Boiler Room
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Section 2 - Part 2: Ghost Sighting"Cody's worst nightmare from Hell becomes reality!
11 total reviews
Comment from MizKat
this is very good. Everything you write is wonderful. What you wrote sounds like something I've read before though. Keep writing and I'll
keep reading. Kat
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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this is very good. Everything you write is wonderful. What you wrote sounds like something I've read before though. Keep writing and I'll
keep reading. Kat
Comment Written 12-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Your comments and support are appreciated.
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I like to read what you write. Kat
Comment from Ricky1024
"Well, it looks like a day by the Lake...
"Followed by Pepsi's and Moon Pie's are during out to be Cody Schroder's...
"Anthony Earl Schroder Nightmare at...
"Buck and Does Shoppette?"
Nice I liked.
Dr. Ricky 1024.
Now to review the new one!
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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"Well, it looks like a day by the Lake...
"Followed by Pepsi's and Moon Pie's are during out to be Cody Schroder's...
"Anthony Earl Schroder Nightmare at...
"Buck and Does Shoppette?"
Nice I liked.
Dr. Ricky 1024.
Now to review the new one!
Comment Written 12-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Thanks.
Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Sankey
Looks like a tour back into the past, or another Cody adventure. Seeing his father again huh! Good work mate. Thanks for the excitement. Keep at it. One of my favourite stories.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Looks like a tour back into the past, or another Cody adventure. Seeing his father again huh! Good work mate. Thanks for the excitement. Keep at it. One of my favourite stories.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Your comments, support, and reviews appreciated.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Brett. I am one who like the little tid bits of Cody and what he is up too. I'm not sure who this ghost is going to be but I did like that Cody and his mate are true mates and stick together. Another great write. xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Hi Brett. I am one who like the little tid bits of Cody and what he is up too. I'm not sure who this ghost is going to be but I did like that Cody and his mate are true mates and stick together. Another great write. xoxo deborah
Comment Written 12-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Your comments, support, and reviews appreciated.
Comment from Rasmine
Brett,
You ended it really ominously that leaves the reader wanting more. I want to know who Earl Anthony Schroder, is. How about the other story about the kidnapping?
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Brett,
You ended it really ominously that leaves the reader wanting more. I want to know who Earl Anthony Schroder, is. How about the other story about the kidnapping?
Comment Written 12-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Much more to come with both books so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from emptypage
I like this piece, with the relationship between the boys.
I've got a concern you may not want to hear, but here goes. Sometimes in the middle of describing what's happening, you get too clinical. It's as if the writing is dome by one person or voice and then another steps in. An example? The last paragraph, where you wrote, " Cody whacked the middle of his forehead hard against the edge of the formica-topped counter on his descent. Blood oozed out of the gash the fall created. Stitches would be required. "
It's great until you write "Stitched would be required."
Who says so? All the other narration here is solid and rings true. Anyone can know from looking that a person whacked his head. Anyone could see blood oozing out. But only a health professional, in most instances, would know that "stitched would be required." I think this is a place where "show, don't tell" is critical. You can have a doctor say it in the next chapter, or have Cody appear in the next scene with the stitches, but to KNOW that stitches would be required changes the nature of the narration and it is the kind of thing editors know will trip up the reader.
Solid chapter, even fun.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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I like this piece, with the relationship between the boys.
I've got a concern you may not want to hear, but here goes. Sometimes in the middle of describing what's happening, you get too clinical. It's as if the writing is dome by one person or voice and then another steps in. An example? The last paragraph, where you wrote, " Cody whacked the middle of his forehead hard against the edge of the formica-topped counter on his descent. Blood oozed out of the gash the fall created. Stitches would be required. "
It's great until you write "Stitched would be required."
Who says so? All the other narration here is solid and rings true. Anyone can know from looking that a person whacked his head. Anyone could see blood oozing out. But only a health professional, in most instances, would know that "stitched would be required." I think this is a place where "show, don't tell" is critical. You can have a doctor say it in the next chapter, or have Cody appear in the next scene with the stitches, but to KNOW that stitches would be required changes the nature of the narration and it is the kind of thing editors know will trip up the reader.
Solid chapter, even fun.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate your comments, support, and reviews.
Comment from smbau
You story plot is based on the main character ability to see ghost. In this chapter Cody experience the ghost sighting and he does not know what to say or do. He fell and hurt himself...thus living the readers in suspense. Granted short stories a great, yet I recommend at least no between 600-1000 words where you introduce the conflict as you develop your characters towards a set goal.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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You story plot is based on the main character ability to see ghost. In this chapter Cody experience the ghost sighting and he does not know what to say or do. He fell and hurt himself...thus living the readers in suspense. Granted short stories a great, yet I recommend at least no between 600-1000 words where you introduce the conflict as you develop your characters towards a set goal.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this part of the story.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Mustang Patty
An interesting chapter. I'm concerned about Cody and his attitude about his juvenile diabetes though - I've seen too many people die by ignoring their doctor's orders.
Back to the story, you have written an excellent part and gave us details of the store and its delights; now we just have to wait to see how bad Cody is hurt, and who this guy is,
~patty~
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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An interesting chapter. I'm concerned about Cody and his attitude about his juvenile diabetes though - I've seen too many people die by ignoring their doctor's orders.
Back to the story, you have written an excellent part and gave us details of the store and its delights; now we just have to wait to see how bad Cody is hurt, and who this guy is,
~patty~
Comment Written 11-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
Appreciate your comments, support, and reviews.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from mmonaghan777
Very nice. Now I have to find out if Cody is ok and what he fainted for. You are right feeding only a few "tidbits" at a time. It makes me want to read more.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Very nice. Now I have to find out if Cody is ok and what he fainted for. You are right feeding only a few "tidbits" at a time. It makes me want to read more.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from AnnieDawn
Great story and well written. I would follow the story with interest. It seems to be a teen story but not to far off to catch an adult interest too. I have a couple of minor suggestions for grammar but otherwise a perfect chapter.
He noticed several egrets wade among the reeds and rushes .(Putting 'ing' on the word 'wading' makes the sentence flow better.
Let's go get a couple Pepsis (rewording this portion of your sentence 'lets go get a couple of Pepsi's' or you could put sodas )
Great job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Great story and well written. I would follow the story with interest. It seems to be a teen story but not to far off to catch an adult interest too. I have a couple of minor suggestions for grammar but otherwise a perfect chapter.
He noticed several egrets wade among the reeds and rushes .(Putting 'ing' on the word 'wading' makes the sentence flow better.
Let's go get a couple Pepsis (rewording this portion of your sentence 'lets go get a couple of Pepsi's' or you could put sodas )
Great job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter of my book.
Appreciate your thoughtful review and support.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
