Reviews from

My Brother's Keeper

A borrowed rifle and one fatal shot

10 total reviews 
Comment from rheabug
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This story brought me to tears. I do not understand how people's minds work. The shooting was an accident by a young boy and two families had their whole lives change. Anyway good writing here and I thank you for sharing. Hugs

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
    Thanks again.
Comment from giraffmang
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

I have to say that this story bares a remarkable resemblance to the song 'I Hung My Head' by Johnny Cash, right down to the character's name of Jeb. Okay, you switched out the brothers thing but it is basically the same story with a very minor twist.

This is fine if used for inspiration but it is very similar and if it is used then you should probably acknowledge it in the author's notes as such...

I've included the lyric for comparison.

"I Hung My Head"


Early one morning
With time to kill
I borrowed Jebb's rifle
And sat on the hill
I saw a lone rider
Crossing the plain
I drew a bead on him
To practise my aim

My brother's rifle
Went off in my hand
A shot rang out
Across the land
The horse, he kept running
The rider was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head

I set off running
To wake from the dream
My brother's rifle
Went into the sheen
I kept on running
Into the south lands
That's where they found me
My head in my hands

The sheriff he asked me
Why had I run
And then it came to me
Just what I had done
And all for no reason
Just one piece of lead
I hung my head
I hung my head

Here in the court house
The whole town was there
I see the judge
High up in his chair
"Explain to the courtroom
What went through your mind.
And we'll ask the jury
What verdict they find."

I felt the power
Of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head

I hung my head
I hung my head

Early one morning
With time to kill
I see the gallows
Upon a hill
And out in the distance
A trick of the brain
I see a lone rider
Crossing the plain

And he'd come to fetch me
To see what they'd done
And we'd ride together
To Kingdom come
I prayed for God's mercy
For soon I'd be dead
I hung my head
I hung my head

I hung my head
I hung my head

GMG

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017
    Thanks. You sure do have some keen insight. I just like all things, Johnny Cash. Between him and Bob Dylan, I morph.
Comment from IndianaIrish
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

What an emotional, well-told flash story for the contest, Stan. You certainly made me feel for both boys. Your descriptions are all well written and I wish you lots of luck in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn
:-)

 Comment Written 07-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
    Thanks and cyber hugs...
Comment from Bob Stanton
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nice piece. Evokes a string of questions and emotions, so by that definition you did a good job. How do you balance family, law and justice? And at what point does a family's love and commitment cross the line? Lastly, how does Jake move on from this in his own and his family's eyes?
A good read.

 Comment Written 07-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks so much for this thoughtful and perceptive review!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

What depressing story with a super depressing ending. I hated it, but only because I hate sad endings. It was well written, just NOT my kind of story.

 Comment Written 07-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks Phyllis. As always, I love your direct honesty.
Comment from DonandVicki
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A well composed Western flash fiction that pulled this reader in quickly to the plot and made me feel part of the story. Good luck in the contest. Well done . Don

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks so much for the thoughtful review.
Comment from robyn corum
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Stan,

Still wondering where you've got off to... But this is a great way to introduce yourself back. *smile* What a delightful gift you have, my friend. Lovely -- and horrible, all at the same time. Delicious.

Some notes, if I may?
1.) smoke cleared, Jake threw the rifle in the sheen.
--> do you mean to say 'sheen' here?
--> 'sheen' = noun. 'a soft luster on a surface'/ verb. 'shine or cause to shine softly'

2.) He coughed some more blood from the wound in his side
--> sounds like he's literally coughing FROM his side.

3.) until his eyes rolled into the back of his head.
--> be very careful about the imagery you're creating... *smile*

4.) though his heart sank like a stone (in) a well.

5.) beneath the shadow of his (parents') dead pan stare.

Thanks, sweetie. This looks like a real 'contenda'. I think it should do great!! Good luck!


 Comment Written 06-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks Robyn. I never get upset for the editing help. If I could, I would submit to you first!
Comment from poetwatch
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Good drama in a short western story. I read every western I could get my hands on. This has the making of a good chapter in a book. I would like to ask what you mean by (sheen) In the line, "When the smoke cleared, Jake threw the rifle in the sheen." You wouldn't mean (stream) would you? That's the only thing that got me. Otherwise it is a very good story. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks for this in-depth review. Appreciate all the help.
Comment from DiaMarEl
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

What a "sitting on the edge of your seat" story. With just a few words (keeping within the confines of the contest entry requirements) you had my interest from start to finish! This was very well written, and your words painted a vivid picture of the actions taking place. Best wishes in the contest!

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks again for this encouragement
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi Forest. Wow this one is pretty good. I'm surprised that they didn't just tell the truth. Surely they wouldn't hang a young lad! Great write. You are up against some really good writers in this one. Good luck. xoxo Kiwi

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2017


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
    Thanks for your very thoughtful review!