Natural Light
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Wanderlust"contemporary poetry
13 total reviews
Comment from B.B. Rose
You have done some fine things here -- nicely rhymic lines done through your carefully placed (not too overdone) repetitions. I particularly liked the streams that meander and meander. Good stuff. I do have a some suggestions, however. Perhaps spend more time polishing and getting rid of excess words that do not add anything, and, in fact, often take away from the reader's pleasure. Poetry is about concision. For example in your four first lines, look how many prepostions and adverbs you use. Here's where just some of them have been removed. Always try to focus on nouns and verbs rather than helper words..."
Look for the roads that run off the borders of maps...(a great first line made better.)
And into the distant, beckoning mountains. (you also need a period here)
And look for the trails jutting away from well-used roads
That lead to places you only imagined in your dreams....
And (IMHO -- in my haughty opinion) you would gain some magic if you just have your restless birds springing into flight. Who cares about where they sprang from. The image of them launching into the air is what is important. Let the reader see them there in mid-air in their reading minds.
Also, at midpoint 'you' the narrator suddenly, without explanation, becomes 'we'....That was jarring. You need some kind of transposition if you are going to bring in someone else beside the narrator. Hope this is useful for your consideration. B.B. Rose
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017
  |
You have done some fine things here -- nicely rhymic lines done through your carefully placed (not too overdone) repetitions. I particularly liked the streams that meander and meander. Good stuff. I do have a some suggestions, however. Perhaps spend more time polishing and getting rid of excess words that do not add anything, and, in fact, often take away from the reader's pleasure. Poetry is about concision. For example in your four first lines, look how many prepostions and adverbs you use. Here's where just some of them have been removed. Always try to focus on nouns and verbs rather than helper words..."
Look for the roads that run off the borders of maps...(a great first line made better.)
And into the distant, beckoning mountains. (you also need a period here)
And look for the trails jutting away from well-used roads
That lead to places you only imagined in your dreams....
And (IMHO -- in my haughty opinion) you would gain some magic if you just have your restless birds springing into flight. Who cares about where they sprang from. The image of them launching into the air is what is important. Let the reader see them there in mid-air in their reading minds.
Also, at midpoint 'you' the narrator suddenly, without explanation, becomes 'we'....That was jarring. You need some kind of transposition if you are going to bring in someone else beside the narrator. Hope this is useful for your consideration. B.B. Rose
Comment Written 31-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017
-
Thanks for the excellent review and for your wonderful comments and suggestions. I think I will change the pov to make it more concise. It could probably be tightened up a bit, I am always paring and trimming and tightening the music and imagery, but my first criteria is the music. it has to make sense musically. estory
Comment from GracieAnn
E,
I enjoyed the unique approach to renew and reframe the favorite, "The Road Less Traveled". I was so there in your well expressed wanderings. Not a conformist and that is the spirit of this poem. Nicely penned. :0 GracieAnn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017
|
E,
I enjoyed the unique approach to renew and reframe the favorite, "The Road Less Traveled". I was so there in your well expressed wanderings. Not a conformist and that is the spirit of this poem. Nicely penned. :0 GracieAnn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017
-
Thanks for the excellent review and for all your wonderful comments supporting this poem Glad you enjoyed the spirit of the outdoors. this is the time of year for it! estory
Comment from Cybertron1986
A very vivid expression and description of the diverse adventures that are out there. It brings about a feel to almost be engrossed and enthralled to the sights of fields, mountains, prairies, and sky. Makes me feel regretful that I've missed out on experiencing this.
Beautifully presented and creatively voiced. Thank you
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017
|
A very vivid expression and description of the diverse adventures that are out there. It brings about a feel to almost be engrossed and enthralled to the sights of fields, mountains, prairies, and sky. Makes me feel regretful that I've missed out on experiencing this.
Beautifully presented and creatively voiced. Thank you
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017
-
Thanks so much for the excellent review and for all your comments supporting the piece, and hope it inspires you to take to the roads and paths and get out into the freedom of the outdoors! estory
