Detective Monroe
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The Murderer taunts Monroe"Serial murderer and Detective have a commonality
3 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Sandra,
I can see how this could be a very interesting premise for a detective story, if handled well. *smile* A serial killer who looks exactly like the detective chasing him?? Clever. It would be super cool to find out that they were twins separated at birth huh? haha! I'll have to check in on this story from time to time and find out what's happening -- IF you are still speaking to me after this review, that is.
Though the premise shows promise, the execution has some flaws, if you will permit me to say so -- I will also explain why I say this. You're having a lot of Point-of-View issues, first of all. Typically, a writer will choose ONE character to follow as the main character (or 'protagonist'.) It is perfectly acceptable for a writer to have 2-3 three characters that he allows to take center stage -- allowing us to see things from their POV -- but they have to TAKE THEIR TURNS -- and the author will usually show these changes in pov by changing chapters OR by skipping a few lines to show that something new is about to happen, either a change in time, or places or a new character is taking over. See what I mean?
*Please make sure and note these instances in books as you read the next few books.
Another issue I noted is the changing of tenses. You should always pick ONE tense for a story: past or present (I don't think I've ever read anything in FUTURE tense -- haha.) And, like pov, you should STICK with it. In portions of this chapter (that I've noted in the notes below) you switch from past tense to present. That's a no-no. K?
Other notes:
1.) "I could not help but (notice) you look so sad, and you are (too) pretty to be sad."
--> you'll notice we start out in the killer's pov
2.) His voice sounded so sincere. "Tell me why you are sad?"
--> This does not work. Imagine yourself and how you see yourself. You would not be able to say for sure, if say something to a friend, whether or not you sounded sincere -- only your friend would be able to say that. So, since you are in THE KILLER's POV - this doesn't work.
--> you CAN say, 'he tried to sound as sincere as possible as he said, "Tell me why you are so sad."
3.) She looked up at him and could not believe what she was seeing.
--> I wonder if you can see that you just jumped into this woman's skin? (Whose name you never give us, btw.) This is called 'head-hopping' and it's a no-no.
--> This is one of the things that makes writing a challenge, sister. You have to convey all the information INSIDE the rules. *smile*
4.) "Sure that would be nice." /How she answered struck him as strange.
--> A couple things wrong with this passage. First of all, what was the problem with her answer? It would be nice to have a look into this thoughts here. Otherwise, we have no clue about what was wrong. Sounds like a perfectly fine answer to me.
--> also, whenever you have a different character speak or act, that deserves a new paragraph, so there should be a division where I have the slash mark, and a new paragraph made.
5.) Eddie decided to follow him. He walked down the street looking for something or someone.
--> Watch your pronouns. Since 'Eddie' is the last one mentioned, we should be able to think that it's Eddie you are referring to in the next sentence, instead of the killer. Make absolutely sure your reader knows what's going on. If they don't they will interrupt their reading to go back and try to figure things out. You NEVER want that to happen.
--> also, because this is a new action by a different character, you need a new paragraph
6.) Eddie thought "this guy is very strange, so do I arrest him
--> This is going to make people think you have done absolutely no research at all into the field of police work. You can't arrest a person for being strange.
7.) you are starting to become paranoid(,)" Eddie said out loud.
8.) He turned into an alley and Monroe lost him.
--> confusing pronouns again
--> needs new paragraph
--> more important of all is lack of credibility -- the POLICE OFFICER lost the guy in an ALLEY? really? A single ALLEY with two sides, one way in and one way out??? That is pretty sad, Sandra, don't you think?
9.) It was obvious in Eddie's voice he was angry.
--> misuse of POV. Eddie wouldn't speak of himself in this way. Perhaps, 'He couldn't help sounding angry...'
10.) Monroe, there is a call for you(," a) officer stated as he
--> if you have problems figuring out how to punctuate speech tags, there are tons of web sites on the subject, just Google 'punctuating speech tags'
11.) He picks up the phone. "This is Monroe(. W)hat can I do for you(?)"
12.) you and I look alike." Monroe's face froze in shock.
--> again, Monroe wouldn't describe himself this way, would he?
13.) until I went to see the girl in the (h)ospital.
14.) "Henry, is that what you said(?)"
15.) motioned to trace the call, as he (tried) to keep the guy talking.
--> jumped into present tense
16.) and how to find him before he (killed) another woman.
--> ditto
17.) you are seeking, it is I (who) (have) the answers
--> when speaking of humans, 'who is the more correct term over 'that'
--> 'have' is the more correct term also, but since it's conversation, you can also get by with 'has'
18.) "No we didn't(.) (There) wasn't enough time. Sorry Sir.
--> what year is this set? The 'tracing' of calls is over and done with -- a loooong time ago.
--> you can have a glitch in the system, maybe or you can have him call from a 'prepaid burner phone' that's untraceable or that he will immediately throw away.
19.) arrest record was 336 Morrical Blvd Apartment
--> cute - including your own name in the storyline. Just remember, if you actually use your real name on the cover to change this...
Okay, that's it. Hope this helps! Good luck!
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
   |
Sandra,
I can see how this could be a very interesting premise for a detective story, if handled well. *smile* A serial killer who looks exactly like the detective chasing him?? Clever. It would be super cool to find out that they were twins separated at birth huh? haha! I'll have to check in on this story from time to time and find out what's happening -- IF you are still speaking to me after this review, that is.
Though the premise shows promise, the execution has some flaws, if you will permit me to say so -- I will also explain why I say this. You're having a lot of Point-of-View issues, first of all. Typically, a writer will choose ONE character to follow as the main character (or 'protagonist'.) It is perfectly acceptable for a writer to have 2-3 three characters that he allows to take center stage -- allowing us to see things from their POV -- but they have to TAKE THEIR TURNS -- and the author will usually show these changes in pov by changing chapters OR by skipping a few lines to show that something new is about to happen, either a change in time, or places or a new character is taking over. See what I mean?
*Please make sure and note these instances in books as you read the next few books.
Another issue I noted is the changing of tenses. You should always pick ONE tense for a story: past or present (I don't think I've ever read anything in FUTURE tense -- haha.) And, like pov, you should STICK with it. In portions of this chapter (that I've noted in the notes below) you switch from past tense to present. That's a no-no. K?
Other notes:
1.) "I could not help but (notice) you look so sad, and you are (too) pretty to be sad."
--> you'll notice we start out in the killer's pov
2.) His voice sounded so sincere. "Tell me why you are sad?"
--> This does not work. Imagine yourself and how you see yourself. You would not be able to say for sure, if say something to a friend, whether or not you sounded sincere -- only your friend would be able to say that. So, since you are in THE KILLER's POV - this doesn't work.
--> you CAN say, 'he tried to sound as sincere as possible as he said, "Tell me why you are so sad."
3.) She looked up at him and could not believe what she was seeing.
--> I wonder if you can see that you just jumped into this woman's skin? (Whose name you never give us, btw.) This is called 'head-hopping' and it's a no-no.
--> This is one of the things that makes writing a challenge, sister. You have to convey all the information INSIDE the rules. *smile*
4.) "Sure that would be nice." /How she answered struck him as strange.
--> A couple things wrong with this passage. First of all, what was the problem with her answer? It would be nice to have a look into this thoughts here. Otherwise, we have no clue about what was wrong. Sounds like a perfectly fine answer to me.
--> also, whenever you have a different character speak or act, that deserves a new paragraph, so there should be a division where I have the slash mark, and a new paragraph made.
5.) Eddie decided to follow him. He walked down the street looking for something or someone.
--> Watch your pronouns. Since 'Eddie' is the last one mentioned, we should be able to think that it's Eddie you are referring to in the next sentence, instead of the killer. Make absolutely sure your reader knows what's going on. If they don't they will interrupt their reading to go back and try to figure things out. You NEVER want that to happen.
--> also, because this is a new action by a different character, you need a new paragraph
6.) Eddie thought "this guy is very strange, so do I arrest him
--> This is going to make people think you have done absolutely no research at all into the field of police work. You can't arrest a person for being strange.
7.) you are starting to become paranoid(,)" Eddie said out loud.
8.) He turned into an alley and Monroe lost him.
--> confusing pronouns again
--> needs new paragraph
--> more important of all is lack of credibility -- the POLICE OFFICER lost the guy in an ALLEY? really? A single ALLEY with two sides, one way in and one way out??? That is pretty sad, Sandra, don't you think?
9.) It was obvious in Eddie's voice he was angry.
--> misuse of POV. Eddie wouldn't speak of himself in this way. Perhaps, 'He couldn't help sounding angry...'
10.) Monroe, there is a call for you(," a) officer stated as he
--> if you have problems figuring out how to punctuate speech tags, there are tons of web sites on the subject, just Google 'punctuating speech tags'
11.) He picks up the phone. "This is Monroe(. W)hat can I do for you(?)"
12.) you and I look alike." Monroe's face froze in shock.
--> again, Monroe wouldn't describe himself this way, would he?
13.) until I went to see the girl in the (h)ospital.
14.) "Henry, is that what you said(?)"
15.) motioned to trace the call, as he (tried) to keep the guy talking.
--> jumped into present tense
16.) and how to find him before he (killed) another woman.
--> ditto
17.) you are seeking, it is I (who) (have) the answers
--> when speaking of humans, 'who is the more correct term over 'that'
--> 'have' is the more correct term also, but since it's conversation, you can also get by with 'has'
18.) "No we didn't(.) (There) wasn't enough time. Sorry Sir.
--> what year is this set? The 'tracing' of calls is over and done with -- a loooong time ago.
--> you can have a glitch in the system, maybe or you can have him call from a 'prepaid burner phone' that's untraceable or that he will immediately throw away.
19.) arrest record was 336 Morrical Blvd Apartment
--> cute - including your own name in the storyline. Just remember, if you actually use your real name on the cover to change this...
Okay, that's it. Hope this helps! Good luck!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
-
Thank you for your feedback. This is the kind of feedback I am looking for. I will take your suggestions and incorporate the into the chapter. Thank you so much.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have rewritten the first paragraph, you need to show us not tell us.) I quit making corrections a little over half-way through. I hope this helps.
He had no idea what was in store for him. He approached her just like the others. She was sipping her drink with sad eyes. She needs me he believed with certainty. She needs to be free, and it is my job to set her free. "I could not help but noticed you look so sad, and you are to pretty to be sad." His voice sounded so sincere. "Tell me why you are sad?" (TRY~~The man approached her just like the others. She sipped her drink with sad eyes. She needs me. She needs to be free. It's my job to help her.>/I> He held onto the back of a chair. "I could not help but noticed you look so sad. You're too pretty to be sad." His voice sounded so sincere. "I'm a good listen. Want to talk about what's bothering you?" )
"This guy is very clever and since he looks like me we need to be extra careful. (TRY~~~"This guy is very clever. Since he looks like me, we need to be extra careful.")
"Well Detective do I have your attention? (comma after detective, you're addressing him)
"Why are you calling me Henry?" ( comma needed after me, you're addressing Henry)
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
|
I have rewritten the first paragraph, you need to show us not tell us.) I quit making corrections a little over half-way through. I hope this helps.
He had no idea what was in store for him. He approached her just like the others. She was sipping her drink with sad eyes. She needs me he believed with certainty. She needs to be free, and it is my job to set her free. "I could not help but noticed you look so sad, and you are to pretty to be sad." His voice sounded so sincere. "Tell me why you are sad?" (TRY~~The man approached her just like the others. She sipped her drink with sad eyes. She needs me. She needs to be free. It's my job to help her.>/I> He held onto the back of a chair. "I could not help but noticed you look so sad. You're too pretty to be sad." His voice sounded so sincere. "I'm a good listen. Want to talk about what's bothering you?" )
"This guy is very clever and since he looks like me we need to be extra careful. (TRY~~~"This guy is very clever. Since he looks like me, we need to be extra careful.")
"Well Detective do I have your attention? (comma after detective, you're addressing him)
"Why are you calling me Henry?" ( comma needed after me, you're addressing Henry)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
-
Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate this and will incorporate your comments into the chapter.
Comment from apky
I think you have marvellous detective mystery/thriller and you write it with such skill there's absolutely nothing I could criticize. You have made it even more thrilling by adding the psychological twist in the form of Henry, the Detective Monroe look-alike, who sounds like a total nut job!
Very well done. I wish I still had a six - you deserve it with this.
"I could not help but noticed you look so sad, and you are to(too) pretty to be sad."
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
|
I think you have marvellous detective mystery/thriller and you write it with such skill there's absolutely nothing I could criticize. You have made it even more thrilling by adding the psychological twist in the form of Henry, the Detective Monroe look-alike, who sounds like a total nut job!
Very well done. I wish I still had a six - you deserve it with this.
"I could not help but noticed you look so sad, and you are to(too) pretty to be sad."
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
-
Thank you so much for the feedback. I haven't been able to give 6 star ratings either. The picture is an old picture and I wanted a professional looking picture.
