The Toymaker
Kris brings joy to girls and boys.12 total reviews
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Christmas story speaks a nice message, activity for the poor boys and girls and humanity as Kris the toymaker can make toys that speak and he will offer them; I like. DR ALCREATOR
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reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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This Christmas story speaks a nice message, activity for the poor boys and girls and humanity as Kris the toymaker can make toys that speak and he will offer them; I like. DR ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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Happy Christmas friend. Glad you enjoyed and thanks for reading. Kay XX
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed the themes of this piece and the writing did have a nice, warm tone to it which was very fitting.
There are a few things you might want to look at on a technical basis-
It may be an idea to leave a clear line between all pieces of dialogue.
Kris, we have lived for such a long time?" Alaska scratched his antlers on the fireplace "do you think we will live forever?" - you don't really need the first question mark and you could insert a comma after fireplace. The second piece od dialogue should start with a capital letter.
"What are you two up to now?" Said Kris's wife Belle - said, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name.
lit his pipe. Reindeers love to smoke, - not a good advertisement these days!
and myriads of faeries - perhaps a myriad of faeries?
Be careful of tense changes. In places it fluctuates between present and past.
"Your not just a handsome elf my friend - You're.
There are a couple of time shifts in here which aren't well designated, giving a disjointed flow.
"Dad lost his job at the factory and, and..." "Hush, child," Belle cradled the boy to her ample bosom- these would be better seeperated out onto different lines.
"Well, lets see, how can we help the family?" Kris thought to himself - let's. Also, it may be an idea to present the thoughts differently to differentiate them from dialogue. At present you use double marks for both, but you could use the single marks for thought, or italicise them. If you're using the thought tag you may not need to use anything at all.
Tory raced his dilapidated wheelchair down the hall towards his grandparents - rather dangerous given this - Tory played with the useless brakes on his old wheelchair...
He knew they were poor; no gifts at least they would have a nice meal together as a family. - but then they have a take-out would suggest more money than you think...
"How did you know the name of the chair?" Whispered Belle. - whispered.
He also knew his grandfather was a magical person who made gifts for children. - if he knew this why was he so worried earlier about getting no presents?
didn't know about his magical grandparent's. - grandparents is just a plural here so no apostrophe necessary.
Our first stop is a friend who will find me a wheelchair for Tory." - need opening speech marks here.
"Let's go to bed my darling man, it's nearly Christmas Day. - need closing speech marks here.
He knew grandpa wouldn't let the family down. - again this doesn't marry up to his feeling earlier when they first arrived.
"Must have been a gigantic win?" Said his son - said (surely his son would have known about his father?)
The final paragraph with the cabin burning down felt a little tagged on.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
 |
Hi there,
I enjoyed the themes of this piece and the writing did have a nice, warm tone to it which was very fitting.
There are a few things you might want to look at on a technical basis-
It may be an idea to leave a clear line between all pieces of dialogue.
Kris, we have lived for such a long time?" Alaska scratched his antlers on the fireplace "do you think we will live forever?" - you don't really need the first question mark and you could insert a comma after fireplace. The second piece od dialogue should start with a capital letter.
"What are you two up to now?" Said Kris's wife Belle - said, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name.
lit his pipe. Reindeers love to smoke, - not a good advertisement these days!
and myriads of faeries - perhaps a myriad of faeries?
Be careful of tense changes. In places it fluctuates between present and past.
"Your not just a handsome elf my friend - You're.
There are a couple of time shifts in here which aren't well designated, giving a disjointed flow.
"Dad lost his job at the factory and, and..." "Hush, child," Belle cradled the boy to her ample bosom- these would be better seeperated out onto different lines.
"Well, lets see, how can we help the family?" Kris thought to himself - let's. Also, it may be an idea to present the thoughts differently to differentiate them from dialogue. At present you use double marks for both, but you could use the single marks for thought, or italicise them. If you're using the thought tag you may not need to use anything at all.
Tory raced his dilapidated wheelchair down the hall towards his grandparents - rather dangerous given this - Tory played with the useless brakes on his old wheelchair...
He knew they were poor; no gifts at least they would have a nice meal together as a family. - but then they have a take-out would suggest more money than you think...
"How did you know the name of the chair?" Whispered Belle. - whispered.
He also knew his grandfather was a magical person who made gifts for children. - if he knew this why was he so worried earlier about getting no presents?
didn't know about his magical grandparent's. - grandparents is just a plural here so no apostrophe necessary.
Our first stop is a friend who will find me a wheelchair for Tory." - need opening speech marks here.
"Let's go to bed my darling man, it's nearly Christmas Day. - need closing speech marks here.
He knew grandpa wouldn't let the family down. - again this doesn't marry up to his feeling earlier when they first arrived.
"Must have been a gigantic win?" Said his son - said (surely his son would have known about his father?)
The final paragraph with the cabin burning down felt a little tagged on.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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Merry Christmas and thanks for reading and editing. Kay XX
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PS: GMG I thank you for edits and am working on the story to hopefully get more than 4 stars from you. I will let you know when it is finished. Gratefully yours, Kay.
