The Homecoming
Sometimes things do go bump in the night.16 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
Tallie thought about this as she looked at the heavy, wood door with the ugly antique door-knocker. Shaped like a demon's head, it had made her skin crawl when she was a child. It still did, 20 years later. ... As I was reading this I pictured the eerie, ornate door knocker on Ebeneezer Scrooge's door in Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol", Sherry ...
The bedroom that seemed to change the year she'd turned twelve and turned from her summer haven into her own private hell. The bedroom where she was attacked by tiny creatures that no one else could see. The bedroom where her nightly screams echoed as the razor-sharp claws and pointed teeth ripped into her breasts and legs but left wounds visible only to her. ... Remember the little demonic teeth munching
creatures in Guillermo Del Toro's film, "Don't be afraid of the Dark", Sherry? They tormented the little girl in that story to no end!
Everyone though she was off her rocker too...
She sipped a margarita and watched the trees moving gently in the breeze ...Tsk, tsk, tsk. Isn't Tallie aware of what happens if you drink alcohol and take pills for schizophrenia and depression?
You hallucinate--see things that aren't really there. She'll be right back to square one.
Except it wasn't the sheets that were pressing against her, she realized. It was hundreds of tiny creatures welcoming her back home. And as she felt the first of the claws rake her skin, she began to scream. ... Although I saw where this was heading long before I reached the end, it's still a creepy, eerie ending nonetheless.
Exceptional writing.
No errors that I could see.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Tallie thought about this as she looked at the heavy, wood door with the ugly antique door-knocker. Shaped like a demon's head, it had made her skin crawl when she was a child. It still did, 20 years later. ... As I was reading this I pictured the eerie, ornate door knocker on Ebeneezer Scrooge's door in Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol", Sherry ...
The bedroom that seemed to change the year she'd turned twelve and turned from her summer haven into her own private hell. The bedroom where she was attacked by tiny creatures that no one else could see. The bedroom where her nightly screams echoed as the razor-sharp claws and pointed teeth ripped into her breasts and legs but left wounds visible only to her. ... Remember the little demonic teeth munching
creatures in Guillermo Del Toro's film, "Don't be afraid of the Dark", Sherry? They tormented the little girl in that story to no end!
Everyone though she was off her rocker too...
She sipped a margarita and watched the trees moving gently in the breeze ...Tsk, tsk, tsk. Isn't Tallie aware of what happens if you drink alcohol and take pills for schizophrenia and depression?
You hallucinate--see things that aren't really there. She'll be right back to square one.
Except it wasn't the sheets that were pressing against her, she realized. It was hundreds of tiny creatures welcoming her back home. And as she felt the first of the claws rake her skin, she began to scream. ... Although I saw where this was heading long before I reached the end, it's still a creepy, eerie ending nonetheless.
Exceptional writing.
No errors that I could see.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Evening, Dean! I'm not surprised that you saw where it was going - you and I seem to enjoy reading and writing much of the same type of stories. Thank you for both the best wishes and taking the time to read my offering to the dark ones. Have a warm and safe New Year's Eve and we'll see ya on the flip, my friend!
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You're more than welcome, Sherry.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You have the basis of a good solid tale here. Some nice descriptive work, although it doesn't always add up in places. Good strong point of view.
Some things I noticed though-
door-knocker - doorknocker can be one word.
A breeze blew the scent of her grandmother's rosemary and other herbs to her and she glanced at the garden. The fountain and most of the plants were completely concealed under a tangled mass of encroaching brambles and overgrown rosebushes. Only a few of the once carefully tended plants poked bravely through, searching for the sun. Tallie shivered and rubbed her bare arms.
- this paragraph contains some contradictions in description. It would be very overgrown in five years with no attendance and the chances the herbs and such like would have died out or been strangled/overtaken by weeds and suchlike.
The picture you've chosen doesn't really add to your piece as the house pictured is evidently tiny yet the grandparents' one in the story must be a lot larger given a piano, an upstairs and so on. It may not seem like an important detail but this image is already in the reader's mind before they start reading.
Tallie looked up the stairs and wondered how she could ever sleep in the bedroom where she'd stayed as a child - why would she need to? There must have been other rooms for the grandparents to sleep in...
she realized how silly it had been to wait so long to come home. - this struck me as odd as earlier it states she spent summers there with her grandparents which suggests she lived somewhere else.
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Hi there,
You have the basis of a good solid tale here. Some nice descriptive work, although it doesn't always add up in places. Good strong point of view.
Some things I noticed though-
door-knocker - doorknocker can be one word.
A breeze blew the scent of her grandmother's rosemary and other herbs to her and she glanced at the garden. The fountain and most of the plants were completely concealed under a tangled mass of encroaching brambles and overgrown rosebushes. Only a few of the once carefully tended plants poked bravely through, searching for the sun. Tallie shivered and rubbed her bare arms.
- this paragraph contains some contradictions in description. It would be very overgrown in five years with no attendance and the chances the herbs and such like would have died out or been strangled/overtaken by weeds and suchlike.
The picture you've chosen doesn't really add to your piece as the house pictured is evidently tiny yet the grandparents' one in the story must be a lot larger given a piano, an upstairs and so on. It may not seem like an important detail but this image is already in the reader's mind before they start reading.
Tallie looked up the stairs and wondered how she could ever sleep in the bedroom where she'd stayed as a child - why would she need to? There must have been other rooms for the grandparents to sleep in...
she realized how silly it had been to wait so long to come home. - this struck me as odd as earlier it states she spent summers there with her grandparents which suggests she lived somewhere else.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to read and critique my story. You brought up some good points and I do apologize for the picture. I finished the story at about 4 minutes before the deadline and couldn't find the photo I was looking for. The thumbnail of this one on my computer looked ok but it was to late to change it when I saw the full size picture. I'll change it after the contest is over since I don't think I can at this point. I will also take a look at some of the other issues that you raised and see if I can find a work around for them. Have a great weekend and, again, thank you for your thoughtful review.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Oh my goodness! I didn't expect that! A horror write indeed and I was sucked in by your wonderful soothing words until the end . . . You got me! Happy new year to you, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Oh my goodness! I didn't expect that! A horror write indeed and I was sucked in by your wonderful soothing words until the end . . . You got me! Happy new year to you, love Dolly x
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Evening Dolly - thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my story. Loved your reaction - this is exactly what I was aiming for. And hope the new year treats you well, too.
Comment from Ricky1024
The homecoming was well written rich and seem as well as imagery red well flood well with no ground reishi so to speak I check if an object account since were excellent and descriptive measures in place talk to Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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The homecoming was well written rich and seem as well as imagery red well flood well with no ground reishi so to speak I check if an object account since were excellent and descriptive measures in place talk to Ricky 1024
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Ricky - thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my story. Have a great weekend!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
That sounds like one homecoming that just shouldn't have happened. Perhaps an exorcism first might have been in order. haha.
A very scary story that you lead up to well, and built a good background for.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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That sounds like one homecoming that just shouldn't have happened. Perhaps an exorcism first might have been in order. haha.
A very scary story that you lead up to well, and built a good background for.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my story, Rhonda. Hope you have a great weekend.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This is a good entry for the 'Horror Story' writing prompt.
You've done an excellent job. This is vivid and scary.
Good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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This is a good entry for the 'Horror Story' writing prompt.
You've done an excellent job. This is vivid and scary.
Good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story, Sharon. Glad you liked it. Have a great weekend.
