Red & Blue
A dangerous liaison.16 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
Hello Maria,
I came to your profile page to find a post to read and review. I picked this one because it is a contest winner. Congratulations on taking first place! I enjoyed this story. I could picture the characters from your fine descriptions of them. I'm a little lost at the end of what Mina's other career is and why Steve has to go. I wished you could make that a little more clear for slow folks like me. I love the name Mina.
Sincerely Joy xx
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
  |
Hello Maria,
I came to your profile page to find a post to read and review. I picked this one because it is a contest winner. Congratulations on taking first place! I enjoyed this story. I could picture the characters from your fine descriptions of them. I'm a little lost at the end of what Mina's other career is and why Steve has to go. I wished you could make that a little more clear for slow folks like me. I love the name Mina.
Sincerely Joy xx
Comment Written 18-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
-
Hi Joy,
You're not slow, I'm sure about that.
Mina is a hit woman and Steve wants her to kill his wife. I made it slightly obscure on purpose.
Thanks for reading.
-
Ohhhhh, I never would have guessed that. Thanks for filling me in :)
Comment from damommy
So Mina's a hit man . . . woman. He wants her to kill Willow? What a guy. And Mina probably thinks he'll marry her. I'd run like the wind. If he'd have one wife killed, why not another.
Interesting story.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017
|
So Mina's a hit man . . . woman. He wants her to kill Willow? What a guy. And Mina probably thinks he'll marry her. I'd run like the wind. If he'd have one wife killed, why not another.
Interesting story.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017
-
Yeah, she's a hit woman, but she doesn't want to marry the guy. She's planning to kill him as well. :)
Comment from LIJ Red
Since much of the world uses single quotes I won't even go there. The choice of words, and metaphors, are sound and the piece reads smoothly. Fivers, I'd say.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
|
Since much of the world uses single quotes I won't even go there. The choice of words, and metaphors, are sound and the piece reads smoothly. Fivers, I'd say.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
-
I prefer single quotes, sorry. I'm so used to them that I can't even think of using the other ones.
Thanks for reading.
Comment from cupa tea
okay, If I've got this correctly he has asked her to kill his wife, Willow. I'm assuming after that he plans to marry her.
Lots of things left unsaid for the reader to figure out on their own. Which doesn't brother me at all. I liked the way you write, and I enjoyed the story. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
|
okay, If I've got this correctly he has asked her to kill his wife, Willow. I'm assuming after that he plans to marry her.
Lots of things left unsaid for the reader to figure out on their own. Which doesn't brother me at all. I liked the way you write, and I enjoyed the story. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 23-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
-
You understood perfectly. :)
Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Comment from teols2016
Well, well. Everyone's got murder on the brain. I'll definitely have to know more. You reveal things at a great pace, keeping readers hooked until the very end and beyond. Well done and good luck.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
|
Well, well. Everyone's got murder on the brain. I'll definitely have to know more. You reveal things at a great pace, keeping readers hooked until the very end and beyond. Well done and good luck.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading.
Comment from nor84
Good one. I'm thinking that she has a sideline as an assassin. Good luck in the contest. Someone, likely someone British, told me a long time ago that 'sir' is capitalized only when it pertains to royalty. Don't know whether or not that's true, but I thought I'd mention it.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
|
Good one. I'm thinking that she has a sideline as an assassin. Good luck in the contest. Someone, likely someone British, told me a long time ago that 'sir' is capitalized only when it pertains to royalty. Don't know whether or not that's true, but I thought I'd mention it.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
-
You're right about the sir thing. I'll correct it now.
Thanks for reading.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Good morning, Maria: What an interesting and very well written story but now I am extremely curious as to what it is that she does? What job could she have that would cause him to ask her to take care of his daughter? I can't even guess at this one. Are we just to conclude? Will you be writing a part two of this story?
You really have shown your real talents in this story. I mean, I knew that you could write but this story is amazingly excellent. I will be looking for the continuation of this. Great job! I'm sorry but I am out of sixes.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
|
Good morning, Maria: What an interesting and very well written story but now I am extremely curious as to what it is that she does? What job could she have that would cause him to ask her to take care of his daughter? I can't even guess at this one. Are we just to conclude? Will you be writing a part two of this story?
You really have shown your real talents in this story. I mean, I knew that you could write but this story is amazingly excellent. I will be looking for the continuation of this. Great job! I'm sorry but I am out of sixes.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
-
There's no continuation, Tier. It's a short story for one of the clubs.
Willow is not the daughter, she is the wife and Steve is using 'take care of' euphemistically. He means to kill.
That's why Mina decides to kill him instead, because he knows she's a hit woman.
Thanks so much for your very supportive review.
-
Wow! I did not see this at all in that story. Oh my goodness. This is awful! What a great story but you must try to make that part just a little clearer. I thought she was a Child Care Provider or something. I guess I needed to go back to re-read it better. I'm so sorry I missed the point but it is an exceptional story line. Wonderful!
Comment from BeasPeas
Scene setting is very good. I wasn't sure what direction the story was going to take. I read the ending a couple of times to mull over the possibilities. I came to the conclusion she was going to kill him and not his wife, as perhaps he was hoping she would do. Your story held my interest all the way through.
Typo here: "'You are. But when when (omit second "when") one is driven there's always a way."
Marilyn
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
|
Scene setting is very good. I wasn't sure what direction the story was going to take. I read the ending a couple of times to mull over the possibilities. I came to the conclusion she was going to kill him and not his wife, as perhaps he was hoping she would do. Your story held my interest all the way through.
Typo here: "'You are. But when when (omit second "when") one is driven there's always a way."
Marilyn
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading and for noticing the typo.
And you're right. She's going to kill the guy.
Comment from Angela VA
I found this story to be quite intriguing and I wished for more. You kept the tension going and brought in a twist, followed by another twist.
Third paragraph: You used the word "rumor" but it doesn't fit. Did you mean "murmur?"
I enjoyed it thoroughly.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
|
I found this story to be quite intriguing and I wished for more. You kept the tension going and brought in a twist, followed by another twist.
Third paragraph: You used the word "rumor" but it doesn't fit. Did you mean "murmur?"
I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for noticing. I did mean murmur. I've already corrected it.
And thanks for reading.
Comment from robyn corum
MJ,
I hope you'll pardon me for saying this, but I'm thinking that this piece MAY be one of the best prose pieces I've seen from you so far. I could be wrong... but that's what I'm thinking at the moment, anyway.
Nice job of scene-setting. I could picture it all. The only thing I kinda had a problem with was the 'quaint' description of her dress. That just made me think of 'old-fashioned'.
Here are a few other notes:
1.) When she walked into the Les Rochelles, the new French restaurant next to Macy's, the rumor of a dozen conversations floating up the air like plumes of smoke descended to almost total silence.
--> this sentence seemed kind of tortured and wordy to me. I would edit heavily. Something like:
--> When she strolled into Les Rochelles, the new French restaurant next to Macy's, the dozens of ongoing conversations
suddenly decreased to almost total silence.
--> the other is very flowery but hard to follow. It actually STOPS the readers 'flow' as we try to figure out what you're saying. Anything that stops the flow is a BAD thing.
2.) caused Steve's back to stiffen imperceptibly
--> caused Steve to stiffen imperceptibly
3.) in pepper sauce. Well done, please(,') Steve told him.
4.) She was a wild creature and closed spaces made her feel restless.
--> this is an awesome insight into your character!! Great job!
5.) She couldn't risk (being) exposed
Great job!!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
|
MJ,
I hope you'll pardon me for saying this, but I'm thinking that this piece MAY be one of the best prose pieces I've seen from you so far. I could be wrong... but that's what I'm thinking at the moment, anyway.
Nice job of scene-setting. I could picture it all. The only thing I kinda had a problem with was the 'quaint' description of her dress. That just made me think of 'old-fashioned'.
Here are a few other notes:
1.) When she walked into the Les Rochelles, the new French restaurant next to Macy's, the rumor of a dozen conversations floating up the air like plumes of smoke descended to almost total silence.
--> this sentence seemed kind of tortured and wordy to me. I would edit heavily. Something like:
--> When she strolled into Les Rochelles, the new French restaurant next to Macy's, the dozens of ongoing conversations
suddenly decreased to almost total silence.
--> the other is very flowery but hard to follow. It actually STOPS the readers 'flow' as we try to figure out what you're saying. Anything that stops the flow is a BAD thing.
2.) caused Steve's back to stiffen imperceptibly
--> caused Steve to stiffen imperceptibly
3.) in pepper sauce. Well done, please(,') Steve told him.
4.) She was a wild creature and closed spaces made her feel restless.
--> this is an awesome insight into your character!! Great job!
5.) She couldn't risk (being) exposed
Great job!!
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading, Robyn, and for noticing the missing comma and the horrible 'to be' after risk.
