Give Me A Raise
Napoleon is pressed by girlfriend to make more money.27 total reviews
Comment from Lucian Carter
A good piece, but perhaps overlong. I like your message. However, when you start getting into the details of his job, I tune out. Do we need to know he's doing more landscaping? The romance fades into the background into the minutia of his work. I think you could cut a lot out of this and have way more impact.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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A good piece, but perhaps overlong. I like your message. However, when you start getting into the details of his job, I tune out. Do we need to know he's doing more landscaping? The romance fades into the background into the minutia of his work. I think you could cut a lot out of this and have way more impact.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, Lucian Carter. Strangely, I've had the opposite view, suggesting to add more details. With respect, I can see each experienced suggestions clearly, but they put me at a standstill. I really appreciate the perspectives.
Phillip
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Do what feels right :)
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No, I will continue to learn what is right. Both are right, I think.
Phillip
Comment from SLMorrical
Very well written and as a working stiff myself I could relate to your character. Sometimes work can be so overwhelming you take the frustration home and it has an effect on people you live with and care about. There is a lesson to be learn with your story.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Very well written and as a working stiff myself I could relate to your character. Sometimes work can be so overwhelming you take the frustration home and it has an effect on people you live with and care about. There is a lesson to be learn with your story.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, slarson.
Phillip
Comment from c_lucas
Some times one does not know what they have until they almost lose it. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Some times one does not know what they have until they almost lose it. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thanks, c lucas.
Phillip
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You're welcome, Phillip.
Comment from Agnes Card
Immediately interesting dialogue and I like the name, Wanda
'became crossed' did you mean 'cross'?
note of humor 'it goes south on money matters' very droll!
Not sure what this sentence is referring to, 'he scrunched, decked out in a sombrero' is this Mr. Williams the neighbor, and the 'drenched jokester' is this Napoleon? I like the irony of his name by the way
This makes for an enjoyable read, needs more drama, everything works out too neatly for Napoleon, I think you should show us more of his inner feelings, and perhaps show us more of the struggle between him and Wanda - also show a bit more of the settings, what city, town, etc
Nice style though, good dialogue
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Immediately interesting dialogue and I like the name, Wanda
'became crossed' did you mean 'cross'?
note of humor 'it goes south on money matters' very droll!
Not sure what this sentence is referring to, 'he scrunched, decked out in a sombrero' is this Mr. Williams the neighbor, and the 'drenched jokester' is this Napoleon? I like the irony of his name by the way
This makes for an enjoyable read, needs more drama, everything works out too neatly for Napoleon, I think you should show us more of his inner feelings, and perhaps show us more of the struggle between him and Wanda - also show a bit more of the settings, what city, town, etc
Nice style though, good dialogue
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thanks. Agnes Card. I will make the change.
Phillip
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, Phillip.
I'm pleased this story had a happy ending.
He was over-thinking it all along. She was really happy with him as a person.
Money is a big issue though for most people.
Try to avoid mixing tenses: past / present. It's best to chose the tense you wish to write in right at the start of a story.
Example:
She placed a finger over his mouth before he said anything else[.] = PAST TENSE. " No, Dear. I was wrong." She understood = PAST TENSE since she is a teacher. IS = PRESENT TENSE.
Suggest:
She placed a finger over his mouth before he said anything else. "No, Dear, I was wrong." As a teacher, she understood.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Hi, Phillip.
I'm pleased this story had a happy ending.
He was over-thinking it all along. She was really happy with him as a person.
Money is a big issue though for most people.
Try to avoid mixing tenses: past / present. It's best to chose the tense you wish to write in right at the start of a story.
Example:
She placed a finger over his mouth before he said anything else[.] = PAST TENSE. " No, Dear. I was wrong." She understood = PAST TENSE since she is a teacher. IS = PRESENT TENSE.
Suggest:
She placed a finger over his mouth before he said anything else. "No, Dear, I was wrong." As a teacher, she understood.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thanks, Nicole.
Phillip
Comment from MTF1955
Another nice story. This sentence:, but love is also( is) an enormous pain in the ass since it goes south on money matters. Look forward to more. Mary
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Another nice story. This sentence:, but love is also( is) an enormous pain in the ass since it goes south on money matters. Look forward to more. Mary
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thanks, MTF1955.
Phillip
Comment from DonandVicki
A very relatable story. I was in the military all my life so I never got to ask for a raise, if you wanted more money then you had to work harder. A very enjoyable read. Don and Vicki.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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A very relatable story. I was in the military all my life so I never got to ask for a raise, if you wanted more money then you had to work harder. A very enjoyable read. Don and Vicki.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thanks a lot, DaonaldVicki, for reading.
Phillip
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello PB. You know money is always a hassle but only necessary to get the mortgage paid, electricity and gas on, food in the belly and petrol in the car so you can go do your 40 hours somewhere. When two people like to be together the rest of it falls into place ... this reader certainly knows other things that can be as much fun as spending your own or someone else's cash. I thought this story was solid. I'm not sure about the ending. I thought it could have been a touch stronger as you are obviously a great writer, but unfortunately have no idea as to how. Just an observance actually.
Take care and good luck. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Hello PB. You know money is always a hassle but only necessary to get the mortgage paid, electricity and gas on, food in the belly and petrol in the car so you can go do your 40 hours somewhere. When two people like to be together the rest of it falls into place ... this reader certainly knows other things that can be as much fun as spending your own or someone else's cash. I thought this story was solid. I'm not sure about the ending. I thought it could have been a touch stronger as you are obviously a great writer, but unfortunately have no idea as to how. Just an observance actually.
Take care and good luck. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Wow. A great writer? Thanks for the comment, kiwigirl2621, and for reading and giving me the excellent rating.
Phillip
Comment from lyenochka
What an entertaining and believable love story! I enjoyed the characters and the details given which bring us into the story.
Here are some comments/observations:
Mr. Fix It. A traveling handyman, (Mr. Fix It, a traveling handyman) otherwise the sentence doesn't have a main verb.
Seems like in these two cases you want the possessive form:
Napoleon persistence (Napolean's persistence)
" at Napoleon residential office too" (at Napolean's residential office, too)
"Raymond recognized a whisper of hysterics in Napoleon's voice" (love it!)
But you knew that, didn't you, Nathan? (why does he call him Nathan?)
"that once used as office space. " (that once was used as office space)
"Napoleon goes to the kitchen," (the rest of the sentence was in the past tense)
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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What an entertaining and believable love story! I enjoyed the characters and the details given which bring us into the story.
Here are some comments/observations:
Mr. Fix It. A traveling handyman, (Mr. Fix It, a traveling handyman) otherwise the sentence doesn't have a main verb.
Seems like in these two cases you want the possessive form:
Napoleon persistence (Napolean's persistence)
" at Napoleon residential office too" (at Napolean's residential office, too)
"Raymond recognized a whisper of hysterics in Napoleon's voice" (love it!)
But you knew that, didn't you, Nathan? (why does he call him Nathan?)
"that once used as office space. " (that once was used as office space)
"Napoleon goes to the kitchen," (the rest of the sentence was in the past tense)
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Wow. I will get on it right away, lyenochka. Thanks a lot.
Phillip
Comment from doggymad
Well done my friend. You get better with every write. I enjoy the story, the characters and the pace.
There are a few small errors with punctuation but I will let others deal with that.
Congratualtions
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Well done my friend. You get better with every write. I enjoy the story, the characters and the pace.
There are a few small errors with punctuation but I will let others deal with that.
Congratualtions
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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I don't think I'm near crafting a mistake-free story. I don't know it enough, and I'm a slow writer. Thanks for the remark, Freda.
Phillip
