O Come Away
I need a longer vacation!72 total reviews
Comment from catch22
Hi SC, this is lovely as a sonnet, and you generally maintained the iambic meter, except for the following line:
into the blue ocean beneath the sky.
I read this as:
INto the BLUE ocean beNEATH the SKY.
Blue and ocean both have stressed syllables next to each other, and this changes the whole line.
Also, I would try to avoid reverse syntax as much as possible, such as in the following line:
The shore adores where sun beguiled has smiled.
I would suggest the following:
The shore adores beguiled sun, and smiles.
Other than that, it's a lovely poem and I wish you well in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-May-2017
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Hi SC, this is lovely as a sonnet, and you generally maintained the iambic meter, except for the following line:
into the blue ocean beneath the sky.
I read this as:
INto the BLUE ocean beNEATH the SKY.
Blue and ocean both have stressed syllables next to each other, and this changes the whole line.
Also, I would try to avoid reverse syntax as much as possible, such as in the following line:
The shore adores where sun beguiled has smiled.
I would suggest the following:
The shore adores beguiled sun, and smiles.
Other than that, it's a lovely poem and I wish you well in the contest.
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 08-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, Catch22, for your thorough, detailed review. Your review is important to me because you are the second reviewer in a row to point out the problematic meter in the ocean line. While she scanned it slightly differently than you--
inTO the BLUE Ocean beNEATH the SKY.
--you both pointed out my need to tweak the line to maintain iambic meter. When two poets I highly respect point out the same line as a problem, I listen.
As for reversed syntax, I write for the sound of word combinations and meter, but I will keep your advice in mind for future sonnets. I understand that appeal for direct lines.
Thank you also for wishing me well in the contest.
Comment from Mustang Patty
thank you for sharing this beautiful sonnet. Your words flow well within the requirements of the poetic form, but even more important - the words are filled with emotion and grace,
~patty~
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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thank you for sharing this beautiful sonnet. Your words flow well within the requirements of the poetic form, but even more important - the words are filled with emotion and grace,
~patty~
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, Patty, got your generous, six star review. I am glad you found my words filled with emotion and grace.
Comment from rama devi
This is touching, eloquent and well crafted. Just one line has forced meter, and the rest are flawless and very well rhymed.
into the blue ocean beneath the sky.
inTO the BLUE oCEAN benEATH the SKY
The word ocean has forced scansion with the unnatural emphasis on the second syllable.
I love the internal rhymes too, especially in this stanza:
The waves refill your prints upon the sand.
They tug your toes as water ebbs and flows.
The salty air embraces souls inland.
Inhale, exhale the spell that sparks and grows.
Great imagery woven in with outstanding phonetics (loved reading this aloud).
The closing couplet is outstanding--great rhyme pair too.
Almost a six. Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 08-May-2017
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This is touching, eloquent and well crafted. Just one line has forced meter, and the rest are flawless and very well rhymed.
into the blue ocean beneath the sky.
inTO the BLUE oCEAN benEATH the SKY
The word ocean has forced scansion with the unnatural emphasis on the second syllable.
I love the internal rhymes too, especially in this stanza:
The waves refill your prints upon the sand.
They tug your toes as water ebbs and flows.
The salty air embraces souls inland.
Inhale, exhale the spell that sparks and grows.
Great imagery woven in with outstanding phonetics (loved reading this aloud).
The closing couplet is outstanding--great rhyme pair too.
Almost a six. Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 08-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, Rama, once again for your generous and thorough review of my sonnet. Thanks also for pointing out what worked and didn't work. You are the second reviewer in the row who pointed out ocean line as problematic After studying other ocean sonnets with the stress on the O, I made this change:
inTO the Ocean's BLUE beNEATH the SKY.
I love the way this sounds even better than the original line. You are right--I read aloud when I write sonnets.
Thanks again for your review and tweak.
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Excellent change, my friend. Thanks for your gracious response! Good luck!
Warmest Smiles,
rd
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Oh, thanks. You prompted me to Google other ocean sonnets where I discovered I stressed the wrong syllable. Thanks for encouraging me to improve my poem.
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:-)))))
Comment from DR DIP
Andre this my friend is a wonderful write not your usual post of haikus and such That I am familiar with so This one is special and you did a great job. It so reminds me of the style of a famous poet maybe one I heard in dead poet's society. I have no alternative but to give you a 6, ONE of your best. Your metaphors are wonderful.
I feel like I was there.
dip
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Andre this my friend is a wonderful write not your usual post of haikus and such That I am familiar with so This one is special and you did a great job. It so reminds me of the style of a famous poet maybe one I heard in dead poet's society. I have no alternative but to give you a 6, ONE of your best. Your metaphors are wonderful.
I feel like I was there.
dip
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, Dip, for your enthusiastic, six star review of one of ny best poems. Going back to haiku after writing dinners is hard but I will someday. I am glad to be in The Living Poet Society.
Comment from Irish Rain
Isn't this just beautiful? I always look forward to being home after a vacation...we just returned from the ocean in NC...but...I long to stay with the ocean. Love the line, 'The waves refill your prints upon the sand.' So very true, as though we weren't there. Lovely, blessings...
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Isn't this just beautiful? I always look forward to being home after a vacation...we just returned from the ocean in NC...but...I long to stay with the ocean. Love the line, 'The waves refill your prints upon the sand.' So very true, as though we weren't there. Lovely, blessings...
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Yes, Irish Rain, the waves refilling the prints upon the sand is a stunning image that resonates. Thank you for your review and for sharing your memories of NC.
Comment from Apostle Janos
You are a very talented poet and obviously a very practiced one. I like the polished way you rhyme and the way the poem flows, it seems as natural and non-forced as it can be.
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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You are a very talented poet and obviously a very practiced one. I like the polished way you rhyme and the way the poem flows, it seems as natural and non-forced as it can be.
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, Apostle Yannaras, for your generous, six star review. It took me three weeks to create this polished, unforced poem that feels natural. Thanks again.
Comment from RGstar
Not a love poem, but how I love the way you keep that attachment as with most of your writing, to human elements that hold us near...in this case the euphoria of a holiday, the senses touching the simple things we take for granted.
The feelings an excited or contented person would have with all life's worries for a while.
Bravo.
I an not going to check the stressed from unstressed, as I think by now you know your stuff, I adhere to the different elevations and conclusion.
Well done.
My only thing I may change is the word, "beguiled"
All the above in that stanza as well the emphasis display no reason t for the sun being fooled...in way of beguiled, so it kind of goes against the flow wondering why the sun would be fooled or tricked into smiling when it naturally does...remaing positive....as is the opening.
Here is a word that suits the stress pattern of [bih-GAHYL) you could use without altering the meter, if choose.( in-SPAHYUH'RD)
If not, it is a fine write.
Good luck with this.
RG
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Not a love poem, but how I love the way you keep that attachment as with most of your writing, to human elements that hold us near...in this case the euphoria of a holiday, the senses touching the simple things we take for granted.
The feelings an excited or contented person would have with all life's worries for a while.
Bravo.
I an not going to check the stressed from unstressed, as I think by now you know your stuff, I adhere to the different elevations and conclusion.
Well done.
My only thing I may change is the word, "beguiled"
All the above in that stanza as well the emphasis display no reason t for the sun being fooled...in way of beguiled, so it kind of goes against the flow wondering why the sun would be fooled or tricked into smiling when it naturally does...remaing positive....as is the opening.
Here is a word that suits the stress pattern of [bih-GAHYL) you could use without altering the meter, if choose.( in-SPAHYUH'RD)
If not, it is a fine write.
Good luck with this.
RG
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, RGStar, for your encouraging review and suggestions. I think you were one of the reviewers who encouraged me to write another sonnet, and I thank you. Thanks also for wishing me success with this.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A beautiful sonnet and I am fortunate to have been away for 6 months and soon to be returning home, your choose of words and wonderful rhymes, a sweet flowing melody depicting our holiday chimes, loved it. Best regards Dolly x
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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A beautiful sonnet and I am fortunate to have been away for 6 months and soon to be returning home, your choose of words and wonderful rhymes, a sweet flowing melody depicting our holiday chimes, loved it. Best regards Dolly x
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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A six month vacation? Wow! I'm sure you'll write your own sonnet after you return. Thank you, Dolly, for your review.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
The photo is beautiful and I am happy that you shared it with us. I also enjoyed the other photos you shared during your vacation there. Your poem tugs on my heart strings as I realized that feeling of ending a lovely and enjoyable vacation. I could actually feel your good bye to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It is a sad farewell. I haven't been on a vacation in so long, I vaguely remember how it feels but the poem gave me that reminder and feeling again.
The waves refill your prints upon the sand.
They tug your toes as water ebbs and flows.
The salty air embraces souls inland.
Inhale, exhale the spell that sparks and grows.
I love the above words, they took to that beach with my feet in the sand and the feel of that tug on my toes as the water flows, so beautifully said. It is a superb poem, Sis Cat...
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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The photo is beautiful and I am happy that you shared it with us. I also enjoyed the other photos you shared during your vacation there. Your poem tugs on my heart strings as I realized that feeling of ending a lovely and enjoyable vacation. I could actually feel your good bye to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It is a sad farewell. I haven't been on a vacation in so long, I vaguely remember how it feels but the poem gave me that reminder and feeling again.
The waves refill your prints upon the sand.
They tug your toes as water ebbs and flows.
The salty air embraces souls inland.
Inhale, exhale the spell that sparks and grows.
I love the above words, they took to that beach with my feet in the sand and the feel of that tug on my toes as the water flows, so beautifully said. It is a superb poem, Sis Cat...
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Yes, Tier, the tug of the waves on my toes is a memory I am glad to have shared with you. I hope you get a vacation soon. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Natalie Walker
This is an excellent sonnet. It perfectly captures the feeling at the start of a new journey/adventure/voyage. The meter is clean and precise.
I didn't notice any typos or errors.
Nice work!
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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This is an excellent sonnet. It perfectly captures the feeling at the start of a new journey/adventure/voyage. The meter is clean and precise.
I didn't notice any typos or errors.
Nice work!
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-May-2017
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Oh, thank you, Natalie, for your joyous review. I worked hard and creatively to capture the feeling of adventure.
