Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Killer Strikes Again"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
9 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A lot of developments and action in this instalment.
Couple of bits and pieces I saw whilst reading -
to recall what he'd showed me - shown.
Aim and shoot, aim and shoot,- maybe this should be in speech marks.
Aim and shoot I repeat, - and again here.
I noticed that you use glanced/glancing quite a bit in this chapter. Maybe vary this a bit.
"I guess," he replies, nervously fidgeting in his seat." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
phone records, see who he's been talking too recently." - talking to.
"What is it Kirk," I ask - this needs a question mark.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Hi there,
A lot of developments and action in this instalment.
Couple of bits and pieces I saw whilst reading -
to recall what he'd showed me - shown.
Aim and shoot, aim and shoot,- maybe this should be in speech marks.
Aim and shoot I repeat, - and again here.
I noticed that you use glanced/glancing quite a bit in this chapter. Maybe vary this a bit.
"I guess," he replies, nervously fidgeting in his seat." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
phone records, see who he's been talking too recently." - talking to.
"What is it Kirk," I ask - this needs a question mark.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and all of your helpful suggestions. I changed everything you suggested and substituted glancing for looking, turning towards etc..
Thank you again for all of your help it's always greatly appreciated.
Congratulations on your awards. Take care
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
An impressive chapter with tension and excitement - well written, making it a pleasure to read. I'm interested to see where this is going.
"Look, it's the killer, and she's got a gun[.](,)" A lady screams, racing to her car. - comma
"The court is in recess for one hour[.](,)" The judge states, banging his gavel on the bench. - comma
Margaret
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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An impressive chapter with tension and excitement - well written, making it a pleasure to read. I'm interested to see where this is going.
"Look, it's the killer, and she's got a gun[.](,)" A lady screams, racing to her car. - comma
"The court is in recess for one hour[.](,)" The judge states, banging his gavel on the bench. - comma
Margaret
Comment Written 03-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful review, I am so glad you enjoyed it.I do hope you come back because the drama is just beginning.
Thank's again for the wonderful review, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
More excitement than forty mice let loose in your bed sheets. Now, I'm just wondering if maybe Julia might have shot one of the Swat team or a policeman.
I found out that using the less and minus signs is a no, no on Fan Story. It's silly, but since they are HTML signs they cause the lines through text, or at least that was what Tom told me. Anyway, now I separate lines with --, and enclose [remove] or text to be removed with brackets.
Below are more notes and suggestions - as I've said, you don't necessarily need to follow my suggested changes, they are just ideas that might be helpful--of course, you are more than welcome to use any of my ideas if you would like.
(add) [remove] {just my comment}
--Larry has to represent[s] a murderer to keep his daughter alive.
--Glancing around, I realize[,] that(,) I'm lying on the dining room floor.
--Oh, my God, he found me, he finally found me[,](.) I [think,] quickly sit[ting] up.
--Millions of ideas run through my head[,] as I try to figure out what to do.
--[I need to get out of here. Scrambling to my feet, I race to the back of the house.] (Needing to get out of here, I scramble to my feet and race to the back of the house.)
--[Now, what am I going to do? I think, quickly glancing around.] (Quickly glancing around, what can I do?)
--[I hear something hard bang against the front door as I try to come up with a plan.] (Searching my mind for a plan, something bangs hard against the door.)
--[Turning, I see the flimsy frame vibrating from the impact.] (A startling impact rattles the flimsy door frame.) {Don't worry, if you haven't turned already, you will from a startling impact to the door.}
--[Running into the room, I yank the desk drawer open.] (I run to the study, yanking open the desk drawer.) {Do you recall Larry's pistol lying in the study or was it in the desk drawer?}
--["You can do this, Julia," I say, anxiously scooping up the weapon.] (I anxiously scoop up the weapon, trying to muster the needed courage.)
--[I hear a loud crash and then a set of footsteps stomping through the house.] (A loud crash is followed by footsteps stomping through the kitchen.)
--[I try to load the chamber, but my hands are trembling so badly that I'm having trouble getting the bullets into the hole.] (My trembling hands won't let me load the bullets.) {Bullets aren't loaded into the chamber on a pistol. They are loaded into a cylinder on a revolver, and magazine on a semi-automatic weapon.}
--[I can do this, I think, grabbing another bullet from the box.] {Don't need this sentence.}
--[I hear the heavy footsteps getting closer as the shell drops to the floor. Scooping up the last bullet, I try again. Dropping the metal object into the compartment, I snap the cylinder in place.] (The heavy footsteps get closer. Shaking ever harder, I drop another shell. Then, I fall to my knees, scrambling, searching the floor with my fingers to find the bullet. Not a second too soon, I scoop it up, slip it in place, and click the cylinder closed.)
--["Aim and shoot," I say.] (Reminding myself to, aim and shoot.)
--["Yes, your honor," I say, rising from my seat. Glancing at my notes, I walk towards the wooden podium.] ("Yes, your honor,"Rising from my seat and glancing at my notes as I walk toward the podium.) {Aren't all podium's wood?}
-- That's why I came in early, so I [can] (could) finish it up."
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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More excitement than forty mice let loose in your bed sheets. Now, I'm just wondering if maybe Julia might have shot one of the Swat team or a policeman.
I found out that using the less and minus signs is a no, no on Fan Story. It's silly, but since they are HTML signs they cause the lines through text, or at least that was what Tom told me. Anyway, now I separate lines with --, and enclose [remove] or text to be removed with brackets.
Below are more notes and suggestions - as I've said, you don't necessarily need to follow my suggested changes, they are just ideas that might be helpful--of course, you are more than welcome to use any of my ideas if you would like.
(add) [remove] {just my comment}
--Larry has to represent[s] a murderer to keep his daughter alive.
--Glancing around, I realize[,] that(,) I'm lying on the dining room floor.
--Oh, my God, he found me, he finally found me[,](.) I [think,] quickly sit[ting] up.
--Millions of ideas run through my head[,] as I try to figure out what to do.
--[I need to get out of here. Scrambling to my feet, I race to the back of the house.] (Needing to get out of here, I scramble to my feet and race to the back of the house.)
--[Now, what am I going to do? I think, quickly glancing around.] (Quickly glancing around, what can I do?)
--[I hear something hard bang against the front door as I try to come up with a plan.] (Searching my mind for a plan, something bangs hard against the door.)
--[Turning, I see the flimsy frame vibrating from the impact.] (A startling impact rattles the flimsy door frame.) {Don't worry, if you haven't turned already, you will from a startling impact to the door.}
--[Running into the room, I yank the desk drawer open.] (I run to the study, yanking open the desk drawer.) {Do you recall Larry's pistol lying in the study or was it in the desk drawer?}
--["You can do this, Julia," I say, anxiously scooping up the weapon.] (I anxiously scoop up the weapon, trying to muster the needed courage.)
--[I hear a loud crash and then a set of footsteps stomping through the house.] (A loud crash is followed by footsteps stomping through the kitchen.)
--[I try to load the chamber, but my hands are trembling so badly that I'm having trouble getting the bullets into the hole.] (My trembling hands won't let me load the bullets.) {Bullets aren't loaded into the chamber on a pistol. They are loaded into a cylinder on a revolver, and magazine on a semi-automatic weapon.}
--[I can do this, I think, grabbing another bullet from the box.] {Don't need this sentence.}
--[I hear the heavy footsteps getting closer as the shell drops to the floor. Scooping up the last bullet, I try again. Dropping the metal object into the compartment, I snap the cylinder in place.] (The heavy footsteps get closer. Shaking ever harder, I drop another shell. Then, I fall to my knees, scrambling, searching the floor with my fingers to find the bullet. Not a second too soon, I scoop it up, slip it in place, and click the cylinder closed.)
--["Aim and shoot," I say.] (Reminding myself to, aim and shoot.)
--["Yes, your honor," I say, rising from my seat. Glancing at my notes, I walk towards the wooden podium.] ("Yes, your honor,"Rising from my seat and glancing at my notes as I walk toward the podium.) {Aren't all podium's wood?}
-- That's why I came in early, so I [can] (could) finish it up."
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thanks for your fantastic review and all of your helpful comments. Someone else called me on the pistol thing, so I did a little research then changed it to a 32 L and R.
Thanks again for your wonderful review and your helpful suggestions, take care.
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What is a 32 L and R? I'm assuming L and R stands for Long Rifle. A 32 caliber isn't much gun. So how about using a .38 Smith and Wesson revolver or a .45 Colt acp. Give them something they can visualize and something that makes them think you really know what you're talking about. Keep up the good work. :-)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter, excitement and tension are well described. I have to ask why you write in first person, putting the speaker's name about the new section? Why not just write with he and she instead?
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Good chapter, excitement and tension are well described. I have to ask why you write in first person, putting the speaker's name about the new section? Why not just write with he and she instead?
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful review. A lot of people ask me that. I wanted to do something out of the norm, challenge myself. The beginning starts off with Larry sitting on the street corner begging for money, then it backtracks to how it all began. How Larry was blackmailed into taking a case and Julia killed her husband so she'd finally be free of his abuse. Julia assumed another's identity was married had kids everything was fine until she was stopped for speeding that's when they discovered a murder weapon in her car. Not the one she used on her first husband, it was a knife she'd bought for her second husband's birthday, not realizing it was used in a murder. Now she has that charge and her husband's death hanging over her head. If Larry doesn't win Vinnie's case his daughter will die and he'll be framed for murder.
Ask one question and you get a book. At least now it'll make more sense if you decide to read more.
Thanks again for the review take care.
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Sounds complex and interesting! :)
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It's about to get more interesting.
Comment from hvysmker
Grabbing the weapon and box of shells, I toss them on the desk.
*** Shells are for shotguns, cartridges for pistols.
I try to load the chamber, but my hands are trembling so badly that I'm having trouble getting the bullets into the hole. I can do this, I think, grabbing another bullet from the box.
*** Many errors on firearms. Let me give you a quick rundown on common civilian firearms:
Handguns are of two types, pistols and revolvers. They are sometimes falsely referred to as "automatics" though most are really "semi-automatic" meaning a trigger pull is necessary for each shot. Pistols do not have cylinders, holes, or compartments. Pistols have removable "magazines" which are loaded with "cartridges" not bullets. A Cartridge consists of a "cartridge case" with a primer in the rear for a firing pin to strike. At the other end of the casing a bullet is inserted. It is made of lead and may have a copper coating. Cartridges are inserted into the magazine, one at a time, then the filled magazine into the "butt" of the pistol. After that, it's necessary to pull back on the "slide" at the top of the weapon, which when pulled back "cocks" the firing pin and, on it's way back to normal, strips a bullet from the magazine into the firing chamber. The pistol is then ready to fire.
Revolvers are a different beastie. You've seen them in western movies. Modern ones don't need to be cocked for every shot. They do have a "Cylinder" which holds, usually five or six "Rounds" or "Cartridges." With most of them, the cylinder swings away from the "Frame" to be loaded. In some, the frame folds down, exposing the back of the cylinder so that empty casings can be removed and fresh ones inserted. Then you pull that section back up where it "clicks" and you're ready to fire.
Rifles come in many designs and flavors, confirmed by sticking the end of the barrel into your mouth and licking the "bore." They usually load by sliding a cartridge into a hole on the right side ahead of the chamber. If you use a rifle in a story, take time to research since there is a wide variance in operation.
Then there is a shotgun. They come in many "gauges", the most common being .410 and 12. Not in calibers. They use "shells" instead of cartridges, the difference being that a shell is wider and the tube made of stiff cardboard rather than metal. There are several basic types of ammunition, "Slug" which is a solid chunk of metal used for hunting large game. Then there is "Shot" which is used for small game and spreads rapidly when leaving the barrel. The farther away your target, the greater the spread. Third is "Birdshot" smaller shot designed for greater spread to take down flying birds. For amateurs killing someone or protecting themselves, the barrel is often sawed off. Shooting someone with a sawed-off shotgun doesn't take much aiming. Be aware that in most places in the US a sawed off is illegal. Also, in the US, full automatic weapons are illegal.
It's always preferable to describe a specific "weapon" in a story. All that takes is a quick Google search such as, "pistols small" or the like. For example "There, on the floor, lay an old Army 1911A1 Colt .45cal." Hunters and army vets appreciate it and it tends to show the reader you know something about firearms. Frankly, if I were reading your novel and read this section as is I'd be inclined to close the book at that point. I'd expect the author to have done at least a little research. I can't stress that point enough, even though many readers here would hardly notice. Some of us would, as would later readers. Veracity is a big thing for a writer. We have to think the author is conversant with the subject.
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"Look, it's the killer, and she's got a gun." A lady screams, racing to her car.
*** Totally believable, though presumptive. For all they know the weapon might have gone off by accident or you fired into the ceiling. It's why police officers are trained.
"How do we know he wouldn't do you a favor and lie to the police?
*** I would imagine the police fully investigated his workplace.
"Since Mr. Murphy has access to the murder weapon, has perfect aim, could've hidden the clothes in the trash just as easily as my client, and is known to be dishonest, maybe he should be.
*** Should be what?
I shakenly turn towards the front. "C...can I have a recess, your Honor?"
*** shakily
The judge states, banging his gavel on the desk.
*** I'm not sure, but maybe "his bench"? I looked at several sites and didn't see any desk behind the judge's bench, nor much room for one behind it. I don't think he could sit that far ahead and see over the high bench across a desk. Though there might be shelf behind it to hold paperwork.
"I shot an intruder and now I have the SWAT team all over the yard."
*** That must be hell for the petunias.
Sounds good except for firearm problems.
Charlie
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Grabbing the weapon and box of shells, I toss them on the desk.
*** Shells are for shotguns, cartridges for pistols.
I try to load the chamber, but my hands are trembling so badly that I'm having trouble getting the bullets into the hole. I can do this, I think, grabbing another bullet from the box.
*** Many errors on firearms. Let me give you a quick rundown on common civilian firearms:
Handguns are of two types, pistols and revolvers. They are sometimes falsely referred to as "automatics" though most are really "semi-automatic" meaning a trigger pull is necessary for each shot. Pistols do not have cylinders, holes, or compartments. Pistols have removable "magazines" which are loaded with "cartridges" not bullets. A Cartridge consists of a "cartridge case" with a primer in the rear for a firing pin to strike. At the other end of the casing a bullet is inserted. It is made of lead and may have a copper coating. Cartridges are inserted into the magazine, one at a time, then the filled magazine into the "butt" of the pistol. After that, it's necessary to pull back on the "slide" at the top of the weapon, which when pulled back "cocks" the firing pin and, on it's way back to normal, strips a bullet from the magazine into the firing chamber. The pistol is then ready to fire.
Revolvers are a different beastie. You've seen them in western movies. Modern ones don't need to be cocked for every shot. They do have a "Cylinder" which holds, usually five or six "Rounds" or "Cartridges." With most of them, the cylinder swings away from the "Frame" to be loaded. In some, the frame folds down, exposing the back of the cylinder so that empty casings can be removed and fresh ones inserted. Then you pull that section back up where it "clicks" and you're ready to fire.
Rifles come in many designs and flavors, confirmed by sticking the end of the barrel into your mouth and licking the "bore." They usually load by sliding a cartridge into a hole on the right side ahead of the chamber. If you use a rifle in a story, take time to research since there is a wide variance in operation.
Then there is a shotgun. They come in many "gauges", the most common being .410 and 12. Not in calibers. They use "shells" instead of cartridges, the difference being that a shell is wider and the tube made of stiff cardboard rather than metal. There are several basic types of ammunition, "Slug" which is a solid chunk of metal used for hunting large game. Then there is "Shot" which is used for small game and spreads rapidly when leaving the barrel. The farther away your target, the greater the spread. Third is "Birdshot" smaller shot designed for greater spread to take down flying birds. For amateurs killing someone or protecting themselves, the barrel is often sawed off. Shooting someone with a sawed-off shotgun doesn't take much aiming. Be aware that in most places in the US a sawed off is illegal. Also, in the US, full automatic weapons are illegal.
It's always preferable to describe a specific "weapon" in a story. All that takes is a quick Google search such as, "pistols small" or the like. For example "There, on the floor, lay an old Army 1911A1 Colt .45cal." Hunters and army vets appreciate it and it tends to show the reader you know something about firearms. Frankly, if I were reading your novel and read this section as is I'd be inclined to close the book at that point. I'd expect the author to have done at least a little research. I can't stress that point enough, even though many readers here would hardly notice. Some of us would, as would later readers. Veracity is a big thing for a writer. We have to think the author is conversant with the subject.
------------------------
"Look, it's the killer, and she's got a gun." A lady screams, racing to her car.
*** Totally believable, though presumptive. For all they know the weapon might have gone off by accident or you fired into the ceiling. It's why police officers are trained.
"How do we know he wouldn't do you a favor and lie to the police?
*** I would imagine the police fully investigated his workplace.
"Since Mr. Murphy has access to the murder weapon, has perfect aim, could've hidden the clothes in the trash just as easily as my client, and is known to be dishonest, maybe he should be.
*** Should be what?
I shakenly turn towards the front. "C...can I have a recess, your Honor?"
*** shakily
The judge states, banging his gavel on the desk.
*** I'm not sure, but maybe "his bench"? I looked at several sites and didn't see any desk behind the judge's bench, nor much room for one behind it. I don't think he could sit that far ahead and see over the high bench across a desk. Though there might be shelf behind it to hold paperwork.
"I shot an intruder and now I have the SWAT team all over the yard."
*** That must be hell for the petunias.
Sounds good except for firearm problems.
Charlie
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review and your insight on firearms. I shot a gun once fell on my butt and haven't touched one since. I didn't want to shoot it in the first place, but my cousins were calling me baby, sissy and I had to show them I could do it too. Don't know which was worse the kick or falling on my backside. I remained brave until I got to the house.
So the bullet, cartridge thing would fit if it were a 22 revolver right? 22's don't have much kick, right and unless you aim for the heart, or head you probably won't kill them, right? Of course, Julia doesn't know much about guns she just pulled the trigger and hopes for the best.
I've fixed your other suggestions and will fix the gun issue think if my idea will work. If not guess I'm rewriting.
Thanks for the review take care.
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As a teenager I was a gun nut. My sister had the same reaction once I managed to get her out to the range.
A .22 wouldn't be a good choice for protection. Neither would a .45cal for an amateur, because of the kick. Your best bet would be a .32cal or 9 multimeter. They don't have much of a kick and the 9mm would definitely take a man down. The difference between those two isn't the power but the width of the bullet. A .45cal is wide but a 9mmm not as wide or powerful has greater penetration and much less kick.
They can also be small. The weight of the firearm also affects the kick, less in a large weapon than a smaller one easier to hide and carry around. Believe me, if you carried one eight hours a day you'd know how much they weigh. In the army I often carried a .45 pistol at work and could feel at the end of the day.
Learn to do research, Mistydawn. It will pay off in the end, little of it wasted and you may find it interesting.
One time I spent several day researching the Jamestown colony in the early 1600s. Since then I've used that information, from memory, in numerous stories about that era.
It would be well worth the time to research firearms.
Charlie
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I've been doing a little research, your right the 32 would be much better 50 % rate, low recoil. Going with the 32 L and R, cause it's purdy Btw 22's on the average only penetrates through13" of gel.
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There ya go, Mistydawn. At first I hated to take time out on a "roll" to research, then grew to love it. A couple of times I liked it so much I never did write that story, but went on to another suggested by my reading.
Charlie
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One time I was researching what it'd be like in a Corvette at high speed I had so much fun Didn't get a bit of writing done but had one heck of a ride.
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That's the way it goes.
My home town had a fort during the War of 1812. At the time I was writing novels and wanted to write one about that fort and a big battle there. The research interested me so much I never got to writing. My hero was to be a local carpenter and I was stumped for a while about what his home would have been like. That only got me started, moving my interest into other areas, such as manufacturing in Boston in that era. I finally did do a story about a family foundry in Boston in the viewpoint of a slave that worked there. I repeat, that's the way it goes, he-he.
Charlie
Comment from apky
"You was(?) present when they found the evidence, is that correct?" ~ I think this person has enough education and wouldn't say "you was".
(should this quote mark be here?")Since Mr. Murphy has access to the murder weapon, has perfect aim, could've hidden the clothes in the trash just as easily as my client, and is known to be dishonest, maybe he should be. I see the DA drag his hefty body out of the chair, a concerned look on his face. Smiling, I add the finishing touch.
"Do you have something to do with this, Marty, do you(add ? and delete ,)" I ask, shoving my phone in his face.
This gets racier and racier. Well done.
Apky
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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"You was(?) present when they found the evidence, is that correct?" ~ I think this person has enough education and wouldn't say "you was".
(should this quote mark be here?")Since Mr. Murphy has access to the murder weapon, has perfect aim, could've hidden the clothes in the trash just as easily as my client, and is known to be dishonest, maybe he should be. I see the DA drag his hefty body out of the chair, a concerned look on his face. Smiling, I add the finishing touch.
"Do you have something to do with this, Marty, do you(add ? and delete ,)" I ask, shoving my phone in his face.
This gets racier and racier. Well done.
Apky
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your great review and catching my mistakes. I swear no matter how many times I go over it I always seem to miss things. Thank you again for all your reviews and your helpful suggestions. Those two's nightmare has just begun.
Thank you again, take care.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good continuation of your story. I have misssed several chapters, but I was able to pick right back up with your characters.
Why am I down here? I ask--Is this a thought? You could, if you want, place thoughts in italics.
Larry's pistol lying in the study. --laying.
I hear a loud crash followed by a set of footsteps --A slip into past tense.
"Remember Julia, aim, and shoot."--Comma before Julia as well. no comma after aim.
she's got a gun." A lady screams, racing to her car. --comma after gun. lower case a.
"According to your statement you invited the police in, is that correct?" --Suggest a comma after statement.
"You was present--were.
"I've talked to your other co-workers and Bart seems to be the only one who remembers seeing you that day." --Suggesta comma before and.
he replies, nervously fidgeting in his seat."--Delete closing quotation marks here.
That's why I came in early, so I can finish it up." --suggest could instead of can because you are recounting a past event.
maybe he should be.--closing quotation marks.
"Honest Larry, it wasn't me." --comma before Larry.
I hope you find this helpful.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Good continuation of your story. I have misssed several chapters, but I was able to pick right back up with your characters.
Why am I down here? I ask--Is this a thought? You could, if you want, place thoughts in italics.
Larry's pistol lying in the study. --laying.
I hear a loud crash followed by a set of footsteps --A slip into past tense.
"Remember Julia, aim, and shoot."--Comma before Julia as well. no comma after aim.
she's got a gun." A lady screams, racing to her car. --comma after gun. lower case a.
"According to your statement you invited the police in, is that correct?" --Suggest a comma after statement.
"You was present--were.
"I've talked to your other co-workers and Bart seems to be the only one who remembers seeing you that day." --Suggesta comma before and.
he replies, nervously fidgeting in his seat."--Delete closing quotation marks here.
That's why I came in early, so I can finish it up." --suggest could instead of can because you are recounting a past event.
maybe he should be.--closing quotation marks.
"Honest Larry, it wasn't me." --comma before Larry.
I hope you find this helpful.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review and your suggestions, it's nice to hear from you again. I found them very helpful, thank you. I do have a question about one thing. I usually do italics on thoughts, but thought it might be confusing, distracting to the reader since it's first person narrative. You don't think it would be?
Thanks again for your great review and your useful suggestions, take care.
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You're welcome, Misty. The answer to your question is a debated item. The reason I made the suggestion was because of your use of 'I thought'.
One person will tell you one thing and another will recommend something else. My thought was the switch to italics because your writing more of a hybrid first person narrative. Where you have multiple "I's" throughout your story. Bottom line is to do what your comfortable with and be consistent. Which in my limited experience with your writing, you are.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
"Hello?"
"Oh Julia, thank God you're alright," I say, sprinting to my car.
"It's awful, Larry, just awful," she cries into the phone.
"What is honey?"
"I shot an intruder and now I have the SWAT team all over the yard."
"I'm on my way." . Your cliffhangers kill me! Your writing is exciting and absorbing, always, well done and kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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"Hello?"
"Oh Julia, thank God you're alright," I say, sprinting to my car.
"It's awful, Larry, just awful," she cries into the phone.
"What is honey?"
"I shot an intruder and now I have the SWAT team all over the yard."
"I'm on my way." . Your cliffhangers kill me! Your writing is exciting and absorbing, always, well done and kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review, It means a lot knowing that you like my work. Thanks again for your encouraging words and great review, take care.
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I always enjoy your work! Well done!M xx
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Thank you so much for another great review. I appreciate your continuous support and encouragement. Take care.
Comment from Ricky1024
Nice Story-line, captures the imagination.
Theme and Imagery were divine.
Flowed well, read well, and no Grammar issues.
Adjective Content was superb.
Objective Content was excellent, too.
Complete Synopsis-*****
Great job here.
Ricky 1024.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Nice Story-line, captures the imagination.
Theme and Imagery were divine.
Flowed well, read well, and no Grammar issues.
Adjective Content was superb.
Objective Content was excellent, too.
Complete Synopsis-*****
Great job here.
Ricky 1024.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for such a great review I am so glad you liked it. No grammar errors and not an over abundance of adjectives,? I finally did it? Woo hoo, I did it! I'm doing a happy dance now. Be glad you're not here to see it lol. Thanks again for your great review, take care.
