Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Chapter Zehn part eins"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
31 total reviews
Comment from dweigt
Excellent work! I like how you portrayed Shana's father Benjamin. We could tell what he was thinking and what concerned him without openly stating it. Emily was also depicted convincingly, with age appropriate actions and dialogue. I didn't notice any spags, and there was nothing that halted the flow of the story.
My only suggestion would be to add a little more description. For instance, when Aaron admires the view from the balcony, or when Shana notices the artwork in the west wing. Just a sentence or two in each place might set the scene in our minds a little more vividly.
Great work! Keep writing!
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Excellent work! I like how you portrayed Shana's father Benjamin. We could tell what he was thinking and what concerned him without openly stating it. Emily was also depicted convincingly, with age appropriate actions and dialogue. I didn't notice any spags, and there was nothing that halted the flow of the story.
My only suggestion would be to add a little more description. For instance, when Aaron admires the view from the balcony, or when Shana notices the artwork in the west wing. Just a sentence or two in each place might set the scene in our minds a little more vividly.
Great work! Keep writing!
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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I will try to add some detail, but I'm always afraid it will distract from the story. Too be honest when I review and there's a lot of detail, I normally skip it and get on to the story. I"m bad. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
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I agree. Don't add too much. It is hard to strike a balance.
Comment from apky
Another enjoyable chapter, and the length was just pert this time.
The story is unfolding well, and I'm getting to think that Shana's
family is pretty conservative - which reminded me of my own family.
One thing that caught my attention was that Aaron and Benjamin
are not shown or mentioned eating their sandwiches. I know it's
no big thing, but I tend to be a details person so this caught my
attention.
Best,
Apky
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Another enjoyable chapter, and the length was just pert this time.
The story is unfolding well, and I'm getting to think that Shana's
family is pretty conservative - which reminded me of my own family.
One thing that caught my attention was that Aaron and Benjamin
are not shown or mentioned eating their sandwiches. I know it's
no big thing, but I tend to be a details person so this caught my
attention.
Best,
Apky
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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In next weeks post, they say they are full and not interested in lunch. I will see if I can add a few more details. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from light
As your story moves along, Shana's family is introduced. As conservative Jews they would, of course, question Shana living with a divorced man. It helps that there are two other women living there. Another interesting chapter.
Elaine
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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As your story moves along, Shana's family is introduced. As conservative Jews they would, of course, question Shana living with a divorced man. It helps that there are two other women living there. Another interesting chapter.
Elaine
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from bhogg
Guess I arrived late, because I saw no mistakes at all. Of course I'm often guilty of getting in to the story and going with the flow. I admire your ability to move your reader through so quickly. Warm regards, Bill
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Guess I arrived late, because I saw no mistakes at all. Of course I'm often guilty of getting in to the story and going with the flow. I admire your ability to move your reader through so quickly. Warm regards, Bill
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Shana's father is definitely worried about his daughter living in an apartment with so many men around, a divorced one at that!! But, he needn't worry, Shana is as safe as houses. I love the interaction with Emily, children do love to show off what's theirs. A very well written part, Barbara, and lots of info coming through. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Shana's father is definitely worried about his daughter living in an apartment with so many men around, a divorced one at that!! But, he needn't worry, Shana is as safe as houses. I love the interaction with Emily, children do love to show off what's theirs. A very well written part, Barbara, and lots of info coming through. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Interaction between characters and the dialogue is great - an enjoyable read, Barbara.
Just one thing I came across:
"Did I hear the child correctly, that she may come to live (with) her daddy? - missing word.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Interaction between characters and the dialogue is great - an enjoyable read, Barbara.
Just one thing I came across:
"Did I hear the child correctly, that she may come to live (with) her daddy? - missing word.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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I just made the correction. Thank you for the catch and the kind review.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Barbara, I haven't read any of the other chapters so it will be this chapter as it stands ok? First I congratulate you on making your character's conversations real. They sound natural if not a little boring. I know not much is going on, but there wasn't really anything in this chapter that grabbed me and pulled me in to say "READ ME" ... now I'm only just beginning to read stories and I'm a poet not a prose writer, but I hope my thoughts help.
Next, I believed what you were writing. You made me as a reader see the scene playing out and you have a little intrigue going on too. As a reader I could also feel the tension of this chapter. Well done. Hope it helps a little. xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Hi Barbara, I haven't read any of the other chapters so it will be this chapter as it stands ok? First I congratulate you on making your character's conversations real. They sound natural if not a little boring. I know not much is going on, but there wasn't really anything in this chapter that grabbed me and pulled me in to say "READ ME" ... now I'm only just beginning to read stories and I'm a poet not a prose writer, but I hope my thoughts help.
Next, I believed what you were writing. You made me as a reader see the scene playing out and you have a little intrigue going on too. As a reader I could also feel the tension of this chapter. Well done. Hope it helps a little. xoxo deborah
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. This post was to fill in some blanks. From what my other reviewers have said, it did it's intended.
Comment from giraffmang
A good and solid continuation of the story here with the relationships on display between Shana and her family,.
Did I hear the child correctly, that she may come to live her daddy - live with her...
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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A good and solid continuation of the story here with the relationships on display between Shana and her family,.
Did I hear the child correctly, that she may come to live her daddy - live with her...
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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I have added the missing with. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Shana's appearance, her innocence adds a new dimension to the story. Per usual the flow, interaction between characters and dialogue were excellent. Enjoyed.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Good morning, Barbara
Shana's appearance, her innocence adds a new dimension to the story. Per usual the flow, interaction between characters and dialogue were excellent. Enjoyed.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Sankey
Well done again. Just one spag....that she may come to live (with)her daddy? Shana's father is nosey, huh. I just put up another old poem/ song of mine that is now also in the biography if interested. I converted the music to an MP3 file today sounds better.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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Well done again. Just one spag....that she may come to live (with)her daddy? Shana's father is nosey, huh. I just put up another old poem/ song of mine that is now also in the biography if interested. I converted the music to an MP3 file today sounds better.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2017
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I have added the missing with. Thank you for the catch.
