Sorrow
Loop Poetry Contest Submission37 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Hey there--great to see your name here after a long time!
Love this line: Time stands still as angels pray.
Beautiful tone and tenor and imagery. Fine phrasing and flow (read aloud, with the added punctuation suggestions below) that move along fluidly without it sounding forced (not easy to achieve with this form).
When mourning doves fly heaven bound(Heaven-bound),
Bound by grief(,) they find their way,
Way up high(,) through space and time,
Time stands still as angels pray.
Pray I'll find the strength to cope,
Cope each day without you here,
Here where sorrow is all I feel,(--)
Feel like I want to disappear.
Disappear amongst the crowds,(;)
Crowds make me feel more alone,(.)
Alone I'll face your death(,) and then,
Then this heart will turn to stone.
Poignant closing note. While the heart turning to stone is a cliche image, it fits in perfectly and leaves a strong sense of AHA.
Good rhymes and phonetics.
Your current punctuation choices do not serve the poem well, I feel. But it is optional to make any of the above changes. Just some ideas.
Touching work.
warmly, rd
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2017
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Hey there--great to see your name here after a long time!
Love this line: Time stands still as angels pray.
Beautiful tone and tenor and imagery. Fine phrasing and flow (read aloud, with the added punctuation suggestions below) that move along fluidly without it sounding forced (not easy to achieve with this form).
When mourning doves fly heaven bound(Heaven-bound),
Bound by grief(,) they find their way,
Way up high(,) through space and time,
Time stands still as angels pray.
Pray I'll find the strength to cope,
Cope each day without you here,
Here where sorrow is all I feel,(--)
Feel like I want to disappear.
Disappear amongst the crowds,(;)
Crowds make me feel more alone,(.)
Alone I'll face your death(,) and then,
Then this heart will turn to stone.
Poignant closing note. While the heart turning to stone is a cliche image, it fits in perfectly and leaves a strong sense of AHA.
Good rhymes and phonetics.
Your current punctuation choices do not serve the poem well, I feel. But it is optional to make any of the above changes. Just some ideas.
Touching work.
warmly, rd
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2017
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Hi,
Yes, it's been quite a while. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and for your comments. I appreciate all of them and I am so glad you liked my poem. Take care and have a wonderful day.
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Thank you, my friend. Have a glorious day yourself!
Comment from Mimi Linny
Well conceived piece of Loop poetry where all looped words mold together into a lovely presented story of heartache through the loss of someone close. Well rhymed and metered stanzas create a smooth and pleasant read. Nicely done!
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Well conceived piece of Loop poetry where all looped words mold together into a lovely presented story of heartache through the loss of someone close. Well rhymed and metered stanzas create a smooth and pleasant read. Nicely done!
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
Comment from For better for verse
This is an excellent poem great content, good rhyme and if flows really nicely. We all face intense grief at some time in our life and these few lines say it all.
A great job and a worthy contest entry....good luck!
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This is an excellent poem great content, good rhyme and if flows really nicely. We all face intense grief at some time in our life and these few lines say it all.
A great job and a worthy contest entry....good luck!
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
Comment from Liberty Justice
Lovely and a good entry for contest. These birds flying high in the sky represent sorrow and character's desire to not feel so much pain. Seems writer is hurting or character is feeling so much pain too often. lol liberty justice
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Lovely and a good entry for contest. These birds flying high in the sky represent sorrow and character's desire to not feel so much pain. Seems writer is hurting or character is feeling so much pain too often. lol liberty justice
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
Comment from LateBloomer
Hello Idamarty, Very good - excellent, smooth-flowing Loop writing. Of special note:
Pray I'll find the strength to cope,
Cope each day without you here,
Here where sorrow is all I feel,
Feel like I want to disappear.
(Emotionally driven.)
A sad poem and a poem of recovery, albeit difficult. Lovely, complementary artwork choice. Well done. As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck. Keep the blue waters flowing. LateBloomer
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2017
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Hello Idamarty, Very good - excellent, smooth-flowing Loop writing. Of special note:
Pray I'll find the strength to cope,
Cope each day without you here,
Here where sorrow is all I feel,
Feel like I want to disappear.
(Emotionally driven.)
A sad poem and a poem of recovery, albeit difficult. Lovely, complementary artwork choice. Well done. As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck. Keep the blue waters flowing. LateBloomer
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2017
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Hi,
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and for the six stars! I truly appreciate them and your comments as well. I am so glad you liked my poem. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Comment from sue133
Well done on this loop poem. You have made it look effortless and each line flows to the next perfectly. A sad subject which you have handled elegantly. The artwork is beautiful. Sue
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Well done on this loop poem. You have made it look effortless and each line flows to the next perfectly. A sad subject which you have handled elegantly. The artwork is beautiful. Sue
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Pray I'll find the strength to cope,
Cope each day without you here,
Here where sorrow is all I feel,
Feel like I want to disappear. ' oh I know that feeling. Wonderful poem, I pray you will be better, beautiful imagery good luck in the competition love Meia xx
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Pray I'll find the strength to cope,
Cope each day without you here,
Here where sorrow is all I feel,
Feel like I want to disappear. ' oh I know that feeling. Wonderful poem, I pray you will be better, beautiful imagery good luck in the competition love Meia xx
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
Comment from June Sargent
A very touching and poignant tribute to the one loved and lost. Beautiful example of a loop poem. Should do well in the contest. Lovely artwork to accompany the words.
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A very touching and poignant tribute to the one loved and lost. Beautiful example of a loop poem. Should do well in the contest. Lovely artwork to accompany the words.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
Comment from royowen
The trick with this type of poem is to make it loop without the appearance of having done so, and you've achieved that, all with the accompanying abcb rhyming thrown in. Excellent job, a nice even, articulate work, nicely crafted in this trick discipline, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
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The trick with this type of poem is to make it loop without the appearance of having done so, and you've achieved that, all with the accompanying abcb rhyming thrown in. Excellent job, a nice even, articulate work, nicely crafted in this trick discipline, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Idamarty - this is a lovely and well written poem. A sad subject which is written in true form loop. Lovely accompanying picture. I wish you well in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
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Hi Idamarty - this is a lovely and well written poem. A sad subject which is written in true form loop. Lovely accompanying picture. I wish you well in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017
