The Fawn
A once in a lifetime experience for two boys and me.38 total reviews
Comment from JDRBAR
Nature doesn't need a studio or film director to create the most beautiful movies in the world. This truly was a once in a lifetime experience for the three of you. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
  |
Nature doesn't need a studio or film director to create the most beautiful movies in the world. This truly was a once in a lifetime experience for the three of you. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
-
Thank you so much. I am glad you liked it.
Comment from Halfree
This is a good story about a father and his son, while canoeing, have an encounter with a deer and her fawn or fawns. The introductory pargraph gives a lot of detailed information that adds little to the story. The reader does not need all the information about gear and and the women shopping and soforth. Thoes details, the women and shopping and his carrying the gear adds very little to the story.
Ask youself, "What is the story about?"
The story is about a deer and her fawns. The father telling the story is much like the deer. He too has his son and that son will soon depart. He,like the mother deer, will protect their children and will have to let them depart and live their life.
This is a good stroy and deserves a rewrite.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
 |
This is a good story about a father and his son, while canoeing, have an encounter with a deer and her fawn or fawns. The introductory pargraph gives a lot of detailed information that adds little to the story. The reader does not need all the information about gear and and the women shopping and soforth. Thoes details, the women and shopping and his carrying the gear adds very little to the story.
Ask youself, "What is the story about?"
The story is about a deer and her fawns. The father telling the story is much like the deer. He too has his son and that son will soon depart. He,like the mother deer, will protect their children and will have to let them depart and live their life.
This is a good stroy and deserves a rewrite.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
-
Thank you for your review.
-
You have a good story and I could be full of it...my review was my take on the story, that's all,
Comment from Ricky1024
The phone was a wonderful story well written Richins well in the theme and imagery Treadwell flowed well with no grammar issues scripted measures round play subjective content Grace object of content thanks for this talk to Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
|
The phone was a wonderful story well written Richins well in the theme and imagery Treadwell flowed well with no grammar issues scripted measures round play subjective content Grace object of content thanks for this talk to Ricky 1024
Comment Written 13-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
-
Thank you so much for your review.
Comment from MelB
Oh no! I was hoping to see the pictures, Daniel. I sure enjoyed reading this story. I'm so glad the little fawn was okay. I was worried too for his safety.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
|
Oh no! I was hoping to see the pictures, Daniel. I sure enjoyed reading this story. I'm so glad the little fawn was okay. I was worried too for his safety.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2017
-
Thank you so much for your review Mel. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Dan Diego
Hi Dan, I really enjoyed this story. The thing that stood out to me was the even pace of the narration. The sentences were lean. Your word choice was specific and your experience in nature sure added authenticity. And it's a true story!
I focused on spelling, punctuation, and grammar. You did a fine job there. There were no continuity problems. I must admit, you have a gift with the narrative style. There weren't a lot of "he saids" and "she saids." There were no sly grins, or anguished drama. Just pure story-telling.
And of course, there's the story itself. You found a way to add suspense to the narrative. I truly cared for the fawn. I only paused briefly when you climbed into the head of the doe to give her perspective. But that did not get in the way of a damn fine read.
I truly hope this gets read by the judges. Take care and I'll see you around the river.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
|
Hi Dan, I really enjoyed this story. The thing that stood out to me was the even pace of the narration. The sentences were lean. Your word choice was specific and your experience in nature sure added authenticity. And it's a true story!
I focused on spelling, punctuation, and grammar. You did a fine job there. There were no continuity problems. I must admit, you have a gift with the narrative style. There weren't a lot of "he saids" and "she saids." There were no sly grins, or anguished drama. Just pure story-telling.
And of course, there's the story itself. You found a way to add suspense to the narrative. I truly cared for the fawn. I only paused briefly when you climbed into the head of the doe to give her perspective. But that did not get in the way of a damn fine read.
I truly hope this gets read by the judges. Take care and I'll see you around the river.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
-
Thank you so much Dan for reviewing this story. This is one of them that I took into Hemingway and tweaked it. It's interesting that you had a pause where I got into the doe's head. Hemingway didn't like the original and I messed with that area a few times and finally told myself to leave it alone. I'm sure it is not as I had originally wrote it but it is what it is now. After the app, I do feel it reads smoother as a whole. I appreciate you telling me about my style of telling a story. That alone is worth gold to me. I am starting to build some confidence in my ability. Man, I apologize, but I could talk to you for hours. Thank you again Dan.
Comment from Poetic Friend
I love fawn's and doe's; thus, the title grabbed my attention. I was not disappointed with the story either.
That poor doe learned a lot from that ordeal, which you vividly described so well. I am anxious to see the pictures. Please post them.
For some reason, this sentence reads awkwardly: Oh no!", And turned the canoe quickly closer to the fawn's side of the river
I believe it's the punctuation between no!", And. I am uncertain, so please feel free to ignore.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
|
I love fawn's and doe's; thus, the title grabbed my attention. I was not disappointed with the story either.
That poor doe learned a lot from that ordeal, which you vividly described so well. I am anxious to see the pictures. Please post them.
For some reason, this sentence reads awkwardly: Oh no!", And turned the canoe quickly closer to the fawn's side of the river
I believe it's the punctuation between no!", And. I am uncertain, so please feel free to ignore.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
-
Thank you so much for your review. Your timing was perfect, as I just corrected that error. I am so glad you liked it. Unfortunately, Jarrett's camera got dropped on their way home and it opened up, exposing the film. He was heartbroken to learn the photos were ruined. Thank God for our memories though.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written exciting story. Although the photos cannot be developed to remind the three of you about the experience I am sure you will talk about that day for years.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
|
A very well-written exciting story. Although the photos cannot be developed to remind the three of you about the experience I am sure you will talk about that day for years.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2017
-
Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from loismddavis
sorry you did not get any pictures but as you have described it you have vivid pictures of your adventure with the fawn in your head and probably will not forget it for a very long time. This was a well written true adventure which I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
|
sorry you did not get any pictures but as you have described it you have vivid pictures of your adventure with the fawn in your head and probably will not forget it for a very long time. This was a well written true adventure which I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
-
Thank you for your review and positive feedback. I am glad you liked it. Yes, I will remember this day for a very long time.
Comment from c_lucas
Wild life offers some entertaining incidents. This is vert well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
|
Wild life offers some entertaining incidents. This is vert well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate it very much.
-
You're welcome, Daniel. Charlie
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is truly a suspense story and throughout your words I feared for the fawn! But he made it and I am so pleased, you have shown your boys nature at it's best and how surviving these conditions is not easy and this experience has shaped their lives in some way. This is something that city people miss out on and I'm one of them, loved your nature story, lvoe Dolly x
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
|
This is truly a suspense story and throughout your words I feared for the fawn! But he made it and I am so pleased, you have shown your boys nature at it's best and how surviving these conditions is not easy and this experience has shaped their lives in some way. This is something that city people miss out on and I'm one of them, loved your nature story, lvoe Dolly x
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
-
I am so glad you liked it. Thank you so much for our review.
