Echoes of Artistry
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Today, I'm a Caveman Poet"NaPoWriMo 2017
24 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Well done with your caveman poetic quatern Kim. As I was reading I was wondering how long it would have taken to do just a small verse if we had to chisel. Me, I think I'd have to learn to write haiku's LOL
Good one,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Well done with your caveman poetic quatern Kim. As I was reading I was wondering how long it would have taken to do just a small verse if we had to chisel. Me, I think I'd have to learn to write haiku's LOL
Good one,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Hi Valda,
Haikus! Oh, you made me laugh! :) rd gave me a couple of suggestions and I'm tweaking it now. What do you think of the edits?
Today, I?m a caveman poet,
chiseling my rhymes into stone;
If meter?s off, will I know it?
Will centuries refine and hone?
I?ve foraged for food, built a fire;
today, I?m a caveman poet,
whose emotions ? rage and desire --
ignite my write; I must show it!
My legacy ? to bestow it;
the works of the masters inspire.
Today, I?m a caveman poet,
in pursuit of love I require.
Will my efforts cause pause to think;
Will I stifle thought or grow it?
Will we learn to be heard with ink?
Today, I?m a caveman poet.
Thanks for the great review.
Kim
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Read well for me Kim
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I love how the shifting of the repeated line changes the meaning with each shift and yet still keeps the original strength. Very nicley done and a fun one to read with the questions.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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I love how the shifting of the repeated line changes the meaning with each shift and yet still keeps the original strength. Very nicley done and a fun one to read with the questions.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Hi Barb,
I'm glad you liked this one. I had to write it down to get it out of my head today lol I'm glad the concept wasn't too 'out there.' I appreciate your comments.
Kim
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written Quatern. To my knowledge you have it all right. As far as I know there is no meter specifications but it just work better when equal syllables per line is used through the poem. Great light hearted poem to a Saturday. :)
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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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A very well-written Quatern. To my knowledge you have it all right. As far as I know there is no meter specifications but it just work better when equal syllables per line is used through the poem. Great light hearted poem to a Saturday. :)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Hi Sandra,
Quaterns are supposed to have eight syllables per line. The meter line is kind of a reference to the beginnings of poetry. The more I've been reading the classics, I'm noticing that they cheat on meter a lot lol (and as you probably guessed, I love that idea!) So, my thoughts stemmed from the idea of when (if the masters weren't) did everyone become so obsessed with the idea that poems HAVE to be iambic, or whatever. Well, I couldn't just say that, so I found another approach. Thanks for listening and for the great comments. And you are correct, Quaterns, along with most French styles, are syllabic and have no meter specification.
Kim
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good edits, dear, thought still a couple of minor nits to note:
chiseling my rhymes into stone;
If meterâ??s off, will I know it?
the 'i' in the second line above should not be capped since the semicolon makes it still the same sentence. Otherwise, you could change the ; to a period.
Funny, you changed the dash mentioned but also changed the one preceding it, so they still do not match!
Suggest keeping the style consistent...either use one hyphen or two when making a dash.
So fix this one:
whose emotions â?? rage and desire --
First review
This is unique, dear Kim. I enjoyed it. Excellent rhyming. Especially enjoyed the rhymes in the first stanza. The flow is good in some parts but choppy in others. Ironing out the kinks might improve this, but it is also fine as it is.
NOTES
One suggestion:
If meter's off(,) will I know it?
Fine medley of F sounds in these two lines:
Will centuries refine and hone?
I've foraged for food, built a fire;
Another comma suggestion:
today, I'm a caveman poet(,)
whose emotions -- rage and desire -
since you've used two hyphens to show a long dash, I recommend adding a second hyphen for the second dash:
whose emotions -- rage and desire --
This stanza is fine, but is weakened slightly, in my opinion, by the use of the cliche rhyme pair of life and strife:
My legacy -- to bestow it;
for the works of the masters spark life.
Today, I'm a caveman poet,
in pursuit of both love and strife.
Consider revising. It sounds slightly forced as well. (My opinion.)
This flow adn voicing seems awkward to me (second line):
Will my efforts cause pause to think;
weigh choices -- pen or a bullet?
Love your closing two lines:
Will we learn to be heard with ink?
Today, I'm a caveman poet.
Enjoyed this. So original!
Fine presentation as well.
Warmly, rd
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Second review
Good edits, dear, thought still a couple of minor nits to note:
chiseling my rhymes into stone;
If meterâ??s off, will I know it?
the 'i' in the second line above should not be capped since the semicolon makes it still the same sentence. Otherwise, you could change the ; to a period.
Funny, you changed the dash mentioned but also changed the one preceding it, so they still do not match!
Suggest keeping the style consistent...either use one hyphen or two when making a dash.
So fix this one:
whose emotions â?? rage and desire --
First review
This is unique, dear Kim. I enjoyed it. Excellent rhyming. Especially enjoyed the rhymes in the first stanza. The flow is good in some parts but choppy in others. Ironing out the kinks might improve this, but it is also fine as it is.
NOTES
One suggestion:
If meter's off(,) will I know it?
Fine medley of F sounds in these two lines:
Will centuries refine and hone?
I've foraged for food, built a fire;
Another comma suggestion:
today, I'm a caveman poet(,)
whose emotions -- rage and desire -
since you've used two hyphens to show a long dash, I recommend adding a second hyphen for the second dash:
whose emotions -- rage and desire --
This stanza is fine, but is weakened slightly, in my opinion, by the use of the cliche rhyme pair of life and strife:
My legacy -- to bestow it;
for the works of the masters spark life.
Today, I'm a caveman poet,
in pursuit of both love and strife.
Consider revising. It sounds slightly forced as well. (My opinion.)
This flow adn voicing seems awkward to me (second line):
Will my efforts cause pause to think;
weigh choices -- pen or a bullet?
Love your closing two lines:
Will we learn to be heard with ink?
Today, I'm a caveman poet.
Enjoyed this. So original!
Fine presentation as well.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Lots of hugs, rd! You always make me pause and think. I reworked these lines several times before posting, more than usual, in fact. I actually had pulled those two commas you suggested. Some things shouldn't be second guessed. Better?
Today, I?m a caveman poet,
chiseling my rhymes into stone;
If meter?s off, will I know it?
Will centuries refine and hone?
I?ve foraged for food, built a fire;
today, I?m a caveman poet,
whose emotions ? rage and desire --
ignite my write; I must show it!
My legacy ? to bestow it;
the works of the masters inspire.
Today, I?m a caveman poet,
in pursuit of love I require.
Will my efforts cause pause to think;
Will I stifle thought or grow it?
Will we learn to be heard with ink?
Today, I?m a caveman poet.
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Hi dear....what you pasted here has all these ? marks inserted so it's hard to read. I will view the edits in the file....and make a second review.
Love, rd
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oh, sorry about that. I don't know why this system does that with apostrophes and dashes when you copy and paste. Thanks!
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No problem...made a second review...with some more minor suggestions. Love, rd
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Hi rd,
Thank you for the second look. I think something in the copy/paste got me with the dashes, it was only one hyphen in each originally. I appreciate your great advice.
*hugs*
Kim
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Happy to help, dear. I always try to be of service.
Big hugs,
rd
