The Chocolate Covered Age Card
Chocolate love cures all27 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I love your story! I love the sentiment of it, maybe because we are of the same (or nearly the same) generation. This charming story should have a lot of clout with the judges. One thing I do know, though, is the judges are sticklers for grammar and usage glitches, so before the window closes on this contest, there are a few things you'll want to check out, below and correct:
"Give me a "for-instance". When you have something emphasized in a quoted sentence, you either should italicize or use single quotes around the word(s) to which you call attention. >> "Give me a 'for-instance'."]
I'm not as steady as I used to be, Bill." [You're using a quote within a quote, but you don't close out his conversation with Bill by using a single quote mark (as you did when you started the quote): ... I'm not as steady as I used to be, Bill.'"]
to make sure they're the ones you like...then you left the ones you didn't want, [Since you are from the U.S., you need to leave a space before and after the three-dot ellipsis. In the U.K. model they don't space.]
"This is true, but your penchant for chocolate is unencumbered by your taste for the centers. [I don't know that "unencumbered" works here. Isn't the sense you want to convey, that her penchant for chocolate is unencumbered by her DISTASTE for the centers?"]
And you can first unwrap everyone [And you can first unwrap EVERY ONE.
Good luck with this contest. This story deserves to do very well.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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I love your story! I love the sentiment of it, maybe because we are of the same (or nearly the same) generation. This charming story should have a lot of clout with the judges. One thing I do know, though, is the judges are sticklers for grammar and usage glitches, so before the window closes on this contest, there are a few things you'll want to check out, below and correct:
"Give me a "for-instance". When you have something emphasized in a quoted sentence, you either should italicize or use single quotes around the word(s) to which you call attention. >> "Give me a 'for-instance'."]
I'm not as steady as I used to be, Bill." [You're using a quote within a quote, but you don't close out his conversation with Bill by using a single quote mark (as you did when you started the quote): ... I'm not as steady as I used to be, Bill.'"]
to make sure they're the ones you like...then you left the ones you didn't want, [Since you are from the U.S., you need to leave a space before and after the three-dot ellipsis. In the U.K. model they don't space.]
"This is true, but your penchant for chocolate is unencumbered by your taste for the centers. [I don't know that "unencumbered" works here. Isn't the sense you want to convey, that her penchant for chocolate is unencumbered by her DISTASTE for the centers?"]
And you can first unwrap everyone [And you can first unwrap EVERY ONE.
Good luck with this contest. This story deserves to do very well.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you for some excellent suggestions. Believe it or not, I know about quotes within quotes but get lazy about it.
And your comment on the distaste sentence is spot on. I rewrote that sentence but was never completely happy with it. Thank you for the tip on how fastidious the judges are about punctuation, something no one else ever told me. Will make the changes and thank you as I do so! Sincerely, Dennis
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You are very welcome, Dennis. I wish you well in the contest.
Comment from Spitfire
Many readers will relate to this. In my case, I cut the chocolates in half and only eat the ones with filling I like. This couple is obviously one with a quirky sense of humor--like you, CK.
Get back to your desk.
LL
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Many readers will relate to this. In my case, I cut the chocolates in half and only eat the ones with filling I like. This couple is obviously one with a quirky sense of humor--like you, CK.
Get back to your desk.
LL
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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You always did have more class than me, LL. I mash, you cut. Same reason different method. Excuse me I have to get back to my desk...putting the best spin on that, I take it as a compliment, as in, ?get back and write another masterpiece!?
Comment from dracofelsinensis
Very well done. The familiarity of your couple, revealed by the easy dialogue and jesting, rings so true.
His intellectualising about rearranging the chocolates into representations of past and future - in part a rationalization for having once more broken into them! - would charm many. It will be a pity when he does retire, if only because they won't be able to play this little game when he has been working late. Various aspects of the word 'card' were worked into this subtly.
"I'd rather eat even the worst coconut disappointment with you, than caramel cream with anyone else, ever." A nice finish to the piece. You made me smile, so thanks.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Very well done. The familiarity of your couple, revealed by the easy dialogue and jesting, rings so true.
His intellectualising about rearranging the chocolates into representations of past and future - in part a rationalization for having once more broken into them! - would charm many. It will be a pity when he does retire, if only because they won't be able to play this little game when he has been working late. Various aspects of the word 'card' were worked into this subtly.
"I'd rather eat even the worst coconut disappointment with you, than caramel cream with anyone else, ever." A nice finish to the piece. You made me smile, so thanks.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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And I?ld Rather receive smiles than stars any day. Thank you, Dennis
Comment from mermaids
You have an excellent flow of dialog that makes the reader smile. The love between this couple is joyful and I love the dialog about the chocolates. I like your analogy of the layers of chocolate to this couple's life.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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You have an excellent flow of dialog that makes the reader smile. The love between this couple is joyful and I love the dialog about the chocolates. I like your analogy of the layers of chocolate to this couple's life.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your kind comments. Much appreciated
, Dennis
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, :)
I wish you luck in the contest. This is a very sweet (no pun intended really!) entry. Now I'm craving chocolates. Oh no, now that means I have to go buy them :P
Have a good day.
Nome
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Hello, :)
I wish you luck in the contest. This is a very sweet (no pun intended really!) entry. Now I'm craving chocolates. Oh no, now that means I have to go buy them :P
Have a good day.
Nome
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you for a pleasant review. You?re not the first to mention and increased craving for chocolates after reading this...LOL Dennis
Comment from Janet Foor
LOL!!! I need a whole deck of age cards or one that can stand a lot of usage too.
haha
This was a fun read this afternoon. I love your humor and wish you the best of luck in the dialog contest.
Blessings
Jane
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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LOL!!! I need a whole deck of age cards or one that can stand a lot of usage too.
haha
This was a fun read this afternoon. I love your humor and wish you the best of luck in the dialog contest.
Blessings
Jane
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you and glad you got a smile out of it! Dennis
Comment from Joy Graham
This is lovely, Deniz :) I enjoyed the Valentine chocolates theme. My 35th wedding anniversary is coming up in Feb. We wanted a Valentine wedding, but it was a weekday that year so we went with the Saturday before.
Now you have me craving chocolates. I love the toffees and nuts the best. I have done so well losing weight and now I realize Valentines chocolates are out.
I had to laugh about the squishing the chocolates. My mother-in-law used to do that when she was a young girl. She liked the hard and crunchy chocolates. She'd stick her finger up under the bottom of the chocolate to find them lol!
This is a fun contest entry. I wish you the best.
Joy xx
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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This is lovely, Deniz :) I enjoyed the Valentine chocolates theme. My 35th wedding anniversary is coming up in Feb. We wanted a Valentine wedding, but it was a weekday that year so we went with the Saturday before.
Now you have me craving chocolates. I love the toffees and nuts the best. I have done so well losing weight and now I realize Valentines chocolates are out.
I had to laugh about the squishing the chocolates. My mother-in-law used to do that when she was a young girl. She liked the hard and crunchy chocolates. She'd stick her finger up under the bottom of the chocolate to find them lol!
This is a fun contest entry. I wish you the best.
Joy xx
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you Joy, and the love of chocolate is not a sin, it's a gift. You can read it in the part of the Bible where I add on. Enjoy but share and BTW, squishing the chocolates is really done in self defense. Imagine getting something horrid inside which even chocolate can not make palatable? Yuk! :) Thanks again, Dennis
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You're too funny, and that's one of the many things I love about you!
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:)
Comment from JennaG
This was such a fun read! I enjoyed all of it, but especially the comparison of the layers of chocolates to the phases of their marriage. Very clever and creative! I also liked the reference to "mashing the heads" of the chocolates. It sounds like something I would do...the caramel ones are my favorites and I'm always searching for them. Lol :) Great job with the dialogue! Best of luck to you in the contest! :)
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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This was such a fun read! I enjoyed all of it, but especially the comparison of the layers of chocolates to the phases of their marriage. Very clever and creative! I also liked the reference to "mashing the heads" of the chocolates. It sounds like something I would do...the caramel ones are my favorites and I'm always searching for them. Lol :) Great job with the dialogue! Best of luck to you in the contest! :)
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thanks again, Jenna. I only mash their little heads in self defense least I ingest a coconut one! :) Blessings, Dennis
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
Very well-written dialogue between a slightly aged couple who know each other so well, they exactly know how the other partner will react, because they go through the same routine for years on Valentine's day.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Very well-written dialogue between a slightly aged couple who know each other so well, they exactly know how the other partner will react, because they go through the same routine for years on Valentine's day.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you!
Comment from apky
This is wonderfully hilarious.
It sounds as if you and your Missus do have a fabulous sense of humour and use it every chance you get. I can only hope that when my turn comes, my husband and I will still be able to see the light side of our lives together.
And I liked the way you played the "card" thing in the last sentence, driving it to another, different meaning altogether.!
"Hi, I'm on my way home to your lovin' arms(,) Baby!"
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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This is wonderfully hilarious.
It sounds as if you and your Missus do have a fabulous sense of humour and use it every chance you get. I can only hope that when my turn comes, my husband and I will still be able to see the light side of our lives together.
And I liked the way you played the "card" thing in the last sentence, driving it to another, different meaning altogether.!
"Hi, I'm on my way home to your lovin' arms(,) Baby!"
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thanks for a kind and thoughtful review and spotting the errant comma!
God bless, Dennis
