Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Chapter Dreizehn part vier"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
29 total reviews
Comment from apky
the night (of) November 9, 1938.
This chapter was full of action and was well executed. What watered it down was how "easily" the confrontation is resolved with Kuznetsov and his men. I had trouble with credibility there, but that's my subjective take.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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the night (of) November 9, 1938.
This chapter was full of action and was well executed. What watered it down was how "easily" the confrontation is resolved with Kuznetsov and his men. I had trouble with credibility there, but that's my subjective take.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
I think Anderson has gotten the attention he wanted.
Error
"You'd better tell Kuznetsov to come out (to the) sidewalk to talk with us.
stolen during Kristallnacht; the night (of) November 9, 1938.
Your friend would not know that, would she?" (Error> gender of the claimant has not begin Identified.)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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I think Anderson has gotten the attention he wanted.
Error
"You'd better tell Kuznetsov to come out (to the) sidewalk to talk with us.
stolen during Kristallnacht; the night (of) November 9, 1938.
Your friend would not know that, would she?" (Error> gender of the claimant has not begin Identified.)
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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I have made the changes. Thank you for the catches.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from Sankey
Plenty of excitement in this short chapter. As always a great read. A couple of spags for you on this occasion. to come out (to the) sidewalk "How much (are)you willing to pay
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Plenty of excitement in this short chapter. As always a great read. A couple of spags for you on this occasion. to come out (to the) sidewalk "How much (are)you willing to pay
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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I have made the changes. Thank you for the catches.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb, you certainly know how to keep the action going ( and you do it well ).
I just winder about this part
"You'd better tell Kuznetsov to come out (sidewalk to talk with us.)?
Gert
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Hello Barb, you certainly know how to keep the action going ( and you do it well ).
I just winder about this part
"You'd better tell Kuznetsov to come out (sidewalk to talk with us.)?
Gert
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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I will get that fixed. Thank you for the kind review.
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You are welcome Barb
Gert
Comment from royowen
Anderson, Jeff and Philip, have strong armed their way over the men following them, one of them with a broken nose and sore groin, and receive some sort of guarantee from Kusetsov, but an all round day for the trio, good thing Shana is protected. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : I know you have (procession) of the painting. Possession?
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Anderson, Jeff and Philip, have strong armed their way over the men following them, one of them with a broken nose and sore groin, and receive some sort of guarantee from Kusetsov, but an all round day for the trio, good thing Shana is protected. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : I know you have (procession) of the painting. Possession?
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you for the catch. I truly appreciate it.
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Well done Barbara
Comment from EverInParadise
You may have a good story going on here, but I suggest you step back and read aloud or have someone read aloud to you. Where you or the reader stumble will usually indicate a problem in grammar or the scene itself. *At the door*, is one of those introductive phrases that makes this paragraph stumble, as you have the man open the door. Similarly, *On the sidewalk* doesn't read well either. Immediately(.) We. . Reads more smoothly as two sentences. I like to review and hope to help my fellow writers, but after I run into this many difficulties I usually stop reviewing and make the above suggestion. If one is writing only for their own pleasure than that is fine. If you want reviewers to enjoy your work that requires a completely different approach. Keep trying and learning and all this will come to fruition.
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reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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You may have a good story going on here, but I suggest you step back and read aloud or have someone read aloud to you. Where you or the reader stumble will usually indicate a problem in grammar or the scene itself. *At the door*, is one of those introductive phrases that makes this paragraph stumble, as you have the man open the door. Similarly, *On the sidewalk* doesn't read well either. Immediately(.) We. . Reads more smoothly as two sentences. I like to review and hope to help my fellow writers, but after I run into this many difficulties I usually stop reviewing and make the above suggestion. If one is writing only for their own pleasure than that is fine. If you want reviewers to enjoy your work that requires a completely different approach. Keep trying and learning and all this will come to fruition.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you. I don't feel that 'this many difficulties ' is a fair assessment.
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I meant is that I might find myself completely editing someone's work and that, as a reviewer, should not be what my review is about. So at some point, wherein I see myself slipping into that role, I stop reviewing. I did not mean to offend and if I did I apologize.
Comment from Sasha
You did a great job with this. Lots of action and terrific dialogue too. I found one sentence you may want to look at:
You'd better tell Kuznetsov to come sidewalk to talk with us... add: come out to the sidewalk to talk...
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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You did a great job with this. Lots of action and terrific dialogue too. I found one sentence you may want to look at:
You'd better tell Kuznetsov to come sidewalk to talk with us... add: come out to the sidewalk to talk...
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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I have made the change. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from Mistydawn
It's a well-written chapter. Held my attention start to finish. The dialogue was smooth, natural and the characters really came to life. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the chapter.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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It's a well-written chapter. Held my attention start to finish. The dialogue was smooth, natural and the characters really came to life. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the chapter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, Barbara.
This was an action-packed chapter.
Anderson and Jeff kept guns aimed at the five men as Philip searched the men.
Anderson and Jeff kept guns aimed at the five men as Philip searched them. (minimise repetition of the word 'men')
In this section, try to use the word 'nose' once. I think it needs scaling down:
As the man doubled up in pain, he smashed his forearm into the man's nose. The man grabbed both body parts as blood streamed from his nose. / face
Either way[,] the painting was stolen."
It sounds like a case of bribery.
Nicole
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Hi, Barbara.
This was an action-packed chapter.
Anderson and Jeff kept guns aimed at the five men as Philip searched the men.
Anderson and Jeff kept guns aimed at the five men as Philip searched them. (minimise repetition of the word 'men')
In this section, try to use the word 'nose' once. I think it needs scaling down:
As the man doubled up in pain, he smashed his forearm into the man's nose. The man grabbed both body parts as blood streamed from his nose. / face
Either way[,] the painting was stolen."
It sounds like a case of bribery.
Nicole
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you for the catches. I will make the corrections.
