Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Curse"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
18 total reviews
Comment from sunnilicious
Exceptional narrative storytelling style with dialogue. You are creative as this was very detailed. There are some words that you made up, however, they unfold or get explained well. Nice story mixed with creepiness. Horror flicks can mess with your mind. The crescent moon seems like a trustworthy ending. Great work.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
  |
Exceptional narrative storytelling style with dialogue. You are creative as this was very detailed. There are some words that you made up, however, they unfold or get explained well. Nice story mixed with creepiness. Horror flicks can mess with your mind. The crescent moon seems like a trustworthy ending. Great work.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
-
Awesome! Thank you again :)
-
Awesome! Thank you again :)
Comment from Sharon Haiste
A well written story.
The characters are well presented and the story is interesting.
Coming in part way through and reading only a portion, I can still understand what is happening.
I look forward to reading more.
Sharon
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2017
|
A well written story.
The characters are well presented and the story is interesting.
Coming in part way through and reading only a portion, I can still understand what is happening.
I look forward to reading more.
Sharon
Comment Written 07-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your generous rating and kind comments. They are very inspiring to read as I continue with this story. Thank you
Comment from Rasmine
Good job! Really good entertainment. Supernatural is one word; in the beginning of your story, you wrote it as two.
I hope to read more of your work. It sounds good.
|
Good job! Really good entertainment. Supernatural is one word; in the beginning of your story, you wrote it as two.
I hope to read more of your work. It sounds good.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2017
Comment from giraffmang
Great atmosphere and tone to this write. Very engaging.
less than super natural - supernatural?
Nice dropping in of Belinda Carlisle lyrics there.
The demon witch let's out a deafening - lets.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
|
Great atmosphere and tone to this write. Very engaging.
less than super natural - supernatural?
Nice dropping in of Belinda Carlisle lyrics there.
The demon witch let's out a deafening - lets.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
-
Awesome! Thank you. I'm glad somebody knew who Belinda Carlisle is. Thanks again for the support and grammar kinks.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Having read the whole story so far I have to say you are very talented. This is great stuff very exciting and well done I find prose much more challenging than poetry but it is mainly what I am doing right now, kindest regards and look forward to reading more, kind regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
Having read the whole story so far I have to say you are very talented. This is great stuff very exciting and well done I find prose much more challenging than poetry but it is mainly what I am doing right now, kindest regards and look forward to reading more, kind regards Meia xx
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Thank you. It is very flattering to hear. Overjoyed that you found it exciting. That was my goal to readers. Hope you take time to enjoy the previous chapters as well. Thank you again.
Comment from royowen
It was a little surreal for me, but this emotional imagery charged story was not unattractive to read. The nobility of the main protagonist, was a good character, coupled with his desire to protect his little sister were quite magnetic. The evil force, a witch arrogant, as all evil antagonists are was a good focal point for the narrative. Waking up, he discovers it's prophetic in nature. Well done, good scribing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
It was a little surreal for me, but this emotional imagery charged story was not unattractive to read. The nobility of the main protagonist, was a good character, coupled with his desire to protect his little sister were quite magnetic. The evil force, a witch arrogant, as all evil antagonists are was a good focal point for the narrative. Waking up, he discovers it's prophetic in nature. Well done, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Thank you. I'm grateful for the kind rating and your vivid compliments. Hope you are able to read the previous chapters that lead up to chapter 5. Thank you again.
-
Well done
Comment from robyn corum
C.,
Very intriguing. I don't remember seeing much, if any, of this story before. It sounds like something a lot of fantasy-world-builders would enjoy reading.
If you'll permit me, though, I did spot a few places that you might want to direct some additional attention? Notes below:
1.) slows around him like a speeding car exiting an off ramp [of a freeway] as he approaches the crib
--> the part 'of a freeway' is not needed. We all know where the on- and off- ramps are. *smile*
2.) **Approaching the light behind the door, Eu El hears another voice he (has) not heard since he was nine; it is the taunting voice of his fourth grade teacher:
--> Since he is still alive and able to remember (i.e. his memory of her hasn't STOPPED or become dead for any reason) the word 'has' is more appropriate. It shows that this behavior continues.
--> those stars are VERY distracting. They totally stopped my reading and brought me back to the present from your story. (A very bad thing!)
--> the note about Yulie can just be shared in your Author's Notes without any stars in the text
--> the information about the performance and dates of the songs is not relevant to the story. I would delete that entirely (IMO) or at least, put it in the author notes without stars in the text. If you were to print this novel, those would not be permitted in the narrative.
3.) From his bed, beneath the moonlight, he finds himself back in his bedroom looking
--> since he's in bed, we assume he's in his bedroom, so that info is redundant.
4.) Each action figure (lies) either face down, or on their backs...defeated.
--> this information makes no sense to me - these are really the only two options for the figures to fall.
It looks like one of the 'issues' you may have to watch for in your writing (we all have them! *smile* ) is the tendency to go overboard or a step too far in describing things. Be sure you respect the reader's intelligence.
Thanks - hope this helps!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
 |
C.,
Very intriguing. I don't remember seeing much, if any, of this story before. It sounds like something a lot of fantasy-world-builders would enjoy reading.
If you'll permit me, though, I did spot a few places that you might want to direct some additional attention? Notes below:
1.) slows around him like a speeding car exiting an off ramp [of a freeway] as he approaches the crib
--> the part 'of a freeway' is not needed. We all know where the on- and off- ramps are. *smile*
2.) **Approaching the light behind the door, Eu El hears another voice he (has) not heard since he was nine; it is the taunting voice of his fourth grade teacher:
--> Since he is still alive and able to remember (i.e. his memory of her hasn't STOPPED or become dead for any reason) the word 'has' is more appropriate. It shows that this behavior continues.
--> those stars are VERY distracting. They totally stopped my reading and brought me back to the present from your story. (A very bad thing!)
--> the note about Yulie can just be shared in your Author's Notes without any stars in the text
--> the information about the performance and dates of the songs is not relevant to the story. I would delete that entirely (IMO) or at least, put it in the author notes without stars in the text. If you were to print this novel, those would not be permitted in the narrative.
3.) From his bed, beneath the moonlight, he finds himself back in his bedroom looking
--> since he's in bed, we assume he's in his bedroom, so that info is redundant.
4.) Each action figure (lies) either face down, or on their backs...defeated.
--> this information makes no sense to me - these are really the only two options for the figures to fall.
It looks like one of the 'issues' you may have to watch for in your writing (we all have them! *smile* ) is the tendency to go overboard or a step too far in describing things. Be sure you respect the reader's intelligence.
Thanks - hope this helps!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Well noted. Thank you. I'm just a writer by hobby, and I've been told that I tend to over describe at times. I appreciate your honesty and time to correct my mistakes. Yes. This certainly helps. Most reviews, I can tell, are written for the site credit. However, your kind of reviews are actually what makes my writing work. Thank you again.!
-
You are so welcome. We have to help each other grow!
Comment from apky
This was an enjoyable read and well written. I've made a couple of suggestions below, which you may apply or discard as you wish.
calm his nerves to what reality he may had(have) lost this night, and what fantasy he may had(have) just survived.
He slowly drifts (back to sleep,) (delete-asleep; drift denotes motion, so you drift to something or away from something. If you want to definitely use the word asleep, then use "fall" instead of "drift") unaware the doors of darkness had just opened, and his journey back into the light was just beginning.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
|
This was an enjoyable read and well written. I've made a couple of suggestions below, which you may apply or discard as you wish.
calm his nerves to what reality he may had(have) lost this night, and what fantasy he may had(have) just survived.
He slowly drifts (back to sleep,) (delete-asleep; drift denotes motion, so you drift to something or away from something. If you want to definitely use the word asleep, then use "fall" instead of "drift") unaware the doors of darkness had just opened, and his journey back into the light was just beginning.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your kind and generous rating. Your kind of reviews are both encouraging and very helpful for me to strengthen my story for future plans. Much appreciated and very welcomed. Thank you again.
