Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Better off Dead"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
5 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
This Andy character is one mean SOB, of course, most abusers are when they are dealing with those too afraid or weak to fight back. But it's almost comical how meek and mild they become when dealing with anyone they know can give them competition. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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This Andy character is one mean SOB, of course, most abusers are when they are dealing with those too afraid or weak to fight back. But it's almost comical how meek and mild they become when dealing with anyone they know can give them competition. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Thank you for a great review. I've had to take care of an abuser myself. Don't worry, he's still alive, but after being chased with an iron skillet, I imagine he'll think twice about hitting women again. I took it for five years, when he made me miscarry, that was all she wrote.
Comment from apky
All of this, at the end, was so much tension:
"Please someone help me, please help me, I'm being kidnapped."
"That's enough, Julia!" Forcing air deep into my lungs, I yell again.
"Someone please call the police, I'm being kidnapped!"
"I said that's enough!" Lifting up his right hand, he punches me in the mouth.
"Please don't hurt me, Andy, please, don't," I cry. Scooping me off of the gurney, he places me in the car.
"No, please don't hurt me. I promise to be good this time, I swear, I will!"
"It's a little late for that now, don't you think?" I see an evil smile creep across his face. Frightened, I try to get away. I'm so weak, so bruised, so battered that I don't have the strength to fight him.
"I'm going to get rid of you once and for all," he states, slamming the car door closed. I reach for the handle only to discover it has been removed.
"Please someone, please help me," I beg, pounding as hard as I can on the glass.
"You're not getting away from me this time, bitch." Andy laughs, as we drive away.
And then I wasn't sure whether this should a six or a four sta!
Have a grand weekend,
apky
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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All of this, at the end, was so much tension:
"Please someone help me, please help me, I'm being kidnapped."
"That's enough, Julia!" Forcing air deep into my lungs, I yell again.
"Someone please call the police, I'm being kidnapped!"
"I said that's enough!" Lifting up his right hand, he punches me in the mouth.
"Please don't hurt me, Andy, please, don't," I cry. Scooping me off of the gurney, he places me in the car.
"No, please don't hurt me. I promise to be good this time, I swear, I will!"
"It's a little late for that now, don't you think?" I see an evil smile creep across his face. Frightened, I try to get away. I'm so weak, so bruised, so battered that I don't have the strength to fight him.
"I'm going to get rid of you once and for all," he states, slamming the car door closed. I reach for the handle only to discover it has been removed.
"Please someone, please help me," I beg, pounding as hard as I can on the glass.
"You're not getting away from me this time, bitch." Andy laughs, as we drive away.
And then I wasn't sure whether this should a six or a four sta!
Have a grand weekend,
apky
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thank you for your kind review, I am so glad you enjoyed it.
You have a great weekend too, Take care.
Comment from emptypage
I love the post. The characters are interesting and engaging. This is a gripping start to what could be a wonderful book. There are some problems, though.
You wrote, "Glancing towards the glass barrier, I see an officer standing outside my door." What kind of officer? You don't say. I realize it is a police officer, but this could confuse readers.
"Julia Moffitt (comma here) you're under arrest for the murder of Andy Moffitt."
You wrote, "...whose busy reciting me my rights." Who is = Who's. "Whose" implies possession.
"Seeing the evil smile creeping across his face, I frightenedly (this is a really, really awkward word choice. Try something not so stumble=prone for the reader) try to get away."
This story is really very interesting and I'll follow it just to keep up. You need some work on grammar, though.
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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I love the post. The characters are interesting and engaging. This is a gripping start to what could be a wonderful book. There are some problems, though.
You wrote, "Glancing towards the glass barrier, I see an officer standing outside my door." What kind of officer? You don't say. I realize it is a police officer, but this could confuse readers.
"Julia Moffitt (comma here) you're under arrest for the murder of Andy Moffitt."
You wrote, "...whose busy reciting me my rights." Who is = Who's. "Whose" implies possession.
"Seeing the evil smile creeping across his face, I frightenedly (this is a really, really awkward word choice. Try something not so stumble=prone for the reader) try to get away."
This story is really very interesting and I'll follow it just to keep up. You need some work on grammar, though.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Thank you for your kind words, fair review and all of your helpful suggestions. The sentence you found awkward I changed to
An evil smile creeps across his face. Frightened, I try to get away.
Thank you again for your review and your helpful suggestions, take care.
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I didn't like it so I changed it again. I see an evil smile creep across his face. Frightened, I try to get away.
Comment from smerryman3
Very intriguing! I could feel Julia's emotions as she tested to see if she was paralyzed. I suggest maybe elaborating a little more on how she regained her voice. It seemed like she went form being on a ventilator to being able to scream with no transition from one to the other. Overall, well done.
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Very intriguing! I could feel Julia's emotions as she tested to see if she was paralyzed. I suggest maybe elaborating a little more on how she regained her voice. It seemed like she went form being on a ventilator to being able to scream with no transition from one to the other. Overall, well done.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. and your kind words. You're right that isn't possible unless she has a tracheotomy or the tube is removed. So I had her write down her responses. Then breathlessly scream for help when she's being kidnapped. thank you again for your wonderful review take care.
Comment from Ogden
I haven't read the previous chapters of your story, so it's like tuning in to the middle of a TV movie. You draw the reader in well, the action is easy to follow, and the dialog is very good.
There is an aspect of your narration style that I find disconcerting. The use of the present tense for Julie to relate what already has happened, doesn't resonate well to me, for two reasons.. Obviously, she isn't, but it seems as though she's telling the story to someone, who, if there, would be seeing it happen. I was uncomfortably aware that everything Julie was saying was occurring then, wasn't. (Whew! That was hard to explain.)
This technique, with the narrator commenting on the action, often is used as a voice-over by a deceased character in movies, but, alive or dead, I think Julie's character would be better served by allowing her to tell her story the way she remembers it.
Of course, that's just my take.
Don (aka Ogden)
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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I haven't read the previous chapters of your story, so it's like tuning in to the middle of a TV movie. You draw the reader in well, the action is easy to follow, and the dialog is very good.
There is an aspect of your narration style that I find disconcerting. The use of the present tense for Julie to relate what already has happened, doesn't resonate well to me, for two reasons.. Obviously, she isn't, but it seems as though she's telling the story to someone, who, if there, would be seeing it happen. I was uncomfortably aware that everything Julie was saying was occurring then, wasn't. (Whew! That was hard to explain.)
This technique, with the narrator commenting on the action, often is used as a voice-over by a deceased character in movies, but, alive or dead, I think Julie's character would be better served by allowing her to tell her story the way she remembers it.
Of course, that's just my take.
Don (aka Ogden)
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I think I understand what you're saying. If I have my two protagonists tell the story like it once happened it'd all have to be past tense, right? If I have them narrate it like they're telling it to the readers and it's happening right now how would I write it to make it more realistic? This is the first time I've attempted first person narrative POV and as you can tell I need HELP! The reason I choose this is that I wanted the readers to feel connected to my characters to the story. Like they're living it too.
Thank you again for your great review, take care
