Give Me A Raise
Napoleon is pressed by girlfriend to make more money.27 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello pbomar1115
I like the way you wrote this story even with the long details of his work.
I really liked how you nicely lead into the perfect ending
when Wanda came to see Napoleon and said--
I sometimes forget I'm lucky to have a unique man, especially, when I'm not at my best."
Gert
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
  |
Hello pbomar1115
I like the way you wrote this story even with the long details of his work.
I really liked how you nicely lead into the perfect ending
when Wanda came to see Napoleon and said--
I sometimes forget I'm lucky to have a unique man, especially, when I'm not at my best."
Gert
Comment Written 16-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
-
Thanks, for reading, Gert sherwood.
Phillip
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Oh so emotional and sweet, realistic feelings and a sense of wanting to continue the story. you score big with this one it was fantastic well done kindest regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
|
Oh so emotional and sweet, realistic feelings and a sense of wanting to continue the story. you score big with this one it was fantastic well done kindest regards Meia xx
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
-
Thanks, Meia (MESYERS)
Phillip
Comment from Bill Schott
This was an enjoyable interlude with Napolean trying to satisfy his girl and his friend without really enjoying any of it. There is a good lesson on priorities here that can help some reader realize that life needs to belong to each individual. He or she must live it well and fully. Liked your story.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
|
This was an enjoyable interlude with Napolean trying to satisfy his girl and his friend without really enjoying any of it. There is a good lesson on priorities here that can help some reader realize that life needs to belong to each individual. He or she must live it well and fully. Liked your story.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
-
Thanks, for reading, Bill Schott.
Phillip
Comment from Ulla
Hi Phillip, I liked the storyline. It's true that financial issues very often ruins a relationship. You're still jumping from past tense to present tense throughout the writing. You'll have to decide what tense you want to write in. I'll give you a few examples:
As he set counting the number of rings it takes for her to answer = As he sat counting the number of rings it took [for] her to answer 'for' is not needed either
After this you continue in present tense. It has to be changed to past tense.
When they met, he told her that he is known = that he was known
As he leaves his bedrom--converted to an office = As he left his bedroom
But Raymond is the real brains = But Raymond was the real brains.
It continues like this throughout the story.
If you correct your writing I will be happy to give you a five.
I do like your story telling. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
 |
Hi Phillip, I liked the storyline. It's true that financial issues very often ruins a relationship. You're still jumping from past tense to present tense throughout the writing. You'll have to decide what tense you want to write in. I'll give you a few examples:
As he set counting the number of rings it takes for her to answer = As he sat counting the number of rings it took [for] her to answer 'for' is not needed either
After this you continue in present tense. It has to be changed to past tense.
When they met, he told her that he is known = that he was known
As he leaves his bedrom--converted to an office = As he left his bedroom
But Raymond is the real brains = But Raymond was the real brains.
It continues like this throughout the story.
If you correct your writing I will be happy to give you a five.
I do like your story telling. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading, Ulla.
Phillip
Comment from RoDanni
I like it. The point of view, the feelings of inadequacy over finances (a lot of women these days make more than their partner, it makes this story relatable), he tries to please Wanda but is ultimately true to himself...very well-written.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
|
I like it. The point of view, the feelings of inadequacy over finances (a lot of women these days make more than their partner, it makes this story relatable), he tries to please Wanda but is ultimately true to himself...very well-written.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading, Roseanne Dabbs.
Phillip
Comment from gramalot8
Hi. Good storyline. It did get a bit rambly with the work descriptions, etc. But overall it was good. I loved that she wasn't really just a money grabbing type of woman and hopefully their romance can continue. Thanks for sharing this story with us.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
|
Hi. Good storyline. It did get a bit rambly with the work descriptions, etc. But overall it was good. I loved that she wasn't really just a money grabbing type of woman and hopefully their romance can continue. Thanks for sharing this story with us.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading, gramalot8.
Phillip
Comment from Sanku
It is a cute story .I liked the characters you created. Napolean is a sweetie and Wanda comes across as money grabbing person ,but in the end she turns out to be okay.
i liked the way you ended the story. A surprise to all -Napolean,Wanda and the lawn moving neighbour.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
|
It is a cute story .I liked the characters you created. Napolean is a sweetie and Wanda comes across as money grabbing person ,but in the end she turns out to be okay.
i liked the way you ended the story. A surprise to all -Napolean,Wanda and the lawn moving neighbour.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
-
Thanks for reading, Sanku.
Phillip
Comment from emptypage
That's a great story with a really good, positive lesson I wish everyone understood. Your writing is really progressing. You've learned a lot in a short period of time. I'm duly impressed. I hope it feels as good to you as it does to me when I write something I know it good. Keep it up!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
|
That's a great story with a really good, positive lesson I wish everyone understood. Your writing is really progressing. You've learned a lot in a short period of time. I'm duly impressed. I hope it feels as good to you as it does to me when I write something I know it good. Keep it up!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2017
-
I work very hard, trying to take in information, organize and catch up on teaching from an ill-spent youth. However, I'm at my happiest when a piece is finished and posted, realizing I will have mistakes. But, honestly, I feel very tired, while knowing I need to go through the same cycle again until I feel comfortable with this endeavor.
Phillip
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A mis-understanding between lovers that has a happy ending, and I love the bit about slamming he phone down! We can't do that now with mobile phones that we think of as prize possessions! You have a talent and your story was easy to read, atmospheric and natural, I enjoyed it, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
 |
A mis-understanding between lovers that has a happy ending, and I love the bit about slamming he phone down! We can't do that now with mobile phones that we think of as prize possessions! You have a talent and your story was easy to read, atmospheric and natural, I enjoyed it, love Dolly x
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
-
Dolly!!!! Hey, hey, hey my friend. Thanks for reading the love story.
Phillip
Comment from Bob Stanton
I liked the drift and the predictable move towards the conclusion (I'm a sucker for romantic endings). I go a bit confused by the changes in tense, from past to present to past several times, if I read it right.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
|
I liked the drift and the predictable move towards the conclusion (I'm a sucker for romantic endings). I go a bit confused by the changes in tense, from past to present to past several times, if I read it right.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
-
I might have some tense errors. I kinda wished you pointed them out, so I can make the corrections. Thanks, for reading, Bob Stanton.
Philip
-
Quick response. :) I'm not that clever on them myself but to get you started "Napoleon Bell has been dating Wanda for seven months after meeting her at a bowling alley, promoted by a Dating organization. He was confident about himself--an abundant trait the average thirty-seven-year-old has." To my mind it should read "Napoleon Bell HAD been dating Wanda for seven months...." Your talking about his past so should be in the past tense.
-
Oh, I see now. (had). Ok, I will make the change. Thanks a lot, Bob.
Phillip
