Haiku Club Challenges, Book II
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "haiku (black bird sings)"an anthology of haiku written by fanstory poets
18 total reviews
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Gypsy;
-from the looks of your picture of the blackbird, it seems that the bird has speckles on its breast and tail which conclude that it's still a young bird which would seem why it would be so lonely from its mother. Because it tags along with its mother for at least three or four months. Or maybe totally wrong and this is a different type of blackbird.
-Good description of your first two thematically connected lines which express the actions of the birds singing alone in an Oaktree.
-"sounds of loneliness" is an excellent satori and reflects the conceptual theme of the writing or haiku and gives the writing that aha moment.
-I was just wondering if you use the words alone and loneliness in the same haiku and I was wondering if another word could be substituted for that so wouldn't be looking so redundant. Just a suggestion. Something like it. The blackbird sings a "faraway tune in oak tree". Just a suggestion.
-Thanks for sharing and take care and have a good one.
Alex
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2017
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Cheers, Gypsy;
-from the looks of your picture of the blackbird, it seems that the bird has speckles on its breast and tail which conclude that it's still a young bird which would seem why it would be so lonely from its mother. Because it tags along with its mother for at least three or four months. Or maybe totally wrong and this is a different type of blackbird.
-Good description of your first two thematically connected lines which express the actions of the birds singing alone in an Oaktree.
-"sounds of loneliness" is an excellent satori and reflects the conceptual theme of the writing or haiku and gives the writing that aha moment.
-I was just wondering if you use the words alone and loneliness in the same haiku and I was wondering if another word could be substituted for that so wouldn't be looking so redundant. Just a suggestion. Something like it. The blackbird sings a "faraway tune in oak tree". Just a suggestion.
-Thanks for sharing and take care and have a good one.
Alex
Comment Written 10-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2017
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Thank you your poem about the review and kind words.
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You are very welcome, Gypsy.
Alex
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You're very welcome Gypsy.
Alex
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes my friend well written about the black bird in this case a fine representation of loneliness a very eerie haiku that is very well presented I enjoyed well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Yes my friend well written about the black bird in this case a fine representation of loneliness a very eerie haiku that is very well presented I enjoyed well done regards Jill
Comment Written 10-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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thank you very much Jill :)
Comment from MizKat
Hi Gypsy,
What a nice picture of the black bird singing.
Seeing it is really nice.
I'm glad that it's happy not lonely like me.
Kat
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Hi Gypsy,
What a nice picture of the black bird singing.
Seeing it is really nice.
I'm glad that it's happy not lonely like me.
Kat
Comment Written 10-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review, Kat.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi Gypsy; what a wonderful presentation of this stark and lonely poem. I could feel the emotion in that woeful song. It stood for all of the lonely people in the world to me.
Well done,
~patty~
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Hi Gypsy; what a wonderful presentation of this stark and lonely poem. I could feel the emotion in that woeful song. It stood for all of the lonely people in the world to me.
Well done,
~patty~
Comment Written 10-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words sweetie pie.
Comment from DR DIP
Nice write gypsy although the use of alone and loneliness might be worth looking at revisiting hey just my opinion.
What about
black bird sings
solo on the bare oak tree--
sound of loneliness
just a thought
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Nice write gypsy although the use of alone and loneliness might be worth looking at revisiting hey just my opinion.
What about
black bird sings
solo on the bare oak tree--
sound of loneliness
just a thought
Comment Written 10-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words.
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not a good suggestion? would have thought you would have explained your reasoning . it might help me understand haiku more.
respectfully dip
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Thank you for the suggestion but I like alone better.
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sweet, as I said it was just an observation of how I saw it. it's your poem
Its funny I too hate people that try and rearrange my poetry so I know how this review might have offended I apologize
I'll stick to rhyme lol
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Gypsy, you have once again painted a wonderful picture through this Haiku,
a sublime image of a blackbird singing away in solitude.
Absolutely lovely
Mitchell
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Gypsy, you have once again painted a wonderful picture through this Haiku,
a sublime image of a blackbird singing away in solitude.
Absolutely lovely
Mitchell
Comment Written 10-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words.
Comment from Joan E.
We are in Denali National Park and have seen lots of ravens but no oak trees. I enjoyed your use of alliteration and your evocative satori in this 3-7-5 haiku. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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We are in Denali National Park and have seen lots of ravens but no oak trees. I enjoyed your use of alliteration and your evocative satori in this 3-7-5 haiku. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words sweetie pie.
Comment from royowen
Another excellent penning of this haiku,
written in your own classic style,
that is your own self designed and styled
Genre. I love the sheer hauntingly sad satori
applied to this haiku.
Well done, Gypsy, great presentation,
Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Another excellent penning of this haiku,
written in your own classic style,
that is your own self designed and styled
Genre. I love the sheer hauntingly sad satori
applied to this haiku.
Well done, Gypsy, great presentation,
Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello Sister,
No critique only observations ...
"black bird sings" - of course it had to be a black bird. They are pesky little creatures aren't they.
"alone on the bare oak tree" - lonely is a choice. Oak is strong so this is about a strong woman / man who chooses the path they take and not accepting the pretty little stories we like to tell each other, rather still looking for the truth in the other.
"sound of loneliness" - nothing worse than that sound, but worth waiting for the right situation that may not be perfection, but closer to the necessity of what's needed.
Have no idea if this is correct in your own thoughts, but it did make this reader think. Always a good thing. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Hello Sister,
No critique only observations ...
"black bird sings" - of course it had to be a black bird. They are pesky little creatures aren't they.
"alone on the bare oak tree" - lonely is a choice. Oak is strong so this is about a strong woman / man who chooses the path they take and not accepting the pretty little stories we like to tell each other, rather still looking for the truth in the other.
"sound of loneliness" - nothing worse than that sound, but worth waiting for the right situation that may not be perfection, but closer to the necessity of what's needed.
Have no idea if this is correct in your own thoughts, but it did make this reader think. Always a good thing. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words sweetie pie.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I finally wrote one that so far I have yet to change. First in 50.lol
Love the interconnecting lines pictures the black bird in winter, calling for a mate or the lone one left in the area. Then the satori of loneliness
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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I finally wrote one that so far I have yet to change. First in 50.lol
Love the interconnecting lines pictures the black bird in winter, calling for a mate or the lone one left in the area. Then the satori of loneliness
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words sweetie pie.
