Lipstick Murders
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 " Cause of Death Unknown"Being wronged by her husband, Anna seeks revenge.
8 total reviews
Comment from Geeps
Hello there. Good next chapter in your book. You keep the pace quick.
A few suggestions
The way you have written Anna in the flashback scene, she seems to have snapped and is now maniacal with smiling as she plants the gun and laughing as she walks out at the end. I think it would make her more empathetic if her blood lust came on more subtly. She takes a second to pause after killing Brad and is both shocked and satisfied. She's angry at the mistress when she plants the gun and when she finally leaves, she allows her self to smile.
Also, for an ME to decide death was due to natural cause, that means they have a cause that is inherent to our bodies. It was not an external force. For example, heart attack, pneumonia, etc. In this situation, since there was no obvious injuries the ME would have to perform an autopsy before saying the death was from natural causes. It's also unlikely because you are describing wealthy, young woman. The ME would also pick up on the "bug bite" since Anna does not seem to be trying to conceal where she uses the lipstick. However, the ME may realistically not think of it at first until he starts seeing a pattern. I don't know if you already have planned out how Anna may slip up, but that could be one. Or you can have her be more deliberate in where she "kisses" people.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Hello there. Good next chapter in your book. You keep the pace quick.
A few suggestions
The way you have written Anna in the flashback scene, she seems to have snapped and is now maniacal with smiling as she plants the gun and laughing as she walks out at the end. I think it would make her more empathetic if her blood lust came on more subtly. She takes a second to pause after killing Brad and is both shocked and satisfied. She's angry at the mistress when she plants the gun and when she finally leaves, she allows her self to smile.
Also, for an ME to decide death was due to natural cause, that means they have a cause that is inherent to our bodies. It was not an external force. For example, heart attack, pneumonia, etc. In this situation, since there was no obvious injuries the ME would have to perform an autopsy before saying the death was from natural causes. It's also unlikely because you are describing wealthy, young woman. The ME would also pick up on the "bug bite" since Anna does not seem to be trying to conceal where she uses the lipstick. However, the ME may realistically not think of it at first until he starts seeing a pattern. I don't know if you already have planned out how Anna may slip up, but that could be one. Or you can have her be more deliberate in where she "kisses" people.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind review and your suggestions. I changed the COD to undetermined pending an investigation. I believe that's the correct ruling, right? The bug bite thing is a great idea, thanks for the suggestion.
As far as Anna's bloodlust, like the way you put it, lol. She's been tied up, beaten, raped, starved, for a month, so it's not a sudden thing. She could still pause briefly, happy it's over. I'll fix it too.
Thanks again for your review and your helpful suggestions, take care.
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Your right that is much better. It now reads Stepping back Anna admires her handy work. Thanks for the suggestion.
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My pleasure, glad I can help.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Another good chapter in your script.
The characters are staying true.
Well done.
I'm looking forward to whatever comes next.
Sharon
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017
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Another good chapter in your script.
The characters are staying true.
Well done.
I'm looking forward to whatever comes next.
Sharon
Comment Written 12-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind review, encouraging words and continuous support it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
I think Anna's a bit insane. I would never want to get on her bad side. You did a lot better with the formatting this time. I also love how you ended it, but I hate it too. It's an excellent ending that makes me want to read more. But that's the problem, I have to wait. Sometimes I can be impatient. Awesome writing! Can't wait for more!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
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I think Anna's a bit insane. I would never want to get on her bad side. You did a lot better with the formatting this time. I also love how you ended it, but I hate it too. It's an excellent ending that makes me want to read more. But that's the problem, I have to wait. Sometimes I can be impatient. Awesome writing! Can't wait for more!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 11-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review and your awesome six's. That means the world to me. Yeah, Anna has gone off the deep end but like most serial killers she's very smart which will make her hard to catch.
Thank you again for such a wonderful review, I'll try not to make you wait too long, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This script tells the situation, environment and atmosphere of interaction, character implication and detail of the scenic in series are well told, brief, to the point, interesting; I liked.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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This script tells the situation, environment and atmosphere of interaction, character implication and detail of the scenic in series are well told, brief, to the point, interesting; I liked.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your lovely review I am so glad you liked it. It's nice to hear from you again, hope all is well, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very interesting. She's killing women with lipstick. Must have a very deadly chemical dissolved in it. She'd better be careful handling it herself!
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Very interesting. She's killing women with lipstick. Must have a very deadly chemical dissolved in it. She'd better be careful handling it herself!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. It has a dissolvable dart who's poison is untraceable in a short amount of time. Believe it or not, this is real, the only thing that's noticeable is a small insect-like bite at the insertion site. I should probably put all of that in my play somehow. Make it more believable.
Thanks again for all your reviews and your support it's always greatly appreciated take care.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= Good continuation of your script.
= I found a couple of reminders.
=> You have some characters interacting in their wrong scene.
-- For instance -- When one character does and ACTION (getting up from chair -- walks across the room, etc.), it needs to be in -their- scene, not in the other person's.
=> I also noticed in the beginning, you didn't have your directives/descriptions in italics, but later on you do. It makes so much easier for the reader to catch the difference straight-away, rather than reading a few words before they realize it isn't dialogue.
= Otherwise, good scene and dialogue. (*<*)
Cheers, J
Have a good day/evening!
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*>*)
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Hi, Misty
= Good continuation of your script.
= I found a couple of reminders.
=> You have some characters interacting in their wrong scene.
-- For instance -- When one character does and ACTION (getting up from chair -- walks across the room, etc.), it needs to be in -their- scene, not in the other person's.
=> I also noticed in the beginning, you didn't have your directives/descriptions in italics, but later on you do. It makes so much easier for the reader to catch the difference straight-away, rather than reading a few words before they realize it isn't dialogue.
= Otherwise, good scene and dialogue. (*<*)
Cheers, J
Have a good day/evening!
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*>*)
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind helpful review, I fixed the problems you suggested. I have no idea why I only used italics on half the story.
Thank you again for all of your help it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
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= You're very welcome.
= I meant to tell you how GREAT it looked with the layout more defined. Super job. (*<*)
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I'm in a heck of a pickle Pronoun is going out of business so after Jan my books won't be out. I found another distributor but transferring them over then changing all the AISN, all my promos are going to take me until least Jan.
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You can go through CREATE SPACE, and then they will feed into AMAZON for FREE. (*<*) Check it out. Then they feed out to Barnes/Noble if you set it up to do so.
I make my own book covers, and submit myself, so no middle-man. You can buy copies of your books for a small price compared to other companies.
CrSpace is worth checking out. You would just have to check out if there would be a conflict on your previous books. BUT, since they are going out of business, you may be okay. Just give them a jingle and get the skinny on it.
I've talked to them in the beginning, and they are very nice--helpful. (*<*)
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I had them all over on Amazon at one time switched them over for more exposure. Guess this is what I get for getting greedy. I'll try create space. I thought I used it when I was making my covers.
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No I used Amazon's cover creator
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I like CrSpace. They have a lot of templates you use, and then can upload your own graphics -or- use theirs. Let me know how you make out. (*<*)
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I'm sorry I'm being such a PIA. I'm in create space and want to do ebooks but the only option is paperback don't they do Ebooks?
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= Oh, I thought you did soft copies too.
= Amazon does the ebooks. I'm sure you can just go through them.
= Although I'm not sure it they have cover software.
= BUT, you can make you own cover on Print Shop or Print Master, then upload it onto Amazon. I make my own.
Comment from apky
Wow, my talented friend. I hope they nail Anna, but seeing how elaborately you've spread the story right here from the beginning, I think there'll be a lo more to read here.
Excellent.
I'll tell the Captain where we're going, have the ME, and the forensics team meet us there. ~ I don't think Elizabeth mentioned where they're going, so how can Jeff know to tell the captain?
That's how I feel too. Come on boy (delete-time) it's time to go.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Wow, my talented friend. I hope they nail Anna, but seeing how elaborately you've spread the story right here from the beginning, I think there'll be a lo more to read here.
Excellent.
I'll tell the Captain where we're going, have the ME, and the forensics team meet us there. ~ I don't think Elizabeth mentioned where they're going, so how can Jeff know to tell the captain?
That's how I feel too. Come on boy (delete-time) it's time to go.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind review and your wonderful praise. Your right, unless John has special powers that would be impossible. I'll fix it now.
Thanks again for all your support it means a lot to me.
Comment from Sis Cat
Wow, what a quest. Anna is some character--a lipstick yielding serial killer. How she does it (fast-acting poison) riveted me:
Anna holds a tube of lipstick against the lady's arm. Julie springs back.
JULIE
What the...
Julie collapses on the cold tile floor.
Although Anna states her motives after each murder--That's the last boot(y) call you'll ever try and make--I root for Detective Elizabeth to capture this vigilante. Anna is a fascinating but not a sympathetic villain.
Your prose, dialogue, and script are clear and vivid. It unfolds before my imagination like a movie.
I found several SPAGS:
ANN(A)
A couple is fighting at 411 Williams Street, you need to get over there right away.
Come on boy time it's time to go.
should be
Come on, boy. It's time to go.
and
Three wealth(y) citizens dying
Your script is fast paced. I love the companion dog. I love the end:
Anna darts to her car.
Anna starts to pull away when she sees a cop standing alongside her vehicle.
Gotcha!
Thank you for sharing and for daring.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Wow, what a quest. Anna is some character--a lipstick yielding serial killer. How she does it (fast-acting poison) riveted me:
Anna holds a tube of lipstick against the lady's arm. Julie springs back.
JULIE
What the...
Julie collapses on the cold tile floor.
Although Anna states her motives after each murder--That's the last boot(y) call you'll ever try and make--I root for Detective Elizabeth to capture this vigilante. Anna is a fascinating but not a sympathetic villain.
Your prose, dialogue, and script are clear and vivid. It unfolds before my imagination like a movie.
I found several SPAGS:
ANN(A)
A couple is fighting at 411 Williams Street, you need to get over there right away.
Come on boy time it's time to go.
should be
Come on, boy. It's time to go.
and
Three wealth(y) citizens dying
Your script is fast paced. I love the companion dog. I love the end:
Anna darts to her car.
Anna starts to pull away when she sees a cop standing alongside her vehicle.
Gotcha!
Thank you for sharing and for daring.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your kind and very helpful review. I'll try to be more careful, look a little closer when I edit.
Thanks again for all your help, take care.
