Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Gift"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
32 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I like the sheer unreality of this piece. Obviously has a gift, and a knowledges of how to deal with this sense of great unrealness and a strange existence, that come unasked, and certainly unadorned. Beautifully scribed and mysteriously imposed on the mind, good entry and good luck. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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I like the sheer unreality of this piece. Obviously has a gift, and a knowledges of how to deal with this sense of great unrealness and a strange existence, that come unasked, and certainly unadorned. Beautifully scribed and mysteriously imposed on the mind, good entry and good luck. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2018
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Wow! Thank you for this review. It uplifts my inspiration to complete this project. Thank you! It made my day!
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My privilege
Comment from kahpot
What I am reading is (six star) worthy but I am going to be patient and provide you with your worth when I catch up ( chapter 14) next, " just an ask in your first paragraph, it is just me but I would like to see the words, hint and reveal, swapped ( where the darkness would not reveal the depth) , (nor hint whatever waited below) I am not a writer so please ignore if this does not make sense, "every crevice every angle of perception" ( you definitely have a way with words) back again, nearing the end " standing besides a hot...' this should be standing beside, another excellent read****kahpot
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What I am reading is (six star) worthy but I am going to be patient and provide you with your worth when I catch up ( chapter 14) next, " just an ask in your first paragraph, it is just me but I would like to see the words, hint and reveal, swapped ( where the darkness would not reveal the depth) , (nor hint whatever waited below) I am not a writer so please ignore if this does not make sense, "every crevice every angle of perception" ( you definitely have a way with words) back again, nearing the end " standing besides a hot...' this should be standing beside, another excellent read****kahpot
Comment Written 20-Aug-2018
Comment from LaFrance
Your plot is getting more intriguing and this chapter is a good entry in the horror contest. Your ending quote is awesomely creepy. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
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Your plot is getting more intriguing and this chapter is a good entry in the horror contest. Your ending quote is awesomely creepy. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
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Thank you! This story is set as a novel. And, as the character ages, the story will provide that sense of growth between character and the real world.
Comment from Rasmine
Good start! I read backward, but this explains some stuff.
I really like this:
He begins to reason with his fear; wishing that soon he would wake up to his reality that involved eating a stack of pancakes his mother prepared on Fridays, watching Saturday morning cartoons, and reading his collection of Spider-Man comics underneath his bed every dark, rainy night with his Green Lantern lantern.
Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2017
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Good start! I read backward, but this explains some stuff.
I really like this:
He begins to reason with his fear; wishing that soon he would wake up to his reality that involved eating a stack of pancakes his mother prepared on Fridays, watching Saturday morning cartoons, and reading his collection of Spider-Man comics underneath his bed every dark, rainy night with his Green Lantern lantern.
Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2017
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Thank you, again! Your six stars are very motivational for me to keep going in this story. Thank you
Comment from apky
Since I tend to scare easily, one of the things I like about your story is the fact that it is rather entertaining instead of scary. But that doesn't do the story any harm, I hope.
Good luck with the contest. As usual, suggestions below.
I like how you described this very vividly, putting the reader right alongside Eu El:
Somehow, this gift managed to transport him into the other reality, blurry with no tangible references existing beyond the outline of his hallway, where the darkness swallowed every crevice, every angle of perception, and every truth behind the familiar. One may relate the scene to be a poorly transmitted fuzziness of a late night television signal barely materializing into a perceivable picture.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Since I tend to scare easily, one of the things I like about your story is the fact that it is rather entertaining instead of scary. But that doesn't do the story any harm, I hope.
Good luck with the contest. As usual, suggestions below.
I like how you described this very vividly, putting the reader right alongside Eu El:
Somehow, this gift managed to transport him into the other reality, blurry with no tangible references existing beyond the outline of his hallway, where the darkness swallowed every crevice, every angle of perception, and every truth behind the familiar. One may relate the scene to be a poorly transmitted fuzziness of a late night television signal barely materializing into a perceivable picture.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Thank you again :) I hope you are able to read future chapters. I appreciate your support and comments!
Comment from sunnilicious
Great visual imagery. Creative, detailed and strong. Good use of action words to add drama. Well thought out and clearly written. This novel installment stands well alone as a short story. Nice work.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2017
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Great visual imagery. Creative, detailed and strong. Good use of action words to add drama. Well thought out and clearly written. This novel installment stands well alone as a short story. Nice work.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2017
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Thank you! I love the genre and thought I'd write something to share from personal experiences. Thank you for the kind review and stars!
Comment from Bob Stanton
Interesting concept described fairly well. Your style is quite old fashioned and reminded me strongly of Fanny Hill, which I am currently rereading; in which long convoluted sentences stretch to a page or more. Yours is well punctuated but I would suggest you look at breaking some of the longer ones into two or three shorter ones. This would make it more easily readable as well as giving each point you are making more punch. You are also missing some connecting words, like "hint AT the depth" and "not of HIS choice".
Good luck in the contest :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Interesting concept described fairly well. Your style is quite old fashioned and reminded me strongly of Fanny Hill, which I am currently rereading; in which long convoluted sentences stretch to a page or more. Yours is well punctuated but I would suggest you look at breaking some of the longer ones into two or three shorter ones. This would make it more easily readable as well as giving each point you are making more punch. You are also missing some connecting words, like "hint AT the depth" and "not of HIS choice".
Good luck in the contest :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
Comment from Marvin Calloway
Not a word out of place. Not too many, nor too few.
The hand of the master at work. Just perfect.
I couldn't stop reading if I wanted to.
Marv
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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Not a word out of place. Not too many, nor too few.
The hand of the master at work. Just perfect.
I couldn't stop reading if I wanted to.
Marv
Comment Written 03-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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Hi Marvin,
Thank you for your encouragement and positive remarks. I took down the original and am revamping it from the start. I hope you are able to read more of the developing mystery and adventures with the paranormal activities associated with "Fortune Cookies"
Thank you!!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This piece's narration is interesting as the narrator seems involved in the piece which gives an interesting tone and almost commentary on the proceedings. it works well here in this tale. A quasi-Twilight Zone sort of feel.
poorly transmitted fuzziness of a late night television signal barely materializing into a perceivable picture. - this is nice imagery but more than that it continues the imagery from the first instalment with the father and the TV. Nice.
The texture of the soft carpet hugging his bare feet is the only evidence of what familiarity, if any, existed in the emptiness of what is gradually appearing to become the prelude to a nightmare: the kind that no one, not even his family, would believe could happen in a normal world unless they experienced it for themselves. - this is very wordy and could do with being split up a little. When you use a lot of these the reader falls into a monotone and the meaning can meander away.
This is very eerie and affecting.
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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Hi there,
This piece's narration is interesting as the narrator seems involved in the piece which gives an interesting tone and almost commentary on the proceedings. it works well here in this tale. A quasi-Twilight Zone sort of feel.
poorly transmitted fuzziness of a late night television signal barely materializing into a perceivable picture. - this is nice imagery but more than that it continues the imagery from the first instalment with the father and the TV. Nice.
The texture of the soft carpet hugging his bare feet is the only evidence of what familiarity, if any, existed in the emptiness of what is gradually appearing to become the prelude to a nightmare: the kind that no one, not even his family, would believe could happen in a normal world unless they experienced it for themselves. - this is very wordy and could do with being split up a little. When you use a lot of these the reader falls into a monotone and the meaning can meander away.
This is very eerie and affecting.
GMG
Comment Written 03-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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Hi! Well noted. Very helpful input and attention to detail that I've been needing. My strength, as I've mentioned, isn't grammar. However, I am aiming to finish this project in whatever way I can even if I have to crawl over the finish line armed with whatever little I have. It's based on real experiences and that's as creative as I can get. Thank you for the helpful and positive return.
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Hi! Well noted. Very helpful input and attention to detail that I've been needing. My strength, as I've mentioned, isn't grammar. However, I am aiming to finish this project in whatever way I can even if I have to crawl over the finish line armed with whatever little I have. It's based on real experiences and that's as creative as I can get. Thank you for the helpful and positive return.
Comment from Sanku
In the beginning he was able to see and talk to his dead father.this time who is this woman?
It is quite eerie. There is a fear that the phantom figure is going to hurt the baby sister.
I note that this is a contest entry .All the best.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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In the beginning he was able to see and talk to his dead father.this time who is this woman?
It is quite eerie. There is a fear that the phantom figure is going to hurt the baby sister.
I note that this is a contest entry .All the best.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
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Hi, actually, in the beginning he saw and talked to his grandfather which his father had to explain to him because, he was too young to remember. In chapter two, which takes place over a decade later, he now travels into a different realm where this woman resides. The woman will be further described in chapter 3. Thank you for your kind rating and comment. Hope you are able to read future chapters!
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That 's true. I went back to check .somehow I remembered as father.
