The Convict Train
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Incident at Blalock Station"Levi escorts a train full of dangerous convicts
6 total reviews
Comment from Sally Law
A marvelous opening chapter, Mr. Green. You are a wonderful writer! I'm sorry to have missed this and will make up for it. I thought I had fanned you earlier but I guess I didn't. I will take care of that right now. I love this western and the action already in play.
I have a new blind assist tool which helps me read, write and edit better. I hope to self-publish my second novella, Double Blind, this year.
I have a few small improvements for your consideration and to ready you for publishing.
-Yourselves. Typo.
-Cooperation. Typo.
-Farmhouse. Typo in one area. He looked around the edge of the [farmhouse].
-"Damn it," Sawyer whispered...." Quotation marks needed here.
-"What do you say, Sheriff?" Comma before Sheriff.
I hope this helpful and adds to your fine work. I'm looking forward to chapter two!
Sending you my best today as always and blessings for your day,
Sal XOs...
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2021
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A marvelous opening chapter, Mr. Green. You are a wonderful writer! I'm sorry to have missed this and will make up for it. I thought I had fanned you earlier but I guess I didn't. I will take care of that right now. I love this western and the action already in play.
I have a new blind assist tool which helps me read, write and edit better. I hope to self-publish my second novella, Double Blind, this year.
I have a few small improvements for your consideration and to ready you for publishing.
-Yourselves. Typo.
-Cooperation. Typo.
-Farmhouse. Typo in one area. He looked around the edge of the [farmhouse].
-"Damn it," Sawyer whispered...." Quotation marks needed here.
-"What do you say, Sheriff?" Comma before Sheriff.
I hope this helpful and adds to your fine work. I'm looking forward to chapter two!
Sending you my best today as always and blessings for your day,
Sal XOs...
Comment Written 01-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2021
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Thank you Sally. A while back, I had this entire book edited by someone much better than I am. After working out the edits, and other critics, and re-writes, I had "The Convict Train" published on April 4th. 2019. With this Covid-19 environment, I haven't done much with the marketing end yet, but it has been received real well locally, so far. It is the last book in a trilogy about the character, Levi Sawyer. They are on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I am trying to write differently now, but I have been asked to write one last book about the characters Casper Hayes and Badger. I am giving it some thought. Thank you very much for your kind review and suggestions. Mr. Green
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I'm so glad if it helped and moved you to easier publishing. I plan on copying and pasting most of Double Blind into my edit for publishing. It's nice to have most everything corrected on this side before I begin with the final edit. My eyesight is nearly gone and this is very taxing for me. I hope to help everyone while I can. Blessings always,
Sal :))
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I am still getting injections in my eyes. I have good days and frustrating days because keeping them focused on one thing for a long period of time can be a challenge. They get tired easily.
I tell you this because I can in a small way, relate to what you are going through. That being said, I have found your knowledge and your talent so valuable. You are truly an exceptional writer. I am sure the same is true of you, as a person. Bless you, and take care.
Comment from robyn corum
Mr. Green,
I love westerns, so I really enjoyed reading this story. It sounds like it should be very interesting to follow. My only negative comments are mostly about some of the grammar. I've made notes below in an effort to help.
Notes:
1.) Levi Sawyer was questioning the wisdom of taking the (s)heriff's job as the dull thud
--> you only capitalize when it's a direct reference.
2.) Two brothers wanted for robbing the (s)tage six weeks ago
--> only proper nouns are capitalized
3.) "I'm here to arrest you for the (s)tage hold-up and
4.) He paused for a response(. W)hen there was none, he called out again.
--> be careful of run-on sentences.
5.) The lone figure took cover behind a large (c)ottonwood.
6.) he knew his (d)eputy and the posse had to have heard the gun fire.
7.) He was a damn good (d)eputy, with good instincts.
8.) But then, anyone (who) came recommended by ole Badger had to be good people.
--> when referring to humans, it's 'who'
9.) fired twice as he got to his knees and ran to a nearby tree.
--> he can't run on his knees - needs more clarity
10.) Sawyer tried to locate the man hiding among the shadows(. A)nother bullet tore a branch
11.) man dove behind some fallen timber(. A)t the same time Sawyer had to get closer to the house.
12.) "It is Harvey I'm talking to right(?)" He waited.
13.) Sawyer waited quietly(. H)e said nothing. Watching the location
14.) it was just a matter of minutes now, and they would have Sheriff Sawyer pinned
--> this is told from Sawyer's point of view. He wouldn't refer to himself as 'Sheriff Sawyer'. Remember to stay in the same pov. You can only talk about what Sawyer can see, hear, taste, etc.
15.) Sawyer saw him too, he took aim, Harvey Shepard quickly did the same,
--> Sawyer can't know that Harvey is taking aim. He isn't there with him and (I do't think) can't see him
16.) Leland Shepard smiled, he was proud of his younger brother.
--> same. Stay in Sawyer's pov, please
Hope this helps! Good luck with your story!
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Mr. Green,
I love westerns, so I really enjoyed reading this story. It sounds like it should be very interesting to follow. My only negative comments are mostly about some of the grammar. I've made notes below in an effort to help.
Notes:
1.) Levi Sawyer was questioning the wisdom of taking the (s)heriff's job as the dull thud
--> you only capitalize when it's a direct reference.
2.) Two brothers wanted for robbing the (s)tage six weeks ago
--> only proper nouns are capitalized
3.) "I'm here to arrest you for the (s)tage hold-up and
4.) He paused for a response(. W)hen there was none, he called out again.
--> be careful of run-on sentences.
5.) The lone figure took cover behind a large (c)ottonwood.
6.) he knew his (d)eputy and the posse had to have heard the gun fire.
7.) He was a damn good (d)eputy, with good instincts.
8.) But then, anyone (who) came recommended by ole Badger had to be good people.
--> when referring to humans, it's 'who'
9.) fired twice as he got to his knees and ran to a nearby tree.
--> he can't run on his knees - needs more clarity
10.) Sawyer tried to locate the man hiding among the shadows(. A)nother bullet tore a branch
11.) man dove behind some fallen timber(. A)t the same time Sawyer had to get closer to the house.
12.) "It is Harvey I'm talking to right(?)" He waited.
13.) Sawyer waited quietly(. H)e said nothing. Watching the location
14.) it was just a matter of minutes now, and they would have Sheriff Sawyer pinned
--> this is told from Sawyer's point of view. He wouldn't refer to himself as 'Sheriff Sawyer'. Remember to stay in the same pov. You can only talk about what Sawyer can see, hear, taste, etc.
15.) Sawyer saw him too, he took aim, Harvey Shepard quickly did the same,
--> Sawyer can't know that Harvey is taking aim. He isn't there with him and (I do't think) can't see him
16.) Leland Shepard smiled, he was proud of his younger brother.
--> same. Stay in Sawyer's pov, please
Hope this helps! Good luck with your story!
Comment Written 18-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Hi Robyn, I don't know how to print reviews, and this review was important to me so I kept it without responding. When I respond, the review disappears. Thank you very much for your kind and honest review. I can't afford to go to college, so this is my education in writing. I enjoy telling stories, but I have a lot to learn, and I will continue to work on this.
Comment from c_lucas
An important part of posting is to use a prose Treasure Chest. It will give you more reviewers. The Leprechaun will give your reviewer a chance to earn more money. I have donated one of each to your post. Also I have given you a banner which will help to advertise your post.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2017
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An important part of posting is to use a prose Treasure Chest. It will give you more reviewers. The Leprechaun will give your reviewer a chance to earn more money. I have donated one of each to your post. Also I have given you a banner which will help to advertise your post.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2017
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Thank you. While I have been with FanStory for a while now, I still have a lot to learn about how things work best, when posting . I greatly appreciate your advise.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I don't think Levi will be cashing in just yet.They might have him surrounded,, but I know old Fuzzy will show up just in time. He is wounded though so Fuzzy had better get trucking. I am happy to see the western again. I like Levi Sawyer. Nancy
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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I don't think Levi will be cashing in just yet.They might have him surrounded,, but I know old Fuzzy will show up just in time. He is wounded though so Fuzzy had better get trucking. I am happy to see the western again. I like Levi Sawyer. Nancy
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Thanks Nancy, I always return to my computer after writing something looking for your review / comments. I have most of this book worked out, there are always some suttle changes that pop into my head as I get into the story, But that is part of the fun in writing. I don't even know for sure haw the story will end until that last couple of chapters. Have a great day.
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and I look for your post every morning.
Keep them coming! Nancy
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
This was the opportunity Harvey was waiting for. He took off running into the trees, as quickly as he could. He was running in the opposite direction his older brother had gone. The young outlaw knew it was just a matter of minutes now, and they would have Sheriff Sawyer pinned down from both sides.
He looked through the trees, patiently planning his next move when he saw Leland running to a nearby tree. Sawyer took aim, Harvey Shepard quickly did the same, and fired his rifle. The bullet struck the steel rim of the wagon wheel and ricocheted off. Sawyer flinched and his round went high into the trees.
Realiz(s)ing the outlaws were approaching from both sides now, Sawyer couched as low as he could behind the wagon and paused to make sure that his revolver was fully loaded. Leland Shepard smiled, he was proud of his younger brother. With a new found confidence he waited. Soon Levi Sawyer would be dead.....'
How thrilling! I hope you continue with this because it was absorbing and thrilling...I really look forward to reading more of your work kindest regards Meia :)
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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This was the opportunity Harvey was waiting for. He took off running into the trees, as quickly as he could. He was running in the opposite direction his older brother had gone. The young outlaw knew it was just a matter of minutes now, and they would have Sheriff Sawyer pinned down from both sides.
He looked through the trees, patiently planning his next move when he saw Leland running to a nearby tree. Sawyer took aim, Harvey Shepard quickly did the same, and fired his rifle. The bullet struck the steel rim of the wagon wheel and ricocheted off. Sawyer flinched and his round went high into the trees.
Realiz(s)ing the outlaws were approaching from both sides now, Sawyer couched as low as he could behind the wagon and paused to make sure that his revolver was fully loaded. Leland Shepard smiled, he was proud of his younger brother. With a new found confidence he waited. Soon Levi Sawyer would be dead.....'
How thrilling! I hope you continue with this because it was absorbing and thrilling...I really look forward to reading more of your work kindest regards Meia :)
Comment Written 08-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Thank you very much for your kind review. My two other Levi Sawyer books have done real well and people keep asking me when the next book will be available, so your reviews are very important to me. I want this to be the best of the three books, and learning from reviews will help me accomplish that goal.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks the fate and fortune matter of Levi Sawyer; how he is pinned down by two outlaws; in the continuous fights outlaws thought of immediate death of Sawyer; I liked.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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This speaks the fate and fortune matter of Levi Sawyer; how he is pinned down by two outlaws; in the continuous fights outlaws thought of immediate death of Sawyer; I liked.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Thank you very much for your kind review. I want this to be the best of my three books about Levi Sawyer. I hope you will offer your comments in other chapters.
