Fitness Center
Mitchell has a problem with a member.34 total reviews
Comment from trumby
I'm a small bloke, but I come from a family with definite pugilistic interests. (Translation- We like a bit of biffo)
It's got me confused. Why'd the big bloke leave?
I really hate blokes that are full of mouth when they think that they can bluff me out. Then, when I belt them in the mouth, they try to charge me with assault.
My attitude is- I don't bluff- and I don't back down.
If this wanker said this to me, I'd immediately ask him outside to talk about it.
Try to make your stories a bit more realistic please.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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I'm a small bloke, but I come from a family with definite pugilistic interests. (Translation- We like a bit of biffo)
It's got me confused. Why'd the big bloke leave?
I really hate blokes that are full of mouth when they think that they can bluff me out. Then, when I belt them in the mouth, they try to charge me with assault.
My attitude is- I don't bluff- and I don't back down.
If this wanker said this to me, I'd immediately ask him outside to talk about it.
Try to make your stories a bit more realistic please.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Thanks, for reading, trumby.
Phillip
Comment from robyn corum
Ouch.
Looks like a big problem brewing. Yuck. Wonder why men have to do this. Can you explain it to me?? It kinda reminds me of a dog urinating on a car tire parked in a driveway... 'this is MY driveway. If this car is here, I have to mark it...'.
Such a guy/pride/macho/show off thing. Ugh.
But -- I look forward to seeing what happens!! Haha!!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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Ouch.
Looks like a big problem brewing. Yuck. Wonder why men have to do this. Can you explain it to me?? It kinda reminds me of a dog urinating on a car tire parked in a driveway... 'this is MY driveway. If this car is here, I have to mark it...'.
Such a guy/pride/macho/show off thing. Ugh.
But -- I look forward to seeing what happens!! Haha!!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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Me too, Robyn. I have so much to do, re-do and need to do that I look forward to them. The problem is, can I write that fast? If I can only catch up with projects I promised, I would feel my writing has improved. It is a slow process to get better. Getting organized comes with improvement, I hope.
Phillip
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Sometimes those who appear fit and muscular don't have the personality to go with it and are full of hot air, but think of themselves as strong and powerful. Mitchell soon put him in his place. I've never seen a fight in a gym in all the years I have been going and usually there is a mutual respect for those who work hard and you can't tell how fit someone is by looking at them. I enjoyed your realistic dialogue, although it is a little Americanised! But that's okay! I liked it! I wish I had a six left as it deserves one! Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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Sometimes those who appear fit and muscular don't have the personality to go with it and are full of hot air, but think of themselves as strong and powerful. Mitchell soon put him in his place. I've never seen a fight in a gym in all the years I have been going and usually there is a mutual respect for those who work hard and you can't tell how fit someone is by looking at them. I enjoyed your realistic dialogue, although it is a little Americanised! But that's okay! I liked it! I wish I had a six left as it deserves one! Love Dolly x
Comment Written 20-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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Thanks, Dolly. I also have had a gym membership for years now. I've never seen anything such as this but I want my fiction to seem real-- even though some readers can't accept my ideas. Thanks for the encouragement, Dolly.
Phillip
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Phillip;
This sounds like it could be a good story. My only notes for you are to find a way to eliminate the numerous times you refer to the antagonist as 'the balding bodybuilder.'
Looking forward to seeing the rest of your exercises for the club,
~patty~
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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Hi, Phillip;
This sounds like it could be a good story. My only notes for you are to find a way to eliminate the numerous times you refer to the antagonist as 'the balding bodybuilder.'
Looking forward to seeing the rest of your exercises for the club,
~patty~
Comment Written 20-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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You are the third to say that. Actually, I never do that on long pieces, so obviously, I've learned on this one. I appreciate this learned advice. I hope to do better as I go forward, Patty. I kinda didn't feel right adding that many balding.
Phillip
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You're welcome. I think we will all learn a great deal from these exercises. I struggled with writing the opening of a story I hadn't written yet. (I had no idea where I was going.)
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I realize I have much to learn but hate repeating the same mistake, indicating that I don't understand.
Phillip
Comment from apky
Excellent write, Phillip.
Keep it up. Below are my suggestions.
As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily, (delete-a( (add-the to indicate it is still the same bodybuilder you just mentioned) balding bodybuilder gave him a fixed stare at his passing.
staring the (delete-balding, because you've used it often enough and repeating it yet again grates on the nerves of the reader) bodybuilder in the eyes at the foot of the treadmill.
He stepped down off the treadmill facing the (delete-balding) bodybuilder.
The (delete-balding) bodybuilder snarled, "What are you going to do(,) little man?"
"Back off(,) dirtbag."
The (delete-balding) (body)builder's eyes squeezed shut as he darted away.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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Excellent write, Phillip.
Keep it up. Below are my suggestions.
As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily, (delete-a( (add-the to indicate it is still the same bodybuilder you just mentioned) balding bodybuilder gave him a fixed stare at his passing.
staring the (delete-balding, because you've used it often enough and repeating it yet again grates on the nerves of the reader) bodybuilder in the eyes at the foot of the treadmill.
He stepped down off the treadmill facing the (delete-balding) bodybuilder.
The (delete-balding) bodybuilder snarled, "What are you going to do(,) little man?"
"Back off(,) dirtbag."
The (delete-balding) (body)builder's eyes squeezed shut as he darted away.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
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If I delete everything, I won't have my word count limit of 150 words and story. I generally like changing repeated words to other words on longer pieces. I thought this might be acceptable but maybe I'm wrong. You are not the first to make the suggestion. Thanks for reading, apky. Surely, I have something to think about as I go forward.
Phillip
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How about some hyphenated words like thinning-haired, receding-haired, Phillip? A hyphenated word counts as one word.
Comment from GWinterwin
Good beginning to a story, sounds like trouble brewing. Interesting enough to keep the readers mind wandering what is coming next. Good description of the men being sweaty and so forth from their work out. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Good beginning to a story, sounds like trouble brewing. Interesting enough to keep the readers mind wandering what is coming next. Good description of the men being sweaty and so forth from their work out. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, GWinterwin.
Phillip
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
going to do(,) little man
Very well done with the twist at the end showing that the old guy was not going to be intimidated and back down
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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going to do(,) little man
Very well done with the twist at the end showing that the old guy was not going to be intimidated and back down
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thanks, Barb.
Phillip
Comment from Gloria ....
Hey, great to be in the prose club with you. The gym is always a terrific setting for getting into some squabbles with the muscle. The one I noticed is you've used the phrase balding bodybuilder seven times. You will want to spice up the language by using different adjectives, or perhaps even giving him a name or something.
Anyway great job. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Gloria
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Hey, great to be in the prose club with you. The gym is always a terrific setting for getting into some squabbles with the muscle. The one I noticed is you've used the phrase balding bodybuilder seven times. You will want to spice up the language by using different adjectives, or perhaps even giving him a name or something.
Anyway great job. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Gloria
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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You are absolutely right, gloria...Since I had a limit of 150 words, I will count this as a lesson learned and do differently in the future.
Phillip
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We're here to help each other, Phillip. I'm pleased to meet you.
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I'm pleased to me you as well, Gloria.
Phillip
Comment from lyenochka
Was it the Bodybuilder who left? ("The balding builder's eyes squeezed shut as he darted away.") I wasn't quite sure as they are both 'he." I like that Mitchell could show off his hair and so that gave him a "leg up" so to speak on Baldy.
Since you have only two characters and that the other guy is "balding bodybuilder," I would make up some humorous moniker for the annoying guy so that you don't have to keep writing that long description. That way, you could also shave off a few words. I'm sure you could come with some funnier ones like Cue Ball , Mr. Melon Head, Mr. Clean etc etc
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Was it the Bodybuilder who left? ("The balding builder's eyes squeezed shut as he darted away.") I wasn't quite sure as they are both 'he." I like that Mitchell could show off his hair and so that gave him a "leg up" so to speak on Baldy.
Since you have only two characters and that the other guy is "balding bodybuilder," I would make up some humorous moniker for the annoying guy so that you don't have to keep writing that long description. That way, you could also shave off a few words. I'm sure you could come with some funnier ones like Cue Ball , Mr. Melon Head, Mr. Clean etc etc
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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You are absolutely right. I usually do that on the longer stories. Here, I have a 150 words limit. Thanks, lyenochka.
Phillip
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello pbomar1115
I liked how Mitchell hesitated to big Bully how as he
flipped his head back, running his hand through his hair and barked, "Back off dirt bag"
In other words I'm no Flash in the pan (even if I'm small)
Gert
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Hello pbomar1115
I liked how Mitchell hesitated to big Bully how as he
flipped his head back, running his hand through his hair and barked, "Back off dirt bag"
In other words I'm no Flash in the pan (even if I'm small)
Gert
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thanks, Gert.
Phillip
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You are welcome Philip
Gert
