The Seasons
Exploring the beauty, wonder, and mystery of each season.22 total reviews
Comment from rjuselius
wow, goddamn! this is a beautiful piece of poetry dear analie! the imagery takes your breath away and the wording is just spot on.
thank you for sharing! this should do well.
good luck!
blessings and a big squeeze!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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wow, goddamn! this is a beautiful piece of poetry dear analie! the imagery takes your breath away and the wording is just spot on.
thank you for sharing! this should do well.
good luck!
blessings and a big squeeze!
rebekka x
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Well, thank you, thank you, thank you! What a very nice upbeat and positive review. You made my day ... big squeeze back at ya!
Analie
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Reading again with a fresh eye and considering your intent with the form, I find this flows just as you wished and I like it better today. I can't recall the previous version to compare, but the gerunds did not stand out as much on today's read. The flow is silky read aloud. Nice work.
Two suggestions:
Autumn,(NO COMMA) mysteriously falls into fullness
The word RESTS should drop the 's':
shadows of hidden promise
Rests now
...shadows of hidden promise
Rest now...
First review
Nice idea to spell out seasons for the acrostic contest. Warm welcome to Fanstory, by the way.
I love the tone of this and the delicious imagery and phonetics. However, I think there is room for improvement int terms of reducing the overuse of gerunds (words ending in ING) and adverbs (words ending in LY). Normally I might give four stars for a poem with this many issues, but since most of my suggestions are a matter of taste and style, and this (if revised) has some six-star potential, I am giving five.
For example, the word SOFTLY is superfluous here:
Purity softly creeping on velvet feet
... because creeping and velvet already imply it. 'Showing' is better than 'telling'.
Purity creeps on velvet feet
...is much stronger line (I opine)
here, the adverbs and gerunds are fine:
Raining gently, green falling on field and glen
Inciting all to mirth and joy, calling, beckoning
Neither want nor sorrow has a place
Gathering, gathering strength from days of tender promise
Nicely voiced with alliteration of B and D and consonance of F:
Summer, bold it breaks upon the dawn
Unfurling, day by day, its ardor, full and heavy
I like the alliteration of M, L, G, S, and continued D & B here too, plus consonance of S:
Measuring the moments with buzzing, humming, incessant life
Melting desire, bequeathing lazy, spinning hours of golden warmth
Enveloping intentions, replacing all with drowsy submission
Ripening, growing, growing, giving without guile
However, the overuse of gerunds weakens the above lines. Here are some ideas:
Measuring moments with buzzes and hums of incessant life
Melting desire bequeaths lazy, spinning hours of golden warmth
Enveloping intentions, replacing all with drowsy submission
Ripening to grow... growing, giving without guile
*
Autumn, mysteriously falling into fullness
nice but here is an idea
Mysterious Autumn falls into fullness
LOVE THIS LINE:
Unending glory from the auguring of primal innocence
Lovely:
Nature's last embrace, falling, falling--waning splendor
But falling is already used a lot..so maybe try a synonym? Cascading, for example.
* This is my favorite stanza:
Winter, hushed and still, asking nothing.
Icy tranquility, covering memory and expectations
Night encroaching, insipid gloom seeping, penetrating
Twisted shapes against a grey, grey sky--all void of life
Eternity within a crystal moment, shadows of hidden promise
Resting now, waiting, waiting in silent obscurity
It is the most dramatic and poetic of them all. A potent closing note. However, the overuse of gerunds weakens the voicing. Here is an example edit with more active verbs and fewer unnecessary comes so you can compare (please read both aloud to decide):
Winter, hushed and still, asks nothing.
Icy tranquility covers memory and expectations.
Night encroaches--insipid gloom seeps, penetrating
Twisted shapes against a grey, grey sky--all void of life
Eternity within a crystal moment, shadows of hidden promise
Rest now, waiting, waiting in silent obscurity
My only other suggestion (totally optional) is to not cap every line. Because not using end-line punctuation, using caps only on new sentences would help the reader know the flow of enjambment. Example on last stanza:
Winter, hushed and still, asks nothing.
Icy tranquility covers memory and expectations
Night encroaches--insipid gloom seeps, penetrating
twisted shapes against a grey, grey sky--all void of life.
Eternity within a crystal moment, shadows of hidden promise
rest now, waiting, waiting in silent obscurity
Enjoyed your phrasing, phonetics, themes and imagery.
Nice work.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Second review
Reading again with a fresh eye and considering your intent with the form, I find this flows just as you wished and I like it better today. I can't recall the previous version to compare, but the gerunds did not stand out as much on today's read. The flow is silky read aloud. Nice work.
Two suggestions:
Autumn,(NO COMMA) mysteriously falls into fullness
The word RESTS should drop the 's':
shadows of hidden promise
Rests now
...shadows of hidden promise
Rest now...
First review
Nice idea to spell out seasons for the acrostic contest. Warm welcome to Fanstory, by the way.
I love the tone of this and the delicious imagery and phonetics. However, I think there is room for improvement int terms of reducing the overuse of gerunds (words ending in ING) and adverbs (words ending in LY). Normally I might give four stars for a poem with this many issues, but since most of my suggestions are a matter of taste and style, and this (if revised) has some six-star potential, I am giving five.
For example, the word SOFTLY is superfluous here:
Purity softly creeping on velvet feet
... because creeping and velvet already imply it. 'Showing' is better than 'telling'.
Purity creeps on velvet feet
...is much stronger line (I opine)
here, the adverbs and gerunds are fine:
Raining gently, green falling on field and glen
Inciting all to mirth and joy, calling, beckoning
Neither want nor sorrow has a place
Gathering, gathering strength from days of tender promise
Nicely voiced with alliteration of B and D and consonance of F:
Summer, bold it breaks upon the dawn
Unfurling, day by day, its ardor, full and heavy
I like the alliteration of M, L, G, S, and continued D & B here too, plus consonance of S:
Measuring the moments with buzzing, humming, incessant life
Melting desire, bequeathing lazy, spinning hours of golden warmth
Enveloping intentions, replacing all with drowsy submission
Ripening, growing, growing, giving without guile
However, the overuse of gerunds weakens the above lines. Here are some ideas:
Measuring moments with buzzes and hums of incessant life
Melting desire bequeaths lazy, spinning hours of golden warmth
Enveloping intentions, replacing all with drowsy submission
Ripening to grow... growing, giving without guile
*
Autumn, mysteriously falling into fullness
nice but here is an idea
Mysterious Autumn falls into fullness
LOVE THIS LINE:
Unending glory from the auguring of primal innocence
Lovely:
Nature's last embrace, falling, falling--waning splendor
But falling is already used a lot..so maybe try a synonym? Cascading, for example.
* This is my favorite stanza:
Winter, hushed and still, asking nothing.
Icy tranquility, covering memory and expectations
Night encroaching, insipid gloom seeping, penetrating
Twisted shapes against a grey, grey sky--all void of life
Eternity within a crystal moment, shadows of hidden promise
Resting now, waiting, waiting in silent obscurity
It is the most dramatic and poetic of them all. A potent closing note. However, the overuse of gerunds weakens the voicing. Here is an example edit with more active verbs and fewer unnecessary comes so you can compare (please read both aloud to decide):
Winter, hushed and still, asks nothing.
Icy tranquility covers memory and expectations.
Night encroaches--insipid gloom seeps, penetrating
Twisted shapes against a grey, grey sky--all void of life
Eternity within a crystal moment, shadows of hidden promise
Rest now, waiting, waiting in silent obscurity
My only other suggestion (totally optional) is to not cap every line. Because not using end-line punctuation, using caps only on new sentences would help the reader know the flow of enjambment. Example on last stanza:
Winter, hushed and still, asks nothing.
Icy tranquility covers memory and expectations
Night encroaches--insipid gloom seeps, penetrating
twisted shapes against a grey, grey sky--all void of life.
Eternity within a crystal moment, shadows of hidden promise
rest now, waiting, waiting in silent obscurity
Enjoyed your phrasing, phonetics, themes and imagery.
Nice work.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Thank you for this very wonderful review and the time you took to go over your suggestions so carefully, and in such great depth.
So, I would love to further explore this with you, if you are willing? ... and start with my explaining my intention in writing as I did. I smile at myself in this, because my intentions are somewhat insignificant if the reader does not take away what I intended!
However, to further the conversation - I wanted the feeling of things constantly moving forward, and thus the overuse of gerunds. I wanted to suggest the never ending cycle of the year and that each season is, in part, a preparation for the next.
This was also my reason for not using periods ... I wanted one line to almost become a part of the next, so that the poems imagery had somewhat of a never quite static quality. Also, hence, the repeated word in the final line of each stanza ... always moving forward.
You did, in your suggestions, what I almost did many times. You rearranged words so that the first letters no longer spelled Autumn. Ah, the restraints of an acrostic poem!
I am going to try and work some of your suggestions into the piece, because I really think you have a good point. But, I am wondering what you think of my reasons for writing as I did, and if it changes your opinion at all.
Please look for my revisions, and if you will, give me more feedback. I sincerely appreciate what you have to say and feel we all have much to learn. I try very hard to put my ego to the side and am always open to growing as a writer. Of course I am very pleased with the rating you gave!
Thank you again, Analie
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Thanks for your gracious and mature response, dear new friend! I am happy to see a more serious writer like you joining our site, which has changed over the years (many of the more serious members are gone but there are enough left to make it worth it, and everyone is friendly, even if not serious, for the most part).
I love the inter-connectivity ideas. I do think the gerunds contribute to that flow but, overdone, they weaken the poem. So balance is my recommendation. Not using periods also is fine.
I forgot it was acrostic when reviewing. Oops! But that's a good sign, as the acrostic aspect should not overpower the poem, and yours did not. :-)
I gave the rating because your poem does work fine as it is. My suggestions were not 'corrections'. But I do think it has six-caliber potential if fine tuned.
I will make a second review momentarily...look for it on top of first review.
Warmest smiles, rd
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Thank you for your kind appreciation of my writing. I must admit, I have been somewhat discouraged by what seems to be a lack of serious writers on this site. It is nice to find a kindred spirit!
As to your suggestions: Rests is referring to Eternity. Guess that wasn't how it read, but it is how I intended it. Oh bother!
The other suggestion: Each stanza follows a pattern, ie. Spring, xxxx Summer, xxxx Autumn, xxxx Winter, xxxx. So, I have a question ... do you think the pattern is important and worth preserving? Or more important to be grammatically accurate. I'm a little stumped, but am leaning towards preserving the pattern.
Am I making sense??
Blessings, Analie
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Thanks for your gracious response, dear. I think the pattern is not essential if it hinders grammar. On the other hand, the pattern shows how all the seasons have thier time. My advise is to go with whatever resonates with your muse. :)
Poetic license permits non-grammatical lines in poetry. But it takes mastery to do that effectively without weakening the poem.
Nice to find a kindred spirit too! :)
There are still a handful of serious writers here, and new ones can join any time. But, unfortunately, the majority leans toward a 'vanity site' style nowadays. It was not like that when I first joined. However, because of the contests, etc. Fanstory has more activity than some of the other sites I've explored.
The good news is: many of the members who left did so because they were pursuing publication...
Blessings, rd
Comment from Bard's Bride
Wow. If there was a 7th star, I'd rate this poem with it.
Didn't know it was an agnostic till the end and was confused about the punctuation but the effect is stunning. It reads like one long run-on sentence that flows perfectly from beginning to end. I'd quote my favourite lines but I like them all.
Exceptional on all levels.
Thanks for this amazing piece!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Wow. If there was a 7th star, I'd rate this poem with it.
Didn't know it was an agnostic till the end and was confused about the punctuation but the effect is stunning. It reads like one long run-on sentence that flows perfectly from beginning to end. I'd quote my favourite lines but I like them all.
Exceptional on all levels.
Thanks for this amazing piece!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Thank you! I am humbled by your kind remarks, and your rating is so appreciated. Yes, punctuation can be tricky when trying to give the very effect you realized ... one long sentence, flowing one into the other ... just like the seasons! Thank you again!
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Well deserved. The pleasure wall all e
Comment from Irish Rain
Beautiful acrostic entry!! I love all of them, but most especially the autumn and the winter. The autumn, I come alive!! The winter....I just count my blessings. Loved this!!! Blessings...
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Beautiful acrostic entry!! I love all of them, but most especially the autumn and the winter. The autumn, I come alive!! The winter....I just count my blessings. Loved this!!! Blessings...
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much! I agree ... Autumn is almost a time of rebirth for me each year. Thank you for a lovely review. Analie
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Me too!! My favorite time!!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written acrostic poem, using the seasons of Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter to give each season's best attributes and how we experience each season.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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A very well-written acrostic poem, using the seasons of Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter to give each season's best attributes and how we experience each season.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the lovely review! Analie
Comment from nbonner
This has a deep meaning. I love the metaphors used in this poem. I was a little lost in the middle but easily picked back up towards the end. Thank you for sharing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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This has a deep meaning. I love the metaphors used in this poem. I was a little lost in the middle but easily picked back up towards the end. Thank you for sharing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the thoughtful review. Funny how something can seem so clear to the writer, but is still confusing for the reader. Would love to know at what point I lost you ... and where it caught you again. Thank you again!
Comment from Possummagic
Very nicely written. I realised it was an Arcrostic poem then realised that you had applied it to all four seasons. What a novel idea. I enjoyed reading your work. Good luck for the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Very nicely written. I realised it was an Arcrostic poem then realised that you had applied it to all four seasons. What a novel idea. I enjoyed reading your work. Good luck for the contest.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the lovely review! It was fun to write ... thanks for the kind words. Analie
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You're welcome
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks how we feel and live in and what the seasons endow us for making our living in exploration of beauty, wonder and mystery of each season, and experiences in appreciation; I liked.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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This speaks how we feel and live in and what the seasons endow us for making our living in exploration of beauty, wonder and mystery of each season, and experiences in appreciation; I liked.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review!
Comment from jaded831
You made me feel the beauty of each season. I couldn't choose which one I liked best, you made each season sound eloquent. The picture compliments your words. Excellent Acrostic poem, good luck.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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You made me feel the beauty of each season. I couldn't choose which one I liked best, you made each season sound eloquent. The picture compliments your words. Excellent Acrostic poem, good luck.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for this review! I actually don't know which season I like best ...
Comment from c_lucas
Each season has its on beauty
Pleasing to the eyes a must be duty
My favorite season is not well known
It Falls into the Autumn waste basket
***
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Each season has its on beauty
Pleasing to the eyes a must be duty
My favorite season is not well known
It Falls into the Autumn waste basket
***
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review ... and the poem! So true that each season "has its own beauty"!
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You're welcome, Analie. Charlie
