Zone In
Remove headphones and listen.66 total reviews
Comment from mvbrooks
I really liked the poems fluency and the message.
On the first read-through, It did dis-jar me some in the first stanza when there was a sudden "we" -- it felt imposing because instead of someone telling me his journey and suggesting I try it (zoning in), it seemed almost to be cast onto the reader.
When the rest of the poem maintained the "me/I" focus, it seemed more inviting.
When I read it a second time, I thought, "perhaps I (the reader) is a fellow traveler" but this didn't quite fit for me either as "I" (we) was only included in one line and then forgotten on the inner journey that was distracted by joggers with headphones.
For me, the poem works better without the "we'" -- just a thought.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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I really liked the poems fluency and the message.
On the first read-through, It did dis-jar me some in the first stanza when there was a sudden "we" -- it felt imposing because instead of someone telling me his journey and suggesting I try it (zoning in), it seemed almost to be cast onto the reader.
When the rest of the poem maintained the "me/I" focus, it seemed more inviting.
When I read it a second time, I thought, "perhaps I (the reader) is a fellow traveler" but this didn't quite fit for me either as "I" (we) was only included in one line and then forgotten on the inner journey that was distracted by joggers with headphones.
For me, the poem works better without the "we'" -- just a thought.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Thank you, mvbrooks, for your review and comments about "we." Given that I walked that mountain with my dog, Mina, I debated whether or not to use "I" or "we" because we both walked up the mountain together. In the end, I acknowledged her by using "we," but you are right, "I" might work better. So I switched it to "I," and let it stew a bit. I may switch it back but I like the "I" now.
Thank you for your review and suggestion.
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I'm glad my comments were helpful and appreciate knowing you considered them.
Comment from Benny Beeharry
This is a great write dear friend, the language the go down and the music in it combined to make it beautiful poetry.
I love the message ...listen to yourself, and the way you go..not many do.i wish they do.
Bless you.
Merry Xmas and a great new year.
Danny Jock
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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This is a great write dear friend, the language the go down and the music in it combined to make it beautiful poetry.
I love the message ...listen to yourself, and the way you go..not many do.i wish they do.
Bless you.
Merry Xmas and a great new year.
Danny Jock
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Thank you, Danny, for your review of my poem about listening to yourself. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too.
Comment from estory
I think this poem was one of your best. I liked the music you created with the repetitions, "I zone into myself". I also think you have a couple of terrific images here, "I listen to the music of my feet/ Crunching this path, The music of the wind/ through the leaves" and then this last image, "The crest of this mountain/ As we ,merge/ into the sky". I think its a great message of leaving the social media and the electronics behind and celebrating the joy of living in the moment, celebrating a place and a time in life. estory
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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I think this poem was one of your best. I liked the music you created with the repetitions, "I zone into myself". I also think you have a couple of terrific images here, "I listen to the music of my feet/ Crunching this path, The music of the wind/ through the leaves" and then this last image, "The crest of this mountain/ As we ,merge/ into the sky". I think its a great message of leaving the social media and the electronics behind and celebrating the joy of living in the moment, celebrating a place and a time in life. estory
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Yes, estory, if I had wore headphones during that walk or surfed the net or talked on my phone, I never would have "heard" the opening lines I later turned into a poem. Thank you for your review of my poem about living in the moment and for calling this poem one of my best. Thanks also for pointing out my terrific images. I appreciate it.
Comment from Heather Knight
You're so right, Andre. I love technology, but sometimes we forget to pay attention to the world around us.
I love your poem, but unfortunately I have no sixes left.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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You're so right, Andre. I love technology, but sometimes we forget to pay attention to the world around us.
I love your poem, but unfortunately I have no sixes left.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Thank you, Maria, for your virtual six review of my poem about paying attention to our surroundings. I appreciate it.
Comment from RGstar
Not sure I identify with the all ear phones detract from surroundings notion, for there are many reasons as too, meant things one can listen to on such walks, whether poetry, music (the calming voice of the soul) as to other emotions that center for that particular time. The notion that music is loud and blaring is a stigma that goes with the view. Music is one, if not the most effective vessel, apart from the spoken word itself, in mediating and intelligence of the senses. A source unequal in linking or creating, or even identifying with emotions to not only the psyche, but also surroundings. Yet, I found this nicely written.
Lovely calming effect with words that both sooth, relaxes and applies imagery in the doing. Well done. Good concentration in homing I on detail that we may take for granted.
I won't be writing or reviewing much over the period as I fractured ankle in a fall, (painful) and for a change not spending Christmas doing charity as previous years where I cook or deliver food for the homeless, being picked up this year for a rare time with dear friends, so friends and fans alike, please forgive a little absence. Have a beautiful Christmas and a prosperous New Year, Andre
I am giving this a sixth star.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2017
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Not sure I identify with the all ear phones detract from surroundings notion, for there are many reasons as too, meant things one can listen to on such walks, whether poetry, music (the calming voice of the soul) as to other emotions that center for that particular time. The notion that music is loud and blaring is a stigma that goes with the view. Music is one, if not the most effective vessel, apart from the spoken word itself, in mediating and intelligence of the senses. A source unequal in linking or creating, or even identifying with emotions to not only the psyche, but also surroundings. Yet, I found this nicely written.
Lovely calming effect with words that both sooth, relaxes and applies imagery in the doing. Well done. Good concentration in homing I on detail that we may take for granted.
I won't be writing or reviewing much over the period as I fractured ankle in a fall, (painful) and for a change not spending Christmas doing charity as previous years where I cook or deliver food for the homeless, being picked up this year for a rare time with dear friends, so friends and fans alike, please forgive a little absence. Have a beautiful Christmas and a prosperous New Year, Andre
I am giving this a sixth star.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2017
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RG, you get better and have a beautiful Christmas and prosperous New Year yourself.
By leaving off the headphones and honing in on my surroundings, I composed the opening line of this poem by the time I descended the mountain. I did not realize it was a poem at first because I was not focused on writing. I almost wrote the opening line on a piece of paper and left it at the trail head, but I decided to develop it into a poem.
Thank you, RG, for your generous, six star review. I pray for your rapid recovery.
Comment from Ricky1024
Hey sis cat this is a free verse poem very well written talking about zoning in and never zoning out for yourself but for the joggers who jog by who need to awaken they are attached to their devices living in their world and only their world they walking the zombies on the way to nowheresville unfortunately a high percentage of the world has gone to this since the internet they zone out either this way or through addictions and it persists and contains our American society moving Us in the backward Direction along with this planet Earth since nine-one-one of course according to my seven laws of judication based on the seven deadly sins starting with the addictions going into the tobacco oil banking industry telecommunications industry lack of monopolization laws and of course the lack of religion this world is in Desperate trouble we need to wake up and shake up this planet Earth a night holy attend intend to do this I'm still waiting for a call back from Kelly and Ryan Seacrest I want to go on the show and promote organ tissue donation since my son went that path over 14 years ago God bless you and may you and each of yours these holiday seasons bring forth with great health and prosperity dr. Ricky 1024 reviews coming through a cell phone with run-on sentences and possible grammar issues sorry
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2017
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Hey sis cat this is a free verse poem very well written talking about zoning in and never zoning out for yourself but for the joggers who jog by who need to awaken they are attached to their devices living in their world and only their world they walking the zombies on the way to nowheresville unfortunately a high percentage of the world has gone to this since the internet they zone out either this way or through addictions and it persists and contains our American society moving Us in the backward Direction along with this planet Earth since nine-one-one of course according to my seven laws of judication based on the seven deadly sins starting with the addictions going into the tobacco oil banking industry telecommunications industry lack of monopolization laws and of course the lack of religion this world is in Desperate trouble we need to wake up and shake up this planet Earth a night holy attend intend to do this I'm still waiting for a call back from Kelly and Ryan Seacrest I want to go on the show and promote organ tissue donation since my son went that path over 14 years ago God bless you and may you and each of yours these holiday seasons bring forth with great health and prosperity dr. Ricky 1024 reviews coming through a cell phone with run-on sentences and possible grammar issues sorry
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2017
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Thank you, Ricky, for your generous review. It's odd that Christmas is coming--a time when we sing "Silent Night, Holy Night." Nowadays, we can't hear it if we are zoned out on our devices. Yes, we need to wake up and shake planet Earth.
God bless you and yours this holiday season, too.
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Thanks Cat and be careful...
Felix has his bag of tricks!
LOL!!
Ricky..
Comment from Thal1959
Excellent free verse, Andre - and one that is pertinent to current times. It seems too many people, especially the young, are just passing through with life... audibly blind to what is happening around them.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Excellent free verse, Andre - and one that is pertinent to current times. It seems too many people, especially the young, are just passing through with life... audibly blind to what is happening around them.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2017
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Yes, Thal1959, I was stunned to walk such a beautiful trail and find so many people zoned out on their devices. Perhaps because I was not a local but was walking the trial for the first time was the reason why the audibly blind joggers and walkers struck my imagination. Thank you for your generous, six star review. I appreciate it.
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It is always my pleasure, Andre.
Comment from zekeziemann
You have described the feeling of many people who watch others who are only into their world and are missing the beauty and treasures around them. Wonderful poem well thought out.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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You have described the feeling of many people who watch others who are only into their world and are missing the beauty and treasures around them. Wonderful poem well thought out.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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Yes, zekeziemann, I was surprised that so many people were zoning out on such a beautiful mountain path. This depressed me so much, that by the time I descended I had composed the first line of this poem. Thank you for your review.
Comment from frierajac
Thanks so much for this one. I got a single Christmas card today from Oakland. Your poem could be my son speaking from there on that very path with his only dog,
and he doesn't have time to write it, sadly.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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Thanks so much for this one. I got a single Christmas card today from Oakland. Your poem could be my son speaking from there on that very path with his only dog,
and he doesn't have time to write it, sadly.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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Yes, frierajac, I am amazed that I began to write this poem during my walk with my dog but without the headphones on my ears. I am searching for more opportunities for tranquility so I can think, imagine, and create. Thank you for your review.
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you're welcome
Comment from ameen786
"As we merge into the sky,"-a beautiful line my friend, unique and quite meaningful. The verse if superb with a smooth flow and vivid imagery; all the best!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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"As we merge into the sky,"-a beautiful line my friend, unique and quite meaningful. The verse if superb with a smooth flow and vivid imagery; all the best!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2017
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Yes, ameen786, walking up that mountain, glimpsing patches of blue on the ridge, I imagined my dog and myself walking into the sky. Thank you for your review. I just finished reading Agha Shahid Ali's book of ghazals and am now going back over it a second time to read or listen to the poems of every poet to whom he dedicated a poem. Thanks again.
