Comment from RodG

Excellent

I really enjoyed meeting your grandmother and can easily understand why/how she influenced you.
GOOD: Your description of her hands and feet as she played and her voice as she sang. Your description of yourself by her side, singing and playing with her.
WEAK: your placement of the description of the painting. I would put it closer to the end as a transition--I.e., use it to begin your conclusion and pull all the compiled memories together. Also, some of your sentences are much too long. Don't try to pack so much detail in a single sentence.
A very worthy entry In this contest. Good luck in the contest and your pursuit of the painting on EBay. Rod

 Comment Written 20-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017

Thanks for your constructive comments, Rod.

I appreciate the fact that you took time out of your day to review and provide input on my story.

No one knows better than me my bad habit of run on sentences! I worked late into the night last night to go back and chop them down to a reasonable length. Good catch on your part.

I will probably continue to edit this piece weekly until the date of the contest. I am my own worst critic when it comes to spotting issues in my writing. I'm usually not happy until I've edited my work 6-12 times.

As stated in my note beneath the story, I wrote this piece a few years ago and noticed lots of tweaks that were needed last night as I reviewed it. As a fellow writer, I'm sure you can relate to writing something and sliding it into a drawer for months or years and then re-reading it with fresh eyes and realizing how much it could be improved.

As for the placement of the description of the painting, I am not inclined to move it to the end of the story because I want the ending to leave the reader with the mind picture of my grandmother in the heavenly realm, singing to the angels in a great concert hall. That decision was intentional on my part because that's how I choose to picture her now. Although not all readers may relate to an ending like that, those that do will appreciate it as it is written.

Again, many thanks for your time and input.

Melody

reply by RodG on 20-Apr-2017

Here's another suggestion. Begin the story with the reference to the painting and how remembrance of it brings back memories of your grandmother.
Self-editing can be super frustrating, but here's a rule of thumb I gave my students: Most of us OVERWRITE, so cut 10% of your words in every draft. That can be done easily if you don't fall in love with every word you write. Another rule of thumb: Keep your sentences UNDER a dozen words. Hope this helps. Rod

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Lovely story, and the painting is beautiful. You were smart and lucky to spend time with your grandmother. Kids don't do that enough anymore, and it's a shame, because you gain so much from the older generation that you can't get elsewhere.

 Comment Written 20-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017

I am deeply honored by your kind review of my story, Phyllis. As a grandmother of eight beautiful grandchildren myself today, I strive to live up to the model that my dear grandmother set for me so many decades ago. It is indeed challenging to hold on to the old values in this modern fast paced world of instant gratification. I sometimes fear the cold and impersonal world that my grandchildren will likely encounter in their lifetimes. But I do my best to instill in them the old fashioned values and traditions that I grew up with and I pray often that they will remember me with as much fondness as I remember my beloved grandmother Lila.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read and comment. It means the world to me to share my childhood memories with people who appreciate them as much as I do.