Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "haiku (red vines wrap around)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
18 total reviews
Comment from Hitcher
Spring... an avaricious lover, nice! Now who wouldn't want her to wrap herself around them, she is the giver of life and all things new. She is the beginning of breathless beauty... they should be envious.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Spring... an avaricious lover, nice! Now who wouldn't want her to wrap herself around them, she is the giver of life and all things new. She is the beginning of breathless beauty... they should be envious.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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hehehe... you are right, my friend, thank you for the review :)
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Comment from Dean Kuch
avaricious
av- a - ri - cious
adjective: avaricious
1.) having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain.
"a corrupt and avaricious government" (sound familiar?)
synonyms: greedy, acquisitive, covetous, rapacious, grasping, materialistic, mercenary; informal-money-grubbing
"his avaricious children cared only about their inheritance"...Again, sound familiar, heh-heh?
An interesting choice of word to use, Gypsy sensei, in the context you've used -- avaricious. here.
Greedy, needy, clinging (like vines), and wanting...very sensuous.
A haiku worthy of my last six.
Well done.
~Dean
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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avaricious
av- a - ri - cious
adjective: avaricious
1.) having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain.
"a corrupt and avaricious government" (sound familiar?)
synonyms: greedy, acquisitive, covetous, rapacious, grasping, materialistic, mercenary; informal-money-grubbing
"his avaricious children cared only about their inheritance"...Again, sound familiar, heh-heh?
An interesting choice of word to use, Gypsy sensei, in the context you've used -- avaricious. here.
Greedy, needy, clinging (like vines), and wanting...very sensuous.
A haiku worthy of my last six.
Well done.
~Dean
Comment Written 06-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Thank you, darlin, I love your reviews and the sixes ain't bad either ;)
I got a 4-star review from our old teacher and although it was offensive, he did make a couple of good points so I changed the haiku a little bit. Could you read it again when you get some time? I would really like to know your opinion.
I asked the old man to stop reviewing me or I will block him. Hopefully, he will cooperate. LoL
Gypsy hugs
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Yeah, I saw that, sweetheart.
His reasons were ridiculous, as are his haiku most of the time.
I think the six is well deserved, despite what that old fuddy-duddy thinks.
Haiku Hugs!
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wow... that is an stupendous picture... good job!
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Thanks, sweetheart!
I'm glad you like it. :)
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Evening, Marival,
I've been away for a while due to my eye issues. While my eyes are still not 'right,'they are getting better. Tonight is my first entry back into reading and trying to review.
I read your poem with great interest and, quite frankly, didn't know how to respond, or even if I should. I decided to offer a review because we are friends and I wanted to share my thoughts with you. As a teacher, I know you can appreciate that.
Your poem is lovely as a 5-7-5 type of poem, but I find it difficult to find it as a haiku. Please let me explain. From my understanding after taking multiple classes with the late Alvin Ethington that haiku has several inviolatable rules. You have captured many of those in this poem relative two grammatically connected lines, a satori, appropriate syllable count (17 or less), etc. But what surprised me with this haiku is that is so very abstract.
It is my understanding that haiku should capture an observable moment in time, whether it's about nature or human nature. It must reflect something real, not abstract or imagined (can't be seen, felt, smelled or touched)--either immediately observed by the poet or something that is observable; both capturing a moment in time.
What do I mean by abstractness? The first two lines read:
spring wraps around him
like an avaricious lover
green envy
The first two lines are totally abstract and overt simile. I can relate to the feeling of spring wrapping around me like an avaricious lover. I felt that three days ago on my patio when the temperature was 71, cool breezes and nature was filled with beautiful birdsong, squirrels playing, budding trees, etc. It put me into a wonderful zone. But it not something I could observe. It is something I felt.
Jane Reichhold teaches us that simile is permissible in haiku as long as the poet avoids "as" and "like." Thus, simile must be much more subtle. Here's what she says about it.
"The Technique of Simile - Usually in English you know a simile is coming when you spot the words "as" and "like". Occasionally one will find in a haiku the use of a simile with these words still wrapped around it, but the Japanese have proved to us that this is totally unnecessary. From them we have learned that it is enough to put two images in juxtaposition (next to each other) to let the reader figure out the "as" and "like" for him/herself. So basically the unspoken rule is that you can use simile (which the rule-sayers warn against) if you are smart enough to simply drop the "as" and "like". Besides, by doing this you give the reader some active part that makes him or her feel very smart when they discover the simile for him/herself."
So, I am at a loss with such abstraction vis-a-vis what I have been taught and understand about the nature of haiku.
If you had not appended digital art with a vine wrapped around the woman's arms and torso, I would have never made an association of the poem with the theme of "vines' in the haiku club challenge for vines, which I interpret literally vis. the abstract interpretation presented in your poem. How does this fit within the challenge of "vines" for this week's submissions?
Respectfully,
Ray
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Good Evening, Marival,
I've been away for a while due to my eye issues. While my eyes are still not 'right,'they are getting better. Tonight is my first entry back into reading and trying to review.
I read your poem with great interest and, quite frankly, didn't know how to respond, or even if I should. I decided to offer a review because we are friends and I wanted to share my thoughts with you. As a teacher, I know you can appreciate that.
Your poem is lovely as a 5-7-5 type of poem, but I find it difficult to find it as a haiku. Please let me explain. From my understanding after taking multiple classes with the late Alvin Ethington that haiku has several inviolatable rules. You have captured many of those in this poem relative two grammatically connected lines, a satori, appropriate syllable count (17 or less), etc. But what surprised me with this haiku is that is so very abstract.
It is my understanding that haiku should capture an observable moment in time, whether it's about nature or human nature. It must reflect something real, not abstract or imagined (can't be seen, felt, smelled or touched)--either immediately observed by the poet or something that is observable; both capturing a moment in time.
What do I mean by abstractness? The first two lines read:
spring wraps around him
like an avaricious lover
green envy
The first two lines are totally abstract and overt simile. I can relate to the feeling of spring wrapping around me like an avaricious lover. I felt that three days ago on my patio when the temperature was 71, cool breezes and nature was filled with beautiful birdsong, squirrels playing, budding trees, etc. It put me into a wonderful zone. But it not something I could observe. It is something I felt.
Jane Reichhold teaches us that simile is permissible in haiku as long as the poet avoids "as" and "like." Thus, simile must be much more subtle. Here's what she says about it.
"The Technique of Simile - Usually in English you know a simile is coming when you spot the words "as" and "like". Occasionally one will find in a haiku the use of a simile with these words still wrapped around it, but the Japanese have proved to us that this is totally unnecessary. From them we have learned that it is enough to put two images in juxtaposition (next to each other) to let the reader figure out the "as" and "like" for him/herself. So basically the unspoken rule is that you can use simile (which the rule-sayers warn against) if you are smart enough to simply drop the "as" and "like". Besides, by doing this you give the reader some active part that makes him or her feel very smart when they discover the simile for him/herself."
So, I am at a loss with such abstraction vis-a-vis what I have been taught and understand about the nature of haiku.
If you had not appended digital art with a vine wrapped around the woman's arms and torso, I would have never made an association of the poem with the theme of "vines' in the haiku club challenge for vines, which I interpret literally vis. the abstract interpretation presented in your poem. How does this fit within the challenge of "vines" for this week's submissions?
Respectfully,
Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Hello, Ray,
My contemporary renso haiku is less than 17 syllables and the kigo is Fall for red vines. source link
There are many kinds of haiku and they are all valuable. This type of haiku is called RENSO and it was used often by one of the haiku Masters, Kobayashi Issa. source link
Renso is one of the most common techniques used in haiku. It is juxtaposing two images or ideas. the loose association of disparate images. A common approach to writing haiku is to mention 2 separate images and then in the 3rd line link them together in a surprising or unusual way. I compared a vine to a jealous lover.
The use of metaphors and similes are not the norm when writing haiku and it is a controversial issue but it is okay to use them, especially with contemporary haiku. source link
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Good Morning, MariVal,
I'm glad you revised your author notes explaining the form you are using. t is always helpful to have detailed author notes on poetic form and style.
Despite your being upset my review, I am very glad you found part of it helpful. Your revisions to line one from "spring wraps around him" to "red vines wrap around" is a significant improvement and removes the abstraction from the poem. I still hold fast to Jane Reichhod's comments about simile and metaphor techniques.
I am very sad that you wish for me to stop reviewing your work and the promise to block (mute) me if I continue.
Respectfully,
-Ray
Comment from Sasha
I like this Haiku very much. The first two lines connect perfectly and the last is an excellent satori. This one reminded me of the days when I yearned for true love and it never came. Watching friends being swept off their feet fill me with silent envy. I was happy for them but reminded of again, being alone. Great work with this one. Excellent imagery with your well chosen words. I enjoyed it very much.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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I like this Haiku very much. The first two lines connect perfectly and the last is an excellent satori. This one reminded me of the days when I yearned for true love and it never came. Watching friends being swept off their feet fill me with silent envy. I was happy for them but reminded of again, being alone. Great work with this one. Excellent imagery with your well chosen words. I enjoyed it very much.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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I know what you mean. I used to do the same. Love comes when you least expect it.
Thank you very much, my dear friend,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Mark Schardine
One can easily imagine how spring envelopes a person, and how a lover dreams of doing the same. One person watches helplessly as two others find true love and happiness. For the couple, it is wonderful, and for the person all alone, it means great sorrow.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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One can easily imagine how spring envelopes a person, and how a lover dreams of doing the same. One person watches helplessly as two others find true love and happiness. For the couple, it is wonderful, and for the person all alone, it means great sorrow.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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You are right. It's easy to imagine. Thank you very much, my dear friend,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Sis Cat
Oh, yes, green envy. This is a fine vine poem of seduction. It is vivid and sensual. Your lines are powerful throughout with no waste words. You liken an avaricious lover to a choking vine like kudzu.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Oh, yes, green envy. This is a fine vine poem of seduction. It is vivid and sensual. Your lines are powerful throughout with no waste words. You liken an avaricious lover to a choking vine like kudzu.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Thank you very much, my dear friend, you always get it. :)
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is a good haiku poem.
It's short but gets the message across.
Nice artwork.- The photo shows creativity.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Good luck with your future writing!
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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This is a good haiku poem.
It's short but gets the message across.
Nice artwork.- The photo shows creativity.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
Good luck with your future writing!
-Nicole-
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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haiku have to be less than 17 syllables so they are always short. :)
Thank you very much, my dear friend,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from apky
Well, the picture caught my eye first -
it reminded me of that early chapter in SECRET SHADES
when Helena takes Ramon on a tour of the
House of Dionysius, the drunken wine god
wearing a crown of vines...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
|
Well, the picture caught my eye first -
it reminded me of that early chapter in SECRET SHADES
when Helena takes Ramon on a tour of the
House of Dionysius, the drunken wine god
wearing a crown of vines...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Hello, my friend, you have quite the imagination... I like it. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Thank you very much, my dear friend,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
