Chasing of the Wind.
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Strangers We Were; Strangers We Are "Conflict between the Human Needs and the Divinity
2 total reviews
Comment from Janilou
An interesting chapter. It is always difficult to jump into the middle of a novel, and figure out what is going on.
I found a few minor glitches for you to review.
As if in a trance, he stood there in front of that sign board until Tirnath, one of his step- brother came up to him and asked,
(delete space after dash) step-brother
It should read step-brothers if he has more than one, which is what the sentence implies.
"Oh; yes, indeed I am looking for him. Is in here?" Pascu Replied. (replied)
When he got in his car at the garage, he called Rosita, (period)
"Honey, we will be home in an hour; can you put something together for supper or just get delivered?"
"Dinner for all of you is ready" she replied calmly.
(skip one line down for his response)
That surprised him immensely.
Try to show what your characters are feeling instead of relying on "ly" ending words at the end of speech tags. I did notice you use them quite frequently.
For example, to show his surprise, you could have him raise his eyebrows, or even stop walking, and look at her.
That's all. Otherwise looks like an interesting novel.
Jan
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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An interesting chapter. It is always difficult to jump into the middle of a novel, and figure out what is going on.
I found a few minor glitches for you to review.
As if in a trance, he stood there in front of that sign board until Tirnath, one of his step- brother came up to him and asked,
(delete space after dash) step-brother
It should read step-brothers if he has more than one, which is what the sentence implies.
"Oh; yes, indeed I am looking for him. Is in here?" Pascu Replied. (replied)
When he got in his car at the garage, he called Rosita, (period)
"Honey, we will be home in an hour; can you put something together for supper or just get delivered?"
"Dinner for all of you is ready" she replied calmly.
(skip one line down for his response)
That surprised him immensely.
Try to show what your characters are feeling instead of relying on "ly" ending words at the end of speech tags. I did notice you use them quite frequently.
For example, to show his surprise, you could have him raise his eyebrows, or even stop walking, and look at her.
That's all. Otherwise looks like an interesting novel.
Jan
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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Dear Janilou:
Thank you for valuable advice. I am going to correct these mistakes right away.I appreciate your efforts in correcting my work. It will help me to improve. Part of the problem is with my inability to catch errors some of which are caused by the spell check (step-brother) and most by my negligence. I hope you will read this and other novels in my portfolio. Best regards and wishes.
Arun
Comment from gene roush
You have an interesting plot, and well-imagined characters.
It needs a bit of editing. I selected a few of the spags I saw.
"What should I say to the Old man(old man)
struggling with (the)matching( of) (the)image
what scars (the) life's hardships leave on a once handsome face
(The) L(l)east I could do for him is to make
she wishes to do to keep(of) her own identity intact
Is (he) in here?"
with a smiling face.(he said)
headed for the R(r)estaurant to pick his (up?)relatives.
With a few corrections, this could be an entertaining read.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
 |
You have an interesting plot, and well-imagined characters.
It needs a bit of editing. I selected a few of the spags I saw.
"What should I say to the Old man(old man)
struggling with (the)matching( of) (the)image
what scars (the) life's hardships leave on a once handsome face
(The) L(l)east I could do for him is to make
she wishes to do to keep(of) her own identity intact
Is (he) in here?"
with a smiling face.(he said)
headed for the R(r)estaurant to pick his (up?)relatives.
With a few corrections, this could be an entertaining read.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
-
Gene Hi. Thanks for editing the work. I had problem with Oldman and old man. Spell check's auto correct made that change which is wrong as you pointed out. I am going to fix all and other errors made ASAP. Best regards and wishes.
Arun
