Comment from Sharon Haiste

Excellent

I think this is a good entry for the 'Kidnapped' writing prompt.
Well done. Your story is well told and clear.
Good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon

 Comment Written 07-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018

Thanks, Sharon

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

Ah well, at least the abandoned farmhouse wasn't so abandoned after all. Bad intel really does screw things up, still no harm done, except for Oscar's impending dismissal and/or retirement...

It may be an idea to include Oscar's last name in the second line when he's named for the first time so there is a direct correlation to Sergeant Wolf...

"Cover me!" he shouted, as the sergeant bolted - it would be clearer to say as he bolted, as it could give the impression of two different people.

"What's this?" asked the lieutenant." - delete the speech marks from the end here.

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 07-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018

I was hesitant, but after making your suggested revisions, it reads much better. I also removed the question, Who is this? as it took the image out of his mind and made it too real. Thanks for your help with this. Bill

Comment from IKinnie

Excellent

For such a short piece, I was on the edge of my seat the whole story. To end with such a twist was great. No grammatical errors, good intro to characters, drama and scene.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018

Thanks, IK

Comment from Cheryl I

Excellent

Very interesting story. Wrong house, but a good outcome - well, except for Oscar, I guess. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this and think you did a great job. Cheryl

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018

Thanks, Cheryl

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

A nice relatable and realistic story of kidnapping, well done, well said, lively expressed, thank you for sharing, wish you good luck to the kidnapping writing prompt contest. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018

Thanks, ALD. Bill

Comment from mermaids

Excellent

You held my interest here. Excellent writing and dialog that draws the reader into the story and holds her there. I like how this was the wrong house, it seems the little girl was rescued anyways.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018

Was she? Thank you, mer, for the terrific review. Bill