Sketches of a Deceitful Town
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Dirty Secrets"Pretty town, ugly truths
14 total reviews
Comment from pat LaPointe
I really enjoyed this story. It held my interest and made me want for more. You presented an honest example of the differences between two groups of people, but did it in a nonjudgmental manner.One typo: you have the very "bext" day instead of very next day.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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I really enjoyed this story. It held my interest and made me want for more. You presented an honest example of the differences between two groups of people, but did it in a nonjudgmental manner.One typo: you have the very "bext" day instead of very next day.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thank yo for both your comments and the alert. Already corrected.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Exceptional. Great story, my friend. I enjoyed this one immensely and hope you do come back to it again sometime in the future. I hadn't seen you on here for a while and am glad to find you.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Exceptional. Great story, my friend. I enjoyed this one immensely and hope you do come back to it again sometime in the future. I hadn't seen you on here for a while and am glad to find you.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Yes, it's been months since I posted, but this story has been an open file on my computer since before Christmas. Thanks very much for the stars and lovely feedback.
Comment from Sis Cat
Ingrid, your opening chapter to your novella is amazing and reminds me partly of your previous novella about a house of prostitution which was remodeled and became a halfway house for abused women, but here in your present novella you added a Loving vs. Virginia issue of interracial romance in a gossipy Southern town which frowns upon the people and the offspring of such union.
Elizabeth Harris Brown started off on a bad foot with the town, "depending on who you're talking to, 'witch' might not be the word they use." Given her treatment by the town in the past, I better understand why she is snappish and abrupt to the point of rudeness: "Get your filthy hands off the car, kid." The best revenge is success, so she returned to the town of her infamy and loss to find Joey and the baby they lost.
Your description of Bridgewater sounded like Mayberry, R.F.D. with its petty-minded people who took affront to her abruptness. I don't blame them because it is part of their culture as you explain,
"Southern folks don't like to be rushed. They appreciate the niceties. Maybe there's just a touch of residual hostility towards the north, or it could just be there's not a lot of excitement around these parts. For all their outward cordiality, Southerners can be a vicious lot."
A real standout feature of this story is the narrator Joey, a black worker at the store who is almost the town's invisible man, as he explains:
"I couldn't muster up the courage to take a look at the house for myself. I tried to let the gossip slide over me, pay no attention to the chatter in the aisles of the grocery store where I worked. The constant gossip began to peel away scar tissue, making me bleed all over again. No one noticed. I was invisible, a black man people got (u)sed to overlooking.(.)"
This shows boldness and creativity on your part to tell a complex romance form the perspective of a black man when in earlier generations such men were lynched. This makes me fearful for both Joey and Elizabeth--will the ugly Southern past rear its ugly head again? Her wealth, gender, and race will not protect her from the town's hatred of such women.
I found ten SPAGs in your text as follows:
From what I've been able to piece together from that firs(t) day,
Add space; the child yelled,running his hand over the trunk.the child yelled,( )running his hand over the trunk.
"That's a mighty pretty car you have there,( )Miss?(")
For certain the bank employees w(a)nt a story to tell their families and friends.
The (county) couldn't sell the place for a song. Nobody wanted a 'nigger house'.
Slightly clunky prose does not flow well in logic: but of the girls had-no one who cared--and nowhere to go.
pregnant and not pregnent
Bridgewater for almost three months,( )after she
You have an engaging beginning to a complex romance story. Thank you for sharing and for daring.
No one noticed. I was invisible, a black man people got (u)sed to overlooking..
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Ingrid, your opening chapter to your novella is amazing and reminds me partly of your previous novella about a house of prostitution which was remodeled and became a halfway house for abused women, but here in your present novella you added a Loving vs. Virginia issue of interracial romance in a gossipy Southern town which frowns upon the people and the offspring of such union.
Elizabeth Harris Brown started off on a bad foot with the town, "depending on who you're talking to, 'witch' might not be the word they use." Given her treatment by the town in the past, I better understand why she is snappish and abrupt to the point of rudeness: "Get your filthy hands off the car, kid." The best revenge is success, so she returned to the town of her infamy and loss to find Joey and the baby they lost.
Your description of Bridgewater sounded like Mayberry, R.F.D. with its petty-minded people who took affront to her abruptness. I don't blame them because it is part of their culture as you explain,
"Southern folks don't like to be rushed. They appreciate the niceties. Maybe there's just a touch of residual hostility towards the north, or it could just be there's not a lot of excitement around these parts. For all their outward cordiality, Southerners can be a vicious lot."
A real standout feature of this story is the narrator Joey, a black worker at the store who is almost the town's invisible man, as he explains:
"I couldn't muster up the courage to take a look at the house for myself. I tried to let the gossip slide over me, pay no attention to the chatter in the aisles of the grocery store where I worked. The constant gossip began to peel away scar tissue, making me bleed all over again. No one noticed. I was invisible, a black man people got (u)sed to overlooking.(.)"
This shows boldness and creativity on your part to tell a complex romance form the perspective of a black man when in earlier generations such men were lynched. This makes me fearful for both Joey and Elizabeth--will the ugly Southern past rear its ugly head again? Her wealth, gender, and race will not protect her from the town's hatred of such women.
I found ten SPAGs in your text as follows:
From what I've been able to piece together from that firs(t) day,
Add space; the child yelled,running his hand over the trunk.the child yelled,( )running his hand over the trunk.
"That's a mighty pretty car you have there,( )Miss?(")
For certain the bank employees w(a)nt a story to tell their families and friends.
The (county) couldn't sell the place for a song. Nobody wanted a 'nigger house'.
Slightly clunky prose does not flow well in logic: but of the girls had-no one who cared--and nowhere to go.
pregnant and not pregnent
Bridgewater for almost three months,( )after she
You have an engaging beginning to a complex romance story. Thank you for sharing and for daring.
No one noticed. I was invisible, a black man people got (u)sed to overlooking..
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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You are very generous with your time. Thanks for the alerts. Gtoan.
Yes, houses inspire me, and there was a real estate agent and graveyard in that story. Hopefully, that will be the only cross-over. When I called on Wal-Mart on Bentonville, Arkansas, I decided behind all the sweet Southern talk, what people were really saying to me when they syruply said;;have a nice day y'all--what they were really telling me was to F-off. This is more a Peyton Place story, everybody has a secret. I think I'd turn Sam into a cross-dresser. LOL. Haven't decided yet.
Comment from Linda Engel
I've waited a long time for another one of your heart pounding stories. You start off with an amazing story line that pulls us in and locks us up with a hundred questions as to who are these people and what's going to happen next. It reminds me a lot of your pirate story. I'm looking forward to this serious of stories.
I saw two typos. Bext should be next. and " I was a black man that people got "used" you typed "ysed"
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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I've waited a long time for another one of your heart pounding stories. You start off with an amazing story line that pulls us in and locks us up with a hundred questions as to who are these people and what's going to happen next. It reminds me a lot of your pirate story. I'm looking forward to this serious of stories.
I saw two typos. Bext should be next. and " I was a black man that people got "used" you typed "ysed"
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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You're right, it has been a long time--not since November. I've had trouble with my eyes and reading and it put me into a real slump.
Thanks for the alerts and the stars. A generous and kind reward.
Comment from Ulla
It's a long time since I've seen any of your writing here on Fanstory. This is and intriguing story and it held my interest throughout. Very well written. Some great descriptions along the way. Looking forward to more of your writing. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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It's a long time since I've seen any of your writing here on Fanstory. This is and intriguing story and it held my interest throughout. Very well written. Some great descriptions along the way. Looking forward to more of your writing. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Yes, I've been absent and found it hard to get back on track. Used to churn out 1K words per day, and I suppose, have fallen into a slump. Thanks for the read and comments.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
I enjoyed this, Ingrid. I loved the first person peripheral POV. I liked the quirky voice in this, but perhaps it wasn't quirky, it might just have been the narrator's dialect. Either way, it was perfect for the story. This grabbed me with the very first sentence and held me straight through to the end. The verbal, and physical action kept things moving at a good pace. The narrative was excellent throughout. It was present-day happenings with memories of the past woven in. The ending was an excellent twist. I can usually detect a red herring a mile away, but this snuck up on me. It never crossed my mind that Lizzie was, or might be, Joe's Bella. What a love story! I love it! I love it! I love it!
If I understood your author notes correctly, this is a stand-alone story, no part two, correct? If so, I have some questions. The first paragraph said Lizzie moved there three years prior, yet the story finishes, seemingly, several months after Lizzie bought the house. The first paragraph also stated Lizzie brought her troubles on herself - what troubles? Did that refer to the townspeople not liking her too much? Again, the first paragraph also stated that her fate had been decided on her first day in town. What fate? Did this, also, refer to the townspeople not liking her much?
I found a few spags:
From what I've been able to piece together from that {firsy} day, that's when Lizzie (did you mean 'first?')
"She is old, rude[,] and miserable. (comma where indicated)
"That's a mighty pretty car you have {there,Miss}? (need space between words)
Sam {tuened} on his charm, (turned)
Jenny stored this {somment} and the very {bext} day she cheerfully (just a couple of typos where indicated - comment and next)
Of course, Jenny stored this somment[,] and the very bext day she cheerfully reporting all the details about Sam's meeting to her customers at the hair salon. (Need comma where indicated. Also, the syntax seems off in ' she cheerfully reporting' - 'reported' might work better? Or is this the narrator's dialect? )
permanent-wave {sokution} on Molly Patterson's hair (just a typo - solution)
Jenny turned her report into high drama, {decribing gow} Sam walked into the bank (a couple typos - 'describing' and 'how')
For certain the bank employees {went} a story to tell their families and friends (want - it is hard to figure out what might be a typo vs the narrator's dialect! LOL)
folks were spreading {the} rumour the Brolin house was sold for millions. (Can't tell if you missed a word or if you meant it to read that way.
The trouble with{,} rampant gossip is that it need (no comma needed where indicated)
Steeped in secrets, the house[,] and its occupants[,] remains a mystery. (need commas where indicated)
The {country} couldn't sell the place for a song (do you mean 'county?')
but {most} of the girls had-no one who cared--and nowhere to go. (add the word 'most' and eliminate the hyphen between the word 'had' and 'no.')
almost three {months,after} she bought the property, (need a space between words where indicated)
I was invisible, a black man people got {ysed} to overlooking. (used)
Get off the property[,] and take your sorry ass (comma where indicated)
My girl...my love...was gone. (ellipses used to indicate a pause in dialogue are three spaced periods. My girl . . . my love . . . was gone.)
Forty years... (When ellispsis ends a sentence, add a period, making a total of four dots.)
Once or twice is a girl was crying I'd try to (Unsure if this is the narrator's dialect or if the syntax is slightly off.)
{leg-gold} trap. (leg-hold)
I might have succumbed to a heart attack, for surely my heart stopped when I opened my eyes and looked into {my} Bella's eyes. (I might be trying to put my own 'voice' to this, so take this with a grain of salt - this sentence already has quite an impact, but, for me, it would be even stronger if the narrator said 'my' Bella - it would really emphasize the personal aspect by putting his claim on her. Again, it might just be my voice sneaking through!)
close to you... never left,"" (extra set of closing quotes)
We stared at the rocks[,] nameless, with nothing more than chiselled (need comma where indicated)
This was excellent. It was very emotional when Joe discovered that Lizzie was his Bella. Nice job!
Suzanne
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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I enjoyed this, Ingrid. I loved the first person peripheral POV. I liked the quirky voice in this, but perhaps it wasn't quirky, it might just have been the narrator's dialect. Either way, it was perfect for the story. This grabbed me with the very first sentence and held me straight through to the end. The verbal, and physical action kept things moving at a good pace. The narrative was excellent throughout. It was present-day happenings with memories of the past woven in. The ending was an excellent twist. I can usually detect a red herring a mile away, but this snuck up on me. It never crossed my mind that Lizzie was, or might be, Joe's Bella. What a love story! I love it! I love it! I love it!
If I understood your author notes correctly, this is a stand-alone story, no part two, correct? If so, I have some questions. The first paragraph said Lizzie moved there three years prior, yet the story finishes, seemingly, several months after Lizzie bought the house. The first paragraph also stated Lizzie brought her troubles on herself - what troubles? Did that refer to the townspeople not liking her too much? Again, the first paragraph also stated that her fate had been decided on her first day in town. What fate? Did this, also, refer to the townspeople not liking her much?
I found a few spags:
From what I've been able to piece together from that {firsy} day, that's when Lizzie (did you mean 'first?')
"She is old, rude[,] and miserable. (comma where indicated)
"That's a mighty pretty car you have {there,Miss}? (need space between words)
Sam {tuened} on his charm, (turned)
Jenny stored this {somment} and the very {bext} day she cheerfully (just a couple of typos where indicated - comment and next)
Of course, Jenny stored this somment[,] and the very bext day she cheerfully reporting all the details about Sam's meeting to her customers at the hair salon. (Need comma where indicated. Also, the syntax seems off in ' she cheerfully reporting' - 'reported' might work better? Or is this the narrator's dialect? )
permanent-wave {sokution} on Molly Patterson's hair (just a typo - solution)
Jenny turned her report into high drama, {decribing gow} Sam walked into the bank (a couple typos - 'describing' and 'how')
For certain the bank employees {went} a story to tell their families and friends (want - it is hard to figure out what might be a typo vs the narrator's dialect! LOL)
folks were spreading {the} rumour the Brolin house was sold for millions. (Can't tell if you missed a word or if you meant it to read that way.
The trouble with{,} rampant gossip is that it need (no comma needed where indicated)
Steeped in secrets, the house[,] and its occupants[,] remains a mystery. (need commas where indicated)
The {country} couldn't sell the place for a song (do you mean 'county?')
but {most} of the girls had-no one who cared--and nowhere to go. (add the word 'most' and eliminate the hyphen between the word 'had' and 'no.')
almost three {months,after} she bought the property, (need a space between words where indicated)
I was invisible, a black man people got {ysed} to overlooking. (used)
Get off the property[,] and take your sorry ass (comma where indicated)
My girl...my love...was gone. (ellipses used to indicate a pause in dialogue are three spaced periods. My girl . . . my love . . . was gone.)
Forty years... (When ellispsis ends a sentence, add a period, making a total of four dots.)
Once or twice is a girl was crying I'd try to (Unsure if this is the narrator's dialect or if the syntax is slightly off.)
{leg-gold} trap. (leg-hold)
I might have succumbed to a heart attack, for surely my heart stopped when I opened my eyes and looked into {my} Bella's eyes. (I might be trying to put my own 'voice' to this, so take this with a grain of salt - this sentence already has quite an impact, but, for me, it would be even stronger if the narrator said 'my' Bella - it would really emphasize the personal aspect by putting his claim on her. Again, it might just be my voice sneaking through!)
close to you... never left,"" (extra set of closing quotes)
We stared at the rocks[,] nameless, with nothing more than chiselled (need comma where indicated)
This was excellent. It was very emotional when Joe discovered that Lizzie was his Bella. Nice job!
Suzanne
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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I've revisited my authors notes as there are a handful of threads left unanswered in this chapter. What happened to the Caddy, where has Lizzie been for 40 years , but her fate, I thought was answered in the face of her reputation as a mean and rude woman, shunned by the locals. It's a circular route from the beginning of the story ending three years ago, but told in memories. I'll pull them all together by the end. Stand alone doesn't actually describe this, does it?
You put a lot of time and energy into your review and I am grateful for your attention. Thank you very much.
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Oh, good! I'm glad there is a part two! I can't wait to read it. I took 'fate' to mean her destiny rather than her reputation, but then after I reread it, I wasn't sure how you meant it.
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The comment was excellent, whether I choose to revise or not. It signals a reader's reference and understanding and expectations that the writer clarify, make clear what the outcome mat be.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Sam tuened[turned] on his charm
Jenny continued applying the permanent-wave sokution [solution]
decribing gow[how] Sam walked into the bank
You need to use the spell check on the story Ingrid. This is a wonderful story, I love happy endings. She had every reason to hate that little town that took her child from her Good job. Nancy
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Sam tuened[turned] on his charm
Jenny continued applying the permanent-wave sokution [solution]
decribing gow[how] Sam walked into the bank
You need to use the spell check on the story Ingrid. This is a wonderful story, I love happy endings. She had every reason to hate that little town that took her child from her Good job. Nancy
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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You're right. I edit in Word, but often make changes on FS and the spell check here has always been weak, so I have a tendency to ignore my edits--and make typos. Thanks for the read.
Comment from apky
The men nodded at each other as if their aimple comments said it all. ~ do you really mean "aimple"? I don't think there's such a word...
Lizzie pushed the cup back towards the Mary-Jo. ~ you could delete "the" before Mary-Jo.
just [h]as she had so many years ago.
I loved the story, even the bitter-sweetness of it.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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The men nodded at each other as if their aimple comments said it all. ~ do you really mean "aimple"? I don't think there's such a word...
Lizzie pushed the cup back towards the Mary-Jo. ~ you could delete "the" before Mary-Jo.
just [h]as she had so many years ago.
I loved the story, even the bitter-sweetness of it.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Thanks for the alert. It seems something always gets past me. Thanks for reading and your comments.
Comment from MLEaton
Once again, magnificent writing and very well paced! Astory that drew me in immediately and kept me interested and intrigued right to the end. Well done and thank you!
A few typos and punctuation
1. over the car.. extra full stop.
2. The men nodded at each other as if their aimple comments ... simple?
3. Southerners can be a viscous lot ... vicious?
4. the house seemed destined, for a century of strange tenants ... is the comma needed before 'for'?
5. 'curb appeal'... this may just be me and British spelling ... kerb?
6. I found Lizzie in the backyard, manically ripping weeds out of the ground. . ... extra full stop.
7. never left,"" .. extra speaking marks/inverted commas
Thank you for a wonderful start to Sunday morning!
Marion:)
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Once again, magnificent writing and very well paced! Astory that drew me in immediately and kept me interested and intrigued right to the end. Well done and thank you!
A few typos and punctuation
1. over the car.. extra full stop.
2. The men nodded at each other as if their aimple comments ... simple?
3. Southerners can be a viscous lot ... vicious?
4. the house seemed destined, for a century of strange tenants ... is the comma needed before 'for'?
5. 'curb appeal'... this may just be me and British spelling ... kerb?
6. I found Lizzie in the backyard, manically ripping weeds out of the ground. . ... extra full stop.
7. never left,"" .. extra speaking marks/inverted commas
Thank you for a wonderful start to Sunday morning!
Marion:)
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Your rating is extremely generous considering the spag I left behind. I've spent the last two hours editing, and hope I got it all. Want to bet? Thanks so much for the generous gift of your time.
Comment from Jay Squires
A really, really powerful story, Ingrid. It could so easily have slipped into mawkishness, but by your masterful hand, you avoided that. I would suggest you space clearly, definitively, or put a distinguishing mark, where you transition to the 1st person narrative. The reason is subtle, but to begin the narrative without the break, the reader assumes the narrator was the one giving the information on the first part of the story--that he was secretly observing Lizzie's initial arrival, which, clearly he wasn't. There needs to be a definite break.
You snagged me with the first paragraph, Ingrid. Unexplained connotations followed a poignant lead sentence, and builds.]
Lizzie moved to Bridgewater three years ago, and in a few short years has acquired a reputation [I'm thinking "had" needs to replace "has" here.
ran his hand over the car.. [One too many for a full stop or too few for an ellipsis.]
Lizzie pushed the cup back towards the Mary-Jo. [Vagrant "the" here.]
Never mind; I'll take it back." [I'll take it BLACK (?)]
"You don't see many of these beauties around these parts.." [Hmmmm, another time with two periods.]
reporting all the details,. to her customers [I was going to mention the period after the comma, but then I remembered your vision problems. I won't point any more of them out to you.]
"In town for twenty-four hours, and she's already bought a house?" the librarian asked. [I like your scene to scene transitions. They allow you to cover a lot of ground without getting bogged down. They are subtle, but well-maintained.]
"Who would want that old house? Especially, given what happened there." [Good "dragon's tooth." Give out a little line, let the reader play himself against the hook.]
enlisted help from other employees to count the money. [Seems better here to use the impersonal pronoun, "IT" instead of "money" since you used it earlier on.]
Southerners can be a viscous lot. [Maybe viscous too, but I think you meant "vicious," right?]
Some girls had no home to go--no one who cared--and nowhere to go. [... no home to go (TO)?--no one who cared--]
I couldn't muster up the courage to take a look for myself. [I love the way you slipped this into a 1st person narrative.]
Once or twice is a girl was crying [I'm not sure this was the syntax you were aiming for]
Damn! You are good, Ingrid!
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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A really, really powerful story, Ingrid. It could so easily have slipped into mawkishness, but by your masterful hand, you avoided that. I would suggest you space clearly, definitively, or put a distinguishing mark, where you transition to the 1st person narrative. The reason is subtle, but to begin the narrative without the break, the reader assumes the narrator was the one giving the information on the first part of the story--that he was secretly observing Lizzie's initial arrival, which, clearly he wasn't. There needs to be a definite break.
You snagged me with the first paragraph, Ingrid. Unexplained connotations followed a poignant lead sentence, and builds.]
Lizzie moved to Bridgewater three years ago, and in a few short years has acquired a reputation [I'm thinking "had" needs to replace "has" here.
ran his hand over the car.. [One too many for a full stop or too few for an ellipsis.]
Lizzie pushed the cup back towards the Mary-Jo. [Vagrant "the" here.]
Never mind; I'll take it back." [I'll take it BLACK (?)]
"You don't see many of these beauties around these parts.." [Hmmmm, another time with two periods.]
reporting all the details,. to her customers [I was going to mention the period after the comma, but then I remembered your vision problems. I won't point any more of them out to you.]
"In town for twenty-four hours, and she's already bought a house?" the librarian asked. [I like your scene to scene transitions. They allow you to cover a lot of ground without getting bogged down. They are subtle, but well-maintained.]
"Who would want that old house? Especially, given what happened there." [Good "dragon's tooth." Give out a little line, let the reader play himself against the hook.]
enlisted help from other employees to count the money. [Seems better here to use the impersonal pronoun, "IT" instead of "money" since you used it earlier on.]
Southerners can be a viscous lot. [Maybe viscous too, but I think you meant "vicious," right?]
Some girls had no home to go--no one who cared--and nowhere to go. [... no home to go (TO)?--no one who cared--]
I couldn't muster up the courage to take a look for myself. [I love the way you slipped this into a 1st person narrative.]
Once or twice is a girl was crying [I'm not sure this was the syntax you were aiming for]
Damn! You are good, Ingrid!
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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You''d think with Windows 10 that I'd be alerted by the punctuation flubs, but I wasn't. As always, thank you so very much for your kindness and attention. I am fully aware that by your standards this is 4-star worthy and thank you for the blink.
