From out of the Grayness
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Through this valley"Reaching from the gray areas to understand life
30 total reviews
Comment from bertranclan
Wow, I don't know how to ski, but it sounds harrowing! I love the line, "Lord tell me how to starve this fear." I wish I could starve some of my own. Great read!
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Wow, I don't know how to ski, but it sounds harrowing! I love the line, "Lord tell me how to starve this fear." I wish I could starve some of my own. Great read!
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Thank you bertranclan, for this great review and generous stars. I'm glad that you enjoyed this and that it may have struck some important cords of thought for you as it was an experience that I shall never forget. I learned the true meaning of the word 'GRATITUDE" through this event. Have a great day...and NEVER go skiing alone!!! HIS GRAYNESS: Vance
Comment from rama devi
Dear Vance--love this. felt like I was on the ski slope with you, my friend.
This is intense and uplifting. Devotional and deep. Well rhymed and timed! I love the slant rhyme of kiss and exists...brilliant and original!
However, with all caps and almost zero punctuation, the cadence is not fluid on first read. The reader has to think about the form more than necessary if you use any of the options to sculpt the cadences...including caps only on beginnings of sentences, minimal punctuation and/or line breaks for 'breaths'.
*If you're favorite option is to just use punctuation but to keep all caps and no line breaks, then here are my suggestions:
Through this valley
Dark and cold
Where there seems not
A hope to hold
As winds howl harsh
And death seems near(,)
Lord(,) tell me how
To starve this fear(.)
My knees are raw
From ice and stone(.)
My hands are worn
From prayers alone(.)
If I should perish
Here this night(,)
I pray(,) dear God(,)
To find your light(.)
A(I)s Heaven(')s promise
Is(delete is) now all that exists?
Touch me(,) God(,)
With one last warm kiss.
the lines are simple enough that one can read through and understand, even if you make no edits, so I am giving five stars. However, I strongly feel that using line breaks, minimal punctuation and not all caps would improve the poem significantly, so here is an example edit (how I would do it if it were my own--since I am sure you won't mind my taking the liberty to illustrate my points:
Through this valley
dark and cold
where there seems not
a hope to hold
as winds howl harsh
and death seems near,
Lord, tell me how
to starve this fear.
My knees are raw
from ice and stone.
My hands are worn
from prayers alone.
If I should perish
here this night,
I pray, dear God,
to find your light.
Is Heaven's promise
now all that exists?
Touch me, God,
with one last warm kiss.
Your poem paints a vivid landscape (both internal and external). Bravo
Warm smiles, Love and Blessings,
rd
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Dear Vance--love this. felt like I was on the ski slope with you, my friend.
This is intense and uplifting. Devotional and deep. Well rhymed and timed! I love the slant rhyme of kiss and exists...brilliant and original!
However, with all caps and almost zero punctuation, the cadence is not fluid on first read. The reader has to think about the form more than necessary if you use any of the options to sculpt the cadences...including caps only on beginnings of sentences, minimal punctuation and/or line breaks for 'breaths'.
*If you're favorite option is to just use punctuation but to keep all caps and no line breaks, then here are my suggestions:
Through this valley
Dark and cold
Where there seems not
A hope to hold
As winds howl harsh
And death seems near(,)
Lord(,) tell me how
To starve this fear(.)
My knees are raw
From ice and stone(.)
My hands are worn
From prayers alone(.)
If I should perish
Here this night(,)
I pray(,) dear God(,)
To find your light(.)
A(I)s Heaven(')s promise
Is(delete is) now all that exists?
Touch me(,) God(,)
With one last warm kiss.
the lines are simple enough that one can read through and understand, even if you make no edits, so I am giving five stars. However, I strongly feel that using line breaks, minimal punctuation and not all caps would improve the poem significantly, so here is an example edit (how I would do it if it were my own--since I am sure you won't mind my taking the liberty to illustrate my points:
Through this valley
dark and cold
where there seems not
a hope to hold
as winds howl harsh
and death seems near,
Lord, tell me how
to starve this fear.
My knees are raw
from ice and stone.
My hands are worn
from prayers alone.
If I should perish
here this night,
I pray, dear God,
to find your light.
Is Heaven's promise
now all that exists?
Touch me, God,
with one last warm kiss.
Your poem paints a vivid landscape (both internal and external). Bravo
Warm smiles, Love and Blessings,
rd
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Thanks so much rama, for this really helpful review! I sincerely appreciate your very precious perspectives and will certainly edit this with your generous and brilliant suggestions in place. Have a wonderful day!! BLESSINGS AND HUGS ALWAYS! Vance
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Happy to help, dear Vance. Nice to hear from you. Blessings, Hugs, Love and LIGHT, rd
Comment from doggymad
You are a very talented writer my friend. I could feel the fear and the pain that you endured.
The slow descent into lethargy and the warmth of faith surrounding you. Happy to go just knowing that the man above would welcome you.
So happy that you survived
hugs and love
Freda
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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You are a very talented writer my friend. I could feel the fear and the pain that you endured.
The slow descent into lethargy and the warmth of faith surrounding you. Happy to go just knowing that the man above would welcome you.
So happy that you survived
hugs and love
Freda
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Thanks so much Freda, for this very generous review and I'm hopeful that this poem will offer some hope and guidance to others who find themselves in what appears to be a HOPELESS situation. Blessings and hugs to you and the boys! Vance
Comment from Ronni
Hello Vance,
Brave soul you were to venture on this mountain ski trip alone....and a
dutifully praying one all the way down! Your pleading fear swooshes
coldly through every line in icy tremor and humble gratitude prayer
to God for the merciful triumph with that immortal last sigh....
Awesome write friend...glad you survived! (I remember my such foolish
venture all to vividly and painfully still...LO)
Best wishes always, Ronni
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Hello Vance,
Brave soul you were to venture on this mountain ski trip alone....and a
dutifully praying one all the way down! Your pleading fear swooshes
coldly through every line in icy tremor and humble gratitude prayer
to God for the merciful triumph with that immortal last sigh....
Awesome write friend...glad you survived! (I remember my such foolish
venture all to vividly and painfully still...LO)
Best wishes always, Ronni
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Hi Ronni: thanks for the great review and although, at the time, I too, thought that I was a brave soul with skills that could never let me down, the real truth is that I was a brave FOOL that did not comprehend the scope of danger at hand...and really did not care! To ski a mountain alone....in the late afternoon....by any opinion is a really unwise move and It taught me a lot when I saw the sunlight again. Certainly, it taught me to concentrate on prayer! Blessings always and thanks for your kind review and friendship. Vance
Comment from Jay Squires
Some running thoughts as I read this lovely, thoughtful poem. I'm not poet, Vance, so they are unlearned and intuitive (in that I don't censure them by cogitation). Just off the top of this thinning head.
A hope to hold [Vance, scanning this, I would be tempted to remove the "A." That way it would bind this line to its rhymed counterpart: "Dark and cold."
If I should perish
Here this night
I pray dear God
To find your light
[Vance, I love these lines, placed where they are, that summon a delightful echo from my childhood from probably the first religious poem we learn as children:
"And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take." I wonder if it might have been tickling at your subconscious.]
As Heavens promise [As HEAVEN'S promise]
God bless you, Vance, and tender depth of your most personal fears and prayers.
Jay
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Some running thoughts as I read this lovely, thoughtful poem. I'm not poet, Vance, so they are unlearned and intuitive (in that I don't censure them by cogitation). Just off the top of this thinning head.
A hope to hold [Vance, scanning this, I would be tempted to remove the "A." That way it would bind this line to its rhymed counterpart: "Dark and cold."
If I should perish
Here this night
I pray dear God
To find your light
[Vance, I love these lines, placed where they are, that summon a delightful echo from my childhood from probably the first religious poem we learn as children:
"And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take." I wonder if it might have been tickling at your subconscious.]
As Heavens promise [As HEAVEN'S promise]
God bless you, Vance, and tender depth of your most personal fears and prayers.
Jay
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Thanks Jay, for this really helpful review and I shall patch it up with great appreciation for your very thoughtful comments. All the best always, dear friend!....and NEVER go skiing alone! Vance
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written heartfelt poem. To know it will be the last time you doing the thing you love to do, is heart breaking. As long as you know where you will be going on the final journey of your life is soothing.
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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A very well-written heartfelt poem. To know it will be the last time you doing the thing you love to do, is heart breaking. As long as you know where you will be going on the final journey of your life is soothing.
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Thank you Sandra, for your kind review and stars. It was a lesson learned and a blessing "yearned" which did indeed come true but no something so stupid I shall ever do again! Have a great day...and "don't ski alone"! HIS GRAYNESS: Vance
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Here the poet describes his feeling of fear and death while on ski in the mountains alone and pray to God to find His light and get His touch; I liked.
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Here the poet describes his feeling of fear and death while on ski in the mountains alone and pray to God to find His light and get His touch; I liked.
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Thanks so much ALD (shorthand here in the com center) for your kind review and stars! Much appreciated and very glad to meet you! HIS GRAYNESS: Vance. Hoping to see you again soon!
Comment from Kazzawin
Quite a feat to ski alone....and to allow fear to dictate your conversation with God.
I like the loneliness in this and the hope of a safe journey home.
Just a small thing. Not sure why there is a question mark at the end of the 3rd from last line. It doesn't seem to need it.
A good read, thank you for sharing : )
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Quite a feat to ski alone....and to allow fear to dictate your conversation with God.
I like the loneliness in this and the hope of a safe journey home.
Just a small thing. Not sure why there is a question mark at the end of the 3rd from last line. It doesn't seem to need it.
A good read, thank you for sharing : )
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Thank you Kazzawin, for your kind and generous review, it is much appreciated. I shall check on the question mark and hope to see you again. Best wishes: HIS GRAYNESS: Vance
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. Sounds like you had a scary experience. I have never been in the mountains so I can't imagine what it must have been like. This is a nicely written poem and I enjoyed reading it.
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reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Excellent. Sounds like you had a scary experience. I have never been in the mountains so I can't imagine what it must have been like. This is a nicely written poem and I enjoyed reading it.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Thanks again PBB! yes indeed it was a really stupid thing to do but I thought I could handle anything in those days. Lesson learned and glad I was able to live long enough to turn it into a poem. Many thanks!! HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment from Mustang Patty
I've never learned to ski, so I can't exactly relate to your words, but I do know what it feels like to think we are experiencing something for the last time. Your words are smooth and the rhythm of the piece flows well. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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I've never learned to ski, so I can't exactly relate to your words, but I do know what it feels like to think we are experiencing something for the last time. Your words are smooth and the rhythm of the piece flows well. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2017
reply by the author on 19-May-2017
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Thanks so much Patty, for your great review, I'm delighted that you enjoyed it, and hope to see you often! Blessings! HIS GRAYNESS: Vance
