This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Joe is Cornered"Veronica is sent back again
33 total reviews
Comment from D.F. Wood
I found no errors in your writing. I think this may be the first chapter of this book I've read. I like it. This chapter is well written. It adds suspense to the story. It definitely leaves the reader in a state to go to the next chapter to learn more. Good job.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2018
  |
I found no errors in your writing. I think this may be the first chapter of this book I've read. I like it. This chapter is well written. It adds suspense to the story. It definitely leaves the reader in a state to go to the next chapter to learn more. Good job.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2018
-
Thank you so much, Daniel, that is such an encouraging review. I've posted a synopsis of the previous parts for anyone who wants to catch up. I'm really pleased you liked the story regardless. Thank you! xx Sandra
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
OH wow this is wonderfully written. Excellently done and quite a great piece of intrigue. YOu left us wanting more as usual. Loved the great adventure
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
OH wow this is wonderfully written. Excellently done and quite a great piece of intrigue. YOu left us wanting more as usual. Loved the great adventure
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
More problems for Veronica, and possibly more to come. Thank you so much, Barb. You always say the nicest things. Big hugs Sandra xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Was Aunt Gladys and the children being held captive? I can only imagine they were. I sure hope Joe isn't killed, that would not be good. Sir John is a horrible man. I like this story.
'It don't take this long t' get back from aunt Glad's.' (capital 'a' needed on aunt)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
Was Aunt Gladys and the children being held captive? I can only imagine they were. I sure hope Joe isn't killed, that would not be good. Sir John is a horrible man. I like this story.
'It don't take this long t' get back from aunt Glad's.' (capital 'a' needed on aunt)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
All will be revealed in the next part, Barbara, I'm really glad you like it. Veronica has so much to learn and the clues are coming in very slowly. Thank you for another lovely review, my friend. xxx Sandra xx
Comment from rama devi
WOW! What a dramatic chapter. Superb characterization, POV and plot development. however, the chapter needs work on pacing, spas and sentence mechanics. With the tightening and trimming advice noted below, the pacing would be good.
NOTES
*Joe's nerves were on edge. I could see now that his concern for his children was not annoyance at their lateness, but genuine unease.
This is telling not showing. Why not describe what actions and expressions and gestures made her notice his nerves on edge, to make it come across more viscerally. The next sentence does this well:
He kept looking down the lane expecting to see them but could see nothing other than the sun as it began to dip down behind the trees, leaving a trail of gloomy shadows.
I suggest reserving the order. First describe his behavior, then note her observations, using less filler words. Example:
Joe kept looking down the lane expecting to see his children but could see nothing other than the sun as it began to dip down behind the trees, leaving a trail of gloomy shadows. I could see now that his edgy nerves were not annoyance at their lateness, but genuine unease. 'Somethin's wrong,' he muttered before he started off down the lane. 'It don't take this long t' get back from aunt Glad's.'
The concern for them is conveyed without being stated directly, so I trimmed that out in the above example, plus filler words. Let me know what you think.
*
Joe's alarm had triggered concern in my mind as well, and I immediately moved to follow him, quickening my step to catch up.
Bit wordy, which drags the pacing. Suggest:
Joe's alarm triggered my own concern, and I quickened my step to catch up.
notice how this conveys the immediacy without using the adverb immediately. Moved to and quickened convey the same idea too. Careful of wordiness - stating what the reader can infer or that you've already said. A tighter, crisper sentence structure suits the tone and mood of the scene. If the character is quick, then a quick sentence matches and a longer one with filler words slows it down. Hope that makes sense?
*
Without any warning, Joe then stopped and held his arm out,(no ,) as if to stop me.
*I could feel my heart pounding away as I looked from them and back to Joe.
Ditto above comments. I COULD FEEL is implied without being stated. Suggest dding in a simile for dramatic effect and trimming unnecessary words. Example:
My heart pounded like a herd of wild horses as I looked from them back to Joe.
*
'The one on the left is the man who came to your cottage when you were away,' I told him as the malevolent look on their faces suddenly filled me with dread.
Suggest:
'The one on the left is the man who came to your cottage when you were away.' The malevolent look on their faces filled me with dread.
(The speech tag and adverb trimmed makes a cleaner read. But you could also add a similar after dread, if you conjure one).
*
The fact that neither could see me and I was unable to be harmed,(no ,) had obviously not dawned on Joe, but I stood aside anyway so he wouldn't worry about me.
*
'Well, well, well, look what we got 'ere, Jake. If I ain't mistook, it be the gentleman we been looking for,' he sneered, lifting the bat and hitting the palm of his hand with it. 'You've bin invited t' the Manor t' meet wiv Sir John.'
Sneered is an action tag, not a speech tag, so it should be written like this:
'Well, well, well, look what we got 'ere, Jake. If I ain't mistook, it be the gentleman we been looking for.' He sneered, lifting the bat and hitting the palm of his hand with it. 'You've bin invited t' the Manor t' meet wiv Sir John.'
*
Joe looked from one face to the other, before speaking. 'I be lookin' for me son an' daughter. Tell Sir John I'll come when they be back at home.'
BFORE SPEAKING is implied without needing to be said:
Joe looked from one face to the other. 'I be lookin' for me son an' daughter. Tell Sir John I'll come when they be back at home.'
* A wild boar had nothing on him for strength as he kicked backwards, catching Jake's shins,(no ,) and twisting out of his arms.
*
'Go and find me kids(,) and come and let me know when they're safe,' Joe bellowed as he tried unsuccessfully to escape his assailant's vice(-)like grip.
*
'Okay, I know where you'll be(,) so I'll come and help you when I've found them.'
* I didn't think Joe's children would be far away, and (I) expected what Tod had said was more a ruse to frighten Joe.
*This section could use trimming and tightening:
As I rounded the corner, I could see the flickering of
candlelight coming through the lower window of a small, rundown cottage. There was smoke coming from the chimney so I ran on, hoping against hope it was Gladys's house,(no ,) and I would find the children there.
Example edit:
Candlelight flickering through the lower window of a small, rundown cottage caught my eye as I rounded the corner. Smoke gushed from the chimney, so I ran on, hoping against hope it was Gladys's house and I would find the children there.
* I climbed the three steps leading onto the front porch,(no ,) and listened for any sound coming from inside.
*The furniture was sparse(,) but Gladys had made the most of what she had to make the whole setting cosy and warm.
* The first thing I noticed was a burly man holding a cudgel when I walked into the bedroom.
Optional - suggest restructuring to
The first thing I noticed when I walked into the bedroom was a burly man holding a cudgel.
Since this leans toward a six if edited (and I know you'll revise at least spag), five stars in advance (anyway, I've no sixes left).
Superb diction, by the way, in the dialog. Fine narrative detail as well.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2018
|
WOW! What a dramatic chapter. Superb characterization, POV and plot development. however, the chapter needs work on pacing, spas and sentence mechanics. With the tightening and trimming advice noted below, the pacing would be good.
NOTES
*Joe's nerves were on edge. I could see now that his concern for his children was not annoyance at their lateness, but genuine unease.
This is telling not showing. Why not describe what actions and expressions and gestures made her notice his nerves on edge, to make it come across more viscerally. The next sentence does this well:
He kept looking down the lane expecting to see them but could see nothing other than the sun as it began to dip down behind the trees, leaving a trail of gloomy shadows.
I suggest reserving the order. First describe his behavior, then note her observations, using less filler words. Example:
Joe kept looking down the lane expecting to see his children but could see nothing other than the sun as it began to dip down behind the trees, leaving a trail of gloomy shadows. I could see now that his edgy nerves were not annoyance at their lateness, but genuine unease. 'Somethin's wrong,' he muttered before he started off down the lane. 'It don't take this long t' get back from aunt Glad's.'
The concern for them is conveyed without being stated directly, so I trimmed that out in the above example, plus filler words. Let me know what you think.
*
Joe's alarm had triggered concern in my mind as well, and I immediately moved to follow him, quickening my step to catch up.
Bit wordy, which drags the pacing. Suggest:
Joe's alarm triggered my own concern, and I quickened my step to catch up.
notice how this conveys the immediacy without using the adverb immediately. Moved to and quickened convey the same idea too. Careful of wordiness - stating what the reader can infer or that you've already said. A tighter, crisper sentence structure suits the tone and mood of the scene. If the character is quick, then a quick sentence matches and a longer one with filler words slows it down. Hope that makes sense?
*
Without any warning, Joe then stopped and held his arm out,(no ,) as if to stop me.
*I could feel my heart pounding away as I looked from them and back to Joe.
Ditto above comments. I COULD FEEL is implied without being stated. Suggest dding in a simile for dramatic effect and trimming unnecessary words. Example:
My heart pounded like a herd of wild horses as I looked from them back to Joe.
*
'The one on the left is the man who came to your cottage when you were away,' I told him as the malevolent look on their faces suddenly filled me with dread.
Suggest:
'The one on the left is the man who came to your cottage when you were away.' The malevolent look on their faces filled me with dread.
(The speech tag and adverb trimmed makes a cleaner read. But you could also add a similar after dread, if you conjure one).
*
The fact that neither could see me and I was unable to be harmed,(no ,) had obviously not dawned on Joe, but I stood aside anyway so he wouldn't worry about me.
*
'Well, well, well, look what we got 'ere, Jake. If I ain't mistook, it be the gentleman we been looking for,' he sneered, lifting the bat and hitting the palm of his hand with it. 'You've bin invited t' the Manor t' meet wiv Sir John.'
Sneered is an action tag, not a speech tag, so it should be written like this:
'Well, well, well, look what we got 'ere, Jake. If I ain't mistook, it be the gentleman we been looking for.' He sneered, lifting the bat and hitting the palm of his hand with it. 'You've bin invited t' the Manor t' meet wiv Sir John.'
*
Joe looked from one face to the other, before speaking. 'I be lookin' for me son an' daughter. Tell Sir John I'll come when they be back at home.'
BFORE SPEAKING is implied without needing to be said:
Joe looked from one face to the other. 'I be lookin' for me son an' daughter. Tell Sir John I'll come when they be back at home.'
* A wild boar had nothing on him for strength as he kicked backwards, catching Jake's shins,(no ,) and twisting out of his arms.
*
'Go and find me kids(,) and come and let me know when they're safe,' Joe bellowed as he tried unsuccessfully to escape his assailant's vice(-)like grip.
*
'Okay, I know where you'll be(,) so I'll come and help you when I've found them.'
* I didn't think Joe's children would be far away, and (I) expected what Tod had said was more a ruse to frighten Joe.
*This section could use trimming and tightening:
As I rounded the corner, I could see the flickering of
candlelight coming through the lower window of a small, rundown cottage. There was smoke coming from the chimney so I ran on, hoping against hope it was Gladys's house,(no ,) and I would find the children there.
Example edit:
Candlelight flickering through the lower window of a small, rundown cottage caught my eye as I rounded the corner. Smoke gushed from the chimney, so I ran on, hoping against hope it was Gladys's house and I would find the children there.
* I climbed the three steps leading onto the front porch,(no ,) and listened for any sound coming from inside.
*The furniture was sparse(,) but Gladys had made the most of what she had to make the whole setting cosy and warm.
* The first thing I noticed was a burly man holding a cudgel when I walked into the bedroom.
Optional - suggest restructuring to
The first thing I noticed when I walked into the bedroom was a burly man holding a cudgel.
Since this leans toward a six if edited (and I know you'll revise at least spag), five stars in advance (anyway, I've no sixes left).
Superb diction, by the way, in the dialog. Fine narrative detail as well.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2018
-
Hi, Rama, thank you so very much for this lovely review. I have taken loads on board for future parts, such as the showing and telling. I've made those changes and turned things around and cut the fluff out. I really appreciate all your suggestions and help. Thank you, my friend, I'm delighted you enjoyed this part. :)) Big hugs, Sandra xxx
-
Thanks for your gracious response, dear Sandra. So glad to be of help. Big hugs, rd
Comment from Zue65
It is sad that I am not a regular visitor of FanStory and therefore I really have not followed your work from the beginning. But I believe this story seems exciting as I read through this post. The plot and theme are not over explored as compared to other topics. Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading your next post. All the best.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
It is sad that I am not a regular visitor of FanStory and therefore I really have not followed your work from the beginning. But I believe this story seems exciting as I read through this post. The plot and theme are not over explored as compared to other topics. Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading your next post. All the best.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
I have written a synopsis for anyone just coming into the story. Just click on the link below and it will take you straight to it. Thank you so much for reading this part, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Sandra xxx
Comment from royowen
What an exciting episode Sandra. Poor Joe has been dragged off bu two louts called Jake and Tod, and not before they got a bit of curry from Joe and an irate Veronica. Veronica vowed to Joe she'd find Daveth and Elowen, and this superbly written, action descriptive episode, came to a conclusion, well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
 |
What an exciting episode Sandra. Poor Joe has been dragged off bu two louts called Jake and Tod, and not before they got a bit of curry from Joe and an irate Veronica. Veronica vowed to Joe she'd find Daveth and Elowen, and this superbly written, action descriptive episode, came to a conclusion, well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
Aww, thank you so very much, Roy, for all those lovely stars and for your wonderful review. I do so appreciate you and the encouragement you always give me. Big hugs, dear friend. xx Sandra x
-
Always a pleasure Sandra
Comment from aryr
This was an adventurous chapter Sandra. Not only adventurous but loaded with suspense. First was the fact that the children were missing, then the introduction of the two brutal bullies. Having Veronica remember the stones that Father Peter had used was a brilliant touch. I can only fathom how useless she felt and even more so when she abandoned Joe to search for the children. The ending was another surprise when she found the man guarding the children and their aunt. It also left the chapter in a high level of suspense wondering what if anything she could do to save them. Fantastic job Sandra, very enjoyable, well done my friend.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
This was an adventurous chapter Sandra. Not only adventurous but loaded with suspense. First was the fact that the children were missing, then the introduction of the two brutal bullies. Having Veronica remember the stones that Father Peter had used was a brilliant touch. I can only fathom how useless she felt and even more so when she abandoned Joe to search for the children. The ending was another surprise when she found the man guarding the children and their aunt. It also left the chapter in a high level of suspense wondering what if anything she could do to save them. Fantastic job Sandra, very enjoyable, well done my friend.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
What a lovely review, Alie, thank you so very much. I'm delighted you enjoyed reading this part as I had loads of fun writing it. Big hugs, my friend. xxx Sandra xx
-
You are so so welcome Sandra, I just love following this story.
Comment from alexisleech
I really enjoyed this chapter, Sandra. One can't help but like Joe, and you have evolved his character so well. Now all we have to hope for is that he and his children are safe - I can't wait to find out!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
I really enjoyed this chapter, Sandra. One can't help but like Joe, and you have evolved his character so well. Now all we have to hope for is that he and his children are safe - I can't wait to find out!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
Thank you so much for your lovely review and the shiny 6 stars!! I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. The next part will be here soon! lol. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
Comment from damommy
Oh, no. Veronica needs to do something ghostly that will scare the pants off this thug. He'll run then, I bet.
Poor Joe. I thought for sure that Veronica would stone them away from him. Now, I'm on pins and needles.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
Oh, no. Veronica needs to do something ghostly that will scare the pants off this thug. He'll run then, I bet.
Poor Joe. I thought for sure that Veronica would stone them away from him. Now, I'm on pins and needles.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
You'll have to wait, I've already read it, lol! Thank you so much, Yvonne, for a great review, more fun to come. :} Big hugs, Sandra. xxx
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Eeeek! The kids were with Gladys, but far from safe. How can a ghost overcome that guy guarding them? She can't. So...? Can't wait to see how this resolves. :)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
|
Eeeek! The kids were with Gladys, but far from safe. How can a ghost overcome that guy guarding them? She can't. So...? Can't wait to see how this resolves. :)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
-
Bless your heart, my wonderful friend. Don't forget, Veronica isn't a ghost. She was taught by the best ghost in the business, Lady Ann in book 1. Thank you for the lovely 6, Phyllis. Oh, in case you don't see it, there is a link at the bottom to the synopsis of this book so far! LOL, a kind friend of mine spent all day and night trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. :) :) Biggest hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
