEW : " he made a grab for... "
SUGGESTION: '... grabbed .."
Daveth hesitated, then turned and walked back to his sister and gave her a hug. 'I'll be back in the mornin', okay?' He ruffled her hair and smiled when she nodded. Once outside, Daveth jumped off the three steps and started running until he was out of sight of the cottage, and then stopped and waited for me to catch up. 'I were a bit scared 'e'd still be 'ere,' he said, looking around furtively.
REVIEW: " ... gave her a hug."
SUGGESTION: " ... hugged her "
'Try not to worry too much about that, Daveth, I'm going to the Manor house now to see what's going on. There might be a way I can help him. You get home and tell your mother what's been happening. Seeing you're safe, and knowing your sister and aunt are too, will at least be one less thing for her to worry about.' I smiled and he returned it. 'Come on, I'll walk to the cottage with you.'
REVIEW: " ... smiled and he ...
SUGGESTION: "... smiled, and he..."
###
The first thing I had to do once I'd passed through the main door of the Manor, was to find Joe. I thought he might have been taken to Sir John's study, but he wasn't there, so I began searching the other rooms. The library was the nearest, but they weren't there either. I stayed a moment as visions flooded my mind of Lady Ann spooking her Sir John as he played cards with his friends in 1953. How I missed her. Giving myself a shake, I moved on.
REVIEW: "... have been taken to ..." (passive voice)
SUGGESTION: Consider changing to Active Voice
The kitchen was devoid of staff; I presume to make sure there wouldn't be any witnesses if Joe had been taken to the cellar below, and sure enough, loud voices and the sound of a scuffle could be heard through the door. After we rushed through it to see what was happening, Gwendolyn and I looked anxiously down the stairs. Although the gas lamps weren't very bright, I could see Joe slumped between the two flunkies who were holding him upright. He had obviously been badly beaten, and I was shaken to the core to see blood trickling from his nose and mouth....
REVIEW: Several sentences with Passive Voice.
SUGGESTION: Consider Active Voice
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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I like the story. The intensity grows as the reader engage in each situation. The characters are well designed, and the location is vivid.
Below, I wrote a couple of suggestions that you might like to read.
That'll do nicely. With it grasped firmly in my hand, I marched back into the bedroom. Seeing a poker floating through the air would obviously startle Gladys and Elowen, but it couldn't be helped. The man was still dozing, and with my grin growing wider by the second, I poked him in the chest.
REVIEW: " , but it couldn't be helped." PASSIVE VOICE .
SUGGESTION: Use Active Voice - Passive voice is not a grammatical error, but a style choice. In general, active voice is the preferred style of most readers. With the active voice, the subject performs the action. This style can provide more clarity, brevity, responsibility, or certainty than passive voice. BUT If the active voice makes sense, use it.
The immediate effect was magnificent. His eyes flew open and his head jerked this way and that as he tried to take in what was happening. I waved the poker in front of his face and laughed as he and the chair toppled back in his effort to get away from it. I couldn't have asked for a better response.
REVIEW: "... effect was magnificent." (Is magnificent the proper word in this phrase?)
SUGGESTION: Consider changing.
Magnificent , gorgeous, splendid, superb are terms of high admiration and all are used informally in weak exaggeration.
REVIEW: " ... open and his head jerked ... "
SUGGESTION: " , and " Missing coma in compound sentence.
'What the hell's goin' on?' he shrieked as I lifted the poker to prod him again. Scrambling to his feet, he made a grab for his jacket and tried to get to the door. I could hear Daveth laughing, and when I glanced over my shoulder, I could see Gladys had pulled Elowen as close to her as she could with just the use of one arm. Both stared in wide-eyed disbelief as the poker appeared to float through the air on its own.
REVIEW : " he made a grab for... "
SUGGESTION: '... grabbed .."
Daveth hesitated, then turned and walked back to his sister and gave her a hug. 'I'll be back in the mornin', okay?' He ruffled her hair and smiled when she nodded. Once outside, Daveth jumped off the three steps and started running until he was out of sight of the cottage, and then stopped and waited for me to catch up. 'I were a bit scared 'e'd still be 'ere,' he said, looking around furtively.
REVIEW: " ... gave her a hug."
SUGGESTION: " ... hugged her "
'Try not to worry too much about that, Daveth, I'm going to the Manor house now to see what's going on. There might be a way I can help him. You get home and tell your mother what's been happening. Seeing you're safe, and knowing your sister and aunt are too, will at least be one less thing for her to worry about.' I smiled and he returned it. 'Come on, I'll walk to the cottage with you.'
REVIEW: " ... smiled and he ...
SUGGESTION: "... smiled, and he..."
###
The first thing I had to do once I'd passed through the main door of the Manor, was to find Joe. I thought he might have been taken to Sir John's study, but he wasn't there, so I began searching the other rooms. The library was the nearest, but they weren't there either. I stayed a moment as visions flooded my mind of Lady Ann spooking her Sir John as he played cards with his friends in 1953. How I missed her. Giving myself a shake, I moved on.
REVIEW: "... have been taken to ..." (passive voice)
SUGGESTION: Consider changing to Active Voice
The kitchen was devoid of staff; I presume to make sure there wouldn't be any witnesses if Joe had been taken to the cellar below, and sure enough, loud voices and the sound of a scuffle could be heard through the door. After we rushed through it to see what was happening, Gwendolyn and I looked anxiously down the stairs. Although the gas lamps weren't very bright, I could see Joe slumped between the two flunkies who were holding him upright. He had obviously been badly beaten, and I was shaken to the core to see blood trickling from his nose and mouth....
REVIEW: Several sentences with Passive Voice.
SUGGESTION: Consider Active Voice
Comment Written 26-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Hi, Solrac, Welcome to Fanstory! Thank you so very much for this thorough review. I've browsed through it, and noted some excellent suggestions, but I will copy and paste it to my MS Word doc and then go through it thoroughly. Anyone who can help my writing improve, is most welcome to get stuck into my story as I've always encouraged it. You might get some angry responses, but don't take them to heart, pointing out errors and trying to help the author improve a weak area, is the whole point of reviewing. Of course, we all think our work is sooooo perfect, and because of that we don't see what others see. One suggestion, when you drop points, tell the writer you will up the stars if they make corrections as it does make a difference in the rankings. It's the way Rama works, she is one of our top reviewers and most of her suggestions are generally taken up.
Thank you again, for taking the time to review this part in my book, I do appreciate it. :) Sandra xx
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Sandra, where do I put the " will up your rate, if you correct your post"?.
Please let me know because I would like to do just that for your very clever story.
Juan-Carlos (Solrac is Carlos in reverse)
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Oh, I wasn't asking for you to do that, but it would be nice if you do. :)) Just go back to your review and you'll see the place you put the number in is now empty leaving you free to up or down grade the piece. I didn't realise you've been a member before. It's nice to meet you. :) xx
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I have used my name backwards, too, for a password in a couple of accounts. I like yours! x
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This story in continuation is well said and well done, confrontation brings in violence at the end; thank you for sharing this with us. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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This story in continuation is well said and well done, confrontation brings in violence at the end; thank you for sharing this with us. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 25-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, my friend. I'm pleased you enjoyed it! xx Sandra xx
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Oh, no. Poor Joe. Here's her chance to punish his enemies. I hope she makes them bleed!
I love the floating poker scene. LOL!
I told her by way of explanation, before ushering her towards the door. <-- You should take out "by way of explanation" here. It is not needed and interrupts the natural flow of the story.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Oh, no. Poor Joe. Here's her chance to punish his enemies. I hope she makes them bleed!
I love the floating poker scene. LOL!
I told her by way of explanation, before ushering her towards the door. <-- You should take out "by way of explanation" here. It is not needed and interrupts the natural flow of the story.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2018
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Thanks, Phyllis, I've removed that bit! I wish I could be invisible sometimes, I really would have some fun, lol. I'm really pleased you enjoyed my floating poker! Thanks, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
