This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Veronica and Joe Start to Talk"Veronica is sent back again
31 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Nice characterization and well paced dialog int his chapter. Drew me in and held my attention (in spite of having some intense fatigue at the moment...I'm heading for a nap, but was able to focus and review this anyway, which says much about the quality of your writing. :-))) That's a compliment, by the way - not sure if I made it clear!)
SPAG NOTES:
* Daveth looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Cliche simile. Suggest freshening it up with a more specific detail. Example:
Daveth looked as though he was carrying a mountain of bricks on his shoulders.
* The Sir John I'd met a hundred years from now had been a ruthless bastard,(;) I hope this one isn't.
*
"I think you already have(,) in a way, Daveth," I told him.
*
Daveth looked up, and(,) seeing the hard set of his father's jaw, decided(appeared to decide) I was right.
I felt quite sorry for him. None of this was of his making. (ADD LINE BREAK) "On top of that, Rosie tells me I'm in big trouble up at the Manor, and we might all be kicked outta the house.(,)" he continued miserably. "What the hell am I t'do?"
*
"For a start, you can stop feeling so hard done by,(no ,) and tell me your version of what happened to make Sir John so cross with you.
*
"I know what it's about," he said quietly.
Best to avoid using speech tag and adverb. ideal to choose a stronger verb. Example:
"I know what it's about," he murmured.
*Joe hesitated,(.) I could see the sweat prickling his forehead, even in this cold air.
I always enjoy your chapters! Time travel is one of my favorite flavors...
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Nice characterization and well paced dialog int his chapter. Drew me in and held my attention (in spite of having some intense fatigue at the moment...I'm heading for a nap, but was able to focus and review this anyway, which says much about the quality of your writing. :-))) That's a compliment, by the way - not sure if I made it clear!)
SPAG NOTES:
* Daveth looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Cliche simile. Suggest freshening it up with a more specific detail. Example:
Daveth looked as though he was carrying a mountain of bricks on his shoulders.
* The Sir John I'd met a hundred years from now had been a ruthless bastard,(;) I hope this one isn't.
*
"I think you already have(,) in a way, Daveth," I told him.
*
Daveth looked up, and(,) seeing the hard set of his father's jaw, decided(appeared to decide) I was right.
I felt quite sorry for him. None of this was of his making. (ADD LINE BREAK) "On top of that, Rosie tells me I'm in big trouble up at the Manor, and we might all be kicked outta the house.(,)" he continued miserably. "What the hell am I t'do?"
*
"For a start, you can stop feeling so hard done by,(no ,) and tell me your version of what happened to make Sir John so cross with you.
*
"I know what it's about," he said quietly.
Best to avoid using speech tag and adverb. ideal to choose a stronger verb. Example:
"I know what it's about," he murmured.
*Joe hesitated,(.) I could see the sweat prickling his forehead, even in this cold air.
I always enjoy your chapters! Time travel is one of my favorite flavors...
Love,
rd
Comment Written 11-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Bless you, Rama. I've made all the corrections and used your suggestion with the mountain of bricks! Excellent! Thank you so much, my friend, I really appreciate your input. Big hugs. :) Sandra xxx
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Big hugs back! ;-))))) xxooo
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Sandra
= You're getting very, very good at leaving the reader with a great end hook.
= Poor Joe, he's got his problems, and apparently getting worse.
= Excellent chapter, my friend. Enjoyed the read.
Cheers, J (*<*)
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Hi, Sandra
= You're getting very, very good at leaving the reader with a great end hook.
= Poor Joe, he's got his problems, and apparently getting worse.
= Excellent chapter, my friend. Enjoyed the read.
Cheers, J (*<*)
Comment Written 11-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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What a lovely thing to say, thank you, Jackie. I'm really happy that you enjoyed this part. Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxxx
Comment from MTF1955
I just love this story. The dialogue and the accents are just wonderful. And now we're left hanging till the next post. Just a fantastic chapter. Mary
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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I just love this story. The dialogue and the accents are just wonderful. And now we're left hanging till the next post. Just a fantastic chapter. Mary
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for the wonderful 6 stars and wonderful comments for this part, Mary! I'm really chuffed you like it! Big hugs, my friend. xx Sandra xxx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is another great hook. You have me totally looked and we're getting to the real meat of the story. LOL I can't wait until it all comes together any mine and Veronica's questions get answered.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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This is another great hook. You have me totally looked and we're getting to the real meat of the story. LOL I can't wait until it all comes together any mine and Veronica's questions get answered.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Yes, it's all going to take off now. But, will it be easy for Veronica to sort out?? Hmmmm. LOL Thank you so very much, my friend, for all your lovely support. Big hugs! Sandra xxxx
Comment from royowen
Poor Joe spotted young France's obviously, and his prize will be dismissal from the farm, his livelihood, his home, and his family's comfort will be their prize. Veronica has obviously worked out that she's being "controlled" but hasn't met her controllers yet, I suppose she will in the fullness of time? Excellent writing as usual, Sandra, exciting things are afoot at the moment, fabulous writing, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Poor Joe spotted young France's obviously, and his prize will be dismissal from the farm, his livelihood, his home, and his family's comfort will be their prize. Veronica has obviously worked out that she's being "controlled" but hasn't met her controllers yet, I suppose she will in the fullness of time? Excellent writing as usual, Sandra, exciting things are afoot at the moment, fabulous writing, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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You really have taken this in, Roy, that is so encouraging. Yes, you are absolutely right, Joe did see Frances, and now Veronica has to sort things out. Frances' future and Joe and his family, are dependent on how she handles things. Thank you so very much for your really lovely review, my dear friend. Big hugs, and much love. Sandra xxxx
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Well done dear friend
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, Sandra, this is a well-written chapter. If a person can go back into the past, then surely they can go into the future too? One would think so but it's not easy to do when you're not sure what the exact triggers are for the time travel.
Everything read all calm and smooth until ...
His face twisted as he tried to force the words out. "I saw ... it were the Devil's spawn ... I be lookin' inta the fire of hell, and it were looking straight back at me!"
Yikes! Now I have to wait and see.
Nicole
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Hi, Sandra, this is a well-written chapter. If a person can go back into the past, then surely they can go into the future too? One would think so but it's not easy to do when you're not sure what the exact triggers are for the time travel.
Everything read all calm and smooth until ...
His face twisted as he tried to force the words out. "I saw ... it were the Devil's spawn ... I be lookin' inta the fire of hell, and it were looking straight back at me!"
Yikes! Now I have to wait and see.
Nicole
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
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Thank you so very much for the lovely 6 stars, Nicole, and the wonderful review! I'm way behind with my reviewing but will catch up. I'm trying to sort the first book in the series out to publish. I've never done this myself before so I'm really nervous. When I see how many of you who have done it loads of time, I can only think I'm dim! :( Thanks again, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from Ric Myworld
Us readers just never know what might happen next. Of course, I haven't forgotten about the chocolate, my biggest weakness in life, but I'm sure we'll get back around to that real soon. Thanks for sharing. :-)
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Us readers just never know what might happen next. Of course, I haven't forgotten about the chocolate, my biggest weakness in life, but I'm sure we'll get back around to that real soon. Thanks for sharing. :-)
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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My weakness too! Put me in a chocolate factory and you wouldn't see me again! LOL. Thank you so much, Ric, for your lovely review. Yes, the chocolate will be coming up soon. Big hugs, my friend. ) Sandra xx
Comment from Rasmine
Oh! He saw Sir John's albino son. This is getting really good.
I hope you are doing well. This is getting good!! Keep up the writing. I look forward to hearing the next chapter.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Oh! He saw Sir John's albino son. This is getting really good.
I hope you are doing well. This is getting good!! Keep up the writing. I look forward to hearing the next chapter.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thank you, Rasmine! Yes, he saw Frances. Poor child. LOL. Veronica's there, she'll sort it out. I hope!! Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxxx
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh he saw the boy, I bet it was an experience to those that back then did not realize there were kids like that. Like the ones with hair over all their bodies. But that is another story.lol
Excellently done
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Oh he saw the boy, I bet it was an experience to those that back then did not realize there were kids like that. Like the ones with hair over all their bodies. But that is another story.lol
Excellently done
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Hmm, hairy bodies? I shall have to do some research, what do you know that I don't, Barb?? LOL. Yes, Joe saw Frances, now she can begin to get to grips with what is going on. Next part already started. Thank you, my friend, for another lovely review. Big hugs, Sandra xxxx
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Sandra;
What on earth did he see in that window? Well, now I know I have to wait, and I totally understand how maddening it is to not have a book to just simply sit down and read. I think reading on FanStory is a bit like reading a story serialized in a magazine that only comes out every so often.
*sigh*
Looking forward to the next,
~patty~
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Hi, Sandra;
What on earth did he see in that window? Well, now I know I have to wait, and I totally understand how maddening it is to not have a book to just simply sit down and read. I think reading on FanStory is a bit like reading a story serialized in a magazine that only comes out every so often.
*sigh*
Looking forward to the next,
~patty~
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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It won't be long, Patty. I agree with you about the serials in the magazines, they can be so frustrating at times. I never really thought about it being like that on FS, but you're right. I'm just really pleased you are looking forward to the next part, that is always encouraging. Thank you, my friend, for this lovely review. Big hugs, Sandra. xx
