Luna
Harmless fun?7 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
I thought this was a good entry for the contest. I get now why she couldn't speak, lol. Best of luck.
He hadn't told her his name and she had not asked. --Suggest a comma before and because you have two complete sentences.
A brave squirrel came up to them and tried to steal a crumb, but when the man looked its way it stood still for a moment and then scurried away in fear.--Suggest a comma after way because it's a clause.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 13-May-2017
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I thought this was a good entry for the contest. I get now why she couldn't speak, lol. Best of luck.
He hadn't told her his name and she had not asked. --Suggest a comma before and because you have two complete sentences.
A brave squirrel came up to them and tried to steal a crumb, but when the man looked its way it stood still for a moment and then scurried away in fear.--Suggest a comma after way because it's a clause.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 13-May-2017
reply by the author on 13-May-2017
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Thanks for reading and for noticing the missing commas, Russel.
Comment from Hitcher
Harmless fun indeed, you are a great story teller friend you held my attention with relative ease. The visuals were strong, your two characters engaging and your story could have been a cracker for the contest, if the elements of horror were darker and the erotica was... more!
I only saw one tiny nit -
After a while, they got 'off' the car. I'm guessing you meant 'out'
Great writing, just not enough horror or erotica for me, but hey!That's me....
reply by the author on 13-May-2017
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Harmless fun indeed, you are a great story teller friend you held my attention with relative ease. The visuals were strong, your two characters engaging and your story could have been a cracker for the contest, if the elements of horror were darker and the erotica was... more!
I only saw one tiny nit -
After a while, they got 'off' the car. I'm guessing you meant 'out'
Great writing, just not enough horror or erotica for me, but hey!That's me....
Comment Written 13-May-2017
reply by the author on 13-May-2017
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You are totally right. I'm not good at horror and the same goes for erotica, but I wanted to give it a try.
Thanks for reading and for noticing my mistake.
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All good friend, you know what they say, nothing ventured nothing gained. I'm sure you would have gained something from the experience and that is why we write : )
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Wow! This was a shocking twist. I thought she was the vampire and didn't speak so her fangs wouldn't be revealed. Thi is an excellent contest entry.
reply by the author on 13-May-2017
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Wow! This was a shocking twist. I thought she was the vampire and didn't speak so her fangs wouldn't be revealed. Thi is an excellent contest entry.
Comment Written 12-May-2017
reply by the author on 13-May-2017
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Thanks for reading, Thomas.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hey! That's good suspense. Loved the way you built up the story. Not highly errotic, but conveys a sense of what is to come next. Great job! Good luck in the contest.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Hey! That's good suspense. Loved the way you built up the story. Not highly errotic, but conveys a sense of what is to come next. Great job! Good luck in the contest.
Sylvia
Comment Written 12-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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No, not highly erotic. Neither erotica, nor horror are my fortes but I wanted to give this a try for the competition.
Thanks for reading.
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My pleasure!
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is a very good read.
The story is interesting.
Well-written.
The format looks good.
Great artwork: The image shown supports the story.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Thanks for sharing your Erotic Horror.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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This is a very good read.
The story is interesting.
Well-written.
The format looks good.
Great artwork: The image shown supports the story.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Thanks for sharing your Erotic Horror.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
Comment Written 12-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Thanks for reading, Nikki.
Comment from loismddavis
Good writing and a truly imaginative story. Sometimes one is attracted to and horrified by perfection --it is as if that kind of perfection is not possible. I did wonder why she let him behave in such an erotic way when they had just met. Sometimes danger is a real turn on. I was surprised by the ending which I am sure was your intention/. I did suspect a vampire when his teeth were described. What would she have done if there had not been a knife handy.
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Good writing and a truly imaginative story. Sometimes one is attracted to and horrified by perfection --it is as if that kind of perfection is not possible. I did wonder why she let him behave in such an erotic way when they had just met. Sometimes danger is a real turn on. I was surprised by the ending which I am sure was your intention/. I did suspect a vampire when his teeth were described. What would she have done if there had not been a knife handy.
Comment Written 12-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Thanks for reading, Lois.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there
I would suggest going through this again and noting down how many times you use 'was' and 'were' - it might surprise you. They are a sign of passivity in the write and indicative of telling over showing. A better balance can be achieved by writing around these. Here for example - There was a stream nearby and its tinkling sound was like an adult lullaby - could be something like - the nearby stream tinkled like an adult lullaby. It can make the write more direct and immersive for the reader.
The stranger was a handsome as a god- as handsome?
had sat in the first row. When she first noticed him -you could say 'front row' here to negate the repetition of first.
The red curls are beautiful. Are you Irish? - this is very stereotypical and complete rubbish. there are so many more people who are of Irish descent who don't have red hair than do.
He stretched her hand till her fingers touched the knife - She stretched?
Nice take on the contest.
GMG
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Hi there
I would suggest going through this again and noting down how many times you use 'was' and 'were' - it might surprise you. They are a sign of passivity in the write and indicative of telling over showing. A better balance can be achieved by writing around these. Here for example - There was a stream nearby and its tinkling sound was like an adult lullaby - could be something like - the nearby stream tinkled like an adult lullaby. It can make the write more direct and immersive for the reader.
The stranger was a handsome as a god- as handsome?
had sat in the first row. When she first noticed him -you could say 'front row' here to negate the repetition of first.
The red curls are beautiful. Are you Irish? - this is very stereotypical and complete rubbish. there are so many more people who are of Irish descent who don't have red hair than do.
He stretched her hand till her fingers touched the knife - She stretched?
Nice take on the contest.
GMG
Comment Written 12-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Thanks for reading and for your comments.
