Choices
For the most part - the choice is mine69 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Beautiful work. Inspired theme, strong descriptive imagery and metaphor. Great phonetics. Good flow (but needs some nit=picking on punctuation for a smoother read)...and very good rhyming.
I enjoyed your notes, too. Love dramatic skyscapes. I had a similar poetic sky experience in Colorado once. There were brooding, heavy storm clouds on one side and a rainbow and sunshine on the other. Looked like a yin-yang! IT lead me to similar thoughts. Our muses fused!
This could use some fine tuning, but I am giving five stars in advance...
NOTES
Optional suggestion:
to wildlife who are shelter(-)bound.
*
We too seek shelter from the storm(;)
with frenzied steps, we circle round
*
awestruck, we panic -- we're spellbound.
The scansion is forced on the words awestruck and spellbound. The rhyme sounds forced, though it's a good rhyme choice. Not sure how to fix it. But it would be easy to fix awestruck by changing it to "in awe". If you keep spellbound as the rhyme, maybe use HELD and no dash:
in awe, we panic, held spellbound.
Great bolts of lightning quickly dash(;)
like jagged swords(,) they break the veil --
they stab the ground with each new flash,(no ,)
as wicked winds begin to wail.
I'm swept away with each new sound
as rolling thunder passes by --
but to the west --(,) blue skies abound
with beauty(,) causing me to sigh.
* Love these lines and the rhyme pair--note one spag):
It shimmers there before my eyes(,)
like silky apricot and rose --
a scene to surely hypnotize.
Lovely closing note--and super medley of S sounds:
Sometimes a single goss'mer thread
will hold our lives in peace serene.
Enjoyed reading this aloud! Lots of fine poetic devices. Bravo.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2017
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Beautiful work. Inspired theme, strong descriptive imagery and metaphor. Great phonetics. Good flow (but needs some nit=picking on punctuation for a smoother read)...and very good rhyming.
I enjoyed your notes, too. Love dramatic skyscapes. I had a similar poetic sky experience in Colorado once. There were brooding, heavy storm clouds on one side and a rainbow and sunshine on the other. Looked like a yin-yang! IT lead me to similar thoughts. Our muses fused!
This could use some fine tuning, but I am giving five stars in advance...
NOTES
Optional suggestion:
to wildlife who are shelter(-)bound.
*
We too seek shelter from the storm(;)
with frenzied steps, we circle round
*
awestruck, we panic -- we're spellbound.
The scansion is forced on the words awestruck and spellbound. The rhyme sounds forced, though it's a good rhyme choice. Not sure how to fix it. But it would be easy to fix awestruck by changing it to "in awe". If you keep spellbound as the rhyme, maybe use HELD and no dash:
in awe, we panic, held spellbound.
Great bolts of lightning quickly dash(;)
like jagged swords(,) they break the veil --
they stab the ground with each new flash,(no ,)
as wicked winds begin to wail.
I'm swept away with each new sound
as rolling thunder passes by --
but to the west --(,) blue skies abound
with beauty(,) causing me to sigh.
* Love these lines and the rhyme pair--note one spag):
It shimmers there before my eyes(,)
like silky apricot and rose --
a scene to surely hypnotize.
Lovely closing note--and super medley of S sounds:
Sometimes a single goss'mer thread
will hold our lives in peace serene.
Enjoyed reading this aloud! Lots of fine poetic devices. Bravo.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2017
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Thank you rd for your thoughtful and encouraging review. I always wait for your review as I know that will be some excellent suggestions to make my poem better. I'm especially happy with the change in in "awe, we panic, held spellbound". I worked on that line a lot but your suggestion makes more sense.
Thanks again.
Blessings
Janet
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Thanks for your super gracious response, dear Janet. Always happy to help! So glad you're happy with that suggestion. Love and blessings, rd
Comment from Oatmeal
Jmf4119,
The arrangement is understandable and effective. This is a very detailed poem. The descriptions were well written. The flow was very good. The artwork complements your poem.
It's a very clean piece. I saw no typos or SPAG.
The words you chose worked well.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2017
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Jmf4119,
The arrangement is understandable and effective. This is a very detailed poem. The descriptions were well written. The flow was very good. The artwork complements your poem.
It's a very clean piece. I saw no typos or SPAG.
The words you chose worked well.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2017
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Thank you Oatmeal for your thoughtful and encouraging review.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Janet.
Lovely work, as always, my friend. You've got some beautiful rhymes and imagery going on here.
Isn't nature amazing? I was mowing a lawn, which was a part of one of my businesses, years ago. It was pouring rain in the house next door and I was almost sweating to death in 45C sunshine, a few feet away. Incredible what she can do.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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G'day Janet.
Lovely work, as always, my friend. You've got some beautiful rhymes and imagery going on here.
Isn't nature amazing? I was mowing a lawn, which was a part of one of my businesses, years ago. It was pouring rain in the house next door and I was almost sweating to death in 45C sunshine, a few feet away. Incredible what she can do.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you Fez for your thoughtful and most encouraging review. I really appreciate your comments. It's always a joy to hear from you.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi (*<*)
= Beautifully written.
= Here in the Arizona dessert, when we get rain, it's cause to celebrate.
= Nice rhyming--unforced. A delightful read.
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers <> Jax / Jackie
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Hi (*<*)
= Beautifully written.
= Here in the Arizona dessert, when we get rain, it's cause to celebrate.
= Nice rhyming--unforced. A delightful read.
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers <> Jax / Jackie
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your thoughtful review. I can understand your situation - rain in the dessert is reason to celebrate.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
What a magnificent analogy comparing the storm you saw to the ways we chose to travel. Excellent ABAB rhyming and very good flow
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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What a magnificent analogy comparing the storm you saw to the ways we chose to travel. Excellent ABAB rhyming and very good flow
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you Bar for your thoughtful review.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from lyenochka
Beautiful description of the dramatic storm brewing and the lovely sunset (apricot and rose). I like how the last stanza derives a spiritual lesson from the storm and that the choices can seem divided by a "gossamer thread."
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Beautiful description of the dramatic storm brewing and the lovely sunset (apricot and rose). I like how the last stanza derives a spiritual lesson from the storm and that the choices can seem divided by a "gossamer thread."
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging review.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from gsuarez
Very real, very serene interpretation of what reads to have been a very fruitful and challenging life. The rhyme and rhythm made the reading pleasant. Congrats on such an imaginative piece.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Very real, very serene interpretation of what reads to have been a very fruitful and challenging life. The rhyme and rhythm made the reading pleasant. Congrats on such an imaginative piece.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your thoughtful review.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Janet. I enjoyed your lovely rhymed poem. It has the description of the storm contrasted with the calmness of a sunset sky. Well worded with great imagery. There is a typo here:
"a scene to surly (surely) hypnotize."
Marilyn
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Hi Janet. I enjoyed your lovely rhymed poem. It has the description of the storm contrasted with the calmness of a sunset sky. Well worded with great imagery. There is a typo here:
"a scene to surly (surely) hypnotize."
Marilyn
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you Marilyn for your thoughtful and most encouraging review. I really appreciate your comments and your kind corrections. I hate when I miss those little things but happy you caught it and I was able to fix it quickly.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from Irish Rain
This is just beautiful. Yes, we do choose our directions, and sometimes our storms. Our daily bread...I like that. One suggestion...'from dark to light and between'...would sound a little better, and match the other lines....'from dark to light and in-between'...I loved this. Blessings...
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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This is just beautiful. Yes, we do choose our directions, and sometimes our storms. Our daily bread...I like that. One suggestion...'from dark to light and between'...would sound a little better, and match the other lines....'from dark to light and in-between'...I loved this. Blessings...
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your thoughtful and most encouraging review. I appreciate hearing from you.
Blessings
Janet
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Oh yes my friend this is well written full of descriptions I liked the way you compared a storm to our lives you are right it is us that make our own choices in life and it can be like a raging storm or a peaceful and serene as the setting sun I enjoyed regards Jill
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Oh yes my friend this is well written full of descriptions I liked the way you compared a storm to our lives you are right it is us that make our own choices in life and it can be like a raging storm or a peaceful and serene as the setting sun I enjoyed regards Jill
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your thoughtful and most encouraging review. I really appreciate your comments.
Blessings
Janet
