Comment from Poetic Friend

Excellent

Patty,

I have not read the other entries in this contest, but I certainly enjoyed this one. I like the approach that you took in this contest. From the commencement of the story, you engaged your reader. Also, the reader has an opportunity to connect with the characters from the onset.

A sequel to this story will be quite interesting.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

Hi there; thank you so much for the lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I have decided to expand it. I will be posting it in several parts in a few weeks; I hope you will read along,

~patty~

Comment from Fridayauthor

Excellent

Very interesting story line that asks a number of questions. There was a time when adoption information was unavailable, but in this day and age, that's not so. I wonder if that causes many more cases of abortion.

Nice written story and enjoyable posting.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

Hi; thank you so much for this wonderful review. The story will find a new chapter. I wrote this for the 'The Call' contest, but I have decided to explore 'the questions' it brings up.

~patty~

reply by Fridayauthor on 30-Jun-2017

We have three children of our own but adopted a fourth. As an adult, she contacted her birth parents, who were divorced. It was a disaster. They were very messed up people.

Comment from Cybertron1986

Excellent

Wow! I'm intrigued. The building tension of the man having to face a son who he wanted aborted. What a unique and interesting piece!

I loved the dialogue. This would make a perfect script for any soap opera, or drama show. The direct honesty of Jenny gave substance to your characters. I loved how the architecture of your piece was kept simple. It emotions from start to end, when the phone rang, had a smooth flow. Well done.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

thank you so much for the lovely review. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement,

~patty~

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

This speaks a call, just a call that changes everything of a life, a voice from the opposite raises a life and death or prestige issue question - a decision of adoption, so many years; I liked.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

thank you

Comment from Tod Moran

Average

I have some problems with this. Some simple some . . . not so simple.
"that voice since 1998." That he would remember the exact year seems unlikely. And for the reader, this adds nothing. We don't know if 1998 is last year or decades ago.

"I'm so surprised he's willing to come to me."
I think, "I'm surprised he wants to meet me." Is stronger, less wordy
". . .pepper shakers in his kitchen." When did enter the kitchen? Was phone in the kitchen? Confusing.

But all that is trivial compared the real problem. The character of Ron is contradictory. " Was she talking about the baby he fathered? The timing was right." THIS is his 1st thought? He is self-sufficient BY CHOICE. He doesn't care what people think, doesn't KNOW many people. Has no close friends to be heirs. But this decades-old event he instantly remembers? In my opinion, at best contradictory if not unbelievable.

I DO like the ending. Effective, the reader knows that is Joey calling and the REAL problems for this character are beginning.


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

thank you for your review. Don't you think you'd remember when a girl told you she was pregnant with your baby?

~patty~

Comment from Heather Knight

Excellent

Great story!
I like how you've managed to bring the two characters to life through dialogue.
I don't like Ron at all, he's selfish and self-absorbed...
Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

Hi Maria; thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and formed an opinion about Ron - he is kind of a lout, huh?

Thank you so much for your good wishes,

~patty~

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Patty,

A great theme for the competition, and one that will no doubt strike a chord for a great many. I think you may have the winner here, knowing how these things go in the booths.

There were a couple of things that made me pause, and I stress here this is just me - I know these things don't register or bother other people, but as a published writer now, you may wish to push beyond the surface.

Is it common practice to name the child being given up in the US? It isn't over here. You also have plenty of time to register the birth 21 days in Scotland and 42 in rest of UK. Couldn't find the requirements for US. not that it really matters as most readers won't even pick up on these kinds of things. lol

paced back and forth like a caged tiger.- you're a much better writer than to use clichés.

I really thought that after you gave me the money for the abortion, you simply didn't care." - if he thought the kid was aborted would he have not led with that when he was informed about being found. A little more surprise maybe?

I will. I know we were just kids back then - not really though. By my reckoning, if Joey is 18 and Ron is 45, then he was 27 when the kid was born - that's pretty much an adult. - unless it's taken him a good few years to find out, but that could be made clearer.

All the best when this goes to the booth. I think this'll be hard to beat.
G

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

Hi G;
thank you so much for the thoughtful and thorough review. I love that you make me re-think what I wrote; it gives me a better perspective on how my write is perceived.

I can see that there is a great deal of information that I left the reader to 'fill in.' As the story idea came to me, I did a great more deal character development in my head than I put on paper. With the word count limit, I left some details out.

I decided yesterday after I posted that I'm going to turn this into a longer piece and post it in several parts.

The question for me is whether I will fill in some details now - OR will I clue my readers in when I rewrite?

Thank you so much for the wonderful compliments you've given me. You also challenge me to be a better writer and I greatly appreciate it,

~patty~

reply by giraffmang on 30-Jun-2017

I think for the competition it works well. I would maybe clarify the timeline a little more to make it more concrete perhaps.

Comment from Asem.inspirations

Excellent

Good job Patty, with this story. It is a well told and well written story of a situation that can really happen and has really happened in many lives.

When two young people find themselves in that situation they are usually just not ready to be parents. It is only eventual then that the child would find out that they are adopted and would one day be curious enough about the bio-parents who gave them up. The child then would grow up and seek the parents.

This is an interesting approach to this situation. I like it that you gave us the total phone call conversation. You did not just mention the call or describe what the call was like. This made it interesting.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

Hi Tier; thank you so much for your thoughtful review. I thought this was a better approach to outline 'the call,' rather than it just be a mention in the story. I'm actually kind of excited about the contest.

Your comments were greatly appreciated,

~patty~

Comment from kiwigirl2821

Excellent

Hi Patty. We all do stuff we hope is never going to catch up to us. I think the fact that you female character wants to know her son and the father is still on the fence is a telling thing about these two. Well written and easily understood. Good for you. Good luck! xoxo Kiwi

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

thank you so much for the lovely review. I'm glad the conversation was able to help you form an opinion about the characters.

I appreciate your well wishes for the contest,

~patty~

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

this is an excellent piece of writing, I found no problems to correct and the way you ended it is excellently done. The interaction was great as it put us right there

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017

Hi Barb; thank you for this lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed this story,

~patty~