Twist of Fate
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Fatal Beginning "Sarah can either kill or be killed like her family
17 total reviews
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh, a new book. So far so good. It has lots of mystery and intrigue. A twin sister, a mobster it seems. Why did Katelyn borrow money? Looking forward to more. =} Rox
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019
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Oh, a new book. So far so good. It has lots of mystery and intrigue. A twin sister, a mobster it seems. Why did Katelyn borrow money? Looking forward to more. =} Rox
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for reading the first chapter of my new story, for all your continuous support it means so much to me. Katelyn owes money for drugs. Poor thing was really bad off, addicted at the end.
Thank you again for all your help, support and encouragement, take care.
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
I love this, and I'm so glad I'm starting with your very first chapter. There is so much suspense already building up. I love your creation to-date of two strong women ... Sarah and Mia. Mia's safety is compromised because she is mistaken for Katelyn. Sarah will be on the search to find out, I assume(?) who Katelyn owed money to and why. Then, how, when and where will Sarah and Mia meet up. Added to all the mystery is the human drama unfolding ... loss of loved ones, a broken bond between natural mother and daughter ....
This is really a great story!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019
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I love this, and I'm so glad I'm starting with your very first chapter. There is so much suspense already building up. I love your creation to-date of two strong women ... Sarah and Mia. Mia's safety is compromised because she is mistaken for Katelyn. Sarah will be on the search to find out, I assume(?) who Katelyn owed money to and why. Then, how, when and where will Sarah and Mia meet up. Added to all the mystery is the human drama unfolding ... loss of loved ones, a broken bond between natural mother and daughter ....
This is really a great story!
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter and for all your kind praise. Sarah and Mia already know who and why; It's over drug debt Katelyn owes. You're right, you know what will hit the fan if these two join forces. I hope you stay tunned find out what happens.
Thank you again for your marvelous review and for all your kind praise, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hey Mistydawn. I had a little trouble keeping up with all of the mean stuff going on. I'm trying to keep up but it looked like two bad guys "got it" in this chapter.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019
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Hey Mistydawn. I had a little trouble keeping up with all of the mean stuff going on. I'm trying to keep up but it looked like two bad guys "got it" in this chapter.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my chapter. I am sorry about your confusion. Yes, there were two different thugs, two different people scenarios. What do you suggest I do to make it more obvious less confusing?
Thank you again for your great review I always appreciate it, take care.
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Perhaps you could just put a sentence or two that could show a change of place or time. The event with Mia almost seemed like a dream sequence to me because of the similarity. That may be just confusion on my part. See if anyone else has any confusion. I would say just have some small interposing event or statement that shows. My opinion is you could do it with just a sentence or two. Robert
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This is what I've done. Please let me know if it's better, worse or indifferent.
(End of the first part) I pull the trigger one last time and then head towards the door.
(Added) "I'll take care of every last one of you junkies. Happy to have a new purpose, I climb into my car.
***
(Added at the begining of second part) The sun is shining brightly overhead making the beautiful day unseasonably warm.(old part) Mia watches the crowd say their final farewells to her twin sister, Katelyn....
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That does sound much clearer because you have separated those two scenes with actions. In my opinion, that is much clearer. Well done.
Comment from royowen
I just love this episode, wisdom tells me with don't learn to live by comfort and certainty of love, although that's important for one's own security, but as Katelyn said, she learnt from tribulation, and stood up for herself, closeness brings security, but tribulation brings character, although Mia still needs loving arms around her. Perceptive work, I think you've learnt from trouble my friend, well done, blessings, Roy. "Tribulation worketh character." Romans 5:3.
Typo : (tatted) body. Tattered or tattooed? 2: but I don't think I('m) ready.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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I just love this episode, wisdom tells me with don't learn to live by comfort and certainty of love, although that's important for one's own security, but as Katelyn said, she learnt from tribulation, and stood up for herself, closeness brings security, but tribulation brings character, although Mia still needs loving arms around her. Perceptive work, I think you've learnt from trouble my friend, well done, blessings, Roy. "Tribulation worketh character." Romans 5:3.
Typo : (tatted) body. Tattered or tattooed? 2: but I don't think I('m) ready.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for your always kind helpful review. Now that I think about it each of the girls' personalities does reflect a small portion of me.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me. Thank you for catching my mistakes.
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Well done
Comment from Cindy Warren
Sombody's pissed. I have a feeling there's a gang of thugs in real trouble. Will these two connect up and go after them together? Maybe, and maybe the cops will be happy to let them go to it.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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Sombody's pissed. I have a feeling there's a gang of thugs in real trouble. Will these two connect up and go after them together? Maybe, and maybe the cops will be happy to let them go to it.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. I'm glad you found the story intriguing. You're right, the thugs are in big trouble now.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, take care.
Comment from Alex Rosel
You have a lot of action happening here. That'll likely draw the reader into your fictive world {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
I return home from the cemetery, feeling physically and mentally drained. -- Since you're using the first-person narrator, it's implicit that everything seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted is seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted by the narrator. Therefore your use of "feeling" is telling the reader what they already know, and that's usually best avoided. Don't worry, when you write, I return home from the cemetery, physically and mentally drained, the reader will understand that's what you're feeling.
I realized I have three options: I can pay them what my daughter owes, not pay and end up with my family, or I can fight like hell. -- If you use a colon, separate the options with a semi-colon. However, if this was mine, I wouldn't use the colon. I'd format it as:
I realized I have three options; I can pay them what my daughter owes, not pay and end up with my family, or I can fight like hell.
His dark greasy hair falls well past his shoulders -- I like this imagery {smiles}.
The man's foul breath was a mix of tobacco and liquor. The stench is so appalling that it makes me gage. -- Here, I'd omit "foul" since you go on to explain that his breath makes you gag, so that implies it's foul.
BTW, I think you mean "gag" instead of "gage".
I pull the trigger one last time -- I like this. It gives your character attitude {smiles}.
Mia brings her right fist over her left shoulder; making contact with his nose. -- In non-academic work, a semi-colon can only separate two independent clauses that are sentences in their own right. So the semi-colon isn't appropriate here since making contact with his nose. isn't a sentence in its own right (in fact it's a dangling modifier). I'd replace the semi-colon with a comma.
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reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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You have a lot of action happening here. That'll likely draw the reader into your fictive world {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
I return home from the cemetery, feeling physically and mentally drained. -- Since you're using the first-person narrator, it's implicit that everything seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted is seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted by the narrator. Therefore your use of "feeling" is telling the reader what they already know, and that's usually best avoided. Don't worry, when you write, I return home from the cemetery, physically and mentally drained, the reader will understand that's what you're feeling.
I realized I have three options: I can pay them what my daughter owes, not pay and end up with my family, or I can fight like hell. -- If you use a colon, separate the options with a semi-colon. However, if this was mine, I wouldn't use the colon. I'd format it as:
I realized I have three options; I can pay them what my daughter owes, not pay and end up with my family, or I can fight like hell.
His dark greasy hair falls well past his shoulders -- I like this imagery {smiles}.
The man's foul breath was a mix of tobacco and liquor. The stench is so appalling that it makes me gage. -- Here, I'd omit "foul" since you go on to explain that his breath makes you gag, so that implies it's foul.
BTW, I think you mean "gag" instead of "gage".
I pull the trigger one last time -- I like this. It gives your character attitude {smiles}.
Mia brings her right fist over her left shoulder; making contact with his nose. -- In non-academic work, a semi-colon can only separate two independent clauses that are sentences in their own right. So the semi-colon isn't appropriate here since making contact with his nose. isn't a sentence in its own right (in fact it's a dangling modifier). I'd replace the semi-colon with a comma.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for such an extensive review I appreciate all your help. It's how I learn and grow as a writer. It seems that coma, semi-colon problem continues, I'll get it one of these days (I hope.)
Thank you again for all your help and support it is always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Patty Palmer
I sure hope there is second chapter. I enjoyed reading this. It's great and such easy reading. Reading this reminds me of when I have a good book and I don't want it to end. I'll be watching for more.
Patty
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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I sure hope there is second chapter. I enjoyed reading this. It's great and such easy reading. Reading this reminds me of when I have a good book and I don't want it to end. I'll be watching for more.
Patty
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019
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Thank you so much for such a kind, encouraging review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Yes, this is only the beginning of Sarah and Mia's journey; there's a lot more excitement in store.
Thank you again for such a wonderful review, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You're welcome!
