Sketches of a Deceitful Town
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Brotherhood"Pretty town, ugly truths
12 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
Wow, Ingrid, this is a compelling and gripping read. First, I love the portraits you painted of the real estate agent Sam and the Sheriff Rich, the closeness of their friendship at one point, and how they have grown distant with tensions today:
Sam felt as if Rich had slapped him across the face. He fought the urge to retaliate, feeling the familiar implied insult from his liberal buddy, but he swallowed his pride.
This is a rich and complex relationship.
The mystery of the crying babies in the haunted house and the identity of the former owners keep me reading. The mysteries piqued my interest as well as Rich's. Your writing is well-paced and novel-like. This is highly polished prose that engages and entertains.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2017
  |
Wow, Ingrid, this is a compelling and gripping read. First, I love the portraits you painted of the real estate agent Sam and the Sheriff Rich, the closeness of their friendship at one point, and how they have grown distant with tensions today:
Sam felt as if Rich had slapped him across the face. He fought the urge to retaliate, feeling the familiar implied insult from his liberal buddy, but he swallowed his pride.
This is a rich and complex relationship.
The mystery of the crying babies in the haunted house and the identity of the former owners keep me reading. The mysteries piqued my interest as well as Rich's. Your writing is well-paced and novel-like. This is highly polished prose that engages and entertains.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2017
-
Andre, I'm not sure if I've told you what I'm doing with this novella, but the overall plot is an outwardly pretty little town that hides ugly secrets beneath it's façade. Each chapter is written from a different character's pov, putting some depth into the motivation and morality of each person. Sam really is a smug, prejudiced, spoiled, wealthy brat--guess who I modelled him on?
Thanks for your kind words.
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Ingrid,
known a few Sam's in my day... wondering if his conscience is coming back to haunt him as well as, Brolin House?
You've created some great tension in the building of this story, this time with some well written dialog. That in itself has put me,(the reader,) right in the picture... so great job there. And how adventurous of you to drop the 'N' word in this day and age? Guess you're doing your best to keep this in the vein of the setting?
I'm enjoying the story so far... and as I stated before, really nice to read something a little longer with a bit of meat one can chew over.
Well, I'm now hanging on the Rich and Jason conversation to take place now... always the hook?
You crazy minx... love it!
The house is evil... evil I say, evil! Yeah lived in a couple of them as well... hmmmmm, or was that just the evil that lived within?
Looking forward to the next installment of... 'The Brotherhood'.
Dun-tdun't-da! As the organ music play us out... (evil grin.)
With our thoughts we create,
conjecture.
James vx's.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
 |
Hi Ingrid,
known a few Sam's in my day... wondering if his conscience is coming back to haunt him as well as, Brolin House?
You've created some great tension in the building of this story, this time with some well written dialog. That in itself has put me,(the reader,) right in the picture... so great job there. And how adventurous of you to drop the 'N' word in this day and age? Guess you're doing your best to keep this in the vein of the setting?
I'm enjoying the story so far... and as I stated before, really nice to read something a little longer with a bit of meat one can chew over.
Well, I'm now hanging on the Rich and Jason conversation to take place now... always the hook?
You crazy minx... love it!
The house is evil... evil I say, evil! Yeah lived in a couple of them as well... hmmmmm, or was that just the evil that lived within?
Looking forward to the next installment of... 'The Brotherhood'.
Dun-tdun't-da! As the organ music play us out... (evil grin.)
With our thoughts we create,
conjecture.
James vx's.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
The people that never pick up a vibe, can't read a room, feel the tension...those guys think I'm nuts, but there are sensitive folks who can take a breath and ...feel. I'm one of them, but need to admit, it would have been a whole lot easier to walk through life oblivious. I've sped up and almost finished the next chapter. Yes, the 'n' word was common in southern folks of the USA up to the mid seventies. Some would say it still exists in common language. I'm not afraid of any word. A couple of years ago I wrote an essay asking women why the word cunt horrified them. Terrible aren't I? Hugs, Ingrid Thanks for the stars.
-
You never fail to put a smile on my face. Terrible... you? Terribly intelligent... terribly gifted...terribly strong and yes, some times, terribly shocking... but that's what I love about you... never afraid to go that extra step towards the dark-side knowing you have light on your side... vx's.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. Interesting story, my friend. You have me hooked on this reading but it seems to be coming kind of slow. I haven't heard too much from you lately. I will watch for more of this story.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
|
Excellent. Interesting story, my friend. You have me hooked on this reading but it seems to be coming kind of slow. I haven't heard too much from you lately. I will watch for more of this story.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
I haven't written much in the last six months and reviewed less. Have some serious issues with my eyes, but I'm working again and will pick up the speed. This should be a six-parter novella and I'm almost ready to post the next chapter. Thanks for the read, review and your support. ingrid
Comment from Curly Girly
was nothinh more than a prop,, a
was nothin['] more than a prop[,] a / punctuation
Oh, Sam is a horrid person:
"It's easier than you'd think. They arrive, prequalified for a mortgage, and I inflate the price; make sure I show them houses they can't afford. Plus...I tell them about houses in other towns. They're so damn grateful for my help."
Sam and Rich got into trouble. Rich's visit to the mortuary was a life-long sobering lesson.
"Brolin House is evil!" You have left a cliffhanger here. Now, I must admit to being curious as to what is about to be revealed.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
|
was nothinh more than a prop,, a
was nothin['] more than a prop[,] a / punctuation
Oh, Sam is a horrid person:
"It's easier than you'd think. They arrive, prequalified for a mortgage, and I inflate the price; make sure I show them houses they can't afford. Plus...I tell them about houses in other towns. They're so damn grateful for my help."
Sam and Rich got into trouble. Rich's visit to the mortuary was a life-long sobering lesson.
"Brolin House is evil!" You have left a cliffhanger here. Now, I must admit to being curious as to what is about to be revealed.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
Thanks for the catch. Yes, this should be resolved in short order. Probably no more than six chapters in this novella. Thanks for reading. Always a treat to see your name/
Comment from apky
Another excellent chapter that kept me going
from start to finish without a hitch. This story
has also started making me try and guess what
this mysterious house could be, what the woman
who bought the house could be, who Sam himself
in fact could be.
I'm intrigued and await the next chapter. a good
thing that I get your posts in my inbox so I know
I won't miss a single chapter.
Apky
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
|
Another excellent chapter that kept me going
from start to finish without a hitch. This story
has also started making me try and guess what
this mysterious house could be, what the woman
who bought the house could be, who Sam himself
in fact could be.
I'm intrigued and await the next chapter. a good
thing that I get your posts in my inbox so I know
I won't miss a single chapter.
Apky
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
Thanks so much. Only a few more to go. It's probably only a six part novella.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This chapter gave us a good background on Sam and Rich.
Funny how bosom buddies can grow apart as they grow up.
Good job stirring up the interest as the mystery develops in your story. Rich'es father the x-sheriff has the skinny on the place and say's he needs to see him. More later. Well done Ingrid. Nancy
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
|
This chapter gave us a good background on Sam and Rich.
Funny how bosom buddies can grow apart as they grow up.
Good job stirring up the interest as the mystery develops in your story. Rich'es father the x-sheriff has the skinny on the place and say's he needs to see him. More later. Well done Ingrid. Nancy
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
Hi Nancy. Good to see your name. Yes, I think I've finally got back to writing. Next chapter will be the meeting between father and son--writing it now. Thanks.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Oh girl that cliffhanger ending is awesome! Also you bring the story to life, like I could hear and see that dang police cruiser and your dialog superior. I haven't read any of the other chapters so I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen future or what has happened but, this chapter was solid! xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
|
Oh girl that cliffhanger ending is awesome! Also you bring the story to life, like I could hear and see that dang police cruiser and your dialog superior. I haven't read any of the other chapters so I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen future or what has happened but, this chapter was solid! xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
I'm experimenting. The first chapter is written in first person and spells out the history of the house and introduces the characters, but each chapter after is written from a different character's POV. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. It's always nice to see your name. Thanks.
Comment from Jay Squires
No one tells a ghost story like Ingrid! But have I heard this before. Had the new owner, when she was much younger, had an affair with a black worker there? Got preggy and the baby was "murdered" and buried there? I may have muddied some details, but is this the same story, perhaps enlarged?]
Clenched between his teeth, and still indecisive, he nodded at pedestrians as if he were auditioning for the job e official Wal*Mart greeter. [See if you can work on this sentence so you don't make the cigar sound indecisive.
He'd have been wrong--and broke. [good, punchy last line of the paragraph.]
He'd done his part dissuading potential black clients from buying housing in Bridgewater, a point acknowledged at the last monthly meeting at the lodge. [Ingrid, is the "acknowledged point" to which you are referring the lodges apparent statement that blacks shouldn't be allowed in Bridgewater? Or is the lodge acknowledging that Sam "dissuaded" potential black clients ...? Do you see my point. It slants the story in a certain direction depending on its meaning.]
What nefarious deed have you coned to confess?"
[... have you CONED (?) to confess?"]
What nefarious deed have you coned to confess?" [It's unclear who said this. I presume it's Sam. But you end by using a closed quote, then start the next paragraph with Sam's dialogue. If it's the same speaker you should bring the dialogue up from the new paragraph to the end of this one. If it's not Sam speaking, then perhaps you should use a dialogue tag.]
tell me what inspired you to pat me a visit your old boarding house." [In addition to needing to change "pat" to "pay" you left out "to" before "your".]
He turned and caught her staring. "it's okay, Molly,"
[Capitalize "It's" and period after "Molly"]
"Its been boarded up as long ["IT'S been boarded ..."]
An accumulation of nit-picky corrections that I'll deduct a star for. (You told me it doesn't hurt your feelings, LOL.) I'll return the star when you let me know the changes have been made.
I like this story, though!
***********************************************************
Here's your star back.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
|
No one tells a ghost story like Ingrid! But have I heard this before. Had the new owner, when she was much younger, had an affair with a black worker there? Got preggy and the baby was "murdered" and buried there? I may have muddied some details, but is this the same story, perhaps enlarged?]
Clenched between his teeth, and still indecisive, he nodded at pedestrians as if he were auditioning for the job e official Wal*Mart greeter. [See if you can work on this sentence so you don't make the cigar sound indecisive.
He'd have been wrong--and broke. [good, punchy last line of the paragraph.]
He'd done his part dissuading potential black clients from buying housing in Bridgewater, a point acknowledged at the last monthly meeting at the lodge. [Ingrid, is the "acknowledged point" to which you are referring the lodges apparent statement that blacks shouldn't be allowed in Bridgewater? Or is the lodge acknowledging that Sam "dissuaded" potential black clients ...? Do you see my point. It slants the story in a certain direction depending on its meaning.]
What nefarious deed have you coned to confess?"
[... have you CONED (?) to confess?"]
What nefarious deed have you coned to confess?" [It's unclear who said this. I presume it's Sam. But you end by using a closed quote, then start the next paragraph with Sam's dialogue. If it's the same speaker you should bring the dialogue up from the new paragraph to the end of this one. If it's not Sam speaking, then perhaps you should use a dialogue tag.]
tell me what inspired you to pat me a visit your old boarding house." [In addition to needing to change "pat" to "pay" you left out "to" before "your".]
He turned and caught her staring. "it's okay, Molly,"
[Capitalize "It's" and period after "Molly"]
"Its been boarded up as long ["IT'S been boarded ..."]
An accumulation of nit-picky corrections that I'll deduct a star for. (You told me it doesn't hurt your feelings, LOL.) I'll return the star when you let me know the changes have been made.
I like this story, though!
***********************************************************
Here's your star back.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
-
Yes, this is the same story. It's probably no more than a five-six chapter novella. I'm experimenting. The first chapter, told in first person was from the pov of Joey the black man who impregnated Lizzie. Each subsequent chapter in from one of the other characters exposing their flaws as they sit in judgement. It will go back to Joey wrapping it up in first p person.
I do appreciate the nit alert. More than you can know, but I'll fix them tomorrow. Way past my bedtime. Thanks ever so much.
-
My pleasure. I'll go ahead and rerate it now, so I won't forget later.
-
Yours are the only honest fours on the site. Don't spare their generous use. People learn because of you.
Comment from mvbrooks
The dialogue rings true of real language and is distinct for each character and the character descriptions are believable. The chapter ending with a mystery--why would someone by a boarded house--is a nice invitation to read the next chapter.
There is strong, original description, such as "sucking on a saliva-drenched stogie." That phrase brings a definite image to mind and nice use of repeating the "s" sound.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
|
The dialogue rings true of real language and is distinct for each character and the character descriptions are believable. The chapter ending with a mystery--why would someone by a boarded house--is a nice invitation to read the next chapter.
There is strong, original description, such as "sucking on a saliva-drenched stogie." That phrase brings a definite image to mind and nice use of repeating the "s" sound.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
-
Thank you very much for your kind words.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Sam, a real estate agent visits Rich Coleman, current Bridgewater sheriff; they had a god friendship relation, in connection with a deal of a house, Rich wants to tell the mystery about the house; I liked.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
|
Sam, a real estate agent visits Rich Coleman, current Bridgewater sheriff; they had a god friendship relation, in connection with a deal of a house, Rich wants to tell the mystery about the house; I liked.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
-
Thank you very much for the read and review.
