Dinner at eight don't be late
A couple are falling in. Love what will happen?12 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well, I'm not surprised she didn't guess that. Would you? lol
A few bits and pieces I noticed whilst reading-
"What's the occasion." Evie inquired? - the question mark should really come inside the speech marks.
'oh I doubt it' Ireddened - it's best not to mix one person's dialogue or action with another's. Also here you need a space after I.
"I left the salon feeling like a million dollars, - delete the speech marks from the beginning here.
I laid out my favourite lingerie on the bed a lovely black bra and matching panties - this is a run on sentence. you need some form of punctuation after bed.
"special" wardrobe,"I selected - the comma should be outside the speech marks and needs a space also. There is also an extra set of marks.
it highlighted hid blonde hair - his blond hair (it is generally blonde for females and blond for males).
blue piercing eyes - maybe piercing blue eyes.
No sooner had they sat down when Bradley started to talk about their relationship and how they had become quite close to each other. - this is written in third person narrative rather than first person which the rest of the story is told in. (should be we sat down/ our relationship/ how we had.
and said "it's okay Bradley - insert a comma after said and start the dialogue with a capital.
" You do?" - delete the space following the opening speech marks.
" But how can you know - delete the space following the opening speech marks.
and I'd like us to get closer still." - need opening speech marks here.
"but I'm in witness protection - should start with a capital.
I just sat there with my mouth open and thought. "Well he had me fooled - should be a comma rather than a comma after thought.
guessed he was Going to say that! - going.
I suppose I'll have to make a decision." - delete the speech mark at the very end here.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
   |
Hi there,
Well, I'm not surprised she didn't guess that. Would you? lol
A few bits and pieces I noticed whilst reading-
"What's the occasion." Evie inquired? - the question mark should really come inside the speech marks.
'oh I doubt it' Ireddened - it's best not to mix one person's dialogue or action with another's. Also here you need a space after I.
"I left the salon feeling like a million dollars, - delete the speech marks from the beginning here.
I laid out my favourite lingerie on the bed a lovely black bra and matching panties - this is a run on sentence. you need some form of punctuation after bed.
"special" wardrobe,"I selected - the comma should be outside the speech marks and needs a space also. There is also an extra set of marks.
it highlighted hid blonde hair - his blond hair (it is generally blonde for females and blond for males).
blue piercing eyes - maybe piercing blue eyes.
No sooner had they sat down when Bradley started to talk about their relationship and how they had become quite close to each other. - this is written in third person narrative rather than first person which the rest of the story is told in. (should be we sat down/ our relationship/ how we had.
and said "it's okay Bradley - insert a comma after said and start the dialogue with a capital.
" You do?" - delete the space following the opening speech marks.
" But how can you know - delete the space following the opening speech marks.
and I'd like us to get closer still." - need opening speech marks here.
"but I'm in witness protection - should start with a capital.
I just sat there with my mouth open and thought. "Well he had me fooled - should be a comma rather than a comma after thought.
guessed he was Going to say that! - going.
I suppose I'll have to make a decision." - delete the speech mark at the very end here.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
I should have just posted this and edited it later. I can see all of the errors and by tomorrow I will have followed everyone's advice. It's 2:30am and I'm off to bed .thank you so much for your feedback.
Comment from apky
Well written and enjoyable. My suggestuons are below:
He looked so handsome, in his navy coloured jumper and it highlighted hid(his) blonde hair and blue piercing eyes.
No sooner had they sat down when Bradley started to talk about their relationship and how they had become quite close to each other. He was really nervous so I took his hand and said "it's okay Bradley I know there are things we need to talk about and it's all fine. I know what you are going to say."
~ I didn't understand why you changed suddenly to third POV here.
"(B)but I'm in witness protection, indefinitely and I need to move on, I'd like you to go with me."
"Well he had me fooled, I'd never have guessed he was (g)Going to say that!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
|
Well written and enjoyable. My suggestuons are below:
He looked so handsome, in his navy coloured jumper and it highlighted hid(his) blonde hair and blue piercing eyes.
No sooner had they sat down when Bradley started to talk about their relationship and how they had become quite close to each other. He was really nervous so I took his hand and said "it's okay Bradley I know there are things we need to talk about and it's all fine. I know what you are going to say."
~ I didn't understand why you changed suddenly to third POV here.
"(B)but I'm in witness protection, indefinitely and I need to move on, I'd like you to go with me."
"Well he had me fooled, I'd never have guessed he was (g)Going to say that!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your feedback. I will defibitely fix it up but it's 2:30 am so I might do it in the morning. Night.
