Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Bittersweet Victory"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
7 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A nice round up and tying of loose ends up.
"We'll just see about that, now won't we."
"What's the meaning of this, arresting Allen like he's some hardened criminal," - both of these dialogue should probably have question marks.
"Wait a minute, Sir," a paramedic says, rushing towards him - this is a little abrupt, the arrival of the paramedic. Perhaps someone - Larry would have heard sirens and seen flashing lights?
"Why don't we get rid of these? - need closing speech marks here.
Jen, hi, it's Larry, can I talk to Lilly, please - should have question mark.
I glance at the cop "I figured that'd change her mind." - insert a comma after cop.
When was the last time you heard from Uncle Marty."
- needs a question mark.
Wrapping my legs around his neck, I pull him to the floor. - not sure how the mechanics of this works. It would be very difficult to do this with him perched on top of her.
Grabbing ahold of the gun - a hold (ahold isn't a word).
Where's Julia, is she alright, I need to see her," - needs a question mark.
I had it all until it was taken away." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
I turn to see a beautiful blond - blonde for female.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2017
   |
Hi there,
A nice round up and tying of loose ends up.
"We'll just see about that, now won't we."
"What's the meaning of this, arresting Allen like he's some hardened criminal," - both of these dialogue should probably have question marks.
"Wait a minute, Sir," a paramedic says, rushing towards him - this is a little abrupt, the arrival of the paramedic. Perhaps someone - Larry would have heard sirens and seen flashing lights?
"Why don't we get rid of these? - need closing speech marks here.
Jen, hi, it's Larry, can I talk to Lilly, please - should have question mark.
I glance at the cop "I figured that'd change her mind." - insert a comma after cop.
When was the last time you heard from Uncle Marty."
- needs a question mark.
Wrapping my legs around his neck, I pull him to the floor. - not sure how the mechanics of this works. It would be very difficult to do this with him perched on top of her.
Grabbing ahold of the gun - a hold (ahold isn't a word).
Where's Julia, is she alright, I need to see her," - needs a question mark.
I had it all until it was taken away." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
I turn to see a beautiful blond - blonde for female.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your kind review and your numerous edits, I missed a lot this time.
The leg thing is doable, that's how I use to get away when my brother pinned me down. Of course, I was a lot younger, more limber. Now I'd probably break something.
Thanks again for your nice review and all your helpful suggestions, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
It sounded like the end, but you didn't write THE END so I don't know. I wish everyone would do that. Anyway, I'm glad they got the proof on the bad cops and that Julia shot Andy. He deserved it. Sweet ending with the grandchild and new baby due. :)
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
|
It sounded like the end, but you didn't write THE END so I don't know. I wish everyone would do that. Anyway, I'm glad they got the proof on the bad cops and that Julia shot Andy. He deserved it. Sweet ending with the grandchild and new baby due. :)
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for such a nice review. I am glad you liked the ending. If felt right to put them together, after all, they went through. It was an emotional week for me, saying goodbye to Julia and Larry. So putting them together, giving me a way to bring them back was the only way could finish the book. Do you get attached to your characters like that sometimes?
Thanks again for your great review take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, one thing is for sure with this story, there was never any lack of action to keep us readers tuned in. Of course, I'm a sucker for happy endings. Thanks for another fine chapter. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
|
Well, one thing is for sure with this story, there was never any lack of action to keep us readers tuned in. Of course, I'm a sucker for happy endings. Thanks for another fine chapter. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your nice review and for all of your help and support, it means a lot to me. I've been meaning to ask how are your wrists? Hopefully better. I can only imagine what you went through with both wrists out of commission, poor guy.
Thanks again for all your help and support, take care.
-
I'm a tough ol' bird that's meaner than a junk yard dog. Nothing keeps me down for long. I'm not supposed to be, but I'm using both hands enough to get things done. Thanks for asking. Keep up the good work! :-)
-
I bet you're as stubborn as a junk yard dog too, lol. DON"T OVERDO!
Comment from apky
Wow, what a surprising finale! I didn't see it coming. I stil don't understand how or even why Larry could have raped and killed someone. Julia's last words make me evenmore confused. Had she framed Larry? And why is her stomach "swollen"? What's the significance of that? She's a granny now, isn't she?
"Did you hear what Mommy and Uncle Marty was(were- I don't think Larry would make this kind of a grammar mistake in his speech) talking about?"
Now you can see that I'm not the bitter old man, you think I am, without a life or purpose. I had it all until it was taken away.(delete-")
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
|
Wow, what a surprising finale! I didn't see it coming. I stil don't understand how or even why Larry could have raped and killed someone. Julia's last words make me evenmore confused. Had she framed Larry? And why is her stomach "swollen"? What's the significance of that? She's a granny now, isn't she?
"Did you hear what Mommy and Uncle Marty was(were- I don't think Larry would make this kind of a grammar mistake in his speech) talking about?"
Now you can see that I'm not the bitter old man, you think I am, without a life or purpose. I had it all until it was taken away.(delete-")
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the great review and all your help and support throughout the story. I am so pleased that I surprised you. I added them getting back together just for you because you were so adamant about them being together.
You came in after Marty blackmailed Larry with Debbie's picture, that's where I explained she fell hit her head, he got scared and ran. It also said that the pictures and other proof would be sent to the police if something happens to Marty.
Yes she a grandma, but Julia would only be in her mid-fifties, still able to have children, it would be high risk but doable. I changed swollen stomach to my pregnant belly.
The part you suggested I delete, that's how the story began in the first chapter I know it kind of throws you off but I wanted to do a full circle. What do you think?
Thanks again for all your reviews, help and support take care.
-
I misspoke yesterday. I originally had her hitting her head but changed it to the gun accidentally going off. So I changed that part in the last chapter to fit the begininning. Thanks for catching my mistake. I'm going to edit that one part about I'm not the bitter.... to make it fit better. Actually, I may redo the entire part because I was told it seems rushed.
Thanks again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from Possummagic
This is firming up to be a pretty decent novel. I enjoyed reading it and didn't detect any typos or anything that would detract from the story. Nicely written, flows well.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
|
This is firming up to be a pretty decent novel. I enjoyed reading it and didn't detect any typos or anything that would detract from the story. Nicely written, flows well.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your great review I am so glad you enjoyed it. This chapter was hard for me to write, didn't want to say goodbye to Julia and Larry, that's part of the reason for the title, Bittersweet Victory. That's kind of silly isn't it?
Thanks again for your review, take care.
-
Not silly at all.
Comment from hvysmker
Rachel
Joe and I had just finished watching the last of the tapes when we hear a loud commotion
*** have
He didn't respond.
*** doesn't
--------------
"Michaels, man come on, wake up."
"What happened?" he groggily asks.
*** his partner asks, rubbing his eyes.
"Yes, evidently, someone paid the ME to falsify the records."
*** I think that's a toughie. The ME would be taking a huge chance with his job and freedom by agreeing. Something like that couldn't be kept a secret for long, especially if the newspapers got hold of it. "Dead Family Turns Up Alive. Whose Corpses Are Buried in That Grave? Was It A Mafia Hit?" Maybe a hospital clerk made a typo and was mixed up? Another dead family is listed as simply missing and in their morgue drawers? Someone may have paid that clerk instead of the ME, and hidden his real family for some nefarious reason? Recently, they escaped or were set free?
"She'd get everything I own if I go to jail.
*** How does THAT work? I'd think only on a divorce and probably not even then.
Nodding I continue.
*** Comma after "Nodding".
Now you can see that I'm not the bitter old man, you think I am, without a life or purpose.
*** I'd drop that first coma?
Lauren is sitting beside him her head against his shoulder.
*** Comma between "him" and "her"?
That last section seemed extremely rushed?
Charlie
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
|
Rachel
Joe and I had just finished watching the last of the tapes when we hear a loud commotion
*** have
He didn't respond.
*** doesn't
--------------
"Michaels, man come on, wake up."
"What happened?" he groggily asks.
*** his partner asks, rubbing his eyes.
"Yes, evidently, someone paid the ME to falsify the records."
*** I think that's a toughie. The ME would be taking a huge chance with his job and freedom by agreeing. Something like that couldn't be kept a secret for long, especially if the newspapers got hold of it. "Dead Family Turns Up Alive. Whose Corpses Are Buried in That Grave? Was It A Mafia Hit?" Maybe a hospital clerk made a typo and was mixed up? Another dead family is listed as simply missing and in their morgue drawers? Someone may have paid that clerk instead of the ME, and hidden his real family for some nefarious reason? Recently, they escaped or were set free?
"She'd get everything I own if I go to jail.
*** How does THAT work? I'd think only on a divorce and probably not even then.
Nodding I continue.
*** Comma after "Nodding".
Now you can see that I'm not the bitter old man, you think I am, without a life or purpose.
*** I'd drop that first coma?
Lauren is sitting beside him her head against his shoulder.
*** Comma between "him" and "her"?
That last section seemed extremely rushed?
Charlie
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your nice review. I fixed all the errors. About the divorce, I'm going to go back fix it to where he had a little but it was soon gone. You said the ending seems rushed, where does it start to feel rushed to you?
Thanks again for all of your help and support, take care.
-
On that last page or so that reads like a summary.
Charlie
-
I'll work on that, thanks for pointing that out.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks Julia per expertise did not like to procrastinate giving time for destruction of proofs; killing was not so easy; and Larry wanted Julia to forgive him; bittersweet matter to the cause of justice; I liked.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
|
This speaks Julia per expertise did not like to procrastinate giving time for destruction of proofs; killing was not so easy; and Larry wanted Julia to forgive him; bittersweet matter to the cause of justice; I liked.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your kind review and for sticking with me through the story. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you again for all of your support, take care.
