Comment from --Turtle.

Excellent

Hi, Craig,

I like the pattern established... open, close, repeat ... wake, sleep, repeat. There's a simplicity in the flower's life that has a cyclical flow. It's shared with all, from flower to feline and everything beyond or otherwise. The sun rises, and it sets... until it doesn't. So wake up early, enjoy the day, find a safe place to curl up, and do it again tomorrow. Be like the Habiscus, and do it while looking fabulous, and smelling great.

I saw the first rendition, and I think this one is stronger in making dawn possessive, the shadows creep gives a slower coming to darkness than the abrupt boom, it's dark.

With the poetic way the flower closes... I wondered if opens... unfurls? Though there is nothing wrong with opens, even after a year, I'm not very good with poetic stuff.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017

Hi Turtle,
Thanks for the excellent review. I did consider unfurls.I really couldn't decide, so just went with opens. I probably won't change it now. I'm feeling a bit rusty. I think I need to get a few under my belt to get rid of some cobwebs.
Glad you stopped by :) Craig

Comment from rosehill (Wendy)

Excellent

Lovely visual of the petals moving in and out at dusk and dawn. I particularly like the "shared embrace." The only problem I had was the pivot line. It works beautifully for the second half but doesn't make much sense for the first. Liked the photo but, in good form, the poem stands alone quite well without it. - Wendy

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017

Thank you Wendy for the helpful review. I've changed the middle line to try and incorporate your suggestion - I hope it works better. Many thanks, Craig

reply by rosehill (Wendy) on 27-Mar-2017

My pleasure. For some reason, when I try and access your home page I just get the little whirligig and it never settles. Fortunately, it will let me go to your portfolio so I will access it that way.

Comment from strandregs

Excellent

I love : Petals join In shared embrace.
As dusk's darkness falls (trying to enhance the poeticness
by removing the "the".
Slap me if you like. :-))
And again

Opens to fair/bright/new/dawn's first light

challenging myself not you :-))
Alternative last line

brew nectar for bumble bee.
Couldn't get the bumble bee out of my head :-))
Crazy as a wasp in a jar. Don't mind me.Z.
As dusk creeps over
or a similar line
will connect the dawn and dusk
in a non confusing way I feel.
because again I had to read again and think whats going on.
blessi gs :-)) Z.

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017

Thanks for the helpful reply. I've got rid of the "the", and also put what I think is a better middle line. Much appreciated, Craig

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

Craig,

This is a great contest entry. You did a super job with the syllable count & the overall style of tanka. Your picture is beautiful. I love hibiscus. We have them here, but they have to be the hardy kind to survive unless they are grown in a greenhouse type of setting. Thank you for sharing your poem.

Best wishes in the contest. Jan

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017

Hi Jan,
We just have the one, but it is so beautiful - and big! I live in what we call a "cold climate" - i.e. we generally get on average one or two snow falls a year - but it's nothing like as cold as it gets in the North East of the States (not sure where you are from).

Thanks for the lovely review, Craig.

reply by Jannypan (Jan) on 27-Mar-2017

Craig,
I am in Texas. I really like hibiscus. Our nurseries get the hardy type for outdoor planting and tropical for fancy places like garden rooms. We can get some low temps & snow & ice but it doesn't last long--only long enough to kill them if not the hardy type if outside.

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

This is a very nicely written tanka--well described and poetic. The hibiscus is a beautiful flower. A similar plant/bush that is a bit hardier in some climates is the Rose of Sharon. Not quite a hibiscus, but still in the family. I enjoyed reading this. Much luck in the contest. Marilyn

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017

Thank you very much for the lovely review, Marilyn. After reading what you had to say about the Rose of Sharon, I had to look it up, as I only know that name from the Bible reference. in the Song of Solomon. Anyway, it seems that this name is used for hibiscus syriacus (which is also called common hibiscus) - and I'm pretty sure that is the one I have growing in my front yard. It also said the same name is applied to some other species as well. Not sure how right any of that is - after all, you can't believe everything you read on the internet! Many thanks again, Craig.

reply by BeasPeas on 26-Mar-2017

The Rose of Sharon can grow in a colder climate. I've had these bushes in New York, Tennessee, and Wisconsin. The main plant produces shoots which can be easily transplanted. I think the Hibiscus is more of a tropical bush, but there might be a variety that does grow in colder climates. I do know that at the Nursery, the Rose of Sharon is not as costly as the Hibiscus--but the Hibiscus has a more formal bloom and seems to have more vibrant colors (red being one of them). Marilyn

Comment from MaggieF

Excellent

I was attracted by the bright pink. This flower seems larger than life, but quietly unfolds.Good use of alliteration. I love the personification of the petals. Great that they will open and show themselves on a new day. MaggieF

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017

Thank you for the kind review, much appreciated. Craig

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Your poem gives us the story of the hibiscus in an entertaining way. You've also drawn a powerful image with your words. Thank you for sharing, and good luck in the contest,
~patty~

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017

Thank you for the kind review, and the good wishes. Craig

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

Flower that blooms in colour at the first light of the dawn and at the fall of the darkness its petals join in shared embrace to retire and relax and greets for a new day, the eternal law of life follows; this Haiku shows Nature's diurnal activity I liked.

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017

Thank you for the kind review, it is much appreciated. Craig

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

One of my favorite flowers, ever since my childhood in Singapore - particularly that single variety in your photograph.
It seems that, unlike some poets, hibiscuses know when to go to bed!
As I understand it, in the traditional Japanese form, the third line acts as a pivot connecting an observation of nature in the first half to the poet's personal response to it in the second half. Nonetheless, this doesn't seem to be a requirement of the contest.

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017

i believe you're correct in what you say. One of the difficulties for this and other styles is there are different interpretations of 'correct' form. I try to follow the instructions we're given, but there's always the chance someone will find it doesn't match their requirements. Such is life :) Thanks for the kind review, Tony. Much appreciated, Craig.

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Good traditional tanka written in the more familiar, although unnecessary, 5/7/5/7/7 Westernized English form, Craig.
The imagery created here was stunning.
Contrary to popular belief (even those stuffed-shirt judges here on good old FS), tanka poetry does not have to be written in exactly in a 5/7/5/7/7 format.

Check out some of these award-winning tanka from an accredited site, The Tanka Society of America, at the link provided below, then decide for yourself:
Tanka Society of America


2016 Winners:
First Place

I keep telling myself
that it means don't cry--
my D&C
at the doctor's office
a routine procedure

Susan Burch


Third Place

the garage
by rope and rafter
he left
and with him
his reasons

Ignatius Fay


First Place ($100)

a tree trunk
lost in the shadow
of its branches . . .
another yes
when I meant to say no

Ken Slaughter
Grafton, Massachusetts

As you can clearly see from the above examples, tanka written in English are rarely written in a 5/7/5/7/7 syllabic format.

Best of luck to you
~Dean

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017

Thanks for all the info Dean, I will certainly check out more. Thanks for the kind review too - much appreciated. Craig

reply by Dean Kuch on 26-Mar-2017

You're very welcome, Craig.
Happy hunting...
~Dean :}