Comment from damommy

Excellent

I believe she received her punishment. How clever that she killed him with a bee sting. She couldn't rejoice for long, though.

Great story in 100 words. That's so hard to do. I know I can't. Wonderful job. Good luck in the contest. 8-)

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017

Very many thanks, Yvonne, for your most generous review. Much appreciated! I'm a bit uncertain about the ending. What I was aiming for was a parallel between the bee that loses its life when it stings and the murderer who loses her life when she murders - by causing the bee to sting her partner. It's better to produce honey than to sting people! LOL Best wishes, as always, Tony

reply by damommy on 13-Sep-2017

I got that from the ending. It was very clear.

Comment from RGstar

Excellent

I like the angle personalized , the first part of the bee, and then the antagonist who then succumbs to its sting, probably unaware of what was about to happen...adding too the romance of placing the bee, or wasp, into the mouth of a flower, not knowing own fate.
Nicely done.
My best wishes.
RG

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017

Thanks, RG. I don't often enter these prose competitions. Glad you enjoyed this one! Best wishes, as always. Tony

Comment from Mark Valentine

Exceptional

One of the best 100 word pieces I've seen. A mini-rollercoaster. So many plot twists seamlessly woven into a 100 word story - that is impressive! A person is dying - no, wait it's a bee - this woman has a respectful, reverential attitude toward this creature - no, wait, she's enjoying his agony - and finally, she too dies.

The real payoff, in my opinion, comes from the line "how she had enjoyed watching his final moments of agony" - It transforms her from hero to villain and gives the ending an extra flair. I'm guessing we have a contest winner here.

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017

Very many thanks, Mark, for your most generous six-star review. Much appreciated! Best wishes, as always, Tony

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written hundred word flash fiction. It seems the lady in the silken dress just comitted a perfect murder with her partner the bee that unfortunately also died the only witness.

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017

Thanks, Sandra. I don't often enter these prose competitions. Glad you enjoyed this one! Best wishes, as always. Tony

Comment from Mitchell Brontė

Excellent

An excellent review 100 word flash story Tony, karma maybe, gripping read with a last line that was so fitting for such a wonderful write.
Loved it......
Mitchell

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017

Thanks, Mitchell. I don't often enter these prose competitions. Glad you enjoyed this one! Best wishes, as always. Tony

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

Okay it is absolutely well written and no mistakes, but how did she die if she has it sting him? That is why I don't do prose well.lol

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017

Thanks, Barb. I don't often enter these prose competitions. Glad you enjoyed this one! Like the bee, she died because she had stung! Perhaps there was poison in the honey! Who knows? Best wishes, as always. Tony

Comment from jenintorre

Excellent

Wow. That was a surprise. A very unusual and well written 100 word
Flash fiction.well done. I wish yo lots of luck in the competition.

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017

Thanks, jeninforre. I don't often enter these prose competitions. Glad you enjoyed this one! Best wishes. Tony

Comment from apky

Excellent

I know only too well how hard it is to write
a complete story in just one hundred words.
I know I can't do it. Anyway, it took me two
reads to finally get your meaning (unless I'm
wrong). I guess he was allergic to bee stings
and she just murdered him with a bee as
a weapon. And now that he's gone and the
evidence offered to the lily, she's free at last...

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 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017

Thanks, apky. I don't often enter these prose competitions. Glad you enjoyed this one! Actually, she didn't escape. She died, too. The idea being that those who choose to sting, die a little because of it. Perhaps the honey was poisoned! Who knows? Best wishes, as always. Tony

Comment from Janilou

Excellent

Oh my. It appears the woman met her match! Whether by accident or design we will never know. :-) Great flash fiction.

Swelling of the throat was the first symptom. His pulse then started to race and a bluish tinge suffused his cheek. Within minutes he had lost consciousness.

I really liked the first line. The second one seemed a little awkward. I would suggest a minor tweak. Maybe just because I've seen it happen -- no, I didn't make it happen. I was an RN for many years. LOL

Same number of words below -- just added a little more description of anaphylaxis setting in.

Swelling of the throat was the first symptom. His pulse sped up and a bluish tinge suffused his cheeks and lips. Within minutes he had lost consciousness.

Best of luck in the contest. This was great.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 13-Sep-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017

Many thanks for this expert help! Blue lips - of course! I have followed your advice and amended. Your version is much better! All the best, Tony