Comment from lyenochka

Exceptional

Really beautifully done, Patty! Thank you for sharing your friend's story. It just happens like that in life. So glad that they had those last years together.

A few minor things:
"they say.

I hope you understand, okay?" (not sure why there is a blank line here)

Tell me something though, what does Joey think about this?" (missing open quote)

He's going to stand up for Ron, and his little girls are going to be our flower girls." (because both Joey and Ron are male, the "his little girls" made me question whose little girls)

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi there;
thank you so much for remaining faithful to this saga, even when I didn't get the ending done in a timely manner. The open quote is missing on that line, because the same speaker, Patty, is talking. Open quotes are only required at the beginning of a new quote or person speaking in this context. There aren't any tags or anything to separate the lines, its just a new thought.

Thank you for the other suggestions. I made the changes in spacing, but I'm not sure how to change the sentence with Joey's girls. If I put in 'Joey's little girls,' the sentence doesn't flow. I will keep trying to keep up with something.

I truly appreciate the wonderful EXCEPTIONAL rating,

~patty~

reply by lyenochka on 09-Oct-2017

Maybe make it into two sentences? Like:
He's going to stand up for Ron. In fact, Joey's little girls are going to be our flower girls."
I think as a second sentence, you can use "he" and it won't refer the reader to Ron.

reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi;
I like the suggestion. I appreciate your help. Thank you

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

My heart goes out to you and Ron, of course, Joey too.

She let it go to voicemail because she didn't like to talk on the phone and drive. (omit 'on the phone' it's extra words, we know what she didn't want to talk on while she drives)

I just can't be there when the officiator asks everyone to support and uphold the couple, or whatever it is that they say.

I hope you understand, okay?" Patty's voice was wistful and a bit teary. (spacing issue)

With a heavy sigh, Patty tried to keep her voice even, and not show the anger she felt building inside of her. "I understand, my friend. Just give me a few days to think about this. Okay?"

Tell me something though, what does Joey think about this?" (You don't need the quotation mark after okay and there's another spacing issue.)

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi, Barbara;
thank you so much for staying true to the saga and sticking with it through the end. I greatly appreciate you pointing out the nits, it is very helpful.

I have made some of the edits, and I'm still working on the others.

Thank you for reviewing,
~patty~

Comment from doggymad

Excellent

Congratulations on finishing this one Patty. I can see now how difficult it must have been for you to relive those last months and weeks.


I am glad that Jenny found happiness if only for a brief while. She would be proud of you

hugs

Freda

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi, Freda;
thank you so much for following this saga through to the end. I appreciate your understanding about the time it took to finish the piece.

I appreciate your positive review,

~patty~

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written heartfelt sad story. We can only plan our ways, but God will decide when the time is right to grant our wishes. We can still be grateful even when it can only be for a short while.

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi, Sandra;
thank you so much for reading this rather lengthy post. I rarely post anything this long, but I wanted to finish the story, and not rush it.

I appreciate your comments,

~patty~

Comment from Agnes Card

Good

This is a very moving story and thank you for sharing it. Imagine many of us can relate to this phenomena of losing the one you love most, because of hurtful disagreements. I was happy that Jenny and Ron found the way to love each other in the end. It's really beautiful story and I think if you go into it in more detail and depth and draw out the story you have something very special going on. It sounds like it might be painful for you to do that but I hope the time will come when you can return to the story.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi, there;
I appreciate your time to review. Since you gave the piece a four-star rating, can I ask you what you would suggest for me to make it a five-star?

~patty~

reply by Agnes Card on 09-Oct-2017

Yes you have a very poignant story to tell, and I like the clarity of your writing, it was good in that I was able to follow the story very easily. The problem I had was that you haven?t drawn out the story in any great detail and the text reads like an outline, or a synopsis of a novel instead of a short story, but was that your intention?

reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

That was my intention. The readers here on FS will rarely read a piece longer than 1500 words. This is the first draft of my novel, which is to be greatly expanded. I already have a publisher interested, I just need to finish a good outline for them.

Thank you for getting back to me; can you re-review?

Comment from c_lucas

Exceptional

Love has no certain expiration date. It can last beyond the veil. This very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. There is very good imagery.

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi, Charlie;
thank you so much, my friend, for sticking with this story through to the end. I appreciate your kind words, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story,

~patty~
The sixth star is greatly appreciated

reply by c_lucas on 10-Oct-2017

You're welcome, Patty. Charlie

Comment from patcelaw

Exceptional

Patty, what a wonderful , loving thing you did by writing Jenny and Ron's love story. You I am sure had a most difficult time writing many parts of this story / I found your writing lovely. Patricia

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi, Patricia;
thank you so very much for your kind and loving review. I think there is so much of my heart in this story, I can't truly be objective about it. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your comments so much,

~patty~

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

Ohmy dear, the ending was absolutely the best and my tears are still flowing as I write this. You did absolutely the best for her in telling the story and my love and pride goes out to you and your love for a friend

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017

Hi Barb;
thank you for your kind review. I'm sorry I moved you to tears. It wasn't my writing, I believe, but the harsh reality of the story. I know I will miss my friend forever.

~patty~