Dark Fate
Contest entry14 total reviews
Comment from IndigoLady
Wonderfully edge of the seat drama. Well written and beautifully descriptive so that you could see and feel what our hero was feeling. Well written..
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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Wonderfully edge of the seat drama. Well written and beautifully descriptive so that you could see and feel what our hero was feeling. Well written..
Comment Written 25-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
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Thanks so much. I am pleased you thought well of this.
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a well written story with good word choices. Concise and moves right along. Holds the reader's interest. Daddy was Emily's helper. Good job with this and good luck in the contest. Marilyn
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2017
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This is a well written story with good word choices. Concise and moves right along. Holds the reader's interest. Daddy was Emily's helper. Good job with this and good luck in the contest. Marilyn
Comment Written 20-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2017
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Thanks so much for your valued review.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a good story but would be great if it was stronger. Maybe some inner thought would help with the emotion. 'He fought to remember (where he had been before waking up in this black space. His mind was fuzzy and his head hurt.)' I would rephrase... 'He shook his head and groaned as snippets of the night before flooded his mind...' Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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This is a good story but would be great if it was stronger. Maybe some inner thought would help with the emotion. 'He fought to remember (where he had been before waking up in this black space. His mind was fuzzy and his head hurt.)' I would rephrase... 'He shook his head and groaned as snippets of the night before flooded his mind...' Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Thanks for reading and your suggestion!
Comment from Dawn Munro
Yikes! GREAT story! However--
"When he reached..." I suggest changing the second "when" in this sentence to "as" to avoid repetition.
Fragmented sentences - I suggest these changes for grammar and punctuation: colons, semi-colons and double hyphens. While I agree, sentences that are incomplete/fragmented can add punch (no pun intended), they are predominantly frowned upon when used by a new author. Only the best-known writers get away with it. :)))
Good luck in the contest. :)
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2017
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Yikes! GREAT story! However--
"When he reached..." I suggest changing the second "when" in this sentence to "as" to avoid repetition.
Fragmented sentences - I suggest these changes for grammar and punctuation: colons, semi-colons and double hyphens. While I agree, sentences that are incomplete/fragmented can add punch (no pun intended), they are predominantly frowned upon when used by a new author. Only the best-known writers get away with it. :)))
Good luck in the contest. :)
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2017
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Thanks for the great suggestions.
Comment from Possummagic
This is a great story and I was mesmerised from the first line to the last. I couldn't find any typos, spelling errors or anything to detract from your work. Excellent work. Good luck in the contest. PM
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2017
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This is a great story and I was mesmerised from the first line to the last. I couldn't find any typos, spelling errors or anything to detract from your work. Excellent work. Good luck in the contest. PM
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2017
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Thanks so much for your kind review and my favorite green star!. I am so pleased you liked it.
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You're welcome. PM
Comment from apky
To me, this was more than scary, it was Hades.
It is bad enough to be in that total darkness that you have described so vividly - He had never been somewhere with such a complete absence of light. Even after all the time he had been here, he could not see his hand in front of his face. He had a frightening moment, when he believed he was blind. - but when the stench adds to the darkness...
Well done.
His now(delete-,) ex-girlfriend, Emily, and some older guy. Arguing.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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To me, this was more than scary, it was Hades.
It is bad enough to be in that total darkness that you have described so vividly - He had never been somewhere with such a complete absence of light. Even after all the time he had been here, he could not see his hand in front of his face. He had a frightening moment, when he believed he was blind. - but when the stench adds to the darkness...
Well done.
His now(delete-,) ex-girlfriend, Emily, and some older guy. Arguing.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Thanks much-I was unsure of that (-). I shall delete it and I thanks u for reading and reviewing. Much appreciated.
Comment from smbau
Liked your style, a story with a plot that gives mixed images only to surprise the reader with an ending twist. I thought the main character was in a dark alley, or blinded and never imagined somewhere in a tomb with other dead bodies. You did get us with this one. Wish you the best in your contest.
Optional suggestions:
"It was a small flashlight that was shoved against the wall." vs "â?¢It was a small flashlight that shoved against the wall."
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Liked your style, a story with a plot that gives mixed images only to surprise the reader with an ending twist. I thought the main character was in a dark alley, or blinded and never imagined somewhere in a tomb with other dead bodies. You did get us with this one. Wish you the best in your contest.
Optional suggestions:
"It was a small flashlight that was shoved against the wall." vs "â?¢It was a small flashlight that shoved against the wall."
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Thanks much for the reading and thoughtful review as well as your helpful suggestion!
Comment from pome lover
Good grief! If you haven't already won with this one, you certainly should! What a nightmare!
But thinking back - If he has air to breathe and there is a wall,is he in a crypt? but if he is, then there wouldn't be dripping flesh. so... what's he in?? Am I getting too literal?
This is a great horror account and you build the tension beautifully right up to the horrifying end. Good job.
pome lover
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Good grief! If you haven't already won with this one, you certainly should! What a nightmare!
But thinking back - If he has air to breathe and there is a wall,is he in a crypt? but if he is, then there wouldn't be dripping flesh. so... what's he in?? Am I getting too literal?
This is a great horror account and you build the tension beautifully right up to the horrifying end. Good job.
pome lover
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Thanks so much. It is a tomb but she put her other ex lovers in there too-quite a nice girl-haha. I really appreciate your comments.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is truly a horror and thriller fiction with his character is stuck in complete darkness, one after another unexpected happening, no prompt of career development, art fails, help at house came never, satanic woman, vengeance, now in dark fate; I liked.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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This is truly a horror and thriller fiction with his character is stuck in complete darkness, one after another unexpected happening, no prompt of career development, art fails, help at house came never, satanic woman, vengeance, now in dark fate; I liked.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Thanks so much for your thoughtful review. t is truly appreciated.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You could easily remove some of the passivity/telling in your work by removing the usages of was/were early on. For example in your opening lines a simple rearrangement could make things a little more immersive and immediate.
"The dark enveloped him like a velvet shroud; heavy, thick and palpable."
When he reached the occipital region - occipital feels out of place with the language used in the rest of the recanting of the tale.
as the ones the Roadrunner inflicted on the skull of Wiley Coyote - technically this isn't so. Wile sustained his injuries through self-inducement.
Now, how would he pay for the down payment on the remodeling of his loft. - this should probably have a question mark.
why didn't she ever call them for help.- this is also formed as a question.
Nice chills in this piece. Maybe make a little more of the claustrophobia aspect but nice tuat stuff.
GMG
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Hi there,
You could easily remove some of the passivity/telling in your work by removing the usages of was/were early on. For example in your opening lines a simple rearrangement could make things a little more immersive and immediate.
"The dark enveloped him like a velvet shroud; heavy, thick and palpable."
When he reached the occipital region - occipital feels out of place with the language used in the rest of the recanting of the tale.
as the ones the Roadrunner inflicted on the skull of Wiley Coyote - technically this isn't so. Wile sustained his injuries through self-inducement.
Now, how would he pay for the down payment on the remodeling of his loft. - this should probably have a question mark.
why didn't she ever call them for help.- this is also formed as a question.
Nice chills in this piece. Maybe make a little more of the claustrophobia aspect but nice tuat stuff.
GMG
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2017
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Thanks for the suggestions and catching those question marks. Much appreciated.
