Across The Silver Flow
A tip of my hat to my ancestral homes with nostalgic love.29 total reviews
Comment from evesayshi
In my opinion, although this was indeed a beautiful write, this amazing poem has some uneven spots, which was a surprise, because I have not encountered them in any of his previous works. Of course, this writer is so very capable of correcting them, by reading the work aloud several times, and I will say no more in this regard...
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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In my opinion, although this was indeed a beautiful write, this amazing poem has some uneven spots, which was a surprise, because I have not encountered them in any of his previous works. Of course, this writer is so very capable of correcting them, by reading the work aloud several times, and I will say no more in this regard...
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Hi evesayshi. I just reread the poem twice and I must admit I can't find the uneven spot you mention, If you would let me know the lines that are uneven I will do my best to correct them. I can't correct it if I don't see it so your assistance would
be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much eyesayshi. tom
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I am so reluctant to do this, Tom - you are such a gifted writer, that I feel really frustrated you would ask this of me. In my opinion, the uneven spots occur in the two lines that follow the stanzas. If you didn't intend them to rhyme as the stanzas do, sorry for my offense, but please, just remember to realize this only one person's opinion, mine, which I always qualify - with your permission:
1. No Nightingale ever pined as sweet
Nor laid such beauty at my feet.
2. Nor can it shine as healing light
to chase the darkness from my night.
3. She sings in Gaelic lost to me
Her perfect pitch heaven's melody.
4. She sees me standing here amiss
Then smiles and throws me one sweet kiss...
I explained I didn't want to do this - again, just my opinion...Eve
1.
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Hi Eve. I've been on this site totally for almost seven years and I have made many of my posts better because of the observations of the reviewer. I misunderstood your review but when you replied to my request for clarification I got it.
In my notes I explained that the stanzas were written in iambic tetrameter which is eight syllables per line. The couplets that follow each stanza are written in iambic pentameter which has ten syllables per line. I found a couplet that actually had only eight syllables and I corrected the error. Now here are the corrections to the four examples you listed. If it seems off don't hesitate to let me know because like I said the reviewer often picks up what the writer doesn't.
1.
No Nightingale has ever pined as sweet
Or made me feel so wondrously complete.
2.
Nor can it shine as bright a healing light
That makes me feel my burdens taking flight.
3.
She sings in Highland Gaelic, lost to me,
But not the beauty of the melody.
4.
She sees me standing here a bit amiss,
Then smiles and throws me one sweet blissful kiss.
You indicated the couplets didn't rhyme. Here are the rhyming words for all four couplets.
1. sweet and complete
2. light and flight
3. me and melody
4. miss and kiss
Thanks Eve your review has made the poem a better poem. The system works for those who utilize it and benefit from it. Thanks
Eve. tom
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My Dear Tom,
I am really reluctant to continue this, because you have your opinion, and I have mine, and it appears we do not agree. Please remember, my review is only MY opinion. I spoke about rhyme. I actually did not explain myself well - I meant rhythm, which to me is really the same thing, because if the rhythm is uneven, it directly affects the rhyming - it throws it off, as it does in your two line "couplings."
I certainly am humbled by the fact you would consider my opinion worth your time or concern, but, sorry, the current results are the same as the other writings to me.
View it this way - the lines should have a sing/song sound when spoken aloud - that is the best I can offer - again, only because you asked, otherwise I would NEVER suggest anything more, especially to you, whom I consider a rare talent:
1. Delete word, "has," - 1st line,
2. "That I can feel my burdens taking flight."
3. "She sings in Gaelic, lost to me,"
4. Delete word, "here," - 1st line,
"Then smiles and throws me one sweet kiss," OR, "Then smiles and throws me one blissful
kiss."
As I said a bit earlier in this reply, if read aloud, you can easily hear the "sing/song" rhythm yourself, as you apparently can with your stanzas, so I really am confused by your questions or comments. I have no other suggestions, since I already feel I have been more than impertinent in the advice I offered. I have no further comment in regard to my review of this piece, Tom - sorry to be so definitive - hope this explains my suggestions and position satisfactorily...Eve
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Tom, what a beautiful poem. Tetrameter and Pentameter stanzas are perfect in both content and meter. Your second pentameter couplet - 'To chase theg dreaded darkness from my night.' - drop the 'g' on the word 'the'. A very lovely read. Amusing author notes - of course I don't believe a word of it. Warm regards Dorothy
ps. I wish I had a six left - you'd have been given it!
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Hi Tom, what a beautiful poem. Tetrameter and Pentameter stanzas are perfect in both content and meter. Your second pentameter couplet - 'To chase theg dreaded darkness from my night.' - drop the 'g' on the word 'the'. A very lovely read. Amusing author notes - of course I don't believe a word of it. Warm regards Dorothy
ps. I wish I had a six left - you'd have been given it!
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from jaded831
Sounds like you had a memorable day. I enjoyed your poem, it made me feel I was on your romantic quest. Your beautiful wording painted a picture. Your author's notes made me laugh. Could use a picture. Other than that great presentation.
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Sounds like you had a memorable day. I enjoyed your poem, it made me feel I was on your romantic quest. Your beautiful wording painted a picture. Your author's notes made me laugh. Could use a picture. Other than that great presentation.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from RodG
It's fun to read this love-smitten lad's words aloud because of the many poetic devices used to suggest her "voice" calling him. I especially like your use of alliteration throughout and the allusion to those Sirens. The mixture of tetrameter and pentameter also adds to the audio charm of this poem.
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It's fun to read this love-smitten lad's words aloud because of the many poetic devices used to suggest her "voice" calling him. I especially like your use of alliteration throughout and the allusion to those Sirens. The mixture of tetrameter and pentameter also adds to the audio charm of this poem.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from royowen
i rather like mixing the meter, because it can work like verse/chorus/ bridge in song lyrics, a subtle Change in time. I remember my daughter came-a-cropper near Loch Lomond, while riding...bruised but ok. Beautifully written, difficult to swing meters. And maintain time, well done, Tom, excellent work, blessings, Roy
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i rather like mixing the meter, because it can work like verse/chorus/ bridge in song lyrics, a subtle Change in time. I remember my daughter came-a-cropper near Loch Lomond, while riding...bruised but ok. Beautifully written, difficult to swing meters. And maintain time, well done, Tom, excellent work, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from Dean Kuch
I gotta wonder, Tom.
What would you have done with her if you'd caught her?
Your poem is very well composed and features good rhyming in an a,a,b,b c,c d,d,e,e; etcetera rhyme scheme. Presented in four rhymed quatrains, each accompanied by a mono-rhymed couplet. It has a surreal, mystical quality about it.
I very much enjoyed the read...
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I gotta wonder, Tom.
What would you have done with her if you'd caught her?
Your poem is very well composed and features good rhyming in an a,a,b,b c,c d,d,e,e; etcetera rhyme scheme. Presented in four rhymed quatrains, each accompanied by a mono-rhymed couplet. It has a surreal, mystical quality about it.
I very much enjoyed the read...
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem. Some things are not meant to happen and everything will work together to stop us when we try to get what is not meant for us. We waste energy and a lot of time instead of accepting it is not meant to be.
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A very well-written poem. Some things are not meant to happen and everything will work together to stop us when we try to get what is not meant for us. We waste energy and a lot of time instead of accepting it is not meant to be.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from kiwisteveh
Interesting structure with the tetrameter quatrains interspersed with pentameter rhyming couplets...
Your poem reminds me strongly of Wordsworth's 'The Solitary Reaper'. here too the poet hears a girl singing a melancholy and plaintive song and is enchanted, although he cannot understand the words (almost certainly Gaelic as well). Of course Wordsworth doesn't get blown a kiss by his 'solitary Highland lass'.
Typos in 'the dreaded darkness' and 'a bit amiss'.
Steve
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Interesting structure with the tetrameter quatrains interspersed with pentameter rhyming couplets...
Your poem reminds me strongly of Wordsworth's 'The Solitary Reaper'. here too the poet hears a girl singing a melancholy and plaintive song and is enchanted, although he cannot understand the words (almost certainly Gaelic as well). Of course Wordsworth doesn't get blown a kiss by his 'solitary Highland lass'.
Typos in 'the dreaded darkness' and 'a bit amiss'.
Steve
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your notes made me laugh, but your beautiful poem flowed so easily with perfect rhymes as if it was floating on air. You are a very talented poet and your work is a joy to read, when I see your name I know I am in for a treat, I wish I had a six as this is superb writing, love Dolly x
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Your notes made me laugh, but your beautiful poem flowed so easily with perfect rhymes as if it was floating on air. You are a very talented poet and your work is a joy to read, when I see your name I know I am in for a treat, I wish I had a six as this is superb writing, love Dolly x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2017
